Recap: Natalia (Belarus) and Maria (Prussia) get interrupted during their fight, Alfred (America) plays the hero, Matthew (Canada) goes unnoticed as usual, and a flood of superfluous pairings (Spamano, SuFin) occur.
High Standards: A Hetalicized Cinderella Story
Chapter Seven: Wherein the Shit Hits the Fan
The Grand Duke took a very deep breath.
"Okay," he sighed, "the good news is the Prince has found someone he wishes to pursue. The bad news is she kind of ran away, but we can find her with a shoe… oh God, that sounds so stupid!"
Toris paced down the hallway outside of his office, clutching the slipper tightly with both hands. The guards hadn't returned yet from their… escapades, so the hall was empty except for Raivis, who had somehow managed to fall asleep during all that chaos and had nowhere else to go (poor kid).
"Well," Toris gulped, "I suppose I could just not tell him, or would that be worse?"
"I don't think it really matters." Raivis said, staring straight ahead.
"Really?"
"Yeah, because you're screwed either way."
Toris pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Thanks,"
"No problem."
He gathered up his courage and opened the door to his office. For the past several hours, King Ivan has been hiding in a secret crawl space conveniently located behind one of his house plants.
Well, the sooner he got this over with, the better.
Toris' knees trembled as he scooted the vase further away from the hidden door, buckling as he tried to knock.
"Y-your Majesty? It's m-me. Y-your sister has b-been removed from the p-premises, so you can c-come out n-now."
The tiny door slowly creaked open, and somehow the King squeezed himself out. Toris took his hand, and led him to the couch that groaned under his weight as he eased himself down.
"Are y-you sure she's g-gone?"
"P-p-positive," Toris collapsed into his cushy office chair, "A-Alfred took her to M-McDonald's, saying it w-was a sin that she'd never eaten there b-before."
King Ivan instantly recovered, sitting tall with his back straight, smiling.
"That's good to hear. Remind me to up his pay and give extra incentives to take her out a lot. And by the way, have you heard anything on Vash? Has he managed to find anyone yet?"
"A-a-as a matter of fact…"
~ .D.N.I.W.E.R~
"Grand Duke! Grand Duke! Oh, thank God."
Prince Vash doubled over, hands on his knees to catch his breath. Toris assumed he was out of breath from dancing, or something.
"Yes, Your Highness?"
"I need your help, it's driving me insane!"
"Um, what exactly is driving you insane, if I may ask?"
"Her fucking riddles! I finally find a girl worth talking to (other than Lilli), and she just leaves me with this!" He shoves the shoe into Toris' face. "How do you find someone with a shoe?"
"Uh… try the shoe on everyone's feet in the kingdom to find who it fits? Perhaps a tracking device in the shoe?"
Prince Vash's eyes narrowed dangerously. Toris recognized that look from his father, the king, and shivered.
"Who the hell puts a tracking device in a shoe?"
"Sorry, sorry! Forget I mentioned it at all. It was only a suggestion, Your Highness."
"Whatever. We'll go with the first one, even though it's kind of stupid. There could be hundreds of girls with the same shoe size!"
"Well, do you remember what she looked like?"
"…No."
"…"
"But she liked saving money."
"This is going to be quite the experience," Toris muttered under his breath, "Okay, so would you mind accompanying me to explain all of this to your father?"
"Sorry, you're on your own. It's been so long since I've used the Royal Firing Range… I think I'm having withdrawal."
The Grand Duke stepped aside to let the Prince through. His gun obsession was unnatural, but to keep him from his hobbies is to know what it feels like to have a bullet go through your head. Or in Prince Vash's case, forty three bullets and a water pipe. Sometimes the King liked to get in on the fun for "family bonding time".
Again, Toris shivered.
"I hate my life."
~F.A.S.T.F.O.R.W.A.R.D.~
"A-a-as a matter of fact…yes."
King Ivan giggled, clapping his hands and kicking his feet like a kid about to get cake, ice cream, chocolate, French fries, a hamburger, and yogurt all in one go. In other words, Alfred on any given day at lunch time (the yogurt is so he can claim he's 'eating healthy').
"Really? Who is she? Where's she from? Have I met her before? Or her father, perhaps?"
Toris gulped.
"Um, w-well you see... she's sort of a m-mysterious girl who-."
"A mysterious girl? A bit cliché, but… wait. Repeat that last part."
The room suddenly grew colder, and the Grand Duke's chair was no longer a comfortable place to be in.
"Y-yeah, um, I-I-"
"Spit it out, Toooorrrriiisss." He drew out the vowels and his water pipe at the same time, eyes darkening and smile widening.
"She-sh-sh-sh-she-" When the purple aura surrounded the King like a dark cloud, he knew he was toast. Mmm, toast.
"Kol kol kol…"
"The girl disappeared and no one could find her-aaaaahhhhh!"
Toris leapt up as the water pipe crashed into his desk, chopping it in half like a celery stick. King Ivan was obviously not a big fan of vegetables.
"B-but she left-aaah!" He ducked, hiding behind one of the large decorative vases. "She left a clue to lead-oomph!"
Toris jumped out, rolling across the floor and nimbly landing on the other side of the couch.
"How do you do that?" King Ivan asked, now throwing office supplies that Toris dodged gracefully.
"I dated Natalia for three years."
"… Ouch."
"I have Aflac, it's all good."
King Ivan quickly ran out of objects to throw, and then he spotted the brown slipper. He picked it up, curiously.
"Toris, why do you have a ladies' slipper in your office?"
"That – it doesn't belong to me! The girl! The mystery girl dropped it as she fled and Prince Vash believes that if we try it on every girl in the kingdom, the girl who fits it will be The One!"
King Ivan blinked.
"Really?"
Toris nodded.
"That sounds really stupid, but since it's Vash… I'll accept it."
Huh. So if Prince Vash says something, the King will automatically go with it? Toris mentally pocketed the information for later use.
King Ivan laughed as he headed for the exit, speaking quietly to himself.
"As long as someone becomes Vash's bride (and give me grandbabies), I'll be happy."
He tossed the shoe on the pile of wood that was Toris' desk, causing the carefully balanced stack of debris to collapse, emitting a cloud of dust.
The Grand Duke sighed, oozing into his desk chair once more. It was probably horrible for his back, but he didn't care. All Toris knew was he was going to need a lot of help. He needed a new desk, office supplies, and a ride to every household in the kingdom with a female inhabitant.
This was going to take a while. Especially considering how he wasn't exactly in the know as far as who lives where and all that.
"I hate my life," he muttered for the second time that day.
Then suddenly, without so much as a knock, the door slammed open.
"Like, is this the office of the Grand Duke? My gossip senses were tingling."
Okay, maybe his life wasn't that bad.
Feliks sashayed into the room, and gasped.
"Oh mah God, what happened to your desk? We are so going to go shopping right this minute!"
The cross-dresser linked their arms together, yanking him through the door. Now usually, Toris was not that big a fan of physical contact, being around King Ivan for so long….
…But he really did need a new desk.
"I like your shirt. It's nice."
Feliks perked up.
"Really? You think so?"
"Uh huh, it brings out the color of your eyes."
Feliks gasped.
"Thanks so much, the store clerk was totally right! I'm Feliks, by the way."
They shook hands.
"Charmed."
They passed by the King in the hallway, who was spinning around with a crying Raivis, shouting "I'm going to be a grandfather!" over and over.
"… And Raivis can be the grandmother!"
The boy passed out. Again. The King giggled.
"I keep telling you not to sleep here. Silly Raivis."
"Did you get it?" Elizaveta whispered, securing the metal ladder they borrowed so that it wouldn't shake.
"Hai," Sakura whispered back, turning off the camcorder as she prepared to descend the ladder. "How do you say… two in one special?"
Elizaveta smirked.
"Niiiiice,"
Meanwhile, the palace attack dogs snore peacefully, legs twitching in their sleep, surrounded by piles of T-bone steak bones.
Disclaimer: Guess what? It's opposite day. I own Hetalia. Mine, mine, mine.
I knew there were a few pairings I was leaving out. And I totally skimped on the GerIta in the last chapter, but there'll be more later, I think. And yes, there will be eventual PruCan, so no worries. :)
I like writing a stressed out, very confused Switzerland. He kind of has tiny explosions now and then, cured by visits to the firing range. And then there's poor Latvia. He won't get hurt, though – Estonia is working the camera security system in the palace, and will randomly jump in and save him, or something.
Also, while Feliks knows everyone who works in the palace, Toris is so busy trying to avoid King Ivan's wrath to bother learning names and faces. Feliks will definitely be changing that.
It really makes me happy that you guys are enjoying this, even if the writing is all over the place. Thanks for reading this far, and please review.
