Disclaimer: All things Star Trek belong to CBS/Paramount. I only own my imagination.
Spoilers: Sacred Ground. If you haven't seen it, this won't make much sense.
Author's Note: I have the ambition to keep these coming, but I also have a real life which can mess with me. Good friends have a talk during difficult times. Not completely open, but it's a start.
"How is she doing?" B'Elanna asked and sat down on the couch.
"Nothing much has changed. She's slowly deteriorating. I went down there just after going off my shift but aside from looking a bit too pale, she looks just like she's sleeping."
Tom stood by the viewport staring out through it. B'Elanna noticed that his voice had an icy edge to it and she concluded that this was more hard on him than he wanted to admit to her. It was difficult. She had long ago stopped suspecting something was going on between those two, but she and Tom had never talked about it, other than in hints which at the time had been neither nice nor wanted. She regretted that they hadn't cleared that air before all of this happened, because now it was definitely difficult to talk about what was happening – for them both.
"I'm sorry," she said, something which caused Tom to turn his head and look at her.
"Sorry?" he echoed. "You don't think that I... " he started saying.
"No Tom, I don't. And it's not what I meant either. I know you're close, but not that kind of close," she said calmly. She sighed. "I'm sorry Tom, for letting things... stay unresolved."
Tom's eyes widened. "What do you mean?" he asked, his voice now revealing uncertainty.
"We've become friends. Real friends. But there have been some things happening along the way that I simply didn't accept or wanted to know about. I'm not Harry. Some things... I'd rather not know." She looked down at her hands which she discovered she was wringing. Bad habit, she thought and forced herself to stop.
Tom kept looking at her. "If it's any consolation, there were things I didn't want to know about either." He shrugged and looked back through the viewport. "I don't know from where that idea comes that you're only a real friend if you talk about everything. Harry and I aren't sharing everything. I still consider him one of my best friends around here." He looked back at B'Elanna. "There are things I can't tell him because if I do I'll reveal things about someone else I don't think he has the right to know. I can tell when a conversation turns in to a confidential one even if I'm not asked to stay silent."
She looked up and met his eyes. Those words were clearly meant for her. So Harry didn't know. Well, he had mentioned not knowing details about her and Tom's little talks over time. The rest could be because he was generally in the know, as everyone on this ship. And he was the senior OP after all. She smiled slightly and nodded.
"On a ship this small you have to mind what you say and to who you say it. I know that too," she replied. Tom smiled back at her.
"I never thought any less of you," he said and slowly walked over to the couch and sat down, stretching out his legs in front of him while leaning back. "Nothing ever happened," he continued. "I'm not stupid. Wait, I take that back," he said and raised his hands temporarily. "What I meant was, I didn't want to do something stupid. I was done with doing stupid things. I cared too much about her to want to wreck her whole existence. Besides, she never saw me as the charmer some other people on this ship has seen me as. She saw me, the Tom I am underneath the joking attitude, and she sympathised but that was all there ever was to it for her. I knew that. I accepted it. I just... had to feel sorry for myself for a while." He turned to look at B'Elanna. "I got used to feeling sorry for myself and I missed it," he said and chuckled. "Harry was right about that."
"About what?" she asked curiously.
"That I did it to myself because I liked it." He paused. "Okay, so don't really like it, but it's a familiar feeling and I had ways to deal with it, usually involving excuses for certain behaviour. It got difficult here though. I couldn't drink myself into a stupor here. Or behave in other less flattering ways. If you can't, then inflicting pain on yourself gets kind of tedious in the long run. Pain isn't that fun in itself." He leaned his head back and looked at the ceiling.
B'Elanna gave him a long look before turning her eyes away. She wasn't ready for any confessions of this kind. Maybe she would never be. It was terribly frightening to give the man next to her the full picture, tell him her fears and vices, why she pushed people away, why she pushed especially him away. This was the perfect opportunity, she realised, but she just couldn't do it. Her reason was the silly date proposal, and it was, because if there was any sincerity to it, and by now she suspected there was, she'd not know how to handle it. How to handle him. No, it wasn't about him. She didn't know how to handle herself. She told herself she was not going to wreck this moment, not say or do anything stupid, not try and push him away. He was simply being honest because a dear friend was wasting away in sickbay and there was nothing he could do about it. He needed support, not incomprehensible behaviour from her. She was simply not going to talk about herself. Suddenly she glanced back and nearly jumped when she noticed he was looking searchingly straight at her.
"I'm sorry about that Lake Como thing. It was stupid," he said.
B'Elanna's eyes darted away. "Don't worry about it," she said but to her annoyance her voice couldn't quite keep its cool.
"Okay, I'm not going to push it, just admit that it was Paris stupid. I'm still learning," he continued with a smile. "Old habits die hard." He sighed. "There I go again. Joking about serious things. What I meant was that I tend to continue the Paris jargon even when I know I should have either shut up or been honest instead." He looked back up at the ceiling. This was the perfect opportunity to be honest, he realised. It was perfect, and yet, could he push it now? She had reached out in a difficult moment and for that he was very grateful, but that didn't mean she would appreciate his honesty. In fact, he didn't know what went on behind those eyes of hers. Sometimes he thought he saw hints of... something, but the instance he thought he saw something it was gone again, often replaced by her trademark brusque behaviour. He decided to not say anything, to not wreck this moment, just accept that she was there.
Moments passed by, and B'Elanna started to feel uncomfortable by the silence. Was he expecting her to say something, to share things? She dared a glance in his direction but he was still gazing at the ceiling. No, he didn't seem to be expecting anything.
"In all of this I'm feeling kind of ashamed because even if I and Kes are close, Neelix is a lot closer," Tom suddenly said.
B'Elanna pursed her lips before responding. "It's not a competition. She have many friends here and if the captain or the Doctor can't help her, everyone will miss her." She turned her head and looked at Tom who met her eyes. "You have a right to worry. And to grieve, if it comes to that. Let's hope it doesn't though," she said with a comforting smile.
Shutting up had its advantages, Tom decided. He had time. Other perfect moments would certainly show up, he decided.
"Thank you," he said.
"You're welcome," she replied and they smiled at each other.
