I've got the direction going. Took much more effort than I was expecting, but then, I knew this one would be a challenge. I hope you enjoy the results. Just a few chapters left.

Music: Aerials, System of a Down

When you lose small mind
You free your life
Life is a waterfall
We drink from the river
Then we turn around and put up our walls

Bioware owns these characters


Normandy, Crew Deck

Garrus was sitting at the long table in the mess hall, his arm around Tali. Their reunion had been a very happy one, as expected. She had taken the pair with her to the Geth Dreadnaught to shut down the core. Legion was on board, and Shepard almost had that feeling of family again, though it gave her pangs for the ones she lost.

"So how does the Admiralty feel about your relationship with Garrus now? I know they tend to be pretty closed-minded about aliens." She asked Tali.

Tali shook her head. "The crew of the Normandy is officially an exception. And since shipmates can choose who they will among the crew, there's nothing they can say. Oh," she tilted her head, her bright eyes peering through the mist in her faceplate, "I do get odd looks sometimes, but that always was the case. It doesn't bother me." Garrus gave her a squeeze.

"It sure is good to have you here, and to see Garrus so happy. There's so much fighting going on, it's a relief to see someone happy." Shepard said, settling back in the chair. It seemed like the right thing to say, but she felt a bit of bitterness when she looked at them.

"What about you?" Garrus commented. "No one is stopping you from having a partner. You've got offers everywhere you go."

She shook her head. "Relationships don't stay together for me. I'm like poison for them. Finding a partner is a pointless waste of time. Someone will just end up getting hurt. Plus, I have so many other things to focus on, it just isn't-"

"It's a shame about what happened with Ashley, Shep. But that doesn't mean that no one else will work."

Shepard looked at Tali. "That's exactly what it means. Because it isn't just about her. It's about everything I've seen since forever. Other people get happy, and I bleed for them. That's the way it will always be."

"I don't see how you can be so committed to saving the galaxy if you have no connection to it. It's pretty plain that you and Vega-"

"Don't even say it. I'm sick and tired of it. There's nothing between us and there never will be. All I really want is to give payback for the Reapers, the Collectors, Cerberus, everything. It burns in me all the time… I have to put it out by killing them all." She spoke with dark determination, clenching her jaw.

"I think that's bullshit, Shepard." Garrus said.

"What do you know about it?" She snapped back at him, standing up, agitatedly pacing behind her chair.

"If that were true, then why did you fight before they came along? Why did you survive Akuze? Why did you go through the N7 training at all? Exactly what is it that you're trying to prove?"

She didn't answer. She just gripped the back of the chair she had been sitting in, still shaking her head.

"Look, just think about it. There are bigger battles coming. You keep going like this and you're really going to burn yourself out or get yourself killed, and no one is going to bring you back this time." Garrus stood up, offering his hand to Tali. "The people who care about you don't want to see you get hurt." They walked toward the Main Battery together, where Garrus had been bunking.

She stood there, the anger swelling up in her. What did he know? He had his girlfriend and didn't have the responsibility of the world on his shoulders. The people who cared about her. What a joke. She gave and gave, but no one gave a shit about her, not really. She was the tool, the lever that moved worlds, and is then discarded. Hated. Imprisoned.

She'd done everything she could to push people away, but it had been for their own good. She was going to die some gruesome death someday, probably very soon, and take all of her enemies with her. These were her final days, and she had a lot of work to do.

"Did you mean that?" Vega said from the corner facing the hallway.

She whipped around and took a few steps toward him, pissed. "You were listening to our conversation?"

"It's a common area of the ship, and you were practically shouting. Do I have to ask again?"

"No, because you know the answer."

He moved closer to her. "We're gonna have this out now, Lola. You're gonna tell me why."

"This is not a conversation I'm having with you in the goddamn Mess Hall!"

"Okay." He grabbed her wrist and walked away, taking her with him.

"Let go right now, Vega. I'm serious." She said as he dragged her down the hall.

"Yeah, yeah. You're all talk." He opened the door to Life Support and towed her in, shutting the door behind them.

"I already told you, there's nothing to say!" She shoved at him when he walked toward her.

"You really wanna fight me, Lola? We've been over this before." He kept walking toward her, his arms out. She shoved at him again.

"Yes, and I kicked your ass then!" She backed up a step and then slid to the floor, looping her leg around his and jerking back. He went down hard, almost landing on her, but she rolled away.

She bounced up and started to walk out, but he grabbed her ankle and yanked, bringing her back down and knocking the breath out of her. Before she had taken a full breath, he was on top of her, pinning her arms above her head and her legs to the floor.

"Holy fuck, you're heavy." She gasped.

"You can take it." He looked right down at her.

She cussed at him, gasping. He shook his head and lifted on his elbows enough to allow her to breathe freely. She took several relieved breaths before starting to struggle again. He lowered back down and she cried out, "Alright, alright!" He raised up again. She was straight cussing in her head. How had she allowed this to happen? She could have stopped him in the Mess Hall, in the hallway...

"Answer me. Why do you treat me differently than everyone else?"

Christ, he just had to start with that one. "Because you are different than everyone else." She growled, looking off to the side. He let go of one of her arms to grab her face and turn it back to him. Her arm stayed where it was.

"How?" He stared into her eyes, green flecked with the flashing lights on the panel behind him, still looking away. She didn't answer. He lowered his head to hers and began to kiss her, just as he had the other day. Her body stiffened in resistance, her free hand slamming into his shoulder. But she really did want this, had always wanted this, had known it in a very conscious way. She had never denied it, even to him. He was right there, giving her exactly what she had wanted. This time, it took far less effort for her to respond.

Once she did, he once again pulled away. He asked again, "How?"

"You're like me." She said breathlessly, finally meeting his eyes. "You're just like me, five years ago. I don't want you to turn out like me: bitter, angry, lonely. And I don't want to leave anything behind when I die." She stared at him. "Which will be soon. There's no way I can win this and live." She wasn't sure why, but she had more certainty of this than of anything else. It seemed a concrete thing, intrinsically linked with the anger that buzzed in her head.

"Fuck that shit, Lola." He said. "You might be willing to let this go, but I'm not. I risk my life every day just like you, but I don't want to live with regrets. EDI, lock the door."

His hands moved down the front of her shirt, unfastening it as he went. Heat flashed through her when his hands touched her bare skin and her hands moved to his shoulders. Her breathing sped up as he kissed her collarbone, his mohawk scratching at her chin. The smell of him was like a drug; her hands laced through his hair and pulled him closer, then yanked his face up for a kiss, her other arm tight around his neck.

His hand skimmed her body to her hip and down to her knee, lifting it over his back. She put the other one around him and he lifted her up as he rested on his heels. His big arms held her tightly as she kissed him, her hair flowing around his face. She pulled her head back to look at him, his face dimly lit in the light from the porthole.

She remembered her thoughts back on Earth... hiding in corners, making out, all-night conversations... it sounded like heaven. She had pushed these feelings away for so long, not wanting to spoil his perfection with her darkness. And he still wanted her, unbelievably, more than six months later, still chased her. He was absolutely single-minded in his conquests. It gave her a thrill to know that this was one fight she could not win, because she already wanted to lose.

A sudden movement on the far side of the room, near the door, caught her attention. "What was that?"

"What?" he craned his head around. There was nothing.

EDI's voice came over the Comm. "I'm sorry for interrupting, Commander, but the situation on Rannoch has escalated. Your presence is required in the CIC."

She turned back to him regretfully, a look which he matched. She stood up and fastened her top, looking out the porthole. She could just see Rannoch peeking into view. "Guess it isn't in the stars for us today. Get ready for a tough mission, Vega." She walked away without looking back.

As she walked away, she felt a tickle at her nose. It was bleeding just a little bit. She figured she must have hit the ground harder than she thought, putting it immediately out of her mind as she left the room.


Rannoch

There were no degrees. Ever since they had landed, the rage had been building again. She must be more invested in saving Tali's planet than she had originally thought, more than simple duty. Shepard pulled some pretty bold moves fighting into the facility, and a part of her was surprised she didn't get hurt. But she either lived, or she died.

She was knocked down several stories when a quake began, shaking the entire facility. Shepard couldn't contain the thrill that ran through her as she watched a reaper rise out of the ground. "Oh, hell yes!" she shouted, running for the shuttle as she pointed at it. "That fucker is going down!" The anger was dominant now. She wanted to watch it burn and dance in the ashes.

Tali and James were already on the shuttle, reaching to swing her aboard. Even as they pulled away, Cortez putting the shuttle in the red as the reaper pursued, she was looking for the orbital targeter.

"There it is!" she shouted over the noise of the open door, pulling out the heavy device. "Radio the ships and have them fire on my mark! James, keep me steady!"

He wrapped an arm around her waist and gripped the inside beam of the shuttle as she leaned out the open doorway, controlling the powerful blasts that halted the progress of the enormous machine as it chased them. It finally faltered enough to break off pursuit, the shuttle erupting in cheers.

But as they flew away, she could see it rising again, and she knew it wasn't enough. "Cortez! Stop here! I'm getting off!"

"What?" Tali shouted in surprise, reaching out for her. "Don't do this, Shepard!"

"If she says she can do it, she can do it." James said. "Rip it a new one, Commander!" She looked at him quickly once, but decided to ignore the comment. For some reason, his support was irritating to her at this moment. Maybe she should have brought Garrus instead.

She jumped out and ran down the side of the hill, which abruptly dropped to the plain where the reaper was floundering. Its cannon was still open, a shutter listing to the side. Her anger filled her, contorting her face into a sneer. She targeted it as it began to rise, and it went down again, fire and sparks raining out from its iris. The sight was incredibly satisfying, but it only increased the fire that was burning in her.

It began to move toward her, trying to hit her with its cannon, but it took too long to load. She easily evaded it, hitting it several more times before it finally went down. It was almost too easy. Disappointing, in that sense. But she'd killed it. Her anger was somewhat sated, and continued to ebb as she watched it sink down with small explosions between the armor plates.

It was difficult for her to sit through the negotiations as her anger ebbed, but the job had to be finished. Legion's sacrifice was apropo; she didn't feel a twinge of sadness as his shell collapsed in front of her. She knew how it worked for these machines. Legion would now be in every "flashlight head" she saw. That happy thought washed away the last of the rage, leaving her feeling drained.

Tali's face mask was almost totally opaque with the humidity from her tears. She thanked her friend with a hug, but Shepard just patted her and said goodbye, running back up the hill to the shuttle.

She felt unequal to the thanks. She hadn't thought about Tali once when she was doing it. It had been all about revenge. That thought felt wrong somehow, but she pushed that away too. All the conflicting emotions were starting to piss her off even more. Why did it have to be so complicated? She had an enemy, she killed it. That should be enough.

James watched her as they flew back to the Normandy. Shepard sat on the bench across from the door, more exhausted than was normal after a firefight.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"I don't know."

"You fucked that reaper up. I could have probably done better, but..." She didn't laugh, so he went on. "You should be proud."

She looked up at him. "I am, I just... feel wrong somehow. I-" She sniffed, then wiped her nose. It was bleeding again. "Shit. Not again." She tilted her head back, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"You just need some R&R, Commander. You should hang out with me tonight."

She shook her head. "I'm too tired to spar, James." Her voice was muffled by her hand.

He cocked an eyebrow at her. "That's not what I was talking about, Lola."

She took a deep breath and huffed it out. She shrugged and looked away. James leaned against the shaft next to the bench. "Oh, well. If that's the way you feel about it I guess there isn't much I can do. I've tried long enough, and Allers has been asking me to come to-"

Shepard's eyes grew wide. She jumped up and grabbed the neck of his armor suit, blood dripping down to her chin. "I'll kill her. You hear me, Vega? I will kill the little bitch and enjoy hearing her scream. You win. Now back off. You're the pushiest bastard I've ever met."

A slow smile had spread across his face. "I'll be in your quarters at 2100 hours." The docking clamps made the shuttle vibrate and the door opened. "Oh, and Lola... wear something sexy for me." He grabbed his shotgun and jumped out, howling with joy.

She couldn't not smile as she walked to the lift, trying to keep the pressure on her nose. Despite the lingering remorse for her motivations today, plus the dawning realization about the source of her uncontrollable anger, there was something special about putting that smile on his face. She already felt better.


Port Observation Lounge

James stopped on the Crew Deck to pick up some libations for his evening with Shepard. He'd worked out, showered and shaved, then changed into clean uniform pants and a t-shirt.

Joker, Garrus and some of the other crew members were playing cards when he arrived. When he started rummaging around in the bar, Joker called out, "Bring in a bottle of whiskey! We're almost out."

"Sure thing." As he reached for the whiskey, James noticed something sitting on the counter. With a grin, he pocketed it. Then he grabbed the bottle and walked over to set it on the table.

"Wait, you're not gonna play?" Joker asked in surprise as he began to walk away.

"Nope. You guys have fun rubbing up on each other. I've got a date with the girl of my dreams." With that, James walked out of the room.

The people around the table looked at each other. Garrus cleared his throat. "You don't think..."

Joker laughed. "I hope so. She needs to get laid."

When the others joined in the laughter, Traynor said seriously, "That's not fair. She's got more on her shoulders than any of us truly understands. She goes on every mission, works late every night, never takes shore leave..."

Joker nodded. "That's exactly what I mean. Before they locked her up, she at least took time to enjoy herself."

"She felt betrayed when they did that. And it wasn't the first time." Garrus added. There were murmurs of assent around the table.

"Yeah, it was pretty fucked up. I know they had their reasons, but still." Joker said. He dealt a fresh hand and the conversation lulled for a moment as they remembered that period of time. They had all rooted for her behind the scenes.

"I have to ask," Garrus said as he examined his cards. Eyes turned to him. "Why didn't any of you visit her? I wrote to her and I know one or two others did too. I couldn't imagine how she must have been suffering, confined like that. She's always lived for action. But the loneliness must have been just as terrible."

"I didn't know her then." Traynor said.

"I wasn't on Earth myself." Donnelly said. "She had to get special permission for me on the Citadel after she was out."

"I couldn't leave the Normandy during the refit. It was hard work to keep the technicians from removing EDI. I didn't trust them not to do it when my back was turned." Joker added.

"Thank you, Joker." EDI's voice came over the comm.

"No, no. Thank you... for hacking that sexy robot body." He grinned.

Garrus was nodding. "I feel better then. I wondered about that. But at least she had Vega for company. Though it would appear she didn't take advantage of the situation at the time."

Joker lifted his glass. "Here's to the Commander, and making up for lost time!"

Her crew toasted her and went on with their game.


James announced himself at Deck 1. "It's Vega. Ah, James." He corrected. This wasn't a last-name occasion.

The door opened and he walked in. Walking down the steps past her office, he saw her rising from the couch. She was wearing a pair of workout pants and a racerback shirt, her feet bare and hair loose.

He nodded. "Not really what I had in mind, but it'll do. At least you look comfortable."

"Comfort is not having bullets flying at me. This is simply all I have. I figured a cocktail dress would be a little overkill."

James' eyebrows raised impossibly high. "Uh, no it wouldn't. I'll wait here if you want to change."

"Maybe another time." She said, rolling her eyes. She tilted her head to the side and gestured to the couch. "You want to sit down?"

"Sure." He walked around the table. As he sat in the corner of the couch, he remembered the bottle in his hand. "I brought this from the Port Lounge."

"Tequila. Nice touch." She smiled at him sideways as she opened the bottle.

He watched her get two shot glasses and pour them. "If I'd known that jealousy was the key, I'd have started having girls pick me up from your place back on Earth."

"Probably would have worked. Well, if it's not challenging, it isn't worth having." She handed him a glass.

"No lime? Salt?" He looked around.

"Very funny. No, not a staple in my quarters."

"It should be." They tossed back the shots and she sat down next to him, smiling. "I like seeing that look on your face, Lola."

"You should, you put it there. It feels strange though. Something has come over me recently." She leaned over to set her glass on the table, then took his to do the same before sitting back, her elbow on the back of the couch. "I used to love the fight; it gave me such a thrill. It was everything I lived for and looked forward to."

"I remember. It was like that right up until Tuchanka, but not much since then."

She nodded. "It gets worse every time. There's no joy in it anymore. Just anger, and lots of it. The stakes are high now, though."

"If you say so. But the stakes were pretty high before too." He said.

"True."

They looked at each other for a moment before he reached out and touched her chin. "There's still some blood on your face. Didn't you get a shower?" He set his arm along the back of the couch when she began rubbing off the dried blood.

"I did, but it kept bleeding for a while. It's happened a few times recently. But I think I know why." She shrugged. "No big deal, considering what we do every day." She watched as he took something out of his pocket and set it on the table. "What's the marker for?"

"I thought maybe I could get that autograph you promised me." He gave her his best cocky grin.

A huge smile appeared on her face at this reminder of the day they had met and she leaned forward, kissing him gently on the lips and looked into his eyes. "We'll have to see what we can do."

He watched her as she rose and padded over to the stereo by her bed, flipping through several variations of electronica music before settling on something a little more relaxing. "You like dance music, huh? Ironic."

"Don't even." She came back to the table and poured another shot for both of them before sitting down. "Just because I don't do something well doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. In my experience, expecting perfection stops a lot of people from reaching beyond what they know." She leaned back, gazing up at the starfield over her bed, her favorite view in the universe. "It keeps people in bad situations, stops them from progressing beyond what hurts them. It keeps them in bad relationships even when they already know it isn't working."

He looked at her curiously. He'd never heard her talk like this before. "You and Ashley...?"

She rolled her head to the side to look at him. "No. Well, not at first. I meant my parents. I might... possibly... have some Daddy issues." She smiled sardonically. "I have trouble trusting men, opening up to them. That's why I tried with Ashley, but it was just a whole new set of problems. I wrote off relationships after that. Just brief dalliances with the occasional merc, you know, trying to keep out of my subordinate's pants." She flicked her eyes over him meaningfully and he chuckled.

"Yeah, I get the idea. But there should always be an exception for the right person."

"I'm beginning to understand that." She scooted toward him, putting both arms around his shoulders. "James, I can't promise I won't act like that again; old habits die hard. But I will try. Just don't-" there was a return of her earlier attitude as she leaned in even closer, "touch Diana. I will break her and anyone else that touches you in half."

"That's good to hear. I was beginning to wonder."

"Liar. You knew all along. You gave up way too easy on Earth. Especially with all that time alone."

He groaned. "Fuck. I knew it. The only time I've second-guessed myself when it came to a woman, and it was right when it really counted."

"That's usually how it happens." She smiled.

He leaned in and kissed her, then pulled her into his lap. "That was a dirty trick you played on Earth."

"It was tough to do. You have no idea. As hard as it was for you. Well," she shuffled in his lap, "then again, maybe not."

He kissed her neck, pushing her strap out of the way. "I waited a long time for this, Lola. But I always knew you were worth it." He put his hand on the other side of her neck, holding her close while he tasted her skin. Her eyes rolled back at the sensation, almost tipping her glass before remembering it was there. She drank it quickly, taking his full glass out of his other hand and setting it on the table with hers. When she leaned over, he tried to follow her, not wanting to stop, and they almost fell off the couch.

"This isn't going to work." He said, looking down a the narrow cushion. She moved to straddle his lap like before, which made him smile. "That's more like it." He ran his hands up her sides, then pulled her close. Her hair covered his face as he bent into her neck again. "God, it's so good to have you like this finally. You've been driving me crazy."

She didn't answer, just sat back enough to pull his face to hers. They kissed for a long time, his hands roaming under the back of her shirt. She eventually pulled it off, taking his off too, and they continued making out, their dog tags clinking together, cold metal on warm skin. Finally they stood up and he began pulling her toward the bed. She stumbled against the table when he pulled her and he laughed. "Trouble walking, Lola? Here, let me help." He leaned over and picked her up at the waist, slinging her over his shoulder.

"Hey!" She said as he began to walk, her hair swinging above her head. She stared at the definition of muscles in his back and her hands reached up to touch him right as he flipped her back over, onto the bed. She grunted as her body bounced slightly on the hard bed. He grabbed the hem of her pants and yanked, nodding with approval when he saw she wasn't wearing anything underneath. "Right on."

She sighed in satisfaction as she watched him strip down, then she patted the mattress and he sat next to her on the bed. She moved on all fours in front of him, flicked her tongue at his erection and muttered, "About that autograph..." before taking him into her warm mouth. With a quick huff at the pleasure of it, he pulled her hair out of the way, thoroughly enjoying her ministrations. After a few minutes, she moved up and positioned herself above him. She looked at him with a crooked smile, eyes heavily lidded with one eyebrow cocked. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

He groaned. "Fuck, you are such a tease." He grabbed her hips and pushed down. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and bit his neck, moaning. He took her long, muscular legs and wrapped them around his waist before putting his arms under her bottom and lifting and lowering her with his strong arms. She didn't have anything to do but hang on and enjoy the ride.

They made love long into the night. It was every bit as good as they had both thought it would be. Now that the ice was broken, they both knew without words that they'd spend every moment they could together, for as long as they could. But behind it all, and for completely different reasons, they both knew they should enjoy every moment they had together while it lasted.


My main goal in any sex scene is to never say the words "nubbins" or "engorged". Nailed it.