Who Divided By Umineko? The Culprit is Revealed!

Spoilers for Episode 5!

"OH NO! Oh no no NO!" Battler and Natsuhi yelled at the ridiculous theory Bernkastel conjured with Lambdadelta. "Oooh~ Natsuhi, you know you love you some old man Kinzo-lovin'," Bern said with her signature troll face. "You've been sexin' that man in your room!" The witch said in blue. "This is what had happened," Lambda said. (She has very good Engrish)

*Flashback!*

"Flash back waves gives me headaches," Natsuhi commented as their visions spun away.

*Flashback!*

-Sometime before this year, 10:30 p.m.

Kinzo: (looking out at night sky) Oh Bea-tor-riiche! How I love you~! (a knock sounds at his room door) Who dat is? Do not bother me in my epic-ness!

Natsuhi: (badly dressed as Beatrice): It is I, your love Beatrice! (her wig falls off, but she quickly puts it back on. Kinzo opens his door)

Kinzo: BEATO… ( silenced by fingers on his lips)

Natsuhi: (seductively) Shhh… Let's make magic tonight…

Kinzo: Oh yeah!

Natsuhi: Oh yeah!

Kool Aid Man: OH JYEAH!

*Flashback End*

"Oh no what the Fukai Mori was that? I don't speak in that manner at all!" Natsuhi yelled at the two lesbo witches. "What is Kool-Aid Man doing there," Battler asked incredulously to no one in particular.

"THAT LOOK'S LIKE ME? ARE YOU MAD? ARE YOU F^CKING RETARDED?"

Beatrice came out of nowhere and began a rant about the flashback, she was obviously offended.

"All of you hoes step back for a moment," Genji parted through a sea of Siesta Sisters in the witches court and stepped up to Battler and everyone else.

"OH JYEAH!" Kool-Aid Man busted into a wall of the court and was instantly stabbed by Genji, who always carried a blade up his sleeve. "Shut that shit up for a minute… This is what really happened that night…" Genji began to tell the tale as Kool-Aid Man bled to death near Erika.

*Flashback #2*

~Sometime before this year, 9:00 p.m.

Genji was the culprit… Genji-san had done the impossible….

RONOUE GENJI DIVIDED BY UMINEKO!

Beatrice: What wonderful magic… I shall turn over all of my magic to you; Genji-san is the true successor to the head! Tell me, how the hell you pulled that off?

Genji: Fairly easily. Let me explain…

{The explanation required exactly 1 hour and 29 minutes.}

It was then that Genji succeeded Beatrice, and thus he was proclaimed as the new Witch of Division: Genji-trice!

Then there was one place this man needed to visit…

Genji-trice: Yo Master! I know you're still alive in there! Open the door plz!

Kinzo: Who dat is?

Genji-trice: The new Beatrice! And plus the new person who divided by Umineko!

Kinzo: (swings door open) Oh wtf? I promised to have sex with the person who could find the answer to this plot! That is the purpose of this short series right?

Genji-trice: Well yeah, isn't it?

{Both of them deadpanned at the camera, and broke the Fourth Wall wonderfully.}

Genji-trice: (pats his blonde hair) Then get yo ass in the bed! I have the official answer!

Kinzo: Hot damn! Then tell me… (Genji whispers him the answer inaudibly) Well… looks like I'm getting' f&%#ed to-nite!

Genji-trice: OH YEAH!

Kinzo: OH YEAH!

Kool-Aid Man: OH JYEAH!

*Flashback #2 End*

"And that's what had happened." Genji finished speaking while everyone stood there shocked for their own reasons. "Yep!" Kinzo said from behind Natsuhi.

"So Yeah… Well I guess Natsuhi can't be paired with Kinzo… okay…" Lambda said in a small voice. "I fold." Erika said and she left out through the main door of the court. It was later confirmed that she tripped onto a very sharp hoe that was left out in the rose garden. Yes she died, and no, it was not a tragedy.

"Yeah so he's Beatrice, not me," Beatrice said. "I want my name to be Rayquoanda. See ya later." The blonde witch erased her form. The other mythical people followed suit.

And then there was one…

Battler was the last person left.

He was traumatized, humiliated, and very scared. But most of all confused…

And then he knew…

The answer to all of the mysteries on Rokkenjima and the truth about Beatrice was…

"Spaghetti…" The young man said silently to himself…

And then gold butterflies surged all around the empty court, and a figure formed in front of Battler.

It was Wee-trice. Luigi/Weegie, the great which of Spaghetti.

"For one thousand years I have been searching all of Mario World to find the one who knew the truth," Wee-trice told the teen solemnly. "You… You idiot!" Battler wailed as Wee-trice gave a sigh. "That riddle was way too damn hard… Why didn't you just tell me…?"

"Ushiromiya Battler. I am going to kill you now…" Wee-trice said in a soft tone while speaking with the red.

"The next riddle, the true riddle, is to solve the Multiplication of Umineko."

Battler died gently, and it was indeed, a true (temporary) TRAGEDY!


End