Chapter 7: Where I Stood
"God, Emily!"
JJ breathed deeply feeling her heart start to slow. Placing a soft kiss on her inner thigh Emily rested with her head on JJ's hip. They remained that way resting quietly until Emily stirred and, placing kisses as she went, moved up JJ's body. She paused to lick the sweat from between the other woman's breasts before flopping beside her.
JJ found Emily's hand, laced their fingers together. "You're amazing. Have I mentioned that yet?"
Emily laughed against her shoulder. "No, I don't think I've heard that one yet," she teased. She paused, and then said, "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," JJ put her arm around Emily, kissed the top of her head.
"What is this thing you have about hands – women's hands?"
"Oh, hmm," JJ began self-consciously. "I didn't think you'd noticed." Emily raised her head just enough to give JJ a look. "OK, so I had this teacher in high school. She taught art, Spanish and French."
"Mais oui. Were you in love with her?"
JJ sighed, "I sure had a crush on her. She was tall, had beautiful dark hair and a deep sexy voice. Remind you of anyone? And her hands…" Emily felt JJ's chest rise and fall as she breathed. "Sometimes her hands were all I could look at. I would fantasize about us holding hands and her running her hands through my hair."
"Oh sexy," Emily whispered.
"I was young, OK? I didn't think in graphic sexual terms."
"So why did you end up dating guys?" Emily asked cautiously, concerned the question might offend JJ. She felt JJ breath in deeply, let it out.
"I'm not sure, really," JJ answered honestly. "I guess it was just easier to do what was expected, to be conventional; to get caught up in someone's attraction for me." She was quiet for a long moment before adding. "I still find some guys attractive."
Emily rolled over and was on her feet moving to the bathroom. JJ caught her arm before she could get there. "Hey, I'm sorry," she looked up at the dark haired woman. "I know I shouldn't talk about him, and not like that."
Tossing her head, Emily looked away. "I don't ever want to think about him with you," her face went through a range of emotions, not the least of which was distaste.
JJ let her hand slide down Emily's arm until she was holding her hand. "I like who I am with you," she said, leaning into the other woman. "With you everything is right. I know this is what I was meant for. I just hope it's the same for you."
Saturday Morning
JJ came downstairs to the wonderful smell of fresh ground coffee beans. The coffee maker was just starting to drip the precious, dark liquid into the glass carafe. "I don't think I can wait," JJ wrapped her arms around Emily's waist from behind. Her head resting on the other woman's shoulder, she turned slightly and noticed a pair of boots on the tile near the entrance to the kitchen with a small puddle under them. "You were out?"
"Yeah, I went to the little store for some essentials: milk, bread, bacon, eggs. Hungry?"
"Oh, yeah," JJ watched as Emily placed two mugs and the cream and sugar beside the coffee maker. "How is it out there?" When there was enough coffee brewed she interrupted the drip to pour herself a mug.
"Pretty bad," Emily was turning the strips of bacon in the frying pan thinking she had not eaten so much fatty breakfast foods in the last year as she had the last couple of days. "The sidewalks still need a lot of work. The streets are more or less passable I think."
JJ took a sip of coffee her eyes opening wider in appreciation. "Oh my god, that's good!" she exclaimed.
Emily smiled. "That's the last of my secret stash of Jamaican Blue Mountain. Nice isn't it?"
"God, yes," JJ took another sip, swallowed slowly. "It's so smooth; like velvet on my tongue."
"And you'd know what that tastes like," Emily leaned into JJ intending a quick kiss but finding the contact lingered. JJ broke the kiss, gave Emily's butt a quick slap.
"Cook, slave," she topped up her mug and rounded the counter to sit on one of the stools. "I'm waiting."
Later
JJ was talking into her cell phone pacing back and forth behind the couch. Emily waited with the movie paused and the sound muted. When it seemed like the conversation would not be ending any time soon, she stopped the DVD and began surfing through the TV channels.
When JJ finally ended the call and flopped on the couch next to her, Emily looked at her, "Child crises?" she asked.
"Yeah," JJ ran her fingers over the smooth plastic on the back of her BlackBerry, placed it in her pocket. "Nothing too serious."
Emily looked away not wanting to meet JJ's eye wondering if…
"Em?"
Breathing out sharply, Emily killed the power to the TV. "I don't think I want to have this conversation, Jennifer."
"We have to," JJ slowly looked at the woman beside her. "I know it's a lot to ask of you to raise someone else's child. The problem is if we are going to be together we have to include Henry."
Emily sighed. "I know that, and I'll be honest, it bothers me that it's his child. It might've been easier if it was something that we decided to do together, but you just got pregnant. It was like you never even thought about our job, about whether you wanted to be with Will, or how you felt about me."
As soon as the words were out, Emily realized she was being harsh. JJ jumped to her feet, glared down and her with narrowed eyes her mouth a tight line.
"This isn't all just about you, Emily."
"A big part of it is right now. What if I don't want to be a parent? What if I just want to be with you, without all that extra responsibility?" She knew she was being harsh again, yet it felt strangely liberating to get it all out. Sitting still on the couch she watched JJ.
"You don't have a choice," JJ's hands were balled into fists at her sides. "You take me, and everything I've done right or wrong as you see it, or nothing."
At that moment, Emily felt she respected JJ more than she ever thought she could. She knew she was right to not compromise, that it was up to her to make the giant leap from a part time relationship with barely any strings attached, to a full time one with JJ and everything that entailed.
"You're right, Jennifer and I respect that." JJ's anger seemed to dissipate and she sat beside Emily again reaching for her hand. "The problem is me," she took a deep breath not knowing if she could put into words what she needed to say. "I'm not sure I can be a good parent."
"Why?" JJ was confused. She squeezed Emily's hand trying to meet her eye. Emily just stared down at the floor. "I've never seen you be anything but sweet and gentle with Henry or any other kid. I thought you wanted to…" JJ broke off as something occurred to her. She felt herself tense as she recalled Emily's strange words about fathers the other day in the conference room.
When Emily looked up it was obvious from the strain showing in her expression that she had thought of the same thing. "JJ, my parents were not good parents. I had poor teachers to learn from. I'm afraid that I will be like them."
JJ caressed Emily's hand wishing she could relieve her pain. "What did you mean about your father? What did he do to you?" Like the other day when she had watched Emily talking to Reid in the lobby of their building, Emily dropped her head and tangled both hands into her hair.
JJ felt nothing but compassion when she asked: "Did he abuse you," she paused, added slowly, "sexually?"
"No!" the answer was emphatic. Emily was on her feet moving away. She paused at the end of the couch as if indecisive.
"Did he beat you?"
The answer, when delivered, shocked JJ to her core.
"I wish to God he had!" Emily lashed out with one hand as if striking someone. When she continued the words were intense, coming faster and faster as if a floodgate had opened. "Every night I cried myself to sleep I wished he would just beat me so someone could see the pain I was going through. I was so alone and so scared. Nothing I ever did was right or good enough for him."
Emily's voice changed then going deeper, even rougher, as she spit the words out without thought. "You're no good. You'll never been any good. I don't know why I bother with you girl, you're not worth it!"
With both hands she scrubbed at her face her breathing labored. JJ sat frozen in shock unable to move as tears started in her eyes.
"I couldn't stop it. I thought it would never end. Every time he was drinking he would start. How many times we were having dinner and he was drunk and it would start. And my mother did nothing; just sat there while he said those things to me. You know what the worst thing was?" Emily moved closer, stared down at JJ where she sat immobile. "At the end of the night, after I cried myself to sleep and wished I was dead, they pretended nothing ever happened."
"Emily, stop, please." JJ begged unable to bear anymore.
"No, I won't stop! If you are going to be with me and everything I've done, right or wrong," she tossed JJ's words viciously back at her, "you need to know what I am." She paused panting for a moment then took a few steps away no longer looking at JJ as she continued. "He would come into my room sometimes, when he wasn't drunk, and tell me he loved me and that he would always protect me. Isn't that the funniest thing you ever heard?"
No longer able to sit still and not try in some way to reach her troubled lover, the woman she cared more about right now more than ever before, JJ moved to stand in front of Emily. She put her arms around her waist held her tight as she looked her full in the face.
"You won't be like that, Em, I know it. You are the most loving person I've ever been with." JJ shook her when she looked away. "I've never seen any of this in you."
"It's there," though the words were spoken softly, Emily was still tense with anger. "Remember I told you I hurt someone once?" She looked down at JJ her eyes going cold and dark.
JJ felt herself stiffen wondering how this could possibly be any worse.
"You don't know what I am, no one does. I put her in the hospital; she was unconscious for three days" she broke JJ's grip and stepped back. "I thought I loved her, I thought I wanted to be with her. I should've been arrested for what I did to her, but my mother made it all go away."
"Emily, I love you," JJ implored. "I want to help you get through this. I know that you can love me, that you can get past this."
"I'm not good enough for you. I'll never be good enough for you," Emily's voice was small and so tight with pain that JJ wasn't sure she heard the words. "You should never have loved me; I wish you'd never loved me. I can't love you. I don't know how."
It was like a physical blow to JJ, so loaded with self loathing and shame were the words that JJ was completely unable to react. As if aware of it for the first time herself – and hating herself even more – Emily turned and dropped to her knees. JJ stood unable to move as she curled in on herself hands laced together over her hand.
Taking a deep breath, JJ forced herself to move. She went to Emily, knelt beside and put her arms around the trembling woman pressing her cheek to her back.
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Em, it's not your fault what your parents did to you," JJ spoke slowly and soothingly. "You were just a child. It's not your fault they hurt you."
Emily's next words were slightly muffled but no less cruel: "It didn't hurt me, it destroyed me. I'm not what I'm supposed to be. I never had a chance." After a pause Emily said what JJ had been dreading all along, and when it was out, wished she had never heard it. "I need to be alone, Jennifer, can you leave," the last word was a barely audible "please."
JJ closed her eyes though it would not stop the tears. For a long time she held Emily completely unable to let go. Eventually she loosened her grip. "I will if you want me to," she sat back reaching out to gently stroke her back. "I want you to know something," the words came, growing stronger as she said them. "I love you and I'm not giving up on you. I'm not letting you go. When you have taken the time to know who you are and know that it's not this…" JJ leaned forward suddenly, gripped Emily's shoulders and kissed the back of her neck. The next words were said directly in her ear.
"When you decide what you want and that you can love me, come back to me. I'll be waiting 'cause I don't think I know who am without you."
Emily stayed still listening without wanting to hear as JJ collected a few things including her coat and car keys. When the door shut softly she jumped to her feet rushing to the door and pressing her body against it. Indecision resolved itself when her hand turned the deadbolt closed instead of reaching to the doorknob and pulling the door open.
Taking a few steps away, she collapsed against the kitchen counter shaking all over. Above her head the drawer was slightly open from when JJ had retrieved her service weapon and credentials. Emily knew her own Glock was there in its holster, but she could not muster the energy to reach for it. Also, the thought of JJ finding her dead was too cruel to contemplate.
Unable to think of anything else, she covered her face with her hands the words "what have I done" coming just before the tears.
Later
When Penelope Garcia, wearing a pink and purple silk dressing gown, opened her apartment door to find JJ standing there, she knew everything had fallen apart.
"Do you have anything to drink?" JJ strode past her into the living area.
"Ummm, it's eight thirty in the morning. I have coffee," Garcia turned watching as JJ paused, her back to her, shoulders dropping. When JJ said nothing, Garcia went into her kitchen area returning with a glass and two small bottles. They sat on the couch side by side. JJ opened one of the little bottles and, ignoring the glass, poured the contents into her mouth.
"What the fuck?" she said hoarsely looking at the label. "Brandy?" she upended the bottle and drank the rest.
"Sorry," Garcia said in a small voice.
"Never mind, it hit the spot," JJ placed the empty bottle on the coffee table spun it around several time in her fingers.
Garcia waited; only speaking when it seemed JJ would never open up. "What happened, Jaje?"
"I think I've lost her," she glanced at her friend only briefly before concentrating again on the empty bottle. "Everything was so good," she sighed heavily, the pain evident. "It was so good," a small smile crossed her features and her cheeks coloured slightly. "And then this morning…" she didn't finish.
"Was it about Will?"
When JJ just shook her head Garcia asked softly, "Henry?"
"Indirectly," JJ finally met Garcia's gaze her eyes becoming glassy with tears. "Pen, I didn't know! I wish I had known; I wish I could've helped her. Her father…"
"Oh, dear."
As JJ stood to remove her coat, a folded piece of paper fell from one of the pockets and landed on the coffee table.
Garcia reached it first and slowly unfolded what was actually two pieces of paper. JJ watched her friend's face go through an amazing range of emotions as she read the two sheets. When she handed the papers to JJ, her expression was a mix of sorrow and amazement the complexity of the two confusing JJ.
Lowering her eyes to the top sheet, JJ was surprised to find the words on the faded paper had been written in pencil by a much obviously younger Emily.
At the End of the Night
I lie awake and listen to the train whistles, distant and comforting. In the spring the brook runs high with the sound of rushing water, distant and comforting. Why is it all I can think about is: laying down on the tracks; falling in the water. At the end of the night the train will pass, the brook will flow, and this will all be over.
The page underneath was written much more recently, the paper clean and a crisp white. As JJ read it she felt tears sting her eyes and her throat tighten until she could almost not breathe.
I lie awake and listen to you breathe, close and comforting. In the morning you will wake high with love, close and comforting. Why is it all I can think about is: laying down next to you; falling in love. At the end of the night you are here, I am whole, and everything has just begun.
EP
The papers dropped from JJ's limp hand as she closed her eyes against the tears. Garcia reached out and pulled her trembling friend into a tight embrace.
