Standard Disclaimer: For this and all future songs that find their way into this series, I don't own any rights. Just borrowing them to help tell a story!
Warning: Takes place after season one episode nine, Po'ipu, and contains spoilers for that ep.
Dark Side, by Kelly Clarkson
There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts?
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know what can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Will you love me? ohh
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Don't run away
Don't run away
Don't run away
Promise me you'll stay
Though he would hate the analogy, Danny is a lot like the ocean. Sometimes his words, his feelings, beat against Steve like particularly choppy waves. In the first days of their acquaintance it was like wiping out on his board and being caught in the surf – he didn't know which way was up and it was hard regaining his footing. Now that they've been working together for a while Danny is more like the gentle swells further out from the beach; Steve finds his ranting and hand waving soothing. The detective has become the background noise of his life, and he finds comfort in that.
In the span of one day everything has changed, and once more Steve is struggling to keep his head above water. For six years the one thing he knew he could count on was that his SEAL team would have his six. There was no-one he trusted more. Having a fellow teammate turn on him isn't something he can actively process; it was never part of his world view before now. More than that, Danny has gotten a glimpse into the darkness that lives inside Steve; watched Steve kill someone who only hours before he'd embraced as a friend.
"You okay?" Danny asks, coming to the back of the ambulance.
Steve just nods, not making eye contact. The slice on his arm stings like fury, but he refuses to go to the hospital; the EMTs are in the process of wrapping it in gauze.
"I know you're gonna bitch, but I made you a reservation at the Hilton for tonight." Danny holds up his hand to forestall his partner's argument. "This is not up for debate, Steven. Your house is a crime scene. You are not staying here tonight."
"It's fine."
"It's not fine. You're not fine. As soon as you're finished up here I'm driving you over. No arguments." Danny glares at him before walking away to confer with Chin.
Steve knows it's a losing battle. They've given their statements to HPD and the Governor. His father's house is crawling with crime scene techs and cops. There's no more reason to stand around, to linger, to look at the place where Nick Taylor's body had fallen. He hates being turned out of his place, hates that Danny has been a part of all this.
"I don't have to stay at the Hilton," he says as soon as he's all wrapped up and Danny has materialized back at the ambulance. "You can't afford that."
"That's why I used your card," Danny counters with an unrepentant grin.
Steve isn't up to the banter, not tonight. He's exhausted – physically, emotionally – and would be more than happy to drive himself to the Hilton since Danny's going to make him go anyway.
"I'll take my truck. You go on home."
Danny rolls his eyes. "Yeah. No. I got a double room, 'cause you? Can't be trusted by yourself. You'll uncover some kind of nefarious plot on your way through the lobby and tomorrow morning I'll be hearing how the Hilton blew up. Grab a bag and let's go."
Again Steve doesn't rise to the bait and he can feel the concerned look that's being aimed at him. Instead, he does as he's told and goes to pack a bag. He doesn't even register the amount of damage that's been done to his home as he carefully picks his way through the crime scene, careful not to trod on any evidence.
The ride to the Hilton seems way too long, and he spends it slumped against the passenger door, half asleep. Danny doesn't try to fill the silence, but Steve can feel the weight of his gaze just about every thirty seconds; he wonders how his partner can even stand to be around him right now. He remembers how he stabbed one of Taylor's men in the back, a killing blow that instantly dropped the man. He didn't even know what the other guy looked like, much less his name.
Danny gets them checked in quickly, despite the late hour, flashing his badge in a flagrant abuse of power. Any other time Steve would enjoy himself at his partner's expense for that, but he just doesn't have the energy. Everything has changed and he's still floundering, still getting sucked under by the force of the waves.
"You don't have to stay," Steve says as soon as they're through the door and into the room. "We have a lot to do tomorrow."
"It already is tomorrow, and no we don't. We've done everything but the paperwork, and that will keep for one more day." Danny pushes Steve in the direction of the bathroom. "You need to get washed up. I think you scared the desk clerk."
When Steve shuffles into the bathroom he has to admit that Danny may be right. Between the gash over his eyebrow and the slice on his arm, he's got more than his share of dried blood flaking on his skin. Throw in bloodied knuckles and he looks like he's been through the wars. He dry swallows two Tylenol and wets a washcloth, scrubbing off the worst of the mess. He could really use a shower, but he's just too tired. He quickly changes into cotton sleep pants and balls up his dirty clothes, shoving them back in the bag.
"How's the arm?" Danny asks when Steve comes back out.
"Fine." He braces himself against the wall. "Go home. You don't have to stay."
"You can say that as often as you want, I'm not going anywhere." Danny pushes himself off the nearest bed and grabs his bag, the one he keeps in the trunk of the Camaro for emergencies. "I'm going to wash up. When I come back I want you at least sitting down, if not completely horizontal."
Steve scowls at him, but there's no real heat behind it. He can see how tired Danny is too; it's been a long day for all of them. He doesn't remember ever having an op go so completely wrong, though he knows it's a credit to his team that they were outnumbered and outgunned and still came out on top. It doesn't change the fact that his inability to see that Taylor had gone rogue put all their lives in danger.
With a sigh, Steve slides into the far bed, his back against the headboard and his legs partially covered by the thin blanket. He doesn't like just sitting here when there are so many people putting in extra hours because of him but his adrenalin rush has passed and he knows he'd be useless in the field right now.
Danny comes out of the bathroom wearing gray cut-off sweatpants and a blue t-shirt, both rumpled beyond all hope. He sits on the other bed, his good leg tucked beneath him while the other leg hangs over the side. Steve looks away, looks down at his hands as he bunches up the blanket and then smoothes it out; he repeats the motion over and over.
"I should've known," he says.
"How could you? Nobody knew."
"You did." It comes out sounding more like an accusation than a plain statement of facts, and maybe he's just a bit resentful that his partner seemed to have made Taylor right from the first moment.
"All I knew was that I didn't like the guy. I didn't know him. You had no reason to doubt he was anything but what he seemed." Danny paused. "You and Nick had a history together, I get that. Covert ops and all that crap. You trusted him because he never gave you a reason not to."
"He offered me a piece of the action. Back at the house." The blanket bunches, then smoothes. "All I had to do was kill Pak."
"Look at me, Steven."
It takes a long moment or two, but he can't resist the summons. He has a hard time resisting anything when it comes to Danny. Surely that's a character flaw of some kind, because he's supposed to be the boss.
"What happened with Taylor will never happen to you, do you understand me? Regardless of what I think about the General, and for the record I still think he's getting off way too easy, it's not our place to make that kind of judgment call. We did the job, we kept people alive. Taylor was in it for the money. You're not wired that way."
"I killed his team without knowing anything about them, or even giving them a chance to surrender," Steve protests. "And I keep thinking about what that woman said. 'How can a man do that and still call himself a man?'"
"Self defense, Steve. You think they would've left any of us alive?"
But Steve can't answer right away, because he sees himself grappling with Nick, fighting for control of the knife. And Bullfrog had obviously been neglecting his training or he would've disarmed Steve right off, taken the gun away from him.
"It's like I go to this dark place in my head," he finds himself saying, his voice bleak. "And the training takes over. You don't know the things I've done, the things that Nick had to do."
Danny is getting angry now, Steve can practically feel it radiating off him from one bed away. "Fuck you and your secret SEAL crap, okay? You think I don't have some clue what you had to do?"
"You don't…"
"I do!" Danny yells, and gets to his feet to pace. "You think you're all darkside, but there's more to you than that. I've seen it. You throw yourself in front of speeding bullets and out of planes to protect people you don't even know. Hell, you practically leap tall buildings in a single bound! You listen to me when I'm going through shit with Rachel. You worry about Kono when she's undercover, or how things are going with Chin and Sid. Because you care about people, Steven"
He hears the sincerity in Danny's voice but refuses to let himself be warmed by it. He has to make his partner understand what happened. He has to warn him.
"I care about you," he replies, anger in his own voice now. "And it's wrong, Danny, because I just killed someone I used to trust with my life. How do you know that won't be me a year or two from now, looking for shortcuts that don't need to be taken. Betraying you."
It's a real fear of his, always has been. He's let so many people down, people who mattered to him, and doing that to Danny would be the straw that broke the camel's back. If Nick could do something that unforgiveable, what's to say Steve wouldn't follow his lead when things get really hard.
Danny stops by the end of Steve's bed, his expression thunderous. "You won't. Because I won't let you. Because I care about you, too. I've only got two things keeping me on this stupid rock – you and Grace. And I'm not about to let anything happen to either one of you."
"But that darkness…I can feel it in me," Steve whispers. He can't look away from his partner's expressive face, blue eyes flashing. Danny's next words are softly spoken, though he still looks pretty fierce.
"It always will be. But you know it's there and so you can keep it locked away. With a great big padlock. God knows you'll still need to draw on it from time to time, given the kind of trouble you get yourself into. And that's okay. But you have to see the rest of you that's good too."
Steve wants to believe it. Days like this are so hard, especially in their line of work. It doesn't take much to have you doubting your motives, doubting your faith in yourself or those around you. But Danny is becoming like the swells again, soothing and steady. Inexplicably, he's still here despite everything that happened.
"I won't let you get lost in the dark," he murmurs. Steve shakes his head.
"How can you want that? You're so much better than that. You deserve so much more."
"Yeah, I'm a damn saint." Danny sighs and sits next to Steve on the bed, bumping him with his hip to get him to move over. They sit side by side in silence for several minutes, long enough that Steve's eyelids are starting to droop. He remembers making fun of his partner, who had so instantly disliked Nick
"Were you really jealous?" he asks finally.
"Will you freak out if I say yes?"
"No."
"Then yes."
Despite himself, Steve feels a little smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. There's something incredibly sweet about that, but he doesn't want to bring undo attention and have the mood shift again.
"Will you freak out if I tell you I kind of liked you being jealous?"
"No."
"Cause I did."
"You're such a goof," Danny says affectionately. He pulls Steve into a hug, arms gripping him tightly until some of the tension finally drains away. Steve clutches him back just as hard, trembling a little from physical and emotional overload. He knows they'll probably have to talk about their feelings tomorrow, like a couple of girls, but it can wait.
"So listen," Danny says into the side of Steve's neck. "I'm clinging to consciousness by my fingernails here, so I'm declaring us done. We both need some sleep."
"Will you…" Steve starts to ask but Danny cuts him off.
"Shut up, McGarrett, I'm talking right now. We're going to sleep, and I'm not inclined at this moment to move to the other bed so I hope you don't mind sharing. This is not a come-on or some kind of cheesy move, though you'll probably get both when the time is right. Sleep is all that will be happening here tonight, capiche?"
"I suppose it wouldn't be a hardship for just one night," Steve says, feeling immensely relieved. Danny comforts best in close proximity and he's not ashamed to need that tonight.
"Your sacrifice is noted and appreciated. Move over."
Steve moves as far as he can until he's practically clinging to the edge of the bed. He doesn't want to assume anything, doesn't want to do anything that will chase Danny away. His partner just sighs, and for all of five minutes there's a large gap between them. Steve wants more, is afraid to ask for it.
"Fuck this," Danny grumbles finally, and tugs Steve across the bed. He goes willingly enough, glad to give up control to someone else, just for a little while.
"You remind me who I want to be," he murmurs, tucking himself up against Danny and reveling in his heat. "Don't let me forget."
"I've got you, babe. Get some sleep."
Steve slides an arm over Danny's waist, holding on like his life depends on it. And maybe it does. He has confidence that his partner will do what he said he will, that he has his six. Danny will stick with him, pestering and nagging and making sure he stays grounded. He'd been right earlier; choosing this man to be his friend is the best decision he's ever made.
"Danno…" he sighs contentedly against the other man's collar bone, and falls asleep.
AN: Heard this song the other day and just knew it was a perfect Steve McGarrett song. And this is the ep that popped immediately into my head. Destiny! I was actually aiming for something a little darker, but this is what came out instead. Oh, well. ::grins::
