Please skip to the author's notes at the end for trigger warnings for this chapter!
She's not going to lose me. She's never going to lose me. Haymitch probably had no idea what he was doing when he said that to me. There's no way I could possibly replace Katniss's entire family, but I can absolutely make sure that she knows she's loved from here on out, and loved very much.
The brief but rather groundbreaking conversation Katniss and I had while doing dishes also revealed a lot about her personality to me. I already knew how nurturing she was, and that her actions often spoke much louder than her words. But it also showed me just how far she's come spiritually in the couple months I've known her. Finnick has told me about people like this, who visit a church once or twice and then jump right in with both feet. People who are so spiritually starved, that once they get a taste they can't seem to get enough. Katniss seems to be similar, but there's still a part of her that's very cautious, almost suspicious.
Katniss deems my leg healed enough to reattach my prosthesis about a week later. As much as I sometimes despise my fake leg, I'm relieved once I'm able to wear it again. I was beginning to think I'd have a permanent indentation in my armpits from using my crutches.
As we get further into November, bringing shorter days, falling leaves, and the first light snowfalls to blanket the mountain, I start thinking about what my brother said that day in town. I haven't been home for Christmas since I started school up here. I've justified it by saying I had no real way to get there, as my moped isn't all that great on snowy roads, and Delly and Thom have graciously invited me to spend the holiday with them at his parents' house for the past two years instead.
But if my intention is to marry Katniss someday, and it is, then she'll have to meet my family at some point, and preferably before the day of the wedding. I guess Christmas would be as good a time as any for me to introduce her, since I would hope the joy of the occasion would be enough to keep my mother from, well, being her usual self.
I cringe, thinking of what my mother might say to Katniss when she meets her. My mom has never made it a secret as to what she thinks of "those people" who live up in Seam County. Lazy, stupid, and dirty are just a few of the nicer words she's used in the past to describe them. I feel a flash of my old temper at the thought of her saying any of those awful things to Katniss. I'm not quite sure I could keep my cool if she did. But maybe, if my brothers are there with their significant others, then maybe she'll be in enough of a good mood to stick to small talk. Or, simply stay quiet altogether.
"We can just stay for lunch and presents," I mumble as I pull another batch of cookies out of the oven, setting them on a cooling rack before grabbing the food coloring to mix more frosting. "How much trouble could Mom cause in three or four hours?"
With that decision made, I pull out my phone to text Katniss as soon as my shift is over.
[Peeta] Hey, would you be okay if we went to my parents' house for Christmas? I'd like for my family to meet you.
She doesn't reply for a few hours, which makes me a bit nervous until I hear my phone beep, right in the middle of my Revelation class.
[Katniss] Sorry, I was at work and then Gale called me. His girlfriend just moved out and he was upset.
It's all I can do to not reply back right away, as my professor has a strict No Texting During Class rule. Keeping one eye on the clock, I take my phone back out as soon as class is dismissed.
[Peeta] I'm sorry about your friend. Were you able to help him?
This time she replies right away.
[Katniss] I hope so. He kept asking me when I was moving back there.
The text hits me like a punch to the gut. It'd never crossed my mind that Katniss would ever consider moving back to her hometown. No, you can't go! I need you to stay here with me!
[Peeta] What did you tell him?
[Katniss] I told him I wasn't interested. I like my life here.
Whew! Crisis averted. At least for now. But I'm thinking this is something we should definitely discuss again in the near future.
[Peeta] I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Thanksgiving at Thresh's house is always fun.
[Katniss] I'm looking forward to it. And we're still having group on Friday, right?
[Peeta] Yep! Since everyone said they could be there, there's no reason to cancel it.
[Katniss] Good. See you tomorrow then.
Wednesdays I take the bus to and from school, and as I walk across campus to the bus stop I try to remember everything she's told me about this Gale person. As soon as I get to the corner I pull my phone back out to text her again. It's probably silly, but the fact that he got to talk to Katniss today and I haven't has me feeling a bit jealous.
[Peeta] Hey, can I call you tonight? I miss hearing your voice.
[Katniss] Okay. Is your leg bothering you?
[Peeta] No, my leg is fine. What time should I call?
[Katniss] I need to run to the grocery store, but anytime after 8pm should be fine.
[Peeta] I'll call at 8:30 then, okay?
[Katniss] Okay
It's not until the bus drops me off a block away from the coffee shop that I realize Katniss never answered my question about Christmas. I'll have to ask her again tonight when I call her.
After picking up some tea and a cinnamon roll from downstairs, I head up to my apartment, determined to finish all of my studying so I can have the entire rest of the long weekend off from schoolwork. But I manage to slog through only about half of it before my mind starts wandering. I've heard Katniss mention her friend Gale a few times in casual conversation, but no more often than she's mentioned people she works with or went to school with. But the fact that this guy called her after apparently suffering through a breakup, and asked her when she was moving back closer to him, has me on edge and I don't like it.
Calm down, I think. She's given you no indication that there's any rival for her affections out there somewhere. And she doesn't seem the type to lead anyone on either. But it's still enough to distract me from getting any more work done, so I end up playing a few rounds of Candy Crush until 7pm rolls around and the coffee shop closes. I received permission awhile back from the shop manager to use the kitchen tonight after closing time, so I could bake a couple of pies for Thanksgiving tomorrow. While my little apartment technically has a kitchenette, it doesn't include an oven, so any personal baking I do has to either be downstairs or at someone else's house.
It's 8:25pm by the time the apple and pumpkin pies are done. After managing to find room for them both in my tiny refrigerator, I collapse onto the futon and pull up Katniss's number.
"Hey," I say once she answers. "How was your day?"
"Just a normal Wednesday," Katniss replies. "How was school?"
"Not bad. A couple of my professors don't seem to understand the meaning of 'holiday weekend' though. It seemed like they assigned more homework than usual, to make up for us missing a couple days of classes."
I hear Katniss chuckle. "I'm sure you can handle it. You're smart enough."
"I'm glad you think so," I say, smiling. "Did that guy who said he wanted to learn to shoot like Green Arrow ever come back to see you?"
Katniss laughs, her beautiful, musical laughter that makes my heart skip a beat or three. "Oh yeah, he came back today, more determined than ever..." and she launches into a long story about this guy who's taken two lessons with her so far, absolutely fixated on becoming the next DC superhero. The conversation flows easily, soothing my rattled nerves. When we reluctantly hang up at almost midnight because we're both in danger of falling asleep, I'm feeling a lot better.
Katniss picks me up at 10:30 the next morning for the twenty minute drive to Thresh and Cassandra's house. This is the third year I've been invited there for Thanksgiving, and it's been a blast every single time. Thresh is especially ecstatic today, having learned only yesterday that he won his audition to sing with TobyMac at his concert in Richmond, the week after Easter.
"Thresh!" I exclaim, clapping him on the shoulder. "Congratulations! That's incredible!"
"I couldn't have done it without y'alls help," he says with a huge grin. "And since I won, the show organizers told me that I get thirty free passes for special box seats at the show, to give to my friends and band members. And, my family will have their own seats in the front row." He looks over at Cassandra, who is deep in conversation with Katniss and Rue as they help with the dinner prep. "And Cassandra's already volunteered to be part of the Prayer Team at the concert."
"That's so wonderful," I say. "I'm so proud of you! I mean, what a testimony!"
"Yeah, well, like I said. I wouldn't have done it without your encouragement," Thresh says. "And since you and Delly and Thom were some of the first to encourage me, I'm including all y'all in the special box passes for the show. Y'all get to attend for free. Oh, and Katniss too, of course. There's no way I would've nailed Lose My Soul without her help."
I feel my eyes widen. "Are you sure? What about the band members?"
"Peeta, there aren't thirty band members at our church," Thresh says, laughing. "Unfortunately, Pastor Dale and his family will be on vacation that week, but otherwise there's enough tickets for the entire band and all the rest of who I want to invite."
"Wow, that's so awesome!" I say softly. I've never been to a Christian music concert, and Katniss had said she'd never been to any concerts before. "Thresh, thank you!"
"You're very welc-," he says, interrupted by a loud whooping noise from the kitchen. "Ah, that must mean the food's ready. Rue's a little loud when she's hungry."
Laughing, we follow the ladies into the dining room. Thresh's grandmother, who raised him and Rue and who still lives with them, once again prepared her famous deep-fried turkey and Southern dressing, while Rue's specialties are the collard greens and sweet potato casserole. To my delight, Katniss seems to enjoy herself with everyone, giggling back and forth with Rue, and even joining us all in several rounds of Jenga after we eat, while the football games play on TV in the background. By the time we leave in the late afternoon, loaded down with leftovers to bring over to Haymitch, both Katniss and I are stuffed and in wonderful moods.
The next day is Black Friday, always a very busy day at the coffee shop, as people are constantly coming in to refuel during their marathon shopping trips. I end up working almost three hours of overtime, trying to keep up with the sales out front and still make enough items to sell during the church services this weekend. Well, at least the overtime will cover the tux rental for Thom and Delly's wedding.
Once I'm able to finish everything I drag myself upstairs, fully intending to finish my homework for the weekend. But instead I end up falling asleep for the next couple hours, waking with only enough time to take a quick shower before Katniss is due to arrive. There's four unanswered texts on my phone when I check it, from Finnick, both of my brothers, and my dad. Thank goodness he learned how to text! I reply to them quickly as I get dressed, my stomach rumbling since I haven't eaten anything since early this morning. I'm so grateful Katniss always brings our dinner with her so we can eat together before group starts.
But I'm surprised when I see her truck pull into the parking lot, directly followed by Delly and Thom and everyone else in our small group. I'm even more stunned when Delly pulls a stack of pizza boxes out of the backseat of Thom's car, along with a massive bouquet of mylar balloons. Katniss follows them in, carrying a large box from the bakery located down the street from the elementary school.
"What's all this?" I ask as I hold the door for everyone. For how busy the shop was during the day today, I'm glad it's almost empty now. I don't really enjoy being the center of attention.
Katniss throws me a scowl as she sets the bakery box down on a table. "Someone didn't tell me it was his birthday today," she grumbles. "So when Delly asked me two weeks ago if I was planning anything special for you for tonight, I looked like a horrible person for not knowing that it was, in fact, your birthday today." She glares at me for a few seconds, just long enough for me to gulp a couple of times, then winks as she gives me a warm hug. "Why didn't you say anything?"
I shrug as I kiss her on the forehead. "My family never made a big deal about birthdays," I tell her. "I just didn't think about it."
"Well," Katniss replies. "My family always made a big deal about birthdays. So there. And happy birthday."
"Thank you," I say, a bit sheepishly as I slide my arm around her waist. I better find out when her birthday is, and quick! "Well then, can we please eat now? I'm starving!"
It's really a nice evening with everyone, eating pizza and cake and drinking root beer. Delly starts up a game of sorts by telling us a story about her favorite lessons we've covered in group.
"I mean, who else besides Peeta could compare King Xerxes' selection of Esther as his queen, to the show The Bachelor?" she says, laughing. I feel my face turning red as everyone else laughs, agreeing with her. "That was just plain brilliant." She turns to look at me. "You're going to make a great pastor someday, Peeta."
"Here, here!" Patrick says, raising his root beer bottle. "To the best group leader we could ask for!" I smile sheepishly as a chorus of "here here's" accompanied by the clinking of bottles travels around the table.
Once everyone's eaten their fill of pizza and cake they start to filter out, wishing me a happy birthday as they say their goodbyes. As soon as we're alone I wrap my arms around Katniss, holding her for a long time. "Thank you," I finally say. "Thank you so much. I haven't had a birthday party since I was a little kid."
"You're welcome," she says, her voice muffled against my chest. Then she pulls away slightly, looking up at me. "I got you a present too. It's not much, just a little something-"
I stop her words with a kiss. I can taste the frosting from my birthday cake on her lips and tongue as I hold her tightly against me, my hands resting on the small of her back, hers threaded into my hair. She even got me a cake from a real bakery, instead of the grocery store. What did I do to deserve such an incredible girl? I feel my heart banging against my rib cage as we reluctantly break for air. I am so in love with her it's almost physically painful.
"You didn't need to buy me anything," I whisper, once I feel capable of speech.
Shaking her head, Katniss pulls a box wrapped up with a silver ribbon from her bag, handing it to me. It's from the sweet shop, next door to the medical supply store in town. This must be what she was buying when we ran into my brother and Madge that day. I open the box to find a dozen homemade peppermint candies, neatly stacked in three rows.
"How'd you know I love peppermints?" I ask her, in awe at the thoughtfulness of this simple gift.
A slight blush creeps its way up her neck and she smiles, causing another ripple of warmth to race through my body. "The second time I came to church," she says in a breathy voice. "On the Sunday. You were drinking peppermint tea that night."
"I remember," I say, pulling her close to me again and looking directly into her breathtaking silvery eyes. "I also remember almost burning my tongue on it."
Katniss reaches her small hand into the box, pulling out one of the candies and holding it near my mouth. "I don't think these will burn your tongue," she murmurs, sliding the candy piece past my lips and into my mouth. Then she kisses me, as if she's wanting a taste of the candy for herself. Her lips are warm and soft as her mouth molds perfectly to my own. I feel my knees start to buckle as Katniss makes a tiny whimpering noise. If there was ever a chance I could relive a moment, so far I'd choose this one.
When we finally break apart, I lean down to rest my forehead against hers. I want so badly to tell her how much I love her, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable if she's not ready to say it back to me. I can only hope that she's feeling the same things I'm feeling right now.
"Happy birthday, Peeta," she murmurs.
"It's the best birthday I've ever had, thanks to you."
"Mmm. I had a lot of help."
"You had some help, yes, but I'm still gonna give you all the credit, since everyone else is gone."
She chuckles, pulling my head down for another quick kiss. "Well, since everyone else is gone, can we go upstairs now?"
"Sounds good," I say. I gather up the couple remaining pizza slices and the balloons as Katniss picks up the rest of the root beer bottles. Delly even got me an Avengers balloon. I wonder how much that cost her.
"You know," I say as we climb up the stairs, the minty sweetness of the peppermint still melting on my tongue. "After tonight we'll be out of Marvel movies to watch, unless we move on to the X-men films."
"Really?" Katniss says as she kicks off her boots. "We've made it to the end?"
Kicking off my own shoes, I sit down on the futon, reaching for her to join me. "Yep. Doctor Strange is the last one available for streaming, for the next few months at least."
Katniss tucks her feet up onto the futon and snuggles closer to me. "I haven't seen any of the newer X-men movies yet. Do you have any of them?"
"Actually, yeah, I have two of them. The last one wasn't as good I didn't think." Then I pause, looking closer at Katniss's gorgeous face, with her high cheekbones and clear olive skin. "You know, if you had orangy-red hair and royal blue skin, you could pass for Mystique! Your face is almost the same as hers!"
Smirking, Katniss knocks her shoulder against mine. "Stop it. Flattery won't get you any more peppermints, you know."
"I'm serious!" I say, laughing. I quickly Google a picture of Mystique to show her. "See? She's a bit taller, but otherwise she could be you!"
"Hmm," Katniss says, apparently not convinced. "I always thought Gale kinda looked like Thor." I feel my breath catch in my throat. "Well, he would if he had blond hair and big biceps and could throw a hammer and have it come back like a boomerang. And, if he actually smiled every now and then. He's pretty grumpy most of the time."
"Hmm, that's funny," I reply, trying not to sound a petulant as I feel. I don't really want to hear any more about her guy friend who looks like Thor, even if he never smiles. "So, do you want to go with Doctor Strange, or start on X-men?"
"It's your birthday, you should pick," Katniss says
"Alright. Then let's watch Doctor Strange, so we're caught up with the MCU. We can start with X-men tomorrow night."
Grabbing her bottle of root beer, Katniss burrows into my side, hinting at me to wrap my arm around her. "Sounds good."
I've only watched Doctor Strange a couple times, but I do remember the car crash scene being quite realistic and nerve-wracking. I notice Katniss tensing up as it approaches, so I tighten my arm around her, planting a quick kiss to her temple. Her right hand is resting on my chest, with her left hand still holding her root beer bottle.
But as soon as the Lamborghini drives off the edge of the mountain Katniss starts to scream, her hand fisting tightly into my shirt, ripping out at least half of my chest hair. The soda bottle drops from her hand with a loud clank, spilling all over the floor as she buries her face into my neck, crying and convulsing with fear. I slam the laptop closed and shove it onto the coffee table, wrapping both arms around her as tight as I can without hurting her.
"Hey! Hey, hey, hey, I've got you!" I say, practically shouting to be heard over her screaming. "It's okay! It's okay, I'm here! I've got you!" Her body's stiff as a board and her hands are scrabbling between my neck and chest, trying to hold on. "I've got you, love. It's okay, I've got you!"
She pulls back suddenly, her grey eyes unfocused and widened in panic, her entire body trembling violently as tears stream down her face. I cup her face with one hand, pressing my forehead into hers, kissing her nose and cheeks over and over. "It's not real," I soothe, repeating it over and over. "Whatever you saw, it wasn't real."
"Peeta," she stutters after a couple minutes, her voice hoarse from screaming and her tears dripping onto my shirt. The iron grip on her body relaxes a little, her head dropping against my chest. "Peeta! I'm sorry... I-, I spilled my pop all over your fl-"
"You have nothing to be sorry for," I admonish, interrupting her. "Good grief, you just had a panic attack or something! You don't need to worry about some spilled soda!" I kiss her forehead, running my hand up and down her back in what I hope is a comforting way. I feel her sigh against me, relaxing a little more with each swipe of my fingers. We sit there for several minutes as her breathing slows down and her body continues to relax. "Would it help to talk about it?"
Sniffling, Katniss sits up enough to look at me. "It's what happened. To my dad, and my sister. The car crash is what killed them."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," I whisper, planting more kisses across her forehead. "If it's still too painf-"
"Why?" she cries. "Why did they have to die, Peeta? Why?"
"I don't... I don't know, love, I-"
"And why didn't I die too?" she asks. "Prim, she had all these plans. She wanted to become a doctor, to help people!" Her body is tensing up again, her voice rising, tears streaming down her face. "She was the one who should've lived! Not me!"
"Shhh," I say, helpless to think of anything better after a statement like that. I can feel my heart tearing into pieces at the torment she must be feeling. I stroke her back, rocking her like she's a small child. "Shhh, don't say things like that."
"Why not?" she demands, her voice muffled in my chest. "She was so much better than me. Her and my father both. And if she would've lived, my mother would still be alive too, I just know it!"
"There's no possible way you could know that," I say, as gently as possible. I take her face into my hands, brushing her tears away with my thumbs. "There's no way you can know that."
The look of agony on her face is almost too much for me to bear. "Why, Peeta? You keep telling me that God loves me, and wants what's best for me. I read that entire Bible you gave me, and there's all kinds of stories in there about how good and merciful God is. But if he's so good and merciful, why would he take almost everyone that I love from me?"
And there it is. The huge question that people always ask when they're hurting. Why indeed would a loving and merciful God allow an accident that would kill a young girl's family? I asked Finnick this same question a few years back, after my own accident.
Taking a deep breath, I tell her the same thing Finnick told me. "I don't know." Katniss scoffs and tries to pull away from me, but my arms lock around her, holding her in place. "I don't know, Katniss, because I'm not God. No one knows the answer to that question except him. But," and I nudge her to look at me. "But what I do know, is that God will take a tragedy, like what happened to your father and sister. He will take it and he will turn it around, and good will come from it." She immediately shakes her head, so I cup her cheek to hold her still. "Something good will come from it, Katniss. It will. There's no way of knowing how, or when, but it will. And that I can promise you."
She shakes her head again, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just don't see how that's possible."
"Well, maybe you can try telling me what happened, for starters?" I say quietly. "And then I'm going to pray for you."
Katniss is quiet for a while. I sit patiently, rubbing her back up to her neck and down, trying to convey how much I love her without using words.
Finally, she nods. "Okay."
"All right," I tell her. "But you can stop at anytime, if you need to."
"Okay," she repeats. I shift us so we're sitting more upright, with her legs laying across my lap so she doesn't need to look directly at me. She leans against me, grabbing a fistful of my shirt.
"My mom's parents were both pharmacists, and they owned a little independent pharmacy when my mom and her older brother were little. It was pretty successful, and they both expected that one of their children would grow up and go to pharmacy school so they could take it over. But my mom's brother joined the Army right out of school, and then got killed in the line of duty five years later. My mom fell in love and married my dad right after she graduated from high school. My dad grew up in Seam County, and was the son of a lumberjack. My mom's parents felt like he was beneath them, so after my mom and dad eloped, they disowned her and ended up selling their pharmacy to CVS when they retired.
"We didn't have a lot of money growing up. My dad's salary as a lumberjack was barely enough to pay the rent on our little home, so my mom occasionally worked as a pharmacy tech at the Rite Aid down the street to help make ends meet. Sometimes things were so tight, if it wasn't for my dad hunting during his work breaks, we wouldn't have had any food that night. But both of my parents loved me and Primrose, and I never felt like we were missing out on anything."
She pauses, swiping at her eyes. "Hey," I whisper. "You don't have to-"
"No, it's okay," she interrupts. "I just need a minute."
"Okay, take your time. I'm not going anywhere."
Nodding, she sniffs a few times, tightening her hand on my tear-soaked shirt. "Prim wanted to go and see a movie for her birthday. I'd only been to a real movie theater once in my life, so I was excited to see it too. My mom at the last minute decided not to go, she was called into work or something, so it was just my dad and me and Prim. We even got some popcorn to share.
"It started to rain during the movie, and while we were driving home it was pouring so hard my dad had to slow way down so he could see the curves in the road. We were only about ten minutes from home when he rounded another curve, and the SUV appeared right in front of us."
Her hand in my shirt tightens even more, pinching some of my skin in with the fabric. I jump, sliding my fingers into her hand instead, feeling her squeeze them painfully together. "Some kid my age was driving that SUV, Peeta! She was trying to pass another car in a no passing zone, and was way over in our lane when she hit us!"
Fresh tears fall as she looks up at me, her watery grey eyes begging me to make it all go away. I lean in, kissing her on the forehead and blotting her tears with the sleeve of my shirt, kicking myself for not having a box of tissues within reach.
"Katniss, you don't have to-"
"Stupid, selfish, girl who was in a hurry," Katniss sobs. "Why are people so selfish, Peeta? Why?"
"I don't know, love," I whisper. "I wish I had a better answer to give you, but I don't." But, I'm selfish too. I'm selfish because I'm relieved you weren't killed in that accident too. "Were you badly hurt in the crash?"
She shakes her head, holding up her right arm. "No. A lot of bumps and bruises, and a broken arm and index finger. Our car had flipped, landing on the roof. It started leaking oil before the paramedics arrived. I was in the front seat next my dad, and Prim was in the back. They were able to get me out right before the fire started, even as I was screaming at them to go for Prim first. She was only fourteen years old, Peeta! She didn't deserve to die!"
I squeeze her to me, rocking her and blotting her face. "Katniss-"
"And then my mother just stopped functioning after they died. Once I got out of the hospital, she just laid there on the couch all day long. Not doing the housework, or going to work. Not suing the other driver's insurance so we could at least get the funerals paid for. Not applying for death benefits from my dad's job before the deadline passed, leaving us with nothing. She laid there, her eyes glassy and staring straight ahead, but not really seeing anything.
"I went back to school about three weeks after the accident. I hid everything from my teachers. The school assigned me a counselor, but I refused to see him. I was still only seventeen, and I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to my mom because I was scared they would take me away. Once my hand and arm healed, I wrote to everyone I could think of asking for money for rent, including all the churches I could find in the phone book. I got an after school job working with Gale, who was also a lumberjack. He paid me in cash under the table so I didn't have to report my income. Me and mom barely survived, but we did. I made sure we did."
"You're a survivor," I murmur. "And one of the strongest people I've ever seen. But no one should have to shoulder all that responsibility so suddenly, especially when you were still trying to recover yourself."
Chuckling bitterly, Katniss shrugs her narrow shoulders. "Well, no one asked me if I wanted it, but no one else seemed to want it either. I'm not sure my mom even knew I was there most of the time."
"Do you know if our church was one you called," I ask. "When you were looking for help?"
"Uh huh," she says, rubbing her nose into my chest. "Mountainside sent us enough money for a month's rent and some groceries. They were one of only two churches outside of Seam County that even called me back."
Despite the overwhelming sadness filling the room, I smile at the fact that our church chose to help Katniss, a perfect stranger at the time, when she needed it the most. Mountainside prides itself on giving back to the community, and examples like this help illustrate the depth of that commitment.
"I applied for low-income health insurance for us on my eighteenth birthday," Katniss continues. "I'd call doctors and make appointments for Mom, but I could never get her to actually keep any of them, and I couldn't take her since I was working so much, and had no car. I had to force her to eat and help her bathe. Losing my father and sister caused her to just shut down, and nothing I did or said had any impact on her at all.
"Finally, a little over a year ago, she started to improve. She actually went to one of the doctor appointments that I made for her and got a prescription for some medicine. About two weeks after she started taking the medicine, I came home from work and found her in the kitchen, actually cooking food."
Katniss pauses, her lower lip quivering. "But then, about three weeks later, I came home and found her on the couch, and I-, I couldn't get her to wake up. I screamed and yelled, and begged and pleaded, but she wouldn't wake up." I tighten my arms around her as my heart sinks, bracing for the worst.
"She had recovered from her debilitating depression, just enough to realize that she could end her life with her new medicine," Katniss spits out. "So she did."
She slumps against me, exhausted. I don't speak for a few minutes, my mind swirling with everything she's told me. A whole chorus of emotions are rippling through me. Guilt. Sadness. Pain. Longing. Fear. For so long, I thought I'd gotten such a bad break when I lost my leg. Sure, I'd had a few nightmares about it, especially right after it happened. But I still have friends, a family, school. Katniss thought she had nothing. Her entire family was gone, and she thought she had nothing left. She's been working so hard since then to only survive. I need to prove to her that she can live again.
"You're not alone, Katniss," I whisper. "God knows how sad you are. He knows how much you grieve for your family. And he wants to help." I move my fingers under her chin, raising her head up so I can look into her silvery eyes. "And I want to help you, too. I'm here, and I want to help you."
Sighing, she ducks her head again, leaning back against me. "You already have," she whispers. "I hadn't laughed, or even smiled at all since⦠until I met you."
"You have such a beautiful smile," I say, kissing the top of her head. "I'm so blessed I get to see it."
Inhaling shakily, Katniss nods against my chest. "After my mom died, I couldn't stay in that house anymore," she says, wiping her eyes. "So I moved into a spare room in Gale's house for a while." I feel my arms stiffen slightly, but Katniss doesn't seem to notice.
"Then one day, Gale came home and said he couldn't have me working for him anymore. His new girlfriend had gotten fired from her job, and he needed my job for her. I walked out of his house that night. I spent a few nights at a shelter, then a couple of weeks in a tent in the woods until I tracked Haymitch down and asked if I could come and live with him. Haymitch isn't really my uncle, he was just a good friend of my dad's growing up, but he's the closest thing I ever had to another relative."
"I'm very grateful Haymitch was there for you," I say. "And I'm sure it's helping him to have you there as well."
"Hmph," Katniss mumbles. "Most of the time I feel like an indentured servant at his house."
Remembering the brief conversation I had with Haymitch, I shake my head. "No. He cares about you. He may not show it in the most conventional way, but he does care about you. And so do I."
"I know," she replies, burrowing impossibly further into me. "I know you do."
"Can I pray for you now?"
"Mmmhmm."
Taking a deep breath, I press a quick kiss to her forehead. "Dear Heavenly Father. Thank you so much for Katniss. Thank you for her kind heart, for her strong spirit, and for her willingness to help people. Lord, I ask that you help her with her grief. I ask that you help take this huge burden of grief from her shoulders, and that you give the people who love her wisdom to help her as well. I ask that you help her learn to remember her sister, and her father and mother, not with sadness, but with joy. Joy for the years that she did have together with them. And, I ask that you help her remember how much you love her, and that you have a plan for her life, and that your plan is perfect. In Jesus' name, amen."
There's no sound except the quiet humming of my computer once I'm finished. Katniss's head feels heavy on my chest, and as I shift a little on the futon I hear her inhale and exhale deeply. She's fallen asleep in my arms.
"Oh Lord," I whisper. "Please don't let her ever forget how much I love her. I know I can't replace her parents and sister, but help me to show her how much she's loved. Help me to be what she needs me to be for her. In Jesus' name, amen."
This chapter contains trigger warnings for a fatal car accident, and also for debilitating depression with resulting suicide. Please be aware of these triggers as you are reading.
I know this chapter is a bit of a beast, and it was hard for me to write, but I absolutely needed the lighter parts to balance out the heavy stuff at the end. Our poor Katniss was really put through a lot. :(
I'm very much looking forward to what you guys think of it. :)
