Tara laid across Jax feeling, for the first time in weeks, a calmness settle over her. They laid together for what felt like hours in their bed, after moving from room to room before finally deciding to finish off in their own bed. They laid in each others arms in silent peace, Jax caressing Tara up and down her back. Neither of them wanted to be the first to move but Jax had business to handle with the club today, finish the plan to finally get out of guns.
"Babe, I have to handle some shit today. To work on sealing the deal to get your charges dropped and finish up with the Irish."
Tara looked up at him with disappointment in her eyes, as Jax was getting up and going to the dresser to pull on some clean boxers and shirt. He looked at her and it stung his heart to have to leave her. She got up as well, walking to their bathroom, to go put on her rob. She sat back down on the edge of the bed watching as he finished getting dressed.
"Are you coming home tonight?" She asked feeling insecure. She still felt the guilt of her actions and unworthy of his love and understanding, for him to so quickly look past what she did.
He looked at her questioningly. "Do you want me to come home?" He replied with a little edge in his voice.
She stayed quiet for a moment to think thoroughly. Jax misinterpreted her silence and became frustrated and impatient.
A moment later Jax's patience wore off. "Jesus Christ Tara! What do you want from me? Im trying here. You're fucking with my head." His own insecurities coming right back out through his frustration. Could she be still planning to ditch him and ship their boys off, away from him? He was still spinning from the realization of how she manipulated him and now he didnt know whether to believe the sincerity of last night and this morning. His heart told him of course everything was real but his mind was still weary.
Tara was startled by his outburst but quickly realized he was probably still vulnerable and she felt another wave of guilt. She stood and walked over to where he was standing. She put her hand up to his face and he involuntarily leaned in to her touch, immediately relaxing his tense stance. She looked at him with a gentle look in her eyes.
"Yes, I want you to come home Jax." She said softly and reached up to kiss him gently. He felt like an idiot from his reaction.
"Im sorry." He said with a look of embarrassment.
"Dont." She said "Im sorry Jax. This is happening very fast, and its taking my mind a little bit longer to process all this. I never expected you to come home to me after I knew you found out what I did to you. Im not sure I deserve this from you, I feel like im not worthy of the unconditional love you have... that you're willing to work past what I've done to you." She was getting emotional again. The weeks of bottling up all her feelings had built up inside of her and Jax had come and opened the floodgates, it seemed as though she was crying every other minute.
Jax didn't feel sorry for her he actually was some what relieved she felt this way. The pain from her deceit was still there, even though he was choking it down. But even though he was relieved to see her guilt and hurt from what she did, he never could stand to see her cry. It did something to him.
"Tara..." but she cut him off with her hand signaling him not to say anything. She had more she needed to say.
"I just need you to know how sorry I am for hurting you the way I did. There wasn't a second that passed by where i didn't hate myself or question if what I was doing truly was in the boys best interest. I felt like I was slowly killing myself with every step I took to further my plans but I believed it was a necessary sacrifice I needed to make to get Abel & Thomas out of this life, since I' d be going to jail. I cant tell you that I wouldn't have done it again if I could go back because I'm not sure that I wouldn't. There's nothing I wouldn't do to protect them, and I dont know if you would have listened to me. You have been so different since Opie died, Jax. It's like all you could see is making up for his death...giving your all to the club. You didn't see me anymore, you had become a monster. I felt so alone. Patterson tried to get me to rat on you and the club, but I couldn't, i wouldn't. I didn't know what else I could do. I'm so sorry jax, im so sorry." Tara was sobbing now. All the weight she was carrying being released with her confession and tears that she had been holding for so long.
Jax pulled her in his arms and tried to soothe her, holding her tight, resting his head on top of hers. He let her sob into his chest while he reflected on her words. He already knew everything she had just told him. He could feel it and see it when he had come to face her last night. Her desperation had pulled him from his tunnel of rage that he had been thrown in when he watched his best friend die. It's been the main thing fueling him since he started to push things forward with the club. He had to make Opie's sacrifice be for more than payment to satisfy Pope's vengeance. But being faced with his wife's plans to divorce him and rip his family from him threw him off course completely.
His thoughts turned to Ope, what would he have done if he were in Jax shoes? Jax didnt know because Donna was stolen from Ope, because of the club. A light bulb went off in Jax's head. He was thinking about Ope since Donna was stolen from him. A major part of Opie died with Donna. He seemed to be just going through the motions of life waiting to join her again. Not even Lyla was able to pull him from the darkness & with the loss of Piney, Ope was completely lost. Jax wondered if Opie's sacrifice was more to fulfill the need to be put out of his own misery while at the same time being able to go down with honor from his brothers and club. Was he headed toward the same fate without realizing it? He squeezed his eyes shut trying to rid the dark thoughts from his mind. He squeezed Tara tighter this time for his own comfort more then hers.
Tara calmed down and looked at Jax. He was grateful for the distraction from his own thoughts. He gave her a look to let her know he understood her and she replied with her own that told him she knew he did.
"We're going to figure this out, babe." Tara nodded in response.
"I love you." Jax said firmly.
"I love you." Tara said just as serious.
He broke away to grab his gun and black sweater.
Tara worried what this plan consisted of as she watched him, but she had enough of an emotional ride; so she thought it best to let Jax handle it and ask questions later. She didnt know why but she trusted him. When he told her he was done after these few loose ends she believed him. However, she believed him the last time he said that as well. There were always things or circumstances that could change things. She pushed those thoughts out her mind and choose to stick with faith. Faith in her husband, who still had faith in her even though she didnt deserve it.
