Thrawn would have stayed with Eli, but he needed a moment alone. He could feel himself on the verge of a break, and he did not want Eli in the room if he did.
The door to the room where Eli had isolated himself stood open. Thrawn paused in the doorway, his eyes drawn to the blood drying on the floor and the wall and the bunk. It needed to be cleaned, his mind said absently. Silently, he went and retrieved cleaning supplies, kneeling on the floor as he scrubbed the room, removing all traces of the violence that happened there.
It was quick work despite his distracted mind. As he finished, he looked down. His hands were stained with Eli's blood.
He was stained with Eli's blood.
He stared as his hands began shaking, and the muscles of his chest squeezed his lungs and his heart until he gasped for air. What had he done? What had he done?!
There had been no choice, logic told him. Eli had been violated by an unknown alien creature, one that proved dangerous and resentful. It had to be stopped at all cost. Given what little information he had, Thrawn could not assume that the parasite could be forcefully removed without damage to the host. It seemed to implant itself along the spine, most likely using its hair-like appendages to wrap itself within the spinal cord in order to control the host. Trying to remove it manually may have resulted in Eli's death anyway.
At least with what he did, he was able to bring him back.
Bring him back.
Thrawn fell forward on his hands, barely able to hold himself upright. How was it that after all he had been through, all he had done, all he had seen, this was unraveling him? He never lost control, but now, he couldn't seem to find it. He had maintained some semblance of it, for Eli's sake, and as a last ditch effort to bring himself back together; but it was nothing but smoke. And now that smoke was drifting away, leaving the truth exposed.
He buried his face in his hands, raking his fingers through his hair, not caring about the blood. He was guilty of it, and no matter how hard he scrubbed, it would never be gone.
This was the first time he had grown this close to someone since his brother. Jorj Car'das was a good friend, of course; his first exposure to and connection with humanity. But Thrawn has spent very little time with him compared to the years he and Eli had worked together, getting to know each other, learning the little habits and ways of thinking of the other. Perhaps that was why this was hitting so hard. He had never allowed himself the chance to properly grieve his brother, and now he nearly lost another...both because of him...
A scream tore out of him, wild and savage, filled with raw pain and years of pent up emotion. He clawed at his chest, desperately wishing he could remove the source of agony buried deep within him, freezing him and burning him at the same time. It was this sort of weakness that could get others killed, or even himself. This vulnerability was potentially devastating. It could bring the work of years, decades, a lifetime, crashing down in blazing destruction.
Yet, if he removed that, would he also remove that which made him who he was? Embracing emotion was never the answer, but neither was denying it altogether. His brother had often teased him for being too soft, when they were young. It was something children had to grow out of, to learn how to keep in its proper place. Thrawn had learned, as all children did. And he saw with greater clarity than most the importance of comprehending the wider picture, the destination at the end of the road, accepting that sometimes that road had difficult and unpleasant passages that must be endured for a higher purpose.
But could he truly bring himself to the place where he was so closed off, so cold, that no one could approach his core? His heart? Would he truly be able to defend his people—or anyone—if he removed all trace of compassion? Even if it was done in the name of protecting those he cared about or achieving a higher goal?
Was it possible to act in the name of love—whether for a person or an entire people—if the love itself was taken away?
He felt himself standing at the edge of a gaping maw, a great emptiness spread out before him, beckoning him to jump. And he knew that if he jumped, he would lose himself forever.
He had been here before. It knew how to tempt him. He stood there for a long time, gazing, contemplating, weighing the options. But in the end, he turned away. He could not do that. Not now.
He knew this wouldn't be the last encounter.
With a shuddering sigh, he opened his eyes. They were on the shuttle. Eli was sleeping. Alive, but sleeping. Thrawn pushed himself to his feet. They had to move. Eli needed proper medical attention, and there were still the issues brought up on the data stick that needed addressing. And he knew just where to go.
After putting everything away, including locking up the cylindrical tube that held the parasite, Thrawn checked briefly on Eli before settling into the cockpit. As soon as they were on course, he could return to Eli's side.
Eli dozed, but as exhausted as he felt, he could not sleep. His throat hurt like crazy, and every time he closed his eyes, visions of what happened haunted him.
But that voice was gone. Blessedly and forever gone. He shuddered at the thought of one of those creatures in him. He hadn't actually seen what they looked like, and he wasn't sure he wanted to.
A muffled cry broke the silence, and Eli's eyes flew open, his heart pounding wildly. Had that been Thrawn? He was pretty sure it hadn't come from himself. And yet he had never heard such a sound from the stoic Chiss, either. It was terrifying, and suddenly the stories he had heard growing up flooded his mind as they had the day he first saw him.
His eyes were rooted on the door, half wondering, half fearing that Thrawn would enter. What state would he be in? Would Eli be safe? Thrawn never lost control.
So what would happen if he did?
And what would make him lose control?
Even in the midst of their fight earlier, Eli had trusted Thrawn implicitly. He had known that Thrawn would do everything possible for the best outcome. And he had succeeded, hadn't he?
Eli's stomach knotted painfully. After seeing Thrawn working through many different types of situations, he had come to the conclusion that nothing could break him. The Chiss was as firm as bedrock.
But even bedrock could crack under the right conditions. Had Eli pushed him to that point?
Because the fact of matter was that none of this would have happened if Eli hadn't contacted Thrawn in the first place. He threw his arm over his face, groaning quietly. Had he just inadvertently broken one of the most brilliant minds in the galaxy, all because he wanted to see his friend again? On top of that, a handful of Imperials were dead and a cruiser destroyed.
He felt like he was choking again, and perhaps it was penance. The pain in his throat spread down to his heart, squeezing it in a vice-like grip.
You should be dead.
He gulped, wincing and whimpering. That thing was gone, wasn't it? Then why did he hear his thoughts with its voice? He was free, wasn't he?
Turning over onto his stomach, he buried his face in the pillow.
When Thrawn returned to the room where he had left Eli, he found the younger man sprawled across the bed, his cheek pressed against the pillow, his breathing steady and even. Despite his seemingly peaceful appearance, Eli's face was pinched, and his hand clutched desperately at the blanket beneath him. As Thrawn stepped closer, he could see the remnants of tears drying on Eli's cheek and on the pillow.
Kneeling down beside the bed, Thrawn carefully inspected the darkening marks beneath Eli's jaw, his fingers barely brushing the skin as he traced the incriminating pattern. Eli twitched slightly, crying out softly in his sleep, and Thrawn pulled his hand back quickly, his mouth flattening into a thin line.
Eli would forgive him, he knew, but he wasn't sure if he could ever forgive himself. Regardless, he would not allow that to paralyze him. This was not the first thing he had done that he regretted, and it would not be the last. Eli was alive, and that was all that mattered right now. He would get him to safety, ensure he received the care he needed, and send him on his way. Then Thrawn would have to return to Coruscant. He had checked for messages while in the cockpit and saw the summons that he knew would come. He had also received updates from the Chimaera and the rest of the Seventh Fleet. They would be ready to depart soon as well. On top of that, he needed to make a report regarding the incident here, as Lieutenant Corma and Captain Ullan and the troopers would be missed, as well as the damaged cruiser.
A low whine pulled Thrawn from his thoughts. Eli had tensed, curling into himself, his face twisted up in pain. Thrawn had given him something to dull the pain earlier. Either it was wearing off far too soon, or Eli's dreams were distressing him. The latter was more likely. He could give Eli something more powerful, something that would send him into a sleep where no dream could touch him.
He started to rise to his feet when Eli began gasping for air, mumbling something unintelligible, his Wild Space accent growing heavier than usual. Sliding forward silently, Thrawn bent over him, placing a hand gently on his shoulder. "Eli," he said, keeping his voice low and calm, "Eli, wake up. You're dreaming. It's only a dream."
Eli turned toward him, but his eyes were only half open, unseeing, and the distress did not ease. In fact, it seemed to increase. His breathing grew erratic, and he fought against Thrawn's hand as if the touch had burned him.
"Eli," Thrawn said more insistently, lowering himself beside the bed again. He brushed a hand against Eli's forehead and cheek, hoping the touch might register enough to snap him out of the nightmare.
It did not. And if he was this deep into it, forcing him awake could be worse.
This had happened to him once as a child. He did not remember the incident himself, but his brother had recounted it to him. In desperation to calm him, Thrass had laid himself down beside Thrawn, holding him gently and using comforting words to calm him as best he could. Eventually he settled down.
A keening wail arose from Eli, and Thrawn felt fear dig a claw deep into his chest. This was not right—this was far from right—but he did not know what to do. Eli was not a child, to be comforted by a familiar embrace. Thrawn's voice and his touch did nothing to rouse him. Would medication help, or could it end up driving Eli deeper into the terror troubling his mind? Or, if left alone, would he escape it on his own?
Could Thrawn stand by and watch while he suffered? Would it be any better if he abandoned him by retreating to the other part of the ship until this was over?
He had just managed to pull himself back together, and now he felt like he was going to crumble again. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, focusing. There really was only one solution he knew had worked for this type of situation before.
Clenching his jaw in determination, Thrawn rose to his feet again. Then, with careful maneuvering, he climbed over Eli and settled himself on the narrow bed between Eli and the wall. Tentatively, Thrawn curled an arm around Eli, recalling his brother's explanation, not entirely confident that it was a good idea to hold someone who might be having a nightmare about being held against his will. Eli flinched, but he did not lash out. Encouraged, Thrawn adjusted his position, propping himself up on one arm so he could actually watch over Eli and monitor his condition.
Whether Eli was conscious of Thrawn's presence or not, he did seem to calm down within a few minutes. Of course, it could have been coincidence as well. Thrawn spoke calmly and quietly to Eli whenever he moaned or grew restless, and he would settle down again. Finally, Eli seemed to slip into a much deeper sleep, as he no longer moved and his breathing deepened.
Thrawn contemplated moving, but he did not want to aggravate the sleeper now that he was finally getting the rest he needed. As it was, he did not actually want to leave. He felt responsible, now more so than ever; and, although he might not admit it aloud, Eli's presence was comforting to him as well. He hadn't realized just how much until Eli was gone. Closing his eyes, Thrawn only now realized how much the events of the past day had worn on him. He was more weary than he knew, and even positioned here between Eli and the wall he was certain he could sleep. Perhaps just a short rest. Yes. In fact, everything would probably be much clearer, and he would be in better control after he slept.
Releasing a long sigh, he allowed himself to slip into unconsciousness.
When Eli awoke, he was shocked to find that he was not alone.
He never imagined that he would wake up to that face beside him. Shifting himself carefully so he could see better, he studied the sleeping Chiss with increasing curiosity. He had never seen Thrawn sleep and couldn't help being fascinated. He looked so relaxed, almost peaceful...
"Please let me know when you are finished observing me, Vanto," Thrawn said dryly, making Eli start in surprise, "so that I may open my eyes."
"Ah, gee, sir, I had no idea you were awake!" Eli admitted, feeling his face and ears turn bright red. Immediately he shuffled back so they weren't so close—not an easy feat in the narrow bed.
Glowing red slits appeared, and Thrawn's mouth curled upward in a smirk. Eli's mouth fell open and then snapped shut as he realized that he had been teased. He resisted the urge to punch Thrawn in the shoulder.
They both sat up carefully, and Eli shuffled back a bit more to give Thrawn some space, trying not to think too hard about the fact that they had shared a narrow ship bed.
"I apologize if my presence made you uncomfortable," Thrawn said, shifting to the opposite end of the bed himself.
"No, no, it's not that!" Eli said hastily. His cheeks were still red, and he was looking anywhere but at Thrawn. "I just...didn't expect it, is all."
"Your sleep was disturbed," Thrawn explained quietly. "I did not know what else to do but to ensure you were not alone."
As Thrawn said it, Eli remembered. Closing his eyes, he shuddered, feeling tears already prickling at the corners of his eyes. The dreams were horrible, replays of prior events and earlier dreams. In each one, either he ended up dead or Thrawn did, and always, always that wretched, cursed voice, laughing, laughing, goading, taunting.
"Eli?"
Catching his breath, he blinked his eyes open to find Thrawn watching him with concern.
"Sorry." He ran a hand across his eyes. "They were horrible. The dreams." He pursed his lips, his throat tightening. "Thank you," he whispered. "For not leaving me alone."
Thrawn looked grim. "How are you feeling?" he asked gently.
"I—" Eli paused, considering the question. "Physically, a little better I suppose. Probably whatever it was you gave me. Somewhat sore. But everything else..." He waved a hand in the air vaguely. "I don't know," he said, his voice breaking.
Thrawn moved closer, tentatively. Eli didn't move. "Do you wish to talk about it now?"
Eli's stomach churned at the thought. "I don't know," he repeated in a whisper. "I don't know if I ever want to talk about it."
Thrawn nodded silently.
"What about you?" Eli prompted, looking up at him and catching his eye. "Are you all right?" The scream from earlier echoed in his mind.
"I am," Thrawn answered slowly. His eyes took on a faraway look for a moment before focusing back on Eli. "I am, knowing that you are alive."
Eli's gaze dropped to the floor. "I'm sorry, sir," he said with a heavy sigh. "This is all my fault."
"Excuse me?"
Eli's head shot up at the intensity in Thrawn's voice. "I, uh, if I hadn't—" he stammered.
"Eli." Thrawn's eyes glinted with such ferocity that Eli shivered. "I forbid you to take any blame of this on yourself." Swallowing noisily, Eli nodded, afraid to do anything different. "This was an unknown scenario. You could not have predicted it." Something passed across Thrawn's face, an emotion or a memory that seemed to draw him away for the briefest moment. His voice dropped as he focused on Eli again. "It is not your fault."
Eli stared at him as Thrawn lowered his gaze, knowing that there was something he wasn't saying. Something that disturbed him. It was the same look he had seen back before all of this had happened. Something had happened recently that upset him.
"Thrawn?"
There was a flicker in those red eyes as they met with Eli's own again.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Eli asked quietly.
Again there was a flicker, and for a moment Eli wondered if Thrawn was going to act naïve and ask him what he meant. Or change the topic altogether. But then Thrawn dropped his head forward, leaning until his elbows rested on his knees, his hands clasped together tightly.
"I do not know what to say."
Eli blinked, surprised yet again. Whatever this was must have really bothered him. "How about start by telling me what happened?" he prodded gently.
Pressing his lips together, Thrawn seemed to debate whether or not he wanted to share the memory. But then he spoke, his voice low and emotionless as he described his recent mission to dissolve a growing rebel cell that had been proving itself a worthy opponent to the Empire, and Eli remembered him mentioning it before, in his work with Pryce. He could tell that he was being given only the most basic details, but that didn't matter. Not at the moment. As Thrawn drew near the conclusion of the most recent battle, Eli could see the tension mounting in Thrawn's body as he sat there, recounting what had happened.
"It wasn't the first time I had come across a being capable of manipulating the Force," he said, his eyes staring straight ahead but gazing into the past. "Far from it. But I had not seen anything like this before, and for a moment—" He stopped, his eyes widening. "For a moment," he continued slowly, "I was frozen in terror." His gaze slid toward Eli. "That does not happen often."
Had the mood not been so serious, Eli would have laughed at the understatement. But it wasn't funny. In fact, it explained the look he had seen in Thrawn's eyes during the attacks by the Force-sensitive parasites. It hadn't so much been anger at being overcome; it had been fear, raw fear at losing all sense of control with no possible way of fighting back.
Eli inched closer, taking a risk by reaching out to place his hand over Thrawn's. Thrawn stared down at where their hands met, the muscles in his jaw tightening visibly. But he did not withdraw.
"What did it say?"
He could feel Thrawn twitch, and the light in his eyes flared. "Its words mean nothing."
Eli gulped, knowing he was getting dangerously close to the line again. He spoke anyway. "If they did, they wouldn't bother you this much."
Thrawn glared at him, and Eli wondered if he would get up and walk out of the room. But he didn't.
"He said he saw my defeat."
Eli's blood ran cold. Thrawn? Defeated? His mouth went dry, and all he could do was stare back.
With a quiet sigh, Thrawn turned away. "Which means nothing," he continued in a monotone voice. "Defeat is always a possibility in my given profession. It is never wise to assume one is invincible."
An incredulous laugh spilled from Eli, and he spoke before he thought, "Except you're as close to that as anyone can get."
Thrawn shot him a stern glare, and Eli shut his mouth, his cheeks growing warm. "No one is perfect, Commander," he chided him.
Eli lowered his head in acquiescence. "I'm sorry, sir."
Thrawn's expression softened somewhat. "I appreciate your faith in me all the same." He slid one of his hands out from under Eli's, placing it on top so that Eli's hand was sandwiched between Thrawn's. "But events here have only pressed the issue that I do not know how to fight against this type of enemy." His shoulders dropped, ever so slightly. "Perhaps the Force creature was correct."
"That was why you asked me about any stories my people might have," Eli said as realization dawned on him.
Thrawn gave him a thin smile.
Eli pressed his lips together, drawing on his memory of anything that might be of use. He scrunched his face as he thought. "Well," he drawled after a minute, "there's one I can think of, but I don't know if it's based on any true facts." Thrawn watched him closely, obviously eager to hear it regardless. With a microscopic shrug, Eli said, "There was a story that was used to keep kids from wandering out on their own in the wilderness. It described a forest where there were creatures who could sense your presence from a kilometer away, and once they locked onto you, you were as good as dead. They could find you no matter where you hid because they could see your living essence like a torch in the night, and it was that which they fed on." He squinted, suppressing a shudder at the lingering fear of such creatures, even though he had long come to realize that they were not real. Maybe. "Anyway, in the same forest there lived another creature that was able to hide its living essence from the other. They hid in the trees, and if you could get in the trees with them, then you would be able to hide from the hunters. But then you'd be stuck in the tree until you died, so it wasn't good either way." He looked back at Thrawn, who now had a thoughtful look on his face. "I don't know if they were actually real," Eli said. "Or if they are, what planet they might be from. I'm pretty sure we didn't have any on Lysatra. There aren't many forests there." He grimaced. "As it is, I don't know for sure if it has anything to do with the Force itself, or if the tree creatures would actually be able to protect someone from Force attacks. But that's the closest thing I can think of, of the stories that I remember."
Thrawn nodded slowly. "Thank you, Eli. That gives me a starting point."
Eli shrugged again, hoping that it really would help Thrawn in the end. He did not like the sound of this defeat any more than Thrawn did.
Finally, Thrawn did withdraw his hands as he stood. "I am going to check on our course, see where we are," he said. "Would you like to join me?"
Eli carefully rose to his feet as well, feeling somewhat stiff. "I think I'm going to get something to eat first," he said. "I'll meet you in cockpit."
Several minutes later, Eli was searching through the stores, looking at his options, wondering if he could even manage eating right now. With a sigh, he turned and leaned against the wall, sliding down it until he sat on the floor. From where he sat, a small locked cabinet caught his eye, and a surprisingly strong twinge of curiosity pushed him to look inside. The key was easily found, and soon he was swinging the door open, crouching slightly to look inside. With a frown, he reached his hand in, his fingers closing around something metal and long. He pulled it out, his eyes going wide the moment he realized what it was.
It was the container with the parasite. He meant to put it right back, but the next thing he knew, he was unscrewing the lid, turning the container so he could look inside.
His scream echoed down the corridor, and Thrawn was there within seconds. "What are you doing?!" he cried when he saw the open container where it had been flung against the far wall. The creature itself was on the floor between Eli and its container, wriggling weakly. Eli was pressed against the wall, his eyes wide, his whole body shaking.
Thrawn pulled out the knife that he had clipped to his belt, jumping toward the alien parasite, slicing it in half lengthwise in one swift motion. The thing stopped moving. At the same time, Eli collapsed.
"Eli!"
Thrawn shoved the remains of the creature back into the container then rushed to Eli's side, picking him up and cradling his upper body in his lap. "Eli!" he called again, his fingers touching his forehead and then drifting down to check his pulse. He was still alive. Breathing a sigh of relief, Thrawn closed his eyes, bending forward to touch his forehead to Eli's gratefully. How had he found the container, and why had he foolishly opened it?
Eli's eyes fluttered open, but the terror from earlier had returned. "Where is it?" he gasped, clutching at Thrawn desperately as he looked wildly around the room.
"Dead," Thrawn said. "It is gone."
Eli covered his face with his hands. "I—I don't know what came over me," he muttered, taking a deep, shuddering breath. "I couldn't help myself, even after I knew what it was. It was like—" He cut himself off, another tremor running through his body.
Thrawn carefully helped him into a sitting position. Eli pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and laying his head on his knees. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had been very close to losing everything. Again. And this time, there might not have been a way out.
"It was dying," Thrawn said quietly, staring at the container where it lay on the floor. "It was desperate."
Eli could not stop shaking. "I can't—I can't—" he moaned, staring blankly ahead, fighting against the images that threatened to overwhelm him. Everything stained red, his hands warm and slick with it. "It was horrible. There was no hiding anything, no more than you can hide anything from your own mind. It just...took whatever it wanted." His fingers slid up into his hair, pulling at it anxiously. "It read my memories, knew my thoughts, my secrets..." Tears spilled over, burning his cheeks, blurring his vision, but it didn't matter. "I couldn't do anything," he murmured, his voice rising with emotion. Imprisoned. Helpless. Hopeless. "I watched as it took everything. I listened as it laughed and mocked me. I tried to fight it. Oh, I tried so hard to fight it!" He face crumbled, and a sob welled up in his throat. "I couldn't! It would hurt me...No, stop! Please, just leave me alone!" He twitched and arched his back, crying out as the memory of the pain resounded through his body.
Hands encased his face, gentle but firm. "Eli!" He shook his head, trying to focus, rapidly losing awareness of what was real. Was this another dream? Please don't let there be a knife in his hand. "Eli!" the voice called again, and he blinked. Glowing red eyes hovered inches from his own, blue face shrouded with concern.
"No! No! Get away!" Eli cried, pushing Thrawn away. "He wants to kill you! You have to leave me!"
The concern darkened with a shock of fear, only for a moment. "Eli, it's all right. The creature is dead," Thrawn assured him, raising his hands in a calming manner.
"No...no..." Eli insisted, taking great effort to look down at his hands. They were empty. Good. "I can't let it happen. You need to stay away from me. He is using me. I won't let him."
"You are free, Eli," Thrawn said, reaching out and grasping Eli by the shoulders. "The creature is gone. It cannot control you anymore."
"It—" Eli's voice wavered. "But it—," he tried again. "I—" Slumping forward, he covered his face with his hands, his breath coming in great gasps. Strong arms enveloped him, holding him up, offering silent support. Eli then collapsed against Thrawn, clinging tightly as everything else released in a flood. The embrace tightened.
Several minutes passed before Eli managed to regain some control over his emotions. "I'm sorry..." he murmured, his voice muffled against Thrawn's chest. He sniffed and brushed his arm across his eyes.
Thrawn straightened, reaching up and lifting Eli's chin. Reluctantly, Eli met his gaze, his breath catching at the sight of tears in Thrawn's eyes. Again. Thrawn took one of Eli's hands and placed it over his own heart. "I am alive," he said softly. Eli could feel the steady beat beneath Thrawn's tunic. Then, taking Eli's other hand, Thrawn placed it over Eli's heart. "You are alive." The fingers of the hand beneath his chin cautiously brushed Eli's throat, and Eli caught the pained expression that flitted across Thrawn's face. "Let us be grateful for that."
Eli met his gaze more steadily this time and held it. "Yes," he said at last, feeling the hint of a real smile at the corner of his mouth. "We are. And Thrawn?"
Thrawn tilted his head.
"You saved my life."
Again, something flickered in Thrawn's countenance, but it was quickly covered. Still, his gaze dropped slightly.
"You did everything you could, and you saved my life." Taking Thrawn's hand, Eli placed it over his own heart, repeating the gesture than Thrawn had done a moment ago. "I know that this is something that will take time to process, and we'll probably both still have nightmares for a while." He raised his eyebrows significantly, and Thrawn grimaced. "Even so, I—" He paused a moment, considering his next words, then continued, knowing them to be true. "I am glad I got to see you. Regardless of what happened here."
Thrawn smiled. A true, heartfelt smile. "I have missed you."
Author's Note: There will probably be one more chapter after this to finish wrapping things up. Thank you, readers, for following along! And thank you especially to everyone who has left comments.
