The sun has set. Fuyumi came home earlier, changed out of her work clothes into some slightly less severe, and announced she was visiting a friend and could Misa please not mess up the flat while she was gone. Misa rolled her eyes and nodded and now she's hunting through Fuyumi's kitchen, searching for wine. "We should celebrate, Mochi. We've made it like three days! Raito will be so pleased with me..." Mogi feels like he should stop her - just because Fuyumi didn't say don't search the place for alcohol doesn't mean she wants Misa to consume an entire bottle on her own - but he doesn't know how to start. Misa is too bright tonight, too chatty - or is he just thinking that because of how drained she seemed earlier? Well, she is under stress, she does often deal with it by getting louder and having a drink. Besides, he's caught up on the news again and he had to tell her about Eriko Aizawa's suicide attempt. In Misa's eyes, that's a depiction of true love, of course it will make her thoughtful. It's unsettled Mogi too, but for different reasons. He tells himself that if Aizawa had been found - either alive or dead - Takada would've made sure to mention it. Ide and Matsuda must surely have talked sense into him if he did start wanting to do something hasty.
They have made it three days - he and Misa, at least, and the others presumably - and that's the problem. He really, really wants to believe that it means something, that it's a sign of things to come, that they'll be all right. The lack of difficulty they've had so far, the normality of it - trains and hotels and staying with relatives - means that sometimes he doesn't feel scared any more, because nothing really bad's happened, and sometimes he feels even more scared because it proves normality doesn't mean safety. Which is something he should already know. Look at what's happening to Aizawa's family, after all.
Misa has found the wine; she's searching for a corkscrew now. Her hands shake as she wrenches open the kitchen drawer, and she almost drops the corkscrew when she finds it. "Oops!" A giggle, a nervous grin. "And Misa hasn't even had any yet!" She's scared too. If the situation were different, he could make himself feel less uneasy by reassuring her that things would be all right. But it's entirely his fault that she is scared, so what is he meant to say to her, really? Apart from I'm sorry? Misa pours them each a generous glass of wine; it's dark and red and she pulls a face as she sips it, then takes a large gulp and comes to sit cross-legged on the floor next to him, slamming the bottle down between them. When she turns away to take another drink, he gently slides it towards him instead.
"Would you like to play cards again?" he says. Fuyumi brought the pack back with her yesterday, handing it over with a comment about how she wasn't sure Moji and Misa were finding enough to do together. Mogi can't decide whether she thinks they can't keep their hands off each other or whether she's figured out what they're running from. Still, the cards have been helping, in the same way that the board games did when the two of them were with the SPK; focusing on winning a game, or teaching Misa how to play a new one. Little distractions.
But now Misa shakes her head fiercely. "No way! Night's the time to have fun. Hey..." A wicked grin; she points at him, and says, "We should play strip poker."
He wouldn't ever say yes, of course, but he's turning red anyway, and Misa shrieks with laughter. "Kidding! I was kidding, it's okay, you know I would never do something like that - oh, Mochi, you looked so scared!"
"It's not... it's not that," he manages to say. "I just don't think your sister would approve."
Misa shrugs. "Anyway... Mochi's probably got a great poker face. Misa would end up in her underwear and Mochi wouldn't have changed at all, and that's not fair."
"It... it would be taking our cover story a bit too far, certainly."
"Totally! And Raito wouldn't be very impressed. I've never played strip poker with him. Actually, Mochi spends way more time with him than Misa does!" Another gulp of wine; she drains half the glass this time. Mogi's not sure what to say to this. They both know that what little time Raito got away from the task force has been spent with Kiyomi Takada. But Misa's already carrying on, "Still, when this is all over, you guys won't be spending so much time at work, right? That'll be nice." He really doesn't know what to say to that, but this time, Misa isn't filling the silence - she's staring at him. Waiting for him to reassure her, and he knows he should be saying yes, of course, letting her think that she and Raito will have their happy ending like he always has before, but the wine's slowing the lies down -
"Mochi?" Misa says, in a small voice.
"Yes..." he begins, and he's about to say yes, I'm sure you will, and he thinks in his head that that will be if he and the rest of the task force are dead but surely that won't bother Misa too much. After all, if she was the second Kira once then how many people has she killed?
No. She doesn't know that any more, she's been wiped clean of whatever desperate impulse made her do it, surely? All she wants now is to be happy, safe with someone who loves her. Someone who she knows loves her. What she said earlier - she's sensed how indifferent Raito is to anyone who isn't him -
If she goes back to Raito - to Kira - the last thing she'll be is safe. Especially not now, when he'll be irrational and out of control, when he has admitted he would have been quite happy to have Kiyomi Takada murdered just to tie up a loose end, when Misa has been spending time with one of the task force and could have found out any number of things Raito didn't want her to. And - and if she does insist on returning, even knowing what he is, what he's done, then surely that's better than walking into it blindly? If Kira wins and Mogi and the others are killed, Misa will at least know the truth.
And he owes her that by now. He's hurt her enough by lying.
"Misa," he says, slowly, carefully, and just saying the word doesn't do anything. "I think that there's something you need to know." Oh, god, what the hell is he thinking? This could get him killed - this could get them all killed -
"Oh, something scandalous?" Misa giggles, half-heartedly, but then puts down her wine glass, focuses on him. "Or is it... something about..."
But he'll be careful, he's not going in blindly either - he just owes her this - if necessary he can run and at least she'll have the truth -
He swallows. "Look... you should know that I... well, I've only acted as your manager, of course, but I... I've always wanted to make sure that you're not going to get hurt, or... or be put in danger." He's already started with another lie, but he can hardly think of what he's saying - the wine is slowing down all the words, too. He has to do this. If he uses her to save his own skin, that really does make him no better than Raito, and then he has no right to get her to stay with him.
"Well, sure," Misa says. "I mean, you've always been really concerned about me. It's sweet." She giggles, smiles shyly at him.
"It isn't just that - that... The thing is that -"
The phone rings.
Misa jumps, almost knocking over her glass. Giggling again - "I'd better get that, okay? It's probably Fuyumi, she's probably... and you know, I don't want to... back in a moment!" Chattering as she gets up, reaches for the receiver, and then: "Hello, Amane residence!" Mogi breathes out, cursing the timing. This is not going to get him off the hook. As soon as she gets off the phone he'll just say it, that things are different from how he explained, that - that Raito is - that Raito has -
And if she turns him in? Which she very well might do, even if just out of fury at how he's made her worry for nothing? Then what? Who is he trying to fool, thinking he can convince her that Raito isn't the best thing for her?
"Fuyumi, what's going on?" Misa laughs, awkwardly, and then: "Okay, okay. Seriously, though, I think you're a little confused -" She lays the receiver down by the phone and then scurries across to the TV, picks up the remote - switches to NHN -
Kiyomi Takada is there, smiling out at them as if everything is normal, and behind her - there are the photographs, his and Aizawa's and Ide's and Matsuda's, each with the name alongside, and it hits him, oh, god, that's it now, and then Misa starts to speak: "Where's... I don't understand, why isn't..."
"Misa..."
"Where's Raito?" she says. "You said Takada was..." She trails off, listening. Takada is more animated this time - urging the audience to be vigilant, to keep their eyes open, to call this number if they see any of the four fugitives, and then, just to underline how much of a liar one of her targets really is, she reads out the names again.
"Misa," he says, "Listen -" but she's trembling, she looks round at him and as she stares at him he stops talking, she's already figured it out.
"They weren't... they were never looking for him," she says. "Of course they weren't, Kiyomi would never do that, why was Misa so stupid?"
"I -"
"You lied to me!" she screams, and suddenly she's sobbing, and she drops both the remote and the glass of wine as she dives at him. He grabs her arms as she lashes out and for once he's talking, Misa, Misa please, please calm down, let me explain and she's yelling at him and she's starting to cry, kicking out and, "I had to -" he hears himself say -
"No!" She wrenches herself free of him, stands glaring up at him, face red and shiny with tears. "No, no, you didn't have to! They were never looking for him! He and Misa were never in any danger at all, it was just you, you wanted to - to get Misa to run away with you and - trick me into - into thinking -"
"I didn't, not - not like -"
"You made me come back here!" she screams and she kicks out again, not at him this time but at the little table, sends it flying - "I only came back to protect Raito and you made me!"
"I'm sorry!" and he thinks he sounds like he means it, he does mean it, he didn't want this, but Misa simply snaps back at him: "Where's Raito?"
"The last I knew, he was with Kiyomi Takada."
Misa glances wildly from the TV back to Mogi. "Why? Why would he go there? I don't -" She shakes her head suddenly, rubs a hand across her eyes. "You're lying. You're lying, to make me mad with Raito. That's it, isn't it?" She glares up at him, still shaking. "You wanted - you were going to tell me how much you cared or something and then you were going to pretend - I don't know, pretend Raito was dead or in jail or that he'd run off with Takada so I would -"
"No! Damn it, Misa, I wouldn't do that!"
"Really? Well, how come you're here with me? Where are the others, where's Monchichi, why aren't you with them?"
"Because... because I was concerned about you."
She snorts. "Uh-huh. That's why you lied, right? That's why you're getting me to help hide you? Kiyomi isn't looking for me." He wants to deny it, explain that it isn't what it looks like, but it is, in one way it really is, and suddenly she's screaming at him, "Don't just go quiet again!" It's like a slap. And it shakes words out of him:
"He doesn't love you. You were right all along."
Misa goes very still and Mogi wants to take it back but he carries on, "He's only out for himself. He certainly doesn't care about anyone else's welfare, least of all yours. If we hadn't left the hotel, he would have come back to you. He would have lied to you just as much as I have and he would have told you he loved you whenever you needed convincing to do what he wanted and then he probably would have killed you to stop you giving anything away. As it is, he's chosen to stick with Takada and carry out the same thing with her. Tell her how much he loves her and how stupid he thinks you are. I wanted you out of his way. Does that help?"
He expects Misa to scream at him, but she is just staring, her face like marble, her lips white because they're pressed together so hard. At last, she swallows, and after a few moments, she manages to say, "You're lying."
"You know I'm not. You know how he treats you, you know that he's been seeing Takada -"
"None of it makes sense!" She actually stamps her foot. "Why are you talking like he's in any danger? I know it's not true! And he wouldn't kill me, he loves me. He's told me and he knows I'd always be on his side anyway - and if we're talking about sides, why are you suddenly changing sides?"
"I haven't changed sides." He sounds dull and quiet now. Feels it. Arguments always tire him out. Especially when, like now, he can't just walk away, has to keep trying to defend himself. If it all goes to hell at least he genuinely has no idea where Aizawa and Ide and Matsuda are, he won't drag them down with him. Although once Raito has the notebook, location won't matter any more -
"Sure sounds like it," she spits back at him. "No, Mochi, you're going to have to do better than that."
He stares at her, swallows, trying to see through all the shouting and the pounding of his heart to work out what he could say. Raito, he suspects, would know exactly what to say in order to produce the effect he wanted. Or is it just that Raito would have the advantage that Misa's infatuated with him?
Whatever he says, it has to sound convincing; she'll be on the lookout for lies now -
Or...
Or he could just tell her the truth. Tell her everything, leave her with her sister, walk away. Give her back the choice to return, like he was going to. It isn't like he has much time left before someone sets NHN on him. It isn't like she's much safer with him than with Raito, or that she won't end up with Raito again soon enough anyway.
He can feel that everything is over but he doesn't feel scared so much as tired.
"All right," he says, and he sounds tired, too, or at any rate like he's only giving Misa the information to get her to stop complaining. "Raito is Kira." Misa's mouth falls open, but he quickly carries on, "When he told you to stay at the hotel - he and all of us and the SPK, we were all going to meet, to... to put an end to the case. He was going to have us killed, but it didn't work as he'd intended. He got shot in the hand but Takada's bodyguards showed up and helped him get away. Now he's using NHN to hunt us down."
Misa is still staring at him, frowning now, and he takes the opportunity to say, "The reason his plan didn't work out was that - he intended to kill Takada when she was kidnapped, but in deciding that, it let us see what he was doing." And, even though he feels cruel saying it: "He told Takada that he loved her, as well."
"If - if he's Kira -" Misa's voice shakes a little, but it sounds like she's angry, not crying - "then why hasn't he killed you now? If he's so mad with you he can get NHN doing all those broadcasts, then why is he letting you stay alive to run away?" Mogi stares at her, not wanting to mention the notebook, but already her eyes are widening: "Stole - you said - you've got it, haven't you? You've got whatever Kira needs to kill people. That's why all the criminals have stopped dying. He can't kill you, not right now."
Mogi forces his face to remain blank, and shrugs and turns away as if he hasn't got time to answer the question. He needs to get out of here. Even if Fuyumi hasn't already reported him, Misa is probably going to pick up the phone as soon as he's gone, and he needs a head start.
"Hey," Misa snaps at him as he takes a step towards the door. "Where do you think you're going?"
"I've told you the truth now."
"Yes, but -" She's trembling. "You can't just - you can't just leave me here. I don't - I mean, if what you say is true, Kiyomi won't let me get near Raito - I need a place to go to think and stuff -" Her words are slipping and stumbling over each other - she tugs at a lock of her hair. "Don't you dare - I need to think - he'll want me back -"
"Will he?" Mogi has said before he can think.
Misa's shoulders hunch over as if he's struck her in the chest. "Shut up."
"You said yourself you know how he treats you."
"If he's Kira, then he's got more important things to think about! And besides he said - we've been living together - he asked me to marry him -" She lists the facts frantically, gabbling like a child. "If he's Kira then - then he wants to help, he wants a perfect world - he said he loves me -"
"When you've helped him somehow?" He wants to stop, wants to go back to being quiet and listening to her talk about how wonderful her boyfriend is but he can't, not any more, no matter how horrible it is -
"It isn't like that!"
"He doesn't care about anyone but himself. You know that, Misa! If you want a life with someone who loves you, why the hell are you going to him?"
Misa turns her back now; at last, through gritted teeth, she says, "You know I could call NHN right now and tell them where you are."
"I know." He'd probably try and stop her. He's caught hold of Misa before to stop her getting herself tangled up in things. But this time she'd fight him, and he doesn't - he doesn't want it to end up like that.
Perhaps she doesn't, either, or perhaps she's just waiting for the right opportunity. At any rate, she just looks round at him and says, "So, why are you trying to make me angry?"
"That's not what I'm trying to do."
"It sounds like it is! I could just go over to the phone..."
Her voice trails off. He follows her gaze, and he sees - they both see - that the phone's still off the hook, that she never ended the call with her sister. She dashes over to it, snatches it up. "Fuyumi? Fuyumi!" A voice on the other line, and she yells "Where is she?" The next second she's hung up, whirls round to look at him. "She left - she'll be coming back here -"
"Rather than just - just call NHN?"
"She won't do that. She thinks she's too good for that, it'd be being a sheep, going along with what everyone wants. She wants to come back here and see exactly how right she was, how stupid Misa messed it all up again and was too dumb even to notice how much you were lying to me -" She gasps for breath. "We have to go." Before he can answer she yells at him, "Don't you dare run off now! We're going to hide somewhere and then you're going to tell me everything that happened! Everything, okay? I have to find him!"
Anything is better than her turning him in, even if her eyes are wide and white and her voice keeps shaking. He nods, and says, "Where?"
"Somewhere not near here. She'll tell on them, she'll hurt Raito, she - we should get away. You said you want to look after me, well, fine -" She scowls up at him, chin sticking out defiantly. "You help me find Raito, you help me keep him safe and don't you dare say anything like that about him again or I'll call NHN, I mean it, Mochi!"
"All right," he says - not like there's any time to debate the issue. "But we'll need to find somewhere to stay tonight. People are going to recognise me -"
Misa's already hurrying around, packing clothes into the carrier bag she brought, dodging the patch of spilt wine. "There's a hotel off the motorway. Another one where they don't see your face. We always used to joke about going there, when we were at school, we knew they didn't ask questions. We'll have to walk, I guess, but we can do that."
"That sounds like a good plan." He starts collecting together his own few possessions. Misa's packed already, is hopping up and down on her heels. "She'll come back, she's probably on her way now, hurry up -" When he's ready she grabs his arm, scurries towards the door, down the steps. Outside it's cold and dark and the lit-up flat with the warmth and the taste of wine seems years away.
ooo
Ide is starting to wonder whether Matsuda's actually right and Aizawa really is flirting with their hostess. She just brought them in more food - say what you like, the woman can cook - and now she's standing by the table, obviously just about to leave but instead pushing back a strand of hair and asking shyly "So... Aihara-san is married?" Aizawa glances away, says that he is but work keeps him so busy, busier than he'd like, and she smiles like she understands and talks about how her husband is exactly the same, and Matsuda gives Ide a significant look and kicks him under the table. Outside it's dark already, and shadows creep along the walls. Ide doesn't like it. He wishes he'd got them to move on after all; sticking around here only means that someone is going to be more likely to recognise you.
Sato may well not be her real name, of course. Quite a lot of people in the service industry quietly put forward an innocuous alias these days. Just in case. There have been cases of people losing their tempers, customers feeling aggrieved, names being put up on the Internet. Even if Kira doesn't act - and sometimes he doesn't - rumours get around. No smoke without fire and that sort of thing.
Of course, that's small fry compared to the amount of notoriety Ide's name's been receiving this week.
The front door rattles; a man walks in, greets Sato, warily acknowledges the three guests. She steps away from Aizawa, starting to gather up empty plates. Matsuda's grinning. In addition to that, his feet are stretched out so that they're resting against Ide's. Ide isn't sure whether he should be annoyed at that or not. Maybe it's something that you do when you're... involved in that kind of activity with another person, he doesn't know. It isn't as if it's particularly annoying in itself, it's just that it's making him keep thinking about said activities and he still isn't comfortable doing even that in public, or at least not in front of Aizawa, who knows him far too well.
And really, physical acts and the etiquette surrounding them really shouldn't be his main concern right now. They're in serious danger. He should stop encouraging Matsuda and focus on how the hell they're going to manage to survive. Except that he can't because he doesn't know, and when he tries to think about it all he can picture is the fold of notepaper hidden in his jacket.
He swallows, forces the thoughts out of his mind, carries on eating. Sato's husband has walked over to the kitchen, is talking quietly to his wife. No other guests, again. A clock's ticking, but it's in shadow, too dim to see the hands. No one's got anything to say to each other that can be said when they're not on their own. Still, the house has got its own sounds; the hum of the heating, the low voices of their hosts, the faint mumble of the TV in the kitchen like you hear sometimes when you're walking along a street.
The signature tune of News 7 echoes softly from the kitchen. It's Matsuda who notices it - sits up a little, unease crossing his features. Aizawa seems lost in his own thoughts. Ide catches Matsuda's eye and Matsuda grins at him again as if he's trying to make out that he's not really worried. It's not like there is any reason to be worried. "Good evening. This is News 7, and I'm Kiyomi Takada." They've survived three days, and if they look wary every time the news plays they're only going to get themselves caught.
From the kitchen, there's a clatter. Matsuda jumps, making the table shudder, and Aizawa glares at him. The Sato husband pulls the kitchen door to, walks purposefully past them. They can't hear the news now. Matsuda glances nervously from the closed door to Ide to Sato, who's picked up his coat, is searching through the pockets for something. Ide wants to shake Matsuda; how can he not see he's making them look twice as guilty by seeming so scared? But it isn't like he can say anything and the next second Matsuda's blurted out to the man, "I... I didn't hear... Sato-san said you're very busy, where is it you work again?"
The man looks at them; his face is closed, wary, as he answers. Ide stares down at his plate, at his coffee cup; his heart's juddering against his ribs like a stalling car. Stop it. Calm down, nothing's happened - But Aizawa is looking wary now, too, and all at once he gets to his feet, walking across to the kitchen (hands in pockets, fake-casual, but Ide saw how his hands were trying to curl into fists) and calls to their hostess, "Sato-san... any chance of some more of that coffee?"
From his seat Ide can just see the edge of the woman's face. She's standing in the kitchen, arms wrapped round herself, staring straight ahead, and her face is dead white.
Just as he realises how much trouble they're in, the husband shoves past Aizawa to stand between him and the kitchen door, and says, coldly, "I don't think you should be going near my wife. I think you should stay where you are."
Matsuda goes very still; Aizawa sighs, almost as if in resignation, but then looks back at the guy and says, "I've offended you in some way, Sato-san?"
"You know what you've done." The man is tensed, eyes darting between the three of them. He's clutching his mobile phone, has it open. "I suppose I was thrown off because there weren't four of you, but I guess you split up or something? And... this is hardly the kind of place condemned criminals would choose to hide out anyway. I always thought it was perfectly safe for Mariko to take care of things on her own, but -"
"It's not like you think." Matsuda's voice is shaky and loud; he scrambles to his feet. "It's not, we didn't do anything, we're not -"
"Shut up," Ide hisses at him, and Matsuda actually does, but he's still shaking.
"We're not going to hurt anyone," Aizawa says, and Ide's impressed, even through his terror, at how calm he is. "You learnt who we are and you don't want the danger of having us under your roof - okay, fine. We can just head out right now and you'll never have to see us again -"
"Are you crazy?" the man snaps. "You - you think I'm going to give you a free pass or whatever? Kira finds out my wife and I have been giving you food and shelter, we'll be dead by the end of the week!"
"He won't find out," Aizawa says, "if you don't tell him."
"No disrespect, but I'm sure he'll work it out sooner or later." The man looks pale and sick now. "Just - just stay where you are!" as Aizawa takes a step towards him. His fingers move on the phone keypad - he's calling NHN, Ide realises, must be. "You can't escape Kira anyway, you may as well give yourselves up - I can't just let you walk out, I can't -"
"Listen to me -" Aizawa is beginning but then his voice is drowned out by the clatter as Matsuda scrambles to his feet properly and then he's standing there levelling his gun at the man and he's stammering out "Don't. Drop the phone."
They all stare - even Mariko Sato is crouched, peering round the kitchen door. Matsuda's horribly pale and his breath is coming in short, shaky gasps as he carries on, "I mean it. Put it down. I'll kill you, I can do it, I know I can, just. Just stop!"
"Matsuda..." Ide is beginning, although at the same time he's thinking well, why not, at least it gets us out of the building, gets us a head start, and Aizawa is snapping "What the hell do you think you're playing at?" and then, in that split-second Sato is diving for the front door, frantically stabbing at the keys on his phone, clutching it to his body - and then there's the shot and he stumbles, a puff of blood bursting out of his shoulder. His wife screams, and Matsuda is staring straight ahead, horrified, still clutching the gun, and you idiot Ide is thinking, sharp painful thoughts as he tries to work out what the hell to do, whether Matsuda will follow if they run, you goddamn idiot, why the hell do you have to play the hero?
Already, it seems, there's a lot of blood, soaking the man's sleeve, pooling on the floor, and he's yelling into the phone, "Help me! Help me, they're here -"
And Matsuda, tears running down his face, has fired again, and shot the phone out of the guy's hand.
"Go!" Aizawa is yelling, and Ide grabs Matsuda by the arm - Matsuda is standing, staring, as if he were just going to watch his victim bleed to death in the entryway - and runs for the door. Aizawa's already there, wrenching it open. Ide hurries out into the cold air, but he looks back as he does so. The amount of blood seems to have tripled already. Mariko Sato is kneeling in the kitchen doorway, sobbing, and he yells at her, "Call an ambulance, they won't!" And then he's turned away and he's running through the darkness, Matsuda stumbling behind him.
They reach the car - Aizawa's already leaping into the driver's seat. Ide wrenches open the passenger door, shoves Matsuda through it and then clambers in himself. They tear through the silent streets, back onto the main road, then the motorway. In the light from other headlamps, Matsuda looks even more sickly pale. For a moment he just stares at Ide blankly as if he's forgotten who he is, then he starts shaking, and gulps out: "Sorry... I'm so sorry -"
Ide doesn't know what to say, but he's saved answering by Aizawa, who snaps out, "I think you hit an artery. If she doesn't get help quickly, he'll bleed to death. What the fuck did you think you were doing?"
"I don't... I don't know. I just wanted him to stop - I just -" He's clinging to Ide now, fingers digging into his arms; Ide doesn't know what to do except let him, it is stupid, it is horrible, but what's the point of joining in with the riot act?
"Stop?" Aizawa snarls."Well, yes, you got that all right! It was Kira he was most scared of, not us! We could have talked him round!"
"I - I'll -" Matsuda's wrenched himself away from Ide suddenly - "I'll go back. Stop, let me go back, I'll explain, I'll help -"
Ide dives on him before he can actually open the door, yanks him away from it. "Stop it -"
"I have to go back!"
Ide does shake him this time and Matsuda goes quiet, shuddering. In the darkness they hear Aizawa draw a furious breath.
"If you go back," Ide says, trying to sound calm and like he knows what he's doing and that things haven't all gone to hell, "Takada's lot will catch you, and find out where the notebook's hidden. Then that'll make the last few days completely pointless, not to mention get us all killed."
"If it weren't for that, I'd turn you in myself," Aizawa says through gritted teeth. "God damn it, she'd done nothing - she was just being a good hostess and now her husband's dying in her arms -"
"Stop it!" Ide hears his own voice shake a bit, but he pretends it's through frustration with the other two. "He gets it, all right?"
Aizawa mutters something, but it's quiet enough that it doesn't reach the back seat. Matsuda shudders, and slowly brings his hands up, presses them to his face. Ide reaches out, awkwardly pats him on the shoulder. (It's dark, Aizawa won't see, Aizawa shouldn't fucking care at this juncture). Matsuda doesn't move, just curls more in on himself. They drive on.
ooo
Mikami watched as first the motorways faded away and then the lights and then other vehicles. Now there's just darkness. He thought he'd feel better once they got away from the lights - too much of it makes his head ache, and makes him think of, of things, of people going out drinking and partying and hurting and of being out late on the streets, being lost -
But the darkness is thick and solid out here and it's easier to sin in darkness like this, isn't it? The kind of thing which happens under streetlights happens because you are with people who think it is acceptable. The kind of thing which happens in this darkness are sins which you know are sins, but you commit them in the dark in the hope that no one will ever have to find out.
Mikami thinks that he knows which kind of sin he's committing.
Gevanni pulls off the road into deeper blackness - the headlights flare up with brambles for a few seconds before it all suddenly vanishes and the engine dies. It's very quiet out here. Mikami can't remember the last time any place has been so quiet. (Although he can't remember a lot, and so maybe other things have gone too, childhood memories, walks, silent afternoons -)
He takes a deep breath to remind himself that he can, and looks over at Gevanni. The man is leaning on the steering wheel, his head on his arms. Mikami wonders, as he has been on and off throughout the day, what he would do if Gevanni just died right in front of him, now, in this car. He would be grateful that another evil one had died, yes, because you want them all to disappear so that the world will be better, but he promised. He swore in God's name that he would not hurt Gevanni, that he would stay with him. Like he stayed with me, he finds himself thinking, and then - no, he kidnapped me, he lied, he has only made things worse, and why did I swear to him like that when I knew? Why did I help him? Why didn't I -
And then underneath that the voice of his god whispers you know why, Teru Mikami; because you wanted friendship - you threw away your worship of me for flawed human companionship - and it wasn't even real -
He shivers and waits until it passes and then: "Gevanni-san?" he says, softly. His companion shifts, raises his head a little: "Yeah?"
Gevanni is hurt and when someone is hurt you are supposed to provide help and solace, whether they're your friend or not. It's a ridiculous argument, but it helps bridge the gaps enough for him to say something. To say, "Perhaps you should lie down?" He doesn't know if that would be the best thing. But Gevanni looks very pale in the darkness, and when he moves they can both smell the blood, mingled with the stink of sweat and upholstery.
"No," he says. "I might need to... you know, drive on again in a hurry."
"I suppose."
"I should... I should call Lidner," Gevanni says, sounding dazed and numb now, as if he's just woken up. "I should..." He shivers, suddenly, as he fumbles for the phone. Mikami feels the reality of it all slipping away, like he's watching all this from behind glass. It's not a good feeling, it just is. And then all at once he's back in himself and he is tired and his throat aches and he wants to get out of here, he wants to be home. It's all right, he knows he can't be, and he breathes in and out and just lets the feeling sit on him until it's weakened a little. It is a test. To see how much he can bear. But why is it always him who has to be tested? Why do other people have it easy?
He thinks, stupidly, that if he said this out loud, Gevanni would actually have an answer for it. This is stupid. Gevanni only has answers because Mikami has lost so much memory. But he -
Anyway. Gevanni is speaking in English now, hesitant, tired. Then snaps the phone shut, shoves it back into his pocket. Mikami doesn't like to see him do it so casually, like he's already forgotten the phone isn't his.
"She's going to come and meet us."
"And then?"
"I dunno. Reckon she's found somewhere to lie low. We can..." He glances at Mikami, then away. "It'll give us time to catch up on sleep. Fix the hole in my leg. Stuff like... like that. And... and someone should take a look at your injury as well. I never even... even considered going to medical school, so I'm probably..." He grins, and then the grin vanishes like when you blink away tears, and he lets his head slump again. "Probably best to keep talking. If you don't mind."
"I... I don't." It is not the talking he objects to, but he doesn't know what to say. He thinks he knows what Gevanni will want to say. Why did you help me? Does that mean you've turned to my side? And Mikami hasn't, he can't, it's just that he wasn't able to think what else to do, and what is wrong with him that at the crucial moment, he lost the ability to choose?
"Tell me more about what happened before... before all this," he says, instead. "The parts I can't remember."
Gevanni sighs. "Told you the important bits."
"I know, but I've forgotten so much." He lets the regret show, just a bit. He's actually furious, very deep down, that Gevanni took away the memories of judging the evildoers. That would have to have been one of the most perfect moments of his life and now it's been taken away, for good if Gevanni is telling the truth. But, but he can't think about it because he can't afford to get angry, not when he doesn't know which side to be on. "Did I... did I meet Kira, for instance?"
"No. Just passed messages through Takada, as I understand it. First time you saw what he looked like was at that warehouse."
Mikami tries to think back. If he saw Kira, he must be able to remember. Surely? But all he can do is picture fragments, like pieces of a dream. The small white-haired boy lying in a pool of blood. His own hands covered in ink. A man in a blue suit sinking to his knees. And the man about his age, with the golden-brown hair. Calm. No. Not calm, screaming and clutching his bloodstained hand - the images are hanging in his mind like stills from a film, and even as he tries to focus on them more they seem to fade.
"But you think he was not my god," he says.
"He... he wasn't anyone's god."
Mikami thinks that that's a stupid remark when Gevanni must have seen the Sakura TV rallies, the devoted worshippers, the hope in everyone's eyes. "He was given the power to punish evil."
"He was given the power to murder anyone he chose, and that's what he did. That's what you both did." Gevanni sighs, rubs a hand across his face. "Look... the last thing I need right now is an ideological debate. I... when I'm stronger, I'll tell you more stuff. But... I can't do this, not right now."
Mikami wants to force the issue. Doesn't he deserve to know? Doesn't he need to know, especially when they took his memories away, lied and stole and left him knowing that whatever move he makes will be wrong? But he trusts that Gevanni will tell him more, eventually. For some reason.
And so he nods, and, remembering an earlier conversation, says, "I didn't know you have a sister."
Gevanni laughs - or perhaps it's not a laugh - and lets his head slump again. He speaks more or less into his arms: "Yeah. Well. I don't. Not... not now."
"I'm sorry." Of course, that explains his awkwardness when he mentioned her earlier. "May I ask -"
"I wouldn't." Gevanni shivers. "Not... not right now, not when things are like this." He's trembling. "S... sorry, I shoot down all your openers, don't I?"
"It's all right." Mikami can hear that he sounds too polite, as though he's taking this too seriously, and he doesn't want to, he wants to sound competent, normal. So he does his best to do what is required of him. Asks Gevanni about where he went to college. They talk about classes and surviving on coffee, and junk food (Gevanni) and one meal a day (Mikami) and parties, and avoiding parties, and the night seems to stretch out around them, as if it's an exceptionally well-ordered dream.
Suddenly there's the growl of a vehicle in the distance. Gevanni tenses, looks round. Back down the road, from where they've come - headlights crawling over the mud and thorns.
"Not too fast..." Gevanni whispers, and Mikami realises that indeed the vehicle isn't fast enough to be their pursuers. It's slower, rattling - and it skids to a halt next to him. A hill of darkness. A van. It parks next to them, and the passenger window is rolled down. The blonde woman who was one of Takada's bodyguards, who was at the warehouse, raises an eyebrow at them. Gevanni sits up a little. "Took... took you long enough."
She smiles, thinly. "I spent most of the journey convincing Mello not to speed."
So there are others present. Mikami feels his heart kick him in the chest. This is what he was frightened of. Maybe Gevanni can be seen as... not good, but someone who might one day might be good. But that's how it goes - you start off associating with people who don't seem so bad and you end up being on the side of the evil ones, of people who don't care what they do. Mikami has a horrible feeling, suddenly, that he has taken the wrong path. If he were truly good he would get out of here while he can, or, or he would fight, he would kill them, but he isn't, he can only sit still -
Hal Lidner has climbed out of the van, and Gevanni is opening the door. She's helping him out of the car now - English phrases jump out at Mikami: can you stand? I'm fine - And now the driver is climbing out, hooded, face of shadow. (Sometimes - not often - Mikami dreamt about people with no faces. He remembers that.) Wrenches open the car door. "Hey. You." Sneering voice, accented Japanese. "We're leaving." The glint of moonshine in one eye. Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I will fear no evil. Mikami makes himself look the enemy in the face. That helps grip the fear, just a bit.
The figure - Mello - grabs him, wrenches him forward. Lidner sighs. "Don't give him a hard time, all right? He's forgotten -"
"He says he's forgotten."
"He has, all right?" That's Gevanni, sounding tired and irritated. "The last thing he needs right now is your attitude."
"Let's just get away from here," Lidner says.She's opening the back of the van, helping Gevanni inside. "Mikami-san - can you join me, please? I could do with an extra pair of hands if Gevanni's really hurt, and I wouldn't trust Mello's doctoring skills."
Mello snorts. "Some people might be grateful for me driving hundreds of miles out in the middle of bloody nowhere to pick up their friends." The inside of the van smells of oil and leather and, faintly, of sawdust. Mikami kneels on its floor and tries not to think of how filthy it is. Gevanni scrambles in and sinks down as well, gritting his teeth.
"Hold off on playing doctors and nurses for a bit," Mello says, scrambling into the driver's seat. "I want to put some distance between us and the car."
"You're just going to leave it?" Lidner says.
Mello isn't looking at them - the van starts up, shuddering underneath them - but Mikami hears the grin in his voice as he says, "I'll go back and tidy up, don't worry."
"This is going to involve fire, isn't it," Gevanni mutters.
"I'm just saying if you've got someone else's phone on you, you may as well give me that, too. Two birds, one stone, you know?"
The van lurches, judders on every bump as they weave along the road. Eventually it stops, and Mello climbs out again, calling back, "Be good, kids," as he goes.
Mikami feels something cold and hard - a torch - pressed into his hands. Numbly, he switches it on. Lidner has already got a first aid kit open beside her, directs him to shine the light over Gevanni. The man is horribly pale in the torchlight, like that's the only thing giving him colour. "You don't look fine," Lidner is commenting. And a hand to his forehead - "You're burning up."
"It wasn't that... that bad. It just..." Gevanni swallows, blinks. "Mikami got me out of there." Their eyes meet for a second. Mikami wonders if Gevanni can guess that part of him is wishing he'd made the right choice back at the service station. Lidner just shrugs and says lightly, "Glad to hear it." She glances at Mikami for a second, then turns her attention to Gevanni's wound.
Mikami thinks that he falls asleep - or perhaps doesn't, because the two figures in front of him don't vanish, don't sink into darkness, but just hang there, edged in the gold of the torchlight, and it's his mind which seems to change, seems, for a few moments, to know everything, to know what's right. Then the van door slams, and all of that knowledge rushes away. He aches and his eyes hurt and the van smells of antiseptic. Hospitals.
There's creaking and rustling as Mello clambers back into the driving seat. He smells of smoke. Lidner doesn't look round from Gevanni, but she says, dryly, "What did you do?"
"Just a little disfigurement. Don't worry, it's all legal. Well... it isn't, but that's the least of our problems." Scrabbling; suddenly he's leaning over the seats, blocking out the night sky. Mikami sees his face properly now and his heart lurches at the sight of it. It's like a face drawn in chalk that someone's run their hand across, tried to rub out.
"How are our guests?" it says, and Mikami can hardly believe words are coming from it. He looks away, down at the floor. This man faced the judgement of God and survived. Even if you survive, how much must it hurt? And it shows and everyone can see what happened to you. Everyone will look.
"Fine," Gevanni says again, but he mumbles it now, as if he's tired. Lidner shakes her head. "I don't like you having a fever."
"It... it was a graze, it barely touched me," Gevanni says, trying to sit up a little. "Probably just from... you know, too little food and lack of sleep. Besides, what would you do... call a doctor?"
"My point proven." Mello smirks; seeing him do that is even more of a jolt, that his face is capable of normal expression at all. "And I'd quite like to get out of the middle of nowhere and back to somewhere where there aren't fields."
"All right," Lidner says. "Here." She pulls her own jacket off. "At least keep warm, Gevanni."
"There, what more do you want?" Mello leans over to prod Lidner on the arm. "Keep an eye on the loony as well, okay?" He says something in English now that Mikami doesn't catch. Lidner rolls her eyes, takes the torch back. Mello slides back down into the driver's seat, starts the engine again, and the torchlight flicks off and they're all in the dark.
After a while Mello turns the radio on; skips between stations, music, words. Mikami's always hated people who do that. Not that he listens to the radio much anyway. He only puts it on to listen to the news, or to a particular programme, if it's something he is actually interested in. He doesn't just have it on all the time like it replaces thoughts. With Gevanni-san it was different, they needed it, it was for information, but Mello is just, Mello is just - He is angry suddenly, anger welling up in his throat, pressing against the laceration, and it sticks in his gullet as if the nib of the pen were still there with strands of flesh trailing from it. He imagines the idea, of doing it, of how hard you would have to stab. He hadn't stabbed hard enough, so does that mean he didn't really want to die? He remembers holding the pen, palm damp against it, and he'd been wondering if the dampness was sweat or ink or blood. Why had he thought it would be blood? He doesn't remember the actual deed, though. Gevanni-san explained. But he could be lying he could be lying and Mikami is just letting him lie and being led into sin and why is he even hesitating about death?
"... murdered in cold blood -" Takada says, sorrowfully.
He jumps, but it really is her. It's the news. She's talking about the other people they're looking for.
They all listen and eventually Mello mutters, "You said it's that lot who actually know where the notebook is?"
"That's right," Lidner says.
"Oh, brilliant. Congratulations to the FBI on its fucking excellent planning skills."
Lidner shrugs. "I'm sure none of us have attained the level of intellect you'd hope for, Mello, but we're all you have at the moment."
"Yes, but why did you give them the responsibility of hiding the damn thing? They're idiots, they worked with Kira for five years and didn't even notice!"
"We should find them," Gevanni cuts in. "They'll... it sounds like she's released pictures of them as well. If we don't find them, Kira will -"
"And this will all have been for nothing, blah, blah, be heroic. Lidner did the whole spiel before when she was convincing me to come and find you. Wonderful." Mello stretches, actually taking both hands off the wheel for a moment. Mikami pictures the van crashing, chopping them all up into red wet nothing. It's a sharp, jagged thought, but it's not entirely horrible. "Okay. Let's get going. This is going to be a long night."
