A/N:

This was a nice little challenge from SasoriAddicted.

-What happens when the Akatsuki members steal the Leader's 'Mysterious Black Cloud' ?

Dead or Alive

The greatest questions amongst all of the Naruto fans are as follows:

Who the hell is the Akatsuki leader?

Who the hell is Tobi?

Who the hell is Kakashi dating?

… -double takes- WTF?! WHO THE HELL IS KAKASHI DATING? WHO THE HELL ASKS THAT QUESTION!?

I will address the first question. Actually, the Akatsuki members will. This is a true story told to me by a reliable source –cough-anAkatsukiwhodoesntwanttheLeadertogranthimaharshpainfuldeaththatnobodywouldenvyeveniftheywerecompletelyandutterlyinsane-cough-.

xXx

The Akatsuki members were baffled. They served an extremely powerful man whose genius border-lined insanity (unlike Itachi, whose doesn't border-line insanity, but is insane). So the age-long question of all Akatsuki members, whether they have been part of the notorious (-ly insane) group for eons, or for mere days was the question of Leader-sama's identity. Nobody knew the answer to the question, and ever since Deidara and Itachi joined, the urge to figure it out grew greater and greater.

It was because of Itachi's commanding presence and Deidara's persistence that the two were the ones who set of the chain of events that would later be called the "Stupidest Thing Any Akatsuki Could Do (Because the Leader can beat Itachi into the dust, so what makes you think he can't do the same to YOU? Huh? YEAH! That's right, bitch, you should have thought about that BEFOREhand!)"

When Itachi joined Akatsuki, he refused to speak to Sir Leader-Sama for the duration of five days. He didn't like the Mysterious Black Cloud that hovered around the Leader, and hid his identity from the rest. In fact, it went beyond 'not liking' it. Itachi's feeling towards the Cloud border-lined fearing and despising it with the burning passion of his youth. (Oh. My. God. I did not just use 'burning passion of his youth' in the same sentence as Itachi without someone dying.)

So after the fifth day, Leader began to get seriously annoyed with the stoic Uchiha's silent treatment. And Leader does not like the Cold Shoulder. Especially when it is administered by a tomato-obsessed anti-social bastard whose name means weasel. The Uchiha-Leader conflict came to a dramatic, cheesy-movie style climax in the Common Room on the sixth day.

"Didn't your mother tell you its impolite stare/glare, Uchiha?" Sir Leader snapped at Uchiha, who was giving off killer intent through his eyes as he watched the Leader intensely.

"She probably did. But I usually don't take heed of the dead." Itachi responded.

"Oh, I'm so sorry your mother is dead, Itachi-kun." Leader sympathized in a voice that conveyed absolutely no genuine sorrow.

"I'm not. I killed her, along with the rest of my clan." Itachi's iron-cold voice held a touch of smugness in it. Everyone but Kisame (who already knew) and Orochimaru (who licked his lips and tried to grab Itachi's ass and only succeeding in getting a huge bruise) backed away, giving the insane Uchiha sideways glances.

"…" Leader wasn't speechless, per say, (he already knew – DUH! That's why he LET Itachi join) but he didn't really have a come back for that one.

"Do you have a problem with me, Itachi-kun?" Leader asked after floundering for a moment.

"Yes. I hate your Mysterious Black Cloud. I WANT TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE!" Itachi yelled.

This is the first step the eventual obsession with Leader's Mysterious Black Cloud – who wouldn't be curious about something that sets off a genius clan prodigy?

"I'll fight you, Itachi-kun. If you win, I'll show my identity. If you lose… well, you will dance for me while singing Amazing Grace."

Itachi sneered. "Like you could beat me. Deal."

The two walked out, and the rest followed.

Two minutes later found Sasori brought a flag down and cried, "Begin!"

Itachi rushed at the Leader, becoming a blur that moved so fast that half of the Akatsuki present couldn't follow his movements. Itachi punched Leader hard in the gut, and gripped the front of his robes, staring him straight in the eye.

"Mangek" –

Itachi began, about to unleash his best move against Leader. Unfortunately for him, Itachi was still somewhat new to the technique.

A brilliantly blinding flash of a flash-bomb filled the vicinity, and Itachi shrieked, "MY EYES!" In some strange way that cannot be explained by the dead-tired authoress currently typing this sentence, the blinding light severely conflicted with Itachi's sensitive eyes and caused the Uchiha great pain, thus causing him to lose match as the Leader relentlessly ground the Uchiha into a pile of fine dust.

This was the second step to the obsession of figuring out Leader's identity. The Leader beat Itachi into pulp. Sure, his method was slightly unorthodox, but he did win didn't he? So who was this powerful shinobi? WHO? GOD DAMMIT TELL ME!

The next day, at dinner, Sasori took a seat at the piano that had been temporarily moved into the dining room.

"Dance. And sing." Leader smirked as he commanded Itachi.

With a groan, Itachi got smashed. And then he danced. And sang, though unforutantely, being tone-deaf, having a horrible, scratchy voice, and being drunk don't help when you're trying to sing to the best of your abilites. These little facts only served to amuse everyone present even more.

That day forever embedded itself into Itachi's mind as the most embarrassing moment of his young life. Well, it would have, if he hadn't been so drunk that he didn't even remember it (though everyone else giggled at him for two weeks following whenever music played.)

xXx

Deidara's contribution was much simpler. It went something like this:

On the first day, the Akatsuki were gathered in the Common Room. Leader was reading an Icha Icha Paradise book, Itachi was reading of his shoulder, Kisame was reading over both their shoulders, Kakuzu was counting money, Hidan was praying, Sasori was painting a new puppet, Orochimaru was somewhere in Sound molesting Kabuto, and Deidara was eyeing the Leader with something that can only be described as a great, so obsessive-that-it's-scaring-the-Leader look.

"Do I have something on my nose, Deidara?" Leader asked sweetly.

"No, un. It's just that… the Mysterious Black Cloud. I feel like I MUST know who you are."

Everyone who remembered the time Itachi tried to figure it out took a collective, shocked, breath (Itachi included).

Leader shrugged.

"Who are you, un? Who are you, un? Who are you, un?"

This is the third step towards the new obession. Deidara repeated this sentence so many times, in so many places, in so few days, that it wasn't long before every Akatsuki member couldn't sleep because of the little voice muttering in their heads. The voice spoke the same thing, over and over again. "Who is the Leader, un?"

And then Tobi joined as Zetsu's subordinate, and joined Deidara in asking incessantly.

This is the fourth step: the Akatsuki had two (count 'em, TWO) little voices were muttering in their heads at night "Who is the Leader ? (un)."

xXx

So the Akatsuki devised a plan to learn the Leader's identity. It was very daring, and included Tobi doing all the serious, lose-your-life-if-you-get-caught dirty work.

xXx

It was the Thirty-Sixth of January (1) when everyone in Akatsuki was rudely awoken by a high-pitched, inhumane screech, followed by words laced with venom.

"WHO THE HELL STOLE MY MYSTERIOUS BLACK CLOUD?"

And everyone in Akatsuki rolled back over and instantly fell to sleep. Only to be woken up five minutes later by the same thought. 'OMG TOBI SUCCEEDED LEADER IS UNCOVERED!'

And everyone in Akatsuki leapt out of their beds, pulled on their robes, and made to race out their doors, only to be halted at the doors, staring at the notices pinned up.

Missing:

My Mysterious Black Cloud

Reward:

just get it back for me.

...and consider the fact that you are alive as payment enough.

Wanted:

The person who stole it.

Dead or Alive

(But preferably alive so I can beat the shit out of them)

And everyone in Akatsuki shivered.

But as far as the plan goes, Part One: Success.

And that breakfast, Part Two was successful as well.

Tobi snuck up behind Leader at breakfast and yanked off his hat.

"TOBI?"Deidara gasped, pointing a disbelieving finger.

Because underneath the obnoxiously large hat was Tobi. Tobi was the Leader. Tobi beat the shit out of Itachi. IT WAS TOBI!

Itachi fainted – he had been whupped by the "Tobi is a good boy" kid? Yes, I'd faint too. I'd also be highly-embarrassed, as was Itachi.

"B… but, who is that then, un?" Deidara managed after five minutes of staring in shock.

"A clone." Leader-Tobi shrugged nonchalantly, as Tobi nodded. "Oh. I want my Mysterious Black Cloud back. And the person who stole it."

Everyone sweatdropped and disappeared (except for Itachi, who stayed on the ground, still out cold).

Two minutes later, they came back with the Cloud and an Iwa-nin (who, they claimed, stole it).

Leader knew it wasn't true, but he had fun torturing the Iwa-nin to death.

xXx

"Thank you for going along with me, Tobi. As a reward for helping me conceal my identity, you may join Akatsuki when the next person…er, passes on." Leader thanked the self-proclaimed Good Boy.

"Thank you, Sir Leader-Sama." Tobi responded with a bow, adding a, "Tobi is a good boy."

xXx

The infamous saying goes, 'Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.' Most people only know the former half. That's okay, because for the latter half was forgotten when the poor Iwa-nin suffered an untimely death – because satisfaction did not bring him back. (Well, techincally, there was not satsifaction, because the Akatsuki didn't really solve the mystery – Leader is not really Tobi, and nobody knows who he really is. The Akatsuki learned this some time later, much to their dismay. That's how Sakura managed to kill Sasori - the puppet wasn't feeling in fighting condition because he was depressed that he didn't know Leader's identity.)

A/N:

(1)The Akatsuki don't know dates. Well, they do but Tobi was retelling this part of the story to me, so I had to go by his dates.

Again, that was SasoriAddicted's challenge!

I hope you liked it!

Please review?

-Aes Sedai