Sasuke's Story

(part II)

ON THE LAST EPISODE OF PEDOPHILES!

Sasuke: I won't do it, Orochimaru! I refuse to!

Orochimaru: Yes you will! You will because I'll make you!

Sasuke: Never!

Orochimaru: Yes, damnit! You will eat that tapioca pudding or so help me—!

NOW BACK TO OUR REGULAR BROADCASTING!

WTF?!

~.~.~

Sasuke stretched out in his chair, trying to get comfortable. My god,, and they wonder why people hate hospitals. These chairs are like sitting on rocks!

Everyone was waiting for him to continue.

"So, where was I?" he said, trying to think. "Oh yeah, Orochimaru had made a move on me. Not like he hadn't been doing weird things since I got there, but this one kinda took the cake."

The Flashback Fog started to cloud the room once more…

"Wait!" Naruto shouted out.

The Fog receded.

"So, like, of all the people here in Konoha, in all of this weird world that's only referred to vaguely as nations or lands, why the hell did he choose you? I'm much stronger, anyone could see that!"

Sakura's fist twitched, but she managed to hold back the punch that was threatening to collide with his head.

Kakashi on the other hand, didn't utilize his own control and immediately knocked a good landing on his noggin.

"What did we say about talking during Flashbacks, hm? Keep quiet!" He turned to Sasuke with that cartoonish smile again and said, "Please, continue Sasuke." Under his breath he added. "And for the love of the Hokage, hurry the hell up! I'm missing the premiere of the Icha Icha Paradise movie on TV!"

Sasuke took a deep breath, and as he started to talk again, the Flashback Fog surrounded them once more…

Do I really need to announce that this is a flashback? Okay, yes, it is! Again. Am I getting paid for these?

As Sasuke chopped the pile of wood beside him, completely shirtless, he was a bit surprised to find a shadow covering him as he brought the ax down again. Whipping around, he saw Orochimaru standing there with a smirk on his face. Staring at Sasuke…

"My, you're all…sweaty, Sasuke," he breathed in a weird tone.

"Uh, yeah. That generally happens when you're doing hard labor in ninety degree weather," the boy replied sarcastically.

"Mmm" The other man said.

"Was there something you wanted? Or were you going to just stare at me some more?"

Orochimaru gave a chuckle, creeping Sasuke out completely. "As pleasing as that sounds, I actually just wanted to give you this…" He walked toward him, one hand behind his back.

Sasuke didn't even think. Immediately, his body forced his chakra into his hand, effectively making his Chidori and sent the energy sphere at his still kimono-clad "teacher." The force knocked the other man back, the robes flying open…

Sasuke didn't want to look, but his eyes wouldn't go elsewhere. Were those…Calvin Klein silk underwear?! Was he trying to plan a romantic evening with someone…with…him?!

The only object he had held in his hands was a cup, the contents of which were now dripping off the snake-man.

Orochimaru tried to struggle to his feet, all to fall down to his knees. "You…you bastard! I just thought you might want some lemonade! You were working out here and getting all…sweaty—" Despite his weakened state, he still managed to sound…that way when saying that word. "I just…wanted you…to taste…my…lemonade." His eyes rolled closed and he fell on his side…dead.

Sasuke was a bit shocked at himself for actually having killed someone. It's one thing to practice having to do it in training, but to really, really do it was something all on its own.

But he didn't have time to revel in this horror. An overly-large beetle of some sort must've smelled the sugary beverage on Orochimaru. It sniffed his body a few times before grabbing him in its pinchers and dragging him down into a deep hole in the ground.

Sasuke made a shocked expression as he stared at the mini-crater. "O-kay then…" he said slowly. As he turned to go back inside, the man he had ran across a few years earlier suddenly appeared, a new Pokedex in his hands.

"I've found it! The rare Pinsir! And…what is this?"

He once again pointed the device at Sasuke. "Sasuke, the cool, calm, and collected Pokémon. Sasuke's are very intelligent and often are found with immense powers and—" the PokeDex started to splutter, then laughed outright. "No, I'm just kidding! You're still an emo! Oh man, you should've seen his face! Priceless!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes in agitation and stormed off. "That thing is so fuckin' broken."

Back in the house, he ran into Kabuto. "So, you're done providing fantasies for Orochimaru-sama?" the man sneered.

"The pervert is dead. I killed him," Sasuke said shortly, heading to his room.

Kabuto took only a moment to register if this was the truth before shouting out, "HEY EVERYONE! THE OLD SHE-MALE IS DEAD!"

All along the hallways, different doors opened up. For a split second, Orochimaru's botched experiments stared at each other to confirm this news. Then, a tidal wave of bodies rushed for the front door. There was a bit of a hold up as the first six people squeezed through at the same time, but then like a river, the rest quickly followed suite. In less than ten seconds, the base was nearly empty.

Kabuto turned to Sasuke, them being the only ones left. "So, where you going from here?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Always wanted to be an actor. Think I'll go try my hand at that."

Kabuto gave him a long stare. "Uh-huh," he finally said. "Well, good luck with that. I have a cousin out west that I'm going to go stay with for a while. After that, I think I'm just going to retreat from civilization for a bit. Live it up in the mountains or something. Never have to worry about bills, technology that is only sparsely mentioned in this show, or man-whores. It's a perfect existence."

Now it was Sasuke's turn to stare. "Um…right. Well, see you around…or not."

Kabuto gave him one quick wave and was gone. Quickly, Sasuke ran up to the room he had been using and grabbed the backpack under his bed that was already filled with all his belongings. He didn't bother to shut the front door behind him as we walked out. Dramatically, he pulled a lighter out of his pocket and flicked it to life. Then, without looking back, he threw it over his shoulder. A second later, he could hear something metal hit the ground.

He finally stopped to look behind him. There the lighter lay, twenty feet from the front doorstep of the house. "You know, they always make it look so easy in the movies," he muttered. This time he took the lighter back to the house and held the flame up to it. Still nothing much happened.

Breaking one of the outside oil lamps, he poured the gas over the front door and lit the lighter. Still nothing. "Oh, this is some bullshit!" He yelled to no one. "Fine, screw a lighter!" Doing a few hand signs, he took in a deep breath and blew it out, mentally shouting "Fire style! Fireball jutsu!"

This time, the entire structure went up in flames. Now Sasuke could walk away dramatically. Sasuke put his hand in his pockets, head bowed and shadowed as the light from the fire burned brightly over his shoulder.

And so he was off to find new adventures. What things would Sasuke come across next? Find out on the next episode of Pokémon!

"Who's that Pokemon?" A group of people from nowhere shouted. A silhouette appeared in front of Sasuke in the form of someone very familiar…tall, pointy short hair…they were wearing something like a jumpsuit…

"It's Akamaru!" the invisible crowd shouted out.

"How the hell do you get Akamaru from Naruto?!" Sasuke screamed. "And neither are a Pokemon at that!" But the insert was finished and his invisible audience remained quiet.

So, moving along the trip, Sasuke finally made it to a town that was famous for producing movies. He wasn't sure what kind of role he wanted to portray but was willing to give anything a shot. Which is why he eagerly responded to several very bright and colorful flyers that were all over the town. All he had to do was portray a calm, strong young man who was a fierce fighter for those he loved and wouldn't mind some CGI graphics and flying around with special equipment. How hard could that be?

Turns out, it was harder than he thought.

"Sorry kid, but you're not what we're looking for," the casting crew told him on that foggy morning after his audition went very sour. Sasuke had used his hatred for his brother as his fuel for the role. However, there was a difference between being a fierce fighter and being totally bloodthirsty for a kill…which was ironic because…

"Fine! I didn't want to be stupid Edward Cullen anyways! Twilight is gonna suck without Sasuke Uchiha in it!" He shouted back, storming out of the building. As he left out, he passed a boy with bronze hair. The other boy only looked at him quizzically, then shook his head and went in. Before he could fully leave the studio parking lot, Sasuke heard many screams and shouts of joy for the new audition. He gritted his teeth and silently cursed the boy to hell that the movie as a whole would turn out an epic failure. And whaddaya know…it did. Unless you were a rabid teen fangirl just looking for cinematic eye-candy.

End flashback…finally!

"So, with my acting career down the drain, and nowhere else to crash, I decided to come back here," Sasuke told the now half-asleep crowd.

"Say wha—? Oh, yeah…yeah…" Kakashi mumbled as he yawned, trying to wake back up. The only person that showed no signs of fatigue were Lee. And really, that's no surprise.

"The power of youth kept me awake throughout your entire, boring story, Sasuke! Your ability to put others to sleep stands no match against my will!"

Can I slap him? Please? Sasuke begged to himself.

"Now I must go home and face my mother who is the strongest opponent yet I have faced that knows the monologue jutsu!" Lee continued.

Please?! Sasuke pleaded again.

"Gai-sensei will be thrilled to hear that I have yet overcome another obstacle! As he always says, "I want to be stronger than I was yesterday! Than I was an hour ago! Than I was a minute ago! Than I was a sec—"

You know what? Fuck it. Sasuke reached across to the other bed and pinched a spot between Lee's collar bone and shoulder. Immediately he stilled, then slumped over unconscious. It was a silencing technique that he had learned from Orochimaru.

The others were coming-to finally, loud yawns filling the room. "Well, that was a lovely story, Sasuke," Kakashi said half-heartedly. "But I have some Icha Icha to catch. We'll continue this heart-to-heart later. Come along Sakura, lest you make an even bigger drool pool at your feet than you already have," and thus he grabbed the girls' collar and dragged her out of the room with her.

"I love you Sasuke!" she shouted out frantically.

Sasuke turned to her and mouthed "Elephant juice" which Sakura mistook for "I love you." The last thing the boy saw before she was whipped around the corner was a pair of large, chibi green eyes. Oh no…maybe he shouldn't have toyed with her emotions like that.

A few creaking pieces of furniture announced that the others (minus Lee of course) had stood up. "Yeah, we need to be on our way as well," Kankuro said, and Temari nodded beside him. Gaara stood on wobbly legs, but otherwise was fine.

Naruto was giving his old childhood friend and rival a large smile. Ignoring everyone else in the room, he threw an arm around him and brought him into a tight hug. "Welcome back, Sasuke," he whispered.

"Awwwww!" Everyone shouted, even the nurses who had come to check out the new jail bait.

Yaoi, yaoi, yaoi! Temari mentally chanted.

Sasuke gave Naruto a half-hearted pat on the back, then gently pushed him away. "Oh, now that I'm dirt poor, I'm gonna be crashing at your place," he said. Not a question, a demand.

"What?!" the blonde suddenly yelled in outrage, their sweet little moment now totally in the past. "And what if I don't want you living with me? You probably will be a horrible roommate! Believe it!"

"Pfft, please! I can manage to keep an entire house clean, while you catch hell with just your bedroom!" Both boys began walking out the door, taking their vocal rumble with them.

Temari, Kankuro and Gaara followed suit. Well, wasn't that a pleasant diversion, the redhead thought to himself. The meeting he was to attend would start later that afternoon. Ugh, would he really have to wear that sweltering gown of a Kazekage outfit?

He flicked his eyes over to his siblings, then did a double take at Temari. "Um…Temari? You seem to have a bit of something on your chin…yeah, that wet stuff…"

"Huh?" She asked, puzzled. Her mind and eyes had been focused on the two teenagers in front of her, still squabbling.

Kankuro and Gaara exchanged glances that read, "But of course she'd be focused on them." So far, Gaara was caring less and less for this trip to Konoha.