The Banana Slug: I have no beef with PETA, I think it is a good organization fighting for a just cause, good for them…HOWEVER, I do not support their urging, and sometimes slanderizing, need for people to be vegans, going so far by calling our own dear lovin' moms Rabbit-Killers.
I will eat my meat and pet my cat, you don't have to be a vegan to like animals. Why did I bring this up? No reason. Just wanted to sound like a dick.
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: Snowflame from the New Guardians…As if anyone knew about that comic before Linkara reviewed it, I didn't even know about it. |:[
You Got BatRolled!
By The Banana Slug
CHAPTER 7: Stop Eating Plants!
No More Vegans!
It was a quite Gotham night, with a environmental protection group meeting in the local gym. There had to be at least forty-ten environmentalists that night, with one more up at the podium, all of them cheering to him.
"Hello, everybody, settle down, settle down," calmed the organizer, his name was Rocky, "I know it's been a tough time, man, with corporations like Wayne Enterprises, GothCorp, and let's not forget, LexCorp, not going with our demands for a more eco-friendly business plan, man!"
They all shouted in agreement, their hairy pits visible as they raised their fists in the air, I'm sure it would be more meaningful if it was ten thousand fists, but it wasn't.
"It is time for us to get serious, man, no more smoking pot all day!" shouted Rocky, they all gasped at his last statement, "It's time to fight back, mano e mano! We need to get serious about this, man, we all can't be like Martin Luther King Jr. or Gandhi, we need to be like George Washington, man, like, revolutionary, man!"
They all shouted in pride, ready to change the world with their one-sided and economically damaging demands. Rocky nodded at this show of pride and held his palm out to calm the crowd.
"Alright, dudes, settle down, let me speak, man," called out Rocky, "We can't do this alone, which is why a bailed out a patient of Arkham with my kid's college fund to help us out, man."
He moved away from the curtain, a drum roll playing from the speakers. "I present you the savior of the world, Miss Pamela Isley…or better known as, man, Poison Ivy!" The curtains parted to reveal…
…
SCARECROW!
He was standing there with a dumb grin. A deep silence welcomed him, along with glares and pouts. "Hey, get Worzel Gummidge off the stage!" shouted one person in anger, the crowd agreed. In defeat, Scarecrow slumped his head and walked away from the stage.
"Sorry, guys, let's try it again," groaned Rocky, the drum roll returned as he announced, "Well, welcome, our savior, Poison Ivy!"
A large plant vine with a large pod in the end broke through the stage, scaring a decent amount of the crowd. It lowered the pod down and opened, revealing the incredibly sexy Poison Ivy, lowering down onto the stage.
They all cheered at her presence, she soaked it up as she posed in front of them all. "Thank you, thank you," she called out after swiping the microphone, "You do not know how good that feels."
They all settled down as Poison Ivy waited for them to, looking at her nails. "Well, I am honored to be here, I truly am, I am one-hundred percent in with your cause for a more eco-friendly world, saving all our beautiful plants from mankind's cruelty…"
They all cheered at her speech, Rocky walked up to her and patted her back, much to her disgust. "That's right, man, plant and animal working together to save the world!"
Poison Ivy's plant released multiple vines to grab Rocky by the neck, lifting him up and slowly hanging him, Rocky gasping for air. The crowd was shocked, except for one man, who was asleep.
"I wasn't finish, meat-bags!" yelled Poison Ivy, she then sighed and stomped her foot, "I am trying to finish but you morons will not let me finish!"
She looked at Rocky, struggling and gasping for air, she sighed and snapped her fingers. The plant dropped Rocky, breathing loudly, but stopped breathing so loudly after a cold glare from Poison Ivy.
"You see, I love that you want to save the world's plants," continued Poison Ivy, "But how can you all be so god-damned hypocritical!"
One female hippie raised her arm and spoke out, "But we aren't! We recycle, we conserve energy, and we don't eat meat."
"Exactly!" called out Poison Ivy, pointing at the female hippie, "You are eating my babies like horrid beasts, chewing them down like the abominations you are!"
She continued, green tears in her eyes. "I constantly hear my babies, screaming in pain, crying for mercy! I hear them in agony as you rip their fruits from the trees, and I hear them wishing them to die as you murder and eat their children, only to carelessly throw their corpses in the trash! Poor harmless beans coagulated to make your precious tofu so that you won't eat meat! I eat meat, and I enjoy it! It's me! Getting revenge! Suck it!"
"But why would you eat a harmless little animal!" called out a big fat eco-terrorist.
"Why would you eat a poor harmless pod full of baby plants?" retorted Poison Ivy, "If you can't respond with a better question, than shut up!""The Earth gives us the plants as a gift!" pleaded another crowd member, he looked a lot like David Grohl.
"That is the stupidest thing in the world, shut up!" yelled Poison Ivy, "If I went to your house, ate your dog, without you saying a word, would you consider that a gift to me?"
"Um, no, not really, also I have a cat," replied the David Grohl-esque crowd member.
"Don't care," replied Poison Ivy, "I am saying how do you know if they want you to take their babies and eat them, they don't talk to you. I do, and they hate it!"
"But, if they don't want us to take them, why do they grow?" asked a female eco-warrior, who was breast-feeding her child.
"Oh, since you put it in that way, give me your baby," replied Poison Ivy.
"Why?" asked the eco-warrior."I'm hungry," hissed Poison Ivy. The eco-warrior looked at her with horror, quickly getting up and running out of the building, child in hand.
"Wait…so you eat meat?" asked a crowd member.
"Of course I do, pigs, cow, dog, human," listed Poison Ivy, then chuckling and saying in a seductive tone, "Nothing does my day good than having a nice big piece of meat in my mouth."
"Aaaaah yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!" shouted out a crowd-member, he then realized what he said and sat back down, "Sorry, my bad, continue."
"You see, you are doing just as much harm as you help," ranted Poison Ivy, "You can't help the Earth no matter what you do!"
"But…what can we do to save the world?" shouted out a crowd-member.
"Die!" she hissed in a nefarious tone. Suddenly, vine tentacles jutted from the ground and began to kill all the forty-ten environmentalists…sorry, it's thirty-ten now.
"Stop, man, this is so not cool!" shouted Rocky.
Poison Ivy looked at him with a smile as blood and screams filled the gym. She walked over to him and grabbed his face, smirking and giving a deep kiss in the mouth, for a whole two minutes as the carnage was carrying out.
After the two minutes, she stood before him as he knelt in front of her, smiling in a dumb loves-truck fashion. "Wow…" bashfully said Rocky, but then began to choke and cough violently, struggling to breath on the ground, "But…why?"
"I may be evil, but I'm not evil enough to steal from my children, ass," replied Poison Ivy spitefully, looking down at the man with disdain.
Snowflame Is Watching You Read
In the darkest part of Gotham, there laid an abandoned amusement park, which was home to the insidious Joker, and his evil and chaotic ilk.
In the funhouse, there was a room made to be the Joker's office, full of gadgets, pictures of the Joker, and a large bed for him and Harley. In it, the Joker, Harley, and his various henchmen were huddled to a table, looking at a map of Gotham City.
"Now, here is my plan, kiddies," explained Joker, pointing at various points in the map, "What we are going to do is something very simple! You are going to set a bomb full of Joker venom at the local elementary school, and another at the Gotham Medical, and a final one down at the Arts Festival. The crème de resistance, of course, will be me and my men hijacking the local news station and tell ALL of Gotham that I have set up said bombs in said locations…"
"But, wouldn't that reveal the whole plan, Mr. J?" asked Harley Quinn, "Y'know, tell them where we are gonna be settin' the bombs so that they'll know our whole plan?"
"Harley, do you just speak words without even listening to your damn self?" asked a disgruntled Joker, then continuing with his plan, "I will of course, say that if they attempt to lead people out of the area, I will blow those areas up, same if anyone attempts to enter the news building. I will then give people a number to text whether to let the people live or not."
"Why would you do that?" asked Harley Quinn, confused as always. Joker grabbed her by the arms and shook her violently, scaring her.
"Because it's a mockery of American Idol, dummy!" yelled Joker, throwing a hurt Harley on the ground, then returning to his plan as Harley got up with a sniffle, "Now, when they voted for the YES in the Should I let them live? question, I blow the Joker Bombs anyway! For you see, no matter what you vote in, you never get what you want! You never get what you want! NYAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!"
Harley sighed and said, "I know you wanted David Archuleta to win, but you don't need to make everyone suffer because of it.""Eat me!" snapped the Joker, raising his pimp hand. He would have hit Harley if the doors didn't suddenly swing open to reveal a tall white figure with waving white hair. The Joker and his posse looked at the man walking to them, with his white hair waving around as he wore his red Santa Clause-esque outfit, with a terrifying grin and dilated eyes. It was…
…
SNOWFLAME!
The Joker and his gang looked at the grinning coke-addict as he stood there with a grin and a pose. "So, uh, can I…help you in…anyway?" asked the Joker.
Snowflame looked at him. "Snowflame has come! Snowflame wishes to help you with his white glory!""Sorry, sir, but I am not interested in a gigolo today, try tomorrow," replied the Joker, "But, if you swing both ways, I'm sure Harley…"
"Save your lesser substitutes to ecstasy, I am Snowflame, the Child of Cocaine, my god!" continued the mad man, "I am it's vessel, I am it's child of pleasure. I am it's willing slave, and it commands Snowflame to help the child of insanity, the Joker…"
"…O…K…" let out the Joker, looking around, seeing if this was a joke, then turning to Snowflame and smiling, "Okay, then, we were just planning the destruction of Gotham by Joker Venom, just to show how voting for things like American Idol is useless.""Let it go, honey," calmed Harley Quinn hesitantly.
"I AM CALM!" yelled the Joker, he then noticed Snowflame drawing X's on the map, "What the heh are you doing?"
"Snowflame has made your cause noble," replied the mad cocaine addict, "Snowflame has marked blasphemous structures, they are anti-drug clubs, rehabs, and drug treatment buildings, we will bomb them instead."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you think you are doing!" shouted the Joker, "My plan is ten times more better than that hash of snatch!"
"Also, Snowflame says the bombs will not be of your futile gas, it shall be filled with my god, and it will infect the people and turn them into the path of cocaine, entering their blood and becoming slaves to the white power!"
"…futile?" asked the Joker, offended by that statement.
"All of Gotham will see Snowflame's world, becoming worshippers of the true god of ecstasy and pleasure, with sacrifices of sexual sin and lust, a white cloud will shroud the entire city, where we will all bask in the glory of cocaine!"
They all looked at him with confusion and disbelief, the Joker pinched his nose in annoyance as Harley played with her hair. "Listen, Mr. Snowflame, I already have a plan to bomb various parts of Gotham, I don't know if you know this, but I am a very big deal in Gotham, and I don't take just any ideas, so why don't you try Two-Face, or Black Mask, or Penguin, hell, why not Ventriloquist?"
"The great Snowflame did, they refused, as did Scarecrow, Bane, and Mr. Freeze," he replied, "You are the savior of Cocaine, the chosen son, the bringer of the white light of bleeding noses!"
"Oh…yippee," groaned an unenthusiastic Joker, looking around as Snowflame ranted like a madman. He eyed a furnace in the distance, why he would have a furnace is a rhetorical question, he's the Joker, of course he'd have one in his room.
He gave an awful grin as he thought of a way to get rid of the Abominable Snowflame, rubbing his hands together sadistically.
"..And the skies will burn as the sun turns white, showering Cocaine on the people of Gotham as I drink my Coca Cola!" Snowflame rambled on, flapping his arms around.
"Say, uh, Snowflake," called out the Joker, "I believe I have been seduced by your sermon, and I have to say, it is one hell of a plan!"
"Really? Snowflame knew you'd see the truth!" he laughed with pride in his booming cocaine-filled mouth.
Joker put his arm around Snowflame and walked him to the furnace door. "And to prove this lovely alliance with such a fine individual, my friend, I would like to make a toast…of cocaine."
"Yes! Cocaine and Sex! A fine celebration of this great union!" roared Snowflame with joy.
"Yes, and the cocaine is in my furnace," said the Joker as he pointed at the furnace door, the Joker patted Snowflame's back and said brisky, "Hurry now, a gay magician with AIDs is going to steal it and you will not have ANY!"
"Extraño!" roared Snowflame, diving into the furnace with anger. The Joker quickly closed the furnace door and quickly turned it on, locking the door behind him.
He walked back to the table with a swagger and a smile that says, "Yes, I did that". The Joker slammed his hands on the table and said with a booming voice, "Now, that we have gotten rid of the Bane-expy, let me continue my awesome and justified plan, we will start the attack against Gotham tomorrow, exactly 11:55 AM, no early birds or night owls."
He wrapped the map up as the men nodded with agreement, along with Joker's girlfriend. "That will teach people to expect the worst," grunted the Joker as he and the gang walked out of the office, "Let's go get some Choco-Tacos!" They all cheered at his announcement, closing the door behind them.
The furnace burned greatly, smoke coming from the chimney, with a weak voice in the burning pit calling out.
"…Gloss? Ram? Harbinger?" it called out, "Do you have my god?"
Poison Ivy Chow Town
It was hours later, Poison Ivy sitting down on a large flower as she was eating a burger, a smile on her face as dead environmentalists were scattered across the ground.
Outside, the building had long large vines sprouting everywhere, slowly moving and creaking.
As Poison Ivy ate her burger, Batman and Robin walked through the front door, stopping in front of Poison Ivy.
"Why am I not surprised," growled Batman, glaring at her.
"Hey Batman," replied a happy Poison Ivy, holding out her burger, "You want? It's good."
"No thanks, I am not a cannibal," replied Batman, "So, are you going in quietly or do we have to rip your plants apart to get you to come with us?"
"No, I'll come in peacefully, just let me finish my burger," answered Poison Ivy calmly, "I let you finish the last time we fought…" She ended that statement with a soft laugh.
Batman raised a brow and nodded, "True, I'll give you that, Ivy, but you got ten minutes, and then I'm coming back in." He began to walk away, but turned back around and added, "You know, bread is made of wheat."
"No, no, this is bone bread," replied Poison Ivy happily.
"…Oh," said Batman plainly, walking out with Robin…only for Robin to walk back in with a blush and say, "Y'know, that last time we fought was kinda special, maybe I can…" He of course was interrupted by Batman who grabbed him by the cape and dragged Robin away, who was grunting and kicking at the floor.
Poison Ivy only watched as they walked away and began to chow down on her humanburger, or a humanwich, if you will.
The Banana Slug: My Humanwhich!
