A/N: So here's Chapter 7. Brace yourselves - this story will be twelve chapters long, so we're slowly approaching the end. :) Really hope you'll enjoy this chapter. I'd love to know your thoughts on this one. Thanks so much for reading!
Chapter Seven
Anna pulled her shawl closer to her body as she opened the backdoor and the crispy night air met her. She looked around, enjoying the quiet atmosphere, and thankful that the moon was bright enough so that everything wasn't very dark. She sat on a bench at the porch, shivered slightly and took a deep breath. She knew this was the beginning of the end.
Her secret was out.
She told Nellie the truth. She couldn't find excuses and she didn't want to; Anna felt she owed her sister that much. Nellie was shocked, surprised and fearful of their father's reaction if he ever found out, and after recovering from the initial shock, she promised Anna secrecy on this. And while Anna was ever so grateful for that, the feeling that things were beginning to fall apart was enough for her to full her mind with the worst possibilities. After her talk with Nellie, she went to the bedroom she shared with John, finding him already asleep on the floor. She changed her clothes and hoped sleep would find her, but it didn't happen. She had too much on her mind.
John would have to leave soon. She needed to tell him that. When she made this proposal to him, she had thought of only a few days there – perhaps a week? – but they were there for only three days and someone already found out. And things were going so well – John proved to be a very honourable man, not ever disrespecting her or even trying to take advantage of the situation. Not once he touched her without her touching him first; not once he asked indiscreet questions; not once he looked at her with prejudice, or disgust. And she couldn't deny to herself – for she was never one to deny her own thoughts – that he was, little by little, captivating her. With a look, a smile, or even simple actions.
She trusted Nellie, and she trusted John. But for the first time in her whole life, Anna wasn't sure she could trust herself.
Anna closed her eyes briefly, remembering the events of the day. He was so lovely to her – he took her teasing with playful retorts, and he was smart and funny, she found out, as he opened himself to her. There was so much she didn't know and he was already making his way into her heart. There was only one thing she could do to stop him, but she didn't have the heart to tell him he needed to leave, not so soon. Still, the chances were many, and the outcome of this could either be successful or a complete failure.
She sighed at her thoughts. He was her only chance of having a normal life – and she needed that. Her child would need that.
Feeling a bit emotional after everything that happened in the past hours, Anna didn't stop her tears from falling down. How could her life become so crazy, all of sudden? What did she do to have this? She sniffed lightly, thinking of all the responsible actions she always made, of how she always tried to reason others. People would laugh if they knew the poor decision that made this all happen.
"Anna?"
The quiet whisper made her jump on her seat; she turned around and saw John at the door and relief flowed through her. She definitely wouldn't have wanted to explain tears to her mother or her father. She pursed her lips and tried on a smile, even though she knew it did not reach her eyes. She wiped her tears away, and looked at him. His hair was a bit messy, which gave him quite a different image than what he normally presented her with - but Anna found it comforting. He wasn't holding his cane, and but somehow he managed to make his step quiet. He seemed to be a bit concerned.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I got a little worried that you weren't there."
He really was such a nice man.
"I can't sleep, so I came here to think a little."
"Oh. I'll leave you to your thoughts, then," John said quietly.
"You can stay, if you want to," Anna said a bit too quickly, "There's... there's something I'd like to talk to you about. If you feel like talking, that is."
"It's alright," he said, walking slowly towards the bench and sitting beside her, "It'll take me a while to sleep now, anyway."
Anna nodded absentmindedly, staring at the moonlit porch around them.
"Nellie knows," Anna said at last, her voice almost as quiet as a whisper, "She knew that we were not sleeping together and she heard us talking before she came in this evening."
John nodded thoughtfully, and Anna turned to look at him. His eyes urged her to go on.
"I told her the truth. I couldn't lie to her," she told him, "She said she wouldn't tell anyone about this. I'm sorry, this shouldn't have happened. But I do trust her."
"You have nothing to be sorry for," John told her quietly, "She's your sister. And she seems to be a good friend as well. If you think she can be trusted, that might be a good thing, after all."
Anna nodded, "I think so too, yes," she took a deep breath, "She... I didn't tell her the whole story. All the details. She... She looked so disappointed. And she said something... Well, she's right, even with the circumstances... I already knew that, but it's different when someone else says it."
He was looking at her with such honesty, so raw and with no prejudice at all that she felt tears in her eyes again. He didn't say anything, and somehow that only made things more difficult.
"She wanted to know who he was," Anna said, her voice almost as low as a whisper, "She wanted to know why I'd give myself away like that. What could I tell her? I... I didn't know him. I didn't know him at all," she said, shaking her head vehemently, "His... His name is Edmund Lloyd. I don't know much about him."
She ventured a glance at John, and he didn't look away. Could she dare to tell him about what happened, when she hadn't had the courage to tell Beth or Mrs. Hughes? Could she bear to look him in the eye after telling him this? All the same, she couldn't keep this to herself, not anymore – there was nothing to be done, except to move on, but she doubted she'd ever be able to do so while keeping this inside.
She couldn't tell him.
"How can you still look at me like that knowing the truth?" she asked in a whisper, "That I'm... no more than a fallen woman. No more than a slut, no more than..."
"Don't say that," he interrupted her; his tone wasn't harsh – on the contrary. His voice held such softness and his eyes were still so kind. "I think... I think we both know that you're not like that, Anna. You would never be like that," his voice was strong and closed her eyes briefly, feeling touched by his kindness, "You were... You were forced, weren't you?"
She opened her eyes immediately, meeting his gaze; shocked at his question, she did nothing more than blink – a tear fell, then two, then three – and she nodded, closing her eyes at the memory. He knew, and she didn't even tell him.
"I was... I was so stupid," she managed to say, "He was... He was a visitor at the house. Lord Grantham had some kind of business with him in London. He said he was lost, he said that he couldn't find his room, and it was late and he couldn't find anybody else," she told him in a rushed tone, new tears falling from her eyes, "And I was so stupid to believe in him. It was my entire fault. If I hadn't believed in him, I..."
"Don't put the blame on yourself, Anna," John interrupted her, his eyes suddenly fierce, burning with something she didn't quite know what was, "This... This man had no right to do this to you and I daresay he would have managed to do it even if you had behaved differently. You did nothing wrong. Alright?"
Anna nodded, closing her eyes again, not daring to look at him; she tried to control her sobs, but it was so incredibly difficult to do so; there was it. He knew now. How would she be able to talk to him, to look at him now? As new tears fell down her cheeks she tried to control them, to wipe them away with the back of her hand, but there was no use. Suddenly she felt two soft hands on her shoulders and she willingly let herself be pulled closer to him; his body was so comfortable against hers and his hands were so gentle on her back; everything about him felt good, so unlike the other man's hands, or his voice, or his skin. He was so caring and understanding. Anna leaned against John, his embrace prompting her to let her quiet sobs out freely; glimpses of memories she'd rather forget flashed upon her eyes – a hand clasping her mouth shut, preventing her from screaming; a strong, rough hand against her throat. She fought, but she couldn't have escaped him.
"I tried to scream," she said as her sobs subsided a little, "but I couldn't. In the end, I was... I couldn't scream. I had no voice."
She thought she saw him wincing, but perhaps it was just her blurry vision; he just sat there, beside her, comforting her, making her feel better – and Anna realised that this talking, sharing this torment with someone else even made her feel a little better. She never had the heart to tell anyone about this – not Mrs. Hughes, not the doctor, not even Nellie. Whenever she thought about it, the memories were too much – and she felt as if she had no voice, once again. But with him she felt at ease – she trusted him. And as much as she thought he didn't deserve to know about her troubles, she felt relieved for talking about this.
"I'm so sorry for telling you all this," she said, pulling away ever so slightly to look at him in the eye, "I feel... I feel so lucky to have you here. I think I would have gone insane without you. But this is... my problem. Not yours. I'm sorry."
His smile was sad; he took a strand of her hair off of her face, putting it behind her ear, and, for a brief moment – a brief moment where his gaze focused on her lips – she thought he was going to kiss her. She was wrong, however, because he was just simply looking at her. She felt a bit stupid for thinking he would ever try to take advantage of her. She knew he wouldn't, especially not after this conversation, and she felt relieved because of it.
"You're such a strong woman, Anna," he said in a whisper, "You have my admiration. And I have faith that this will only make you stronger. No one should go through what you did."
Anna smiled gratefully, leaning into him once more. Her tears were drying off quickly, and she was starting to feel overwhelmed about everything. They didn't say anything else, just sat there, listening to an owl hooting in the distance. The conversation rendered Anna tiredness, and soon she felt her eyelids getting heavy. Sensing this, John sat upright and pulled Anna away from him.
"We should sleep," he said, his eyes tired as well, "It's very late."
Anna nodded, standing up as he did the same, "You should sleep in bed tonight. To prevent any other occurrences."
He nodded at her whisper, "Are you sure?"
Anna nodded quickly, "Yes. I trust you."
They walked quietly around the house, discovering it as quiet as before; as John closed the door behind them and Anna rubbed her eyes sleepily, she caught him staring at her. His gaze didn't seem out of pity or sad – it seemed understanding. Slipping into bed, she smiled shyly at him. He soon followed her, lying on the opposite side of the bed as he bid her good night.
"Good night," Anna whispered, "And thank you."
