It felt good to be back in the BAU, there was no denying that. Though she did find herself missing Hotch immensely. There was a certain irony that he had been assigned to head over to Afghanistan shortly after she had rejoined the BAU, yet she couldn't help but worry about him as the weeks dragged on. She knew the danger of Afghanistan all too well.
And she knew that Morgan and Penelope were working on something behind her back. The lack of trust should have made her angry, instead it just left the bitter taste of sadness in her mouth. And it was only two weeks since her return. Will had told her that it would take time for her to get accustomed to the team once more, that she just had to relax and let things happen naturally. Which didn't explain the vague unease she felt around Spencer, why she listened to him every week and still didn't feel comfortable with his grief.
The door to Rossi's office opening caught her attention, and she glanced up to see him walk out and look around the bullpen. Their eyes met and he gave her a weary smile before ambling down the stairs and making his way to her side. "How are you holding up, Jen?"
"I've been better, which probably sounds so ungrateful, after all the strings you pulled to get me back here. I just feel like I don't have my bearings yet."
He lowered himself onto the corner of her desk and nodded sagely. "I felt the same way when I returned to the BAU. I know that my absence was a little longer than yours, but time has a way of magnifying gulfs between us. Do you talk to any of your friends at the State Department?"
She shook her head, looking away from him. JJ knew that he would be able to sniff out a lie if she gazed into his eyes for too long. "They're busy with their jobs, you know? Just like we're busy here. I mean, it's only been two weeks, and we've already cleared three cases. I do not remember ever being this busy when we had a full complement of people. Why did we agree to let Seaver transfer to Andi Swann's unit again?"
"Because she needed the change in scenery. She got along well with Andi, and it seemed right to let her go. I don't think that she would have made it here, do you?"
JJ shook her head, thinking about the few times that she had interacted with the young woman while trying to track down Emily and Doyle. While it had been nice to have the outside opinion on their team, there was also something about Seaver that she just didn't trust. It could very well have been how green an agent she was, that she would never trust her to have her back like she did Emily, and Morgan, and Hotch. "Yeah," she finally said, hearing the sudden sadness that crept into her voice, and wishing that she could have masked that.
"What is it, kiddo?" Rossi asked as he reached out and rested his hand on her shoulder, his thumb grazing along her collarbone in a tender, fatherly, manner.
"I really miss Hotch. It's like the center of our team is gone without him here. The center cannot hold, mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."
"Yeats, I'm impressed," he replied, and she looked into his eyes, smirking a little.
"Well, I am well read. Poetry happens to be my guilty pleasure." Rossi nodded, giving her a knowing smile that she fought not to read too much into. "Now, I know that you did not come out of your cave to see me, so…where are you headed to?"
"I have a lunch date today, and she will not be happy if I'm late. Though I'll tell her that it was for a good cause," Rossi said as he pushed himself off her desk. "And before you ask, I'm not about to tell who she is, since you wouldn't believe me, anyway. I'll see you in a few hours."
She nodded and watched him leave, noticing that he turned in the direction of Erin's office before he disappeared from sight. There was no way that he could be having lunch with her, though, not when they despised each other. Shaking her head a little, she bent over the file that she was supposed to be working on and tried to focus once more.
"I'm heading down to the commissary for lunch, Jayje. Do you want to join me?"
Looking up at her clock, she saw that somehow thirty minutes had passed without her accomplishing anything. "I think that would be for the best, Spence," she replied as she pushed away from her desk and stood up. Stretching, she tried to crack her back and relieve some of the tension she was holding there. "So, what do you think we're going to have today?"
"If I had to make an educated guess, I would say sandwiches. Maybe some fruit." She laughed as she followed him out the door, glancing over at Derek's office as they made their way over to the elevators. From the small window next to the door, she could see that Penelope was in there, and that their heads were bent together. "Don't pay them any mind, they're just working out their grief in a different way. You know that Derek and Emily were getting close before she died."
She nodded as they stepped into the elevator, unable to shake the frown on her lips. "I suppose. It's just, Penelope and I were so close, we could tell each other everything. She's the godmother of my child. And I feel like there's this insurmountable wall between us now."
"Leaving has a way of putting up bricks where there once was flowers," he sagely said. JJ turned to look at him, and he gave her a pained smile before looking away. "I tried not to let that wall build between us."
"Thanks," she replied, shaking her head a little. "I wish that things never had to change."
"So do I, sometimes. But then I look back at who I was, before Gideon left, and I know that I could never wish to be that person again. I've grown."
"I have, too," she said hurriedly, and they shared a long look. Without meaning to, she let a few tears slip down her cheeks, and he reached out and wiped one away before giving her a sad smile. "My time with the State Department was not all it was cracked up to be. I know that Strauss's hands were tied, but I wish that I had had more of a choice in the matter. Sometimes, bureaucracy really sucks."
He nodded, chuckling a little. "You picked that phrasing up from Emily."
"I'm sorry?"
"The way you said sucks, how you drew out the s as you shook your head. Emily used to do that all the time. It makes sense, though, that we would pick up the traits of our team, since we're together so often." His smile grew a little shy as he looked down at the floor. "It's kinda nice, though, to keep pieces of our friends close at hand."
"That it is," she replied as the elevator came to a stop. "So, let's go have lunch and talk about what else we remember about our friend Emily."
