Disclaimer - One of them were waiting for me. It was bigger than the others, but I had only one option - kill it to survive. The power cables were my alley - it ran into them, voltage casting off it, burn it apart. I laughed. I took my first life, and laughed. What have I become? I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist

The next week started quite frantic for us all. The first day was spent making a plan of action for my project from the Fuhrer (code name, Operation Enduring Resistance),which was hampered by Blackhammer being on leave. Then the next day we found there was a smell in the office and all work had to halt till the source, Blackhammer's sandwich, had been located. The day after, the fifth laboratory exploded.

This all caused a great deal of bother, as the amount of dust this kicked up made a lot of the on duties officers' clothing dirty. This further delayed Operation Enduring Resistance, due to the amount of clothing we had to process over the next few days.

'So, Major, maybe we should take a break?' Blackhammer asked. 'There's a quite a lot of stuff to deal with.' He pointed at the pile of laundry. It had piled up below his neck.

'Private, what would kind of attitude is that? What would your father say if he heard you say such things?'

'I think he'd probably have a cup of coffee with me, Major.' Blackhammer replied.

'Private, your family is extremely bad for using in rhetorical questions.'

'Thank you, sir' Blackhammer saluted.

'Never the less, we must continue undaunted. Let us begin another batch!'

We started to gather up clothing into the water in the transmutation circle, the clean ones folded up to the side. I brought down my hands, and the transmutation light flew around, releasing the dust from the clothes. 'Pull them out Private.' I commanded. He nodded, and began pulling them out by a stick to the next circle.

I surveyed the circle as he placed the trousers within it. 'Private, what does that symbol mean?' I asked, pointing. I was beginning his training, and I was testing if he yet knew alchemical basics.

'I have no idea.' he replied.

'What! Have you learned nothing?' I asked, beginning to shout.

'No sir, I mean I have no idea because I can't see it – there a clothes in the way.' He poked some out the way. 'That's the process of separation, right?' he asked.

'Yes, Private. And what about that one?' I pointed to another.

'Um, oxygen?' He asked hopefully.

'Good guess. It's water, Blackhammer. The symbols are similar though.'

'Am I interrupting something?' came a voice from the door. I looked over to see Corporal Brightsilver peaking through.

'Oh no, Corporal. Come in. Let me get you a chair.' I pulled out a piece of chalk to make the transmutation circle.

However, Brightsilver stopped me. 'No thanks, Major. I just wanted to give you this.' She handed me a file.

'What is it?' I asked.

'You know you asked me to send you copies of any reports from the Fullmetal Alchemist? Well, this one I thought you'd find very interesting.' Corporal Brightsilver grinned.

I opened the report, and my eyes widened. The Fullmetal Alchemist was in Central! And they caused the explosion at the fifth laboratory! So it was they who delayed Operation Enduring Resistance.

I growled with anger. 'Thank you for this, Brightsilver. We shall act on this shortly.'

'Just remember you owe me one.' She replied, leaving. 'See you, Major.'

'So,' I said to Blackhammer, 'The Fullmetal Alchemist is currently in hospital. We have a chance to confront him. But we must act quickly! So, I want you write up a report on the importance of Operation Enduring Resistance and how this explosion has delayed it, and the practical costs of such a delay.'

'Does that mean I can stop doing the washing?' Blackhammer asked.

'Yes.' I replied.

At that, Blackhammer shot up! 'I'll go do it then, sir!'

I finished the remaining laundry over the remainder of the day. The next morning, Blackhammer arrived slightly late. 'Morning, sir.' He said. 'Here's the report.'

'Private, I would complain about your tardiness, if it weren't for the bow you have put on this report.'

'Thank you sir.' Blackhammer saluted.

'Now then, private, I have spent the evening preparing a plan of action. Please take notes.' I pulled out a map of the Central Hospital onto the table. 'Currently, the Fullmetal Alchemist is staying in this hospital bed. He has received damage to his automail, so is unable to perform alchemy, thus leaving him with impaired.' I placed down a dice on the hospital bed. I had to ransack my sons' toys for markers of my plan.

'So, we just go up and talk to him?' Blackhammer asked.

'I fear not! For you see, he is prepared.' I placed two toy soldiers down outside the door. 'The Fullmetal Alchemist has two soldiers outside the hospital room. Worse,' I placed down a teddy bear on the map, 'the Fullmetal's brother, Alphonse Elric, is also present. He is an accomplished alchemist, and a suit of armour. So he will be a great challenge to deal with.'

'What was that you said about a suit of armour?' Blackhammer asked. I ignored his inane question.

'There will also be a mechanic at some point no doubt as well. I guess we can use this toy horse.' I placed it down. 'Finally, there will be multitude other soldiers, doctors and patients. There movements will be impossible to predict.' I poured a collection of building blocks and a few cuddly animals onto the rest of the map.

'So, do you have a plan sir?' Blackhammer asked.

'I most certainly do, private!' I replied. 'The plan is to first wait for Alphonse Elric to leave the room. Then, you will to go in first to make some kind of distraction for the guards. You will make up some kind of excuse to get them away from the door. Here is a list of suggestions,' I handed him the list. 'I advise number 3, personally.'

Blackhammer looked at the list. 'I'm not sure lightening is entirely believable, unless there actually is a storm going on. I'll come up with something, sir.'

'Alright, Private. It'd had better be good. Assuming a success, I will enter and confront the Fullmetal Alchemist.'

'OK sir. Sounds alright.' Blackhammer said.

'Excellent. Then let Operation Souring Eagle commence!'

Blackhammer raised a hand. 'Sir, you said I could name the next Operation.'

'Blackhammer, I only said that because I assumed you'd forget I said it. But very well, you can name it.'

'OK sir.' Blackhammer thought about it for a while. 'How about Operation Hammercloth?'

'Operation Souring Eagle it is! Let's go, Private.'

The operation began well enough. First, Blackhammer performed reconnaissance, informing of the guard posts. However, there we hit a snag. 'So the brothers not leaving the room?'

'No sir. I guess he doesn't need to.' Blackhammer told me. 'You did say he's a suit of armour, right?'

'This means we move to stage 2. Blackhammer – go distract those guards!'

He went off quickly, and I sat in lobby and read the paper. Apparently they'd been an explosion in East City – some terrorist called Scar had been killing alchemists. The description was familiar somehow.

He came back as I reached the sports news. He sat next to me, and pulled out a small book. It had the title Courting a Shadow.

'Private, you were supposed to bring a paper to cover your face if we needed to talk quietly.' I whispered.

'Oh.' Blackhammer replied. 'Sorry sir, I thought you just wanted me to have something to do if I got board waiting. That's why I brought cards.'

'Never mind, Private. Are we clear?'

'Yes sir.' Blackhammer beamed. 'The guards a gone. They will be for a while.'

'Then let's move, Blackhammer.' We both stood up and walked away briskly. 'By the way, what did you to get rid of them?' I asked.

'I warned them Major Armstrong was doing another health inspiration round. They decided to take an hour's leave.'

We quickly reached the Fullmetal Alchemist room. I went to the door and wrapped on it, before hiding behind the wall. 'When Alphonse comes out, you will need to deal with him. I'll then go for the Fullmetal Alchemist.' I told Blackhammer.

'Um, sir, he's an alchemist made of metal, while the other ones bed bound with one arm. Shouldn't we switch places?'

'You'll be fine. Now think fast!' I leapt round the door as it opened, the younger Elric stepping out. 'Oh hello – hey, where have-' I slipped in and closed the door. A simple transmutation and the lock were stuffed with wool. Turns out I was wrong – Mrs Blackhammer's gloves were useful beyond grenades.

Edward Elric was not happy. 'Not you again! Didn't you get my letter!'

'Oh, I did, young alchemist.' I replied. At this he flew into a pit of rage.

'What did you call me, a tiny little pipsqueak so tiny I'm smaller than a fleas' – ARRGH!' The stretching he did seemed to have injured him.

'No.' I said, answering him. 'I called you young, they're quite distinct things.'

'Oh.' The Fullmetal alchemist replied. 'So what do you want with me anyway? And what have you done with Al?'

'Your brother is currently engaging my brave assistant, Private Blackhammer, in deadly combat.' I paused. 'Very quietly, I must confess. He does this so I can speak to you now about your latest crime against the state.'

'What? I haven't done anything!'

'Really? And what about disrupting Operation Enduring Resistance, an operation ordered by the Fuhrer himself?'

'I've never even heard of it!'

'But it is my operation, but any other work I have to do disrupts me from the Operation. Like cleaning up after your mess at the fifth laboratory!' I handed him the file. He opened it, then threw it own one the bed.

'It wasn't me, ok. It was these two people – a woman and a man with ouroboros tattoos. And a couple of suits of bound armour. They destroyed the fifth laboratory!'

'So –' I thought through the information – 'your brother blew up the laboratory.'

'No he didn't! You can't get us to do another knitting class for this!'

'All I know, Fullmetal, is that I am owed one days labour for the delay in Operation Enduring Resistance. Plus the time used to perform Operation Souring Eagle!'

'OK, I'm too tired for this.' Edward reached over to a phone, and dialled a number with one hand. 'There's an easy way to solve this.'

I let him ring. I must confess, beyond the point of getting to the Fullmetal Alchemist's room, the plan was basically wing it. 'Hey, Hughes. Yeah, I know, you told me. Yeah, I know, your – daughters – nice, but – listen! I need to ask a favour.' I waited patiently why he talked. I had to be the better man.

'So Hughes, I've got another Alchemist in here. The Cloth Al- yeah, the Laundry Alchemist. So he wants me to work for the time he lost washing socks from the explosion at the fifth laboratory. Uh huh. Huh uh. Ok. Thanks Hughes. Yes I know her birthday's – look, just by.' He hung up.

'Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes just said that you can't ask me to do work for you for something I didn't do.' He lay back in his bed.

'This is not over, Fullmetal!' I shouted. 'You will pay for your magnitude of your crimes!'

'Yeah, sure.' The Elric boy replied. 'Can you leave now? I need to rest.'

'Very well, but you have not heard the last of me.' I opened the door. Outside, Blackhammer was holding a hand of cards, opposite to Alphonse Elric who had his own hand. 'So a three cancels the pile?' Alphonse asked.

'No, the three counts as the thing below it. A two cancels the pile.'

'Your version's a lot different to one I've played.' Alphonse replied. 'Three fours.'

'Private!' I shouted. 'It is time to leave.'

'Yes sir!' Blackhammer said, saluting. He the shook Alphonse's hand. 'Nice to meet you.'

'And you too.' The metal man walked back into the hospital room.

'How could you fraternise with the enemy? Are you not ashamed?' I asked Blackhammer.

'Sorry sir. But you did ask me to deal with him? And it did work.' He pointed out.

I paused. 'That is true. Good work, Private. I will actually let you name the next Operation.'

'Thank you sir. I was actually already thinking about it. How about Operation Twilight Whisper?'

'Private, the right of naming is now revoked. You need to stop reading those romance novels.'

Blackhammer looked slightly downfallen. I could felt the same – two operations, one delayed, one thwarted! I had been beaten, but it is only by these defeats do we become stronger, and so rise above to new victories. So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!

So my current plan with these storys is to alternate between silly stories interacting with canon characters and events, and just silly ones involving Egbert and Richard having 'fun'. Hope that sounds good. Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading.