Welcome to the Jungle
The sun was beginning to dip in the sky when they appeared. He had been laying out in the sun for a time just listening to ocean rise and fall, the sand soft and pliant beneath his back. The weight on his arm had lifted and wandered off some time earlier but he had remained, communing with nature a bit longer. Arguably it had been a mistake.
The crack of their apparition was like a thunder clap and he slowly opened his eyes to see ten wands all pointed at him. He looked at the assembled faces, pausing for a moment on the cute female in the group before coming to rest on one he recognized all too well.
"Hello Ron" he greeted nonchalantly.
"Harry, don't make this harder than it has to be" his wand not wavering on his target.
Harry smirked, "Really Ron there is a lady present, you really think you ought to be talking about me getting hard while I'm lying here all naked."
The aforementioned lady blushed but was professional enough not to look away. Ron just scowled.
"Don't play games Potter, you're coming with us" he growled, doing a poor impression of Mad-eye Moody.
Harry considered his reply for a moment, snickered to himself and decided, "Nah, too easy."
Ron didn't have the slightest idea what he meant but apparently someone did as her aggravation overcame her professionalism and she slapped herself in the forehead in an effort to clear the nasty thought.
"My my, you must have a very dirty mind" said Harry, turning a lecherous grin at the only female auror present.
"Oh shut up you" she snapped, which only made him grin.
"Alright, enough of this, stand up, hands where we can see em" commanded another of the aurors.
"Hmmm, No" he said, and before any of them could react he sank into the sand out of sight.
"Dammit" cursed Ron, "How'd he do that without a wand."
"Maybe he used his other wand" quipped one of the aurors.
"Oh shut up Johnson" snapped Ron.
"Johnson is exactly what we were talking about" snarked another which set the rest of them to snickering.
"If you little boys are through making dick jokes" said the lady, hands on hips with a disapproving stare.
"Indeed, no more dick jokes show a little class would you."
As one the aurors turned and saw their quarry standing on the edge of the forest not twenty meters away.
"Stop" one of them shouted.
Harry just smirked at them, "Go" he said before prancing away into the wood.
"After him" commanded Ron.
Stumbling about in the soft shifting sands they did as ordered albeit a bit slowly which meant that by the time they made it to the edge of the forest he was nowhere in sight.
"Blast it."
They looked about frantically hoping to find some clue but there was nothing to be found.
"Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man" he sang, though still out of sight the aurors went charging into the wood in the general direction of the song.
For the various birds watching it was a laughable little sketch as nine grown men and one woman in heavy maroon robes went tearing through the thick wet vegetation following some crazy fool singing nursery rhymes.
Eventually they stumbled into a clearing, that being a place where the vegetation wasn't so thick it seemed to be trying to drag them to the ground and at last spotted him.
"DON'T… Move…potter" gasped Auror Ron as he fought to catch his breath.
Harry just snickered a bit then began laughing outright as the assembled aurors struggled to catch their breath after their little jaunt.
"You lot are so pathetic" he said between cackles.
One of the aurors stood up straight looking to say something but then immediately doubled over again and began puking.
Harry just shook his head.
"Well, now that were all here, let's talk aye" said Harry jovially.
"There's nothing to talk about, you're coming with us" declared Ron, once again pointing his wand at his onetime best mate.
"And why is that?" he queried, "Why is it after all these years the ministry is sending its loyal dogs out to retrieve little old me?"
Of course he didn't expect an answer and his audience did not appear eager to provide so he filled in the blanks himself.
"I think, you're here because you've got another dark thingy going bump in the night back home and the highly officious ministry has decided you bunch of tossers aren't up to handling it so they send you out to find little old Harry Potter, registered buster of boogey men and dark thingy slayer extraordinaire" he finished with flare giving a highly exaggerated bow.
The aurors scowled at him but didn't refute.
"So you'll come then" said the female auror, just a hint of hope cracking her angry façade.
"No."
Had they been Japanese there would likely have been a massive face fault following that, but being British, they were much too naturally stoic for such nonsense.
"I washed my hands of silly things like ministries, society's, and just civilization in general years ago. I certainly have no intention of going back and more to the immediate point, there's not one of you here that can make me" he said looking mighty smug.
"Think so" sneered Ron, "Well I count ten of us and only one of you, now, you gonna come quietly or are we gonna have to rough you up a bit first?"
Harry just shook his head, "Clearly there's no reasoning with them, don't you agree Harry" he said looking to left.
"One track mind Harry, like a dog with a bone" agreed the other Harry who was holding back a rather bendy looking branch.
Breath now caught and seeing double, the aurors didn't know how to react to the sudden appearance of a second Harry Potter.
"Don't be fooled, it's just an illusion" deduced the female auror.
"Think so sugar tits" said Harry number two releasing the branch and firing off its cargo.
The projectile came to fast to block or throw up a shield and impacted her right square in the chest, exploding into a syrupy green slime that covered her from head to toe.
"Ooo, nice one Harry."
"Why thank you Harry."
"Fucking bastard" said the angry dripping female.
Sensing the likely coming of violence in their direction the two Harry's made a split second decision.
"TTFN" said one.
"Ta Ta For Now" said two.
And with no further warning they took off in different directions, leaving the aurors fuming impotently.
"Whu do we do" asked Johnson.
"You four come with me" ordered Ron, "The rest of you go after the other one."
"That hardly seems like a good idea" said the angry sticky woman.
"We have magic, he doesn't, sooner or later he'll slip up and when he does, we nail his ass."
She would have debated the likelihood of that happening before he got the rest of them but Weasley was the senior auror on this particular mission so she really had little choice but to follow his orders, even if she was wet, sticky, and mad.
Ron and his team followed after Harry one which proved to be much easier than expected. He was clearly making no effort to hide his tracks and was following what looked to be a preexisting trail. Of course trail was a bit generous a name, what it really was in fact was a break in the green, some dirt but mostly mud or standing water.
"I swear when I get hold of that bastard I'm gonna choke him till he turns blue" grumbled Ron.
"Whatever floats your boat Weasley" muttered one of the other aurors.
Ron turned around to ask him just what the hell he meant by that but made the mistake of stepping into what looked like a shallow puddle. Come to find out it was not as his leg sank into the viscous mud up to mid-thigh.
"Great Bloody 'ell" he exclaimed, losing his wand in the undergrowth as he fumbled about in his incredibly awkward position.
"Really put your foot in it this time Weasley" snarked one of the aurors which made the others chuckle.
"Oh shut your gob Richardson and help me out."
Moving forward everyone watched as the two men struggled to pull the ginger auror from the mud. It took a good five minutes of pulling and yanking and the language used during the exertion would have made any sailor proud to hear and have every mother reaching for the nearest bar of soap.
At last, with one final mighty heave it was accomplished and both Weasley and Richardson went crashing into the undergrowth, but thankfully not back into the mud.
"Uugh, stupid jungle, stupid mud, stupid Potter" grumbled Ron, "well come on, we've wasted enough time."
Crawling to his feet he looked about for his companions only to find them gone. There was Richardson of course right next to him but the other three were gone.
"Now where did those idiots wander off to?" he asked sourly, not like things weren't already going bad enough.
"Travers! Jones! Wood!" Richardson called, but no answer came.
"Bloody Hell, he must a gotten them" declared Ron, looking about nervously.
"Who got them?" asked Richardson dumbly.
"Potter you idiot who else. He got Travers, Jones, and Wood. Good god Man, Potters got Wood."
"I do not and how dare you imply such a thing, dirty boy."
The two aurors spun around to see the man in question leaning casually against a tree.
"You" screamed Ron.
"Me" agreed Harry who nimble dodged the sizzling pink spell thrown at him before dashing off again cackling madly.
Meanwhile…
Weasley and Richardson weren't the only ones having their trouble as Johnson and his team had lost what little trail there was. They did however find something else.
"A river, finally" exclaimed the filthy female auror.
"You really think you can wash that gunk off with water Weaver?" said Johnson.
"Won't know unless I try" she insisted and plunged in headfirst.
"You know if you're going to wash you really ought to take off your cloths."
"In your dreams Fletcher" she made a point to scowl at said Fletcher.
"Definitely in mine" said the other auror.
"Drop dead Hobbs."
Johnson snickered at the less than playful banter, "What about you Bowman anything to add?"
Silence was his only answer and when he turned to look he found that his fifth man had vanished. Before he had a chance to start panicking about that however there was a cry of distress from the river.
"Hey, what the hell is happening to my robes" exclaimed Weaver as she made a futile effort to hang on to her dissolving cloths.
"Craziest things you find in the Jungle" said an echoing voice.
The aurors spun around and around looking for the source of the voice. Weaver looked about franticly then turned around and froze.
"Hello baby."
She shrieked in surprise and fell fully into the water, losing sight of him in the process though it hardly mattered as her remaining teammates could still see him and fired off spell after spell in an attempt to stun, bind, and otherwise immobilize him. This would have been all well and good if they had actually hit him.
Sadly they seemed to suffer from storm trooper syndrome and kept missing even as he dodged about rather lazily before simply vanishing beneath the water's surface.
"Fletcher, grab Weaver and get her out of there, we can't lose him now."
Even as Fletcher moved to obey his commander, the unlikely duo of Weasley and Richardson were chasing after their own Harry Potter.
It was clear to anyone watching that he was playing with them as he remained just out of range, giving them the occasional glance before disappearing again. Ron being of a rather temperamental nature to begin with was practically frothing at the mouth. Of course that made it harder to breathe which was why Richardson was actually a few paces ahead of him and why when Richardson ran head first into the giant spider web, clever old Ron Weasley was just barely able to stop himself in time.
Of course as his partner struggled and called for him to help, a creeping, horrible thought occurred to him. Where there was a spider web, there was usually a spider, and a web that big would mean.
He momentarily lost control of his bowels when he heard the horrible hissing clicking sound he remembered all too well from when he was twelve. Creeping down from the trees was one of the biggest spiders he'd ever seen. Now some might assume having survived Aragog and his brood, one giant spider wouldn't be enough to frighten him anymore.
Of course they would have to realize that regular sized spiders still scared him so seeing one of the giant varieties he did the only thing he could do. With the loudest most girlish scream he could muster he ran as fast as he could away from the nightmare inducing abomination, leaving the last man on his team without a second thought.
At that same moment, Johnson and Weaver were having their own problems. Fletcher and Hobbs had been the first across the river and after Potter and had been nowhere to be found once Johnson and Weaver made it across. The only sign had been a spot where there tracks simply stopped and potters kept going.
With no way to track their missing comrades and night time quickly closing in on them they pressed on, praying their fallen mates would forgive them.
Johnson was in the lead, holding his wand up like a torch leading the way while Weaver followed behind, clutching one of Johnsons spare wands as hers had all vanished along with all of her clothing.
The slime, she realized had been some kind of specialized solvent as it had done nothing to her hair or her skin but perfectly dissolved everything she had been wearing from her auror robes to her cotton panties. Of course, there was more to it than that and every step she took she became more and more aware of it. Something in the slime had also made her skin hypersensitive.
Everything she touched she felt more acutely than she had ever felt before. Smooth big leaves caressed her thighs like silt while others with fuzzy little hairs on them caressed her as she walked by sending chills down her spine and into places she'd really rather not think about. Her libido was rising quickly and she was finding it harder and harder to so much as think let alone walk a straight line.
Johnson didn't notice and came to a halt when the tracks just disappeared.
"Blast, where did he go."
His exclamation yielded no answers and Weaver didn't even hear him as every ounce of her will was being used to hold back the waves of pleasure coursing through her body. She let out a small whimper which he must have heard since he turned and took a step towards her which was a terrible mistake.
The rope caught his foot and pulled before he could even register its presence and poor old Johnson disappeared into the night, leaving Weaver all alone, if only for a moment.
"My my, what is this" said a voice.
"A poor little babe lost in the woods, oh what a terrible shame."
Weavers will wavered, the voice sounded so nice, so soothing, what was she supposed to be doing again? All thought processes stopped however when she felt his hands stroke her arms. The wand she'd been holding fell from her fingertips and she arched her neck as burning lips placed butterfly kisses from her ear to her collarbone.
"Don't worry baby, daddy's going to take good care of you."
It was hours after dark when Ron Weasley finally reached the tree line. By this point he had lost his wand, his spare wand, his backup wand, his backup, and his dignity, what little there had been to begin with. He was dirty, smelly, wet, cold, and ready to just lie down and cry for his mommy.
But it was alright now, he was out. No more evil mud holes or giant spiders to get him out here on the sand he thought happily, taking a good look around him as he thought this. It wasn't the same beach he'd arrived on, the body of water wasn't big enough, and he could see the other side. He must be in the middle of the island he supposed.
As he continued to look around, he spotted a light, the man made variety. Thinking in the way that Ron Weasley thinks his first thought was, I wonder if they have any food.
Trudging down the beach, he was able to make out a single person sitting against a log, facing the fire. So glad to finally see another person after hours of stumbling around in the jungle it never occurred to him who that person probably was.
"Hey! Hey, excuse me, can you help me?" he shouted as he drew near.
"At this point I really think you're beyond help Ron."
The voice froze him in his tracks. No, it just couldn't be.
"Harry" his voice quavered.
"You were expecting someone else" said Harry, glancing over his shoulder briefly.
"No. No. It can't be. Where are the others, Johnson, Wood, Travers, where are my men?" he demanded frantically.
"There right here."
He turned just in time to catch a rope with eight bits of wood tied to it, thrown by the second Harry.
"It can't be" he stammered, looking down at the bits of wood, each in the shape of a man, "What did you do to them? Why's there only eight?"
In response to the second question, the first Harry reached down in front of him and pulled up a brunette head, attached to a very nice and very naked body.
"Weaver!" exclaimed Ron, seeing his naked subordinate tongue wrestling with the man they'd been sent to retrieve.
"Poor little thing was so pent up we just couldn't leave her like that" said the second Harry, as the first one's mouth was a bit busy, "Don't worry, we'll send her back when we're done. Maybe."
Ron sputtered and stuttered and tried to say something but never got the chance and he just had enough time to register the tug behind his navel before the portkey whisked him away.
"Uuh, Finally" said Harry number two.
In a rippling of light, Harry number two vanished, leaving behind a very curvaceous, very naked, and very blonde woman.
"Now then, where were we" she said looking down at her equally naked compatriots, "Oh that's right, TLC."
Harry, the real Harry chuckled.
"I do love jungle rules."
