Disclaimer: They all belong to Joss. I just borrow them to use as my playthings.
Authors Note: So, I realized that Wash and River never really had any one on one time during the show. Since they both have similar sarcastic tendencies, I thought it'd be fun to put them together. Here's how that went. :)
The One Where Wash Knows Something River Doesn't Know
"There, among the stars, we shall make our new home. No asteroid can touch us!"
The long-necked dinosaur took a backseat to the smaller yet pointier one. Wash's voice deepened to accommodate the size difference.
"Asteroid? You idiot! Everyone knows it was the ice that wiped us out. We need a warm planet where the sun will keep us warm and…" He jabbed the pointy one towards the emptiness of space and leaned forward against the ship's controls. "...tan!"
The longneck attacked.
"Ice!"
The pointy one launched onto the longneck's back.
"Sun!"
"Actually, it was volcanoes."
"Ai ya!" Dinosaurs flew into the air and landed haphazardly around the bridge. Wash swiveled his chair to face the barefooted intruder, hands raised.
"Scientists believe that volcanic eruptions impacted the dinosaurs long before the asteroid hit." River hugged the doorway, her toes lightly touching the interior of the bridge. "The climate change would have made it impossible for them to survive."
"Ri…River?" Wash stared with wide unblinking eyes and laughed nervously. "You know you should never surprise a man when he's piloting a big ship…lots of buttons…and lights…and oh god please don't stab me!"
River twisted her lips into a crooked smirk and padded into the room. "Stabbing is an antiquated reflex and highly inefficient." She reached the co-pilots chair and ran her finger over its hard edges. She met his eyes playfully. "Slicing is a much more effective kill tactic."
Wash cleared his throat and dropped his hands. "Well, that's comforting."
She traced the chairs shape until she reached the front. Once there, she lowered herself into its seat. "Besides, I like you. I hope that you live."
Her generous smile lowered Wash's guard. "Well that makes two of us." He leaned back in his chair and gazed at the mass of black and sparkle before them. "You know, they say there are over 70 billion trillion stars out there."
She peered at him from behind the high back of the chair and rolled her eyes.
"Ah hah, I forgot that I was talking to the human database!" He turned back towards the stars. "But I know something you don't know."
Wash's mocking tone prompted River to swivel around to face him. She studied him, calmly, before shaking her head. "You're bluffing."
Wash chuckled. "Oh no, small ninja, I do no such thing."
She cocked her head. "I know how to fly Serenity."
Wash placed his arms behind his head and scoffed. "Mal can fly Serenity and were talking about a man who doesn't even know his own pants size."
River bit her lip in concentration. Suddenly, her eyes lit up. "I can rewire anything on this ship to make it more efficient."
Wash shrugged. "Not bad, but so can Kaylee when she's not flirting with your clueless brother." He paused and side-eyed her. "Does he even like girls?"
River sighed. "That's debatable." She fell back into her chair and stared into space. "I know that you call Zoe your dark chocolate macaroon when you…"
"Whoa!" Wash nearly jumped out of his chair. "Lets, uh, keep that between us shall we?"
"If you insist." River rolled her eyes. "I can read minds, you know."
"So I hear." Wash pulled a dinosaur from the crack between control panels and checked it for damage. "Too bad I'm not thinkin' of the thing that I'm thinkin'…." Confusion covered his features. "Of?" He pointed the dinosaur confidently in her direction. "Of!"
River narrowed her eyes and pulled her knees up to her chest. "You will."
"Oh, the Washburne men possess a mighty willpower." He met her gaze across the bridge. "I won't go down without a fight."
….five minutes later…
"Eeww!" River ran from the bridge and straight into Simon's arms. "Make it go away!"
"River! What's wrong?" He gripped her by the shoulders and steadied her shaking frame. "Did you have a bad dream again?"
"It's big and furry and so blonde!" River pulled herself from Simon's arms and escaped down the corridor.
Simon looked back to see Wash fumbling out of the bridge.
"It was the early 2500's!" He touched his upper lip. "All the Gao gan guys had them back then."
