Chapter 7
Alex leaned her head back against the wall of the detention center and sighed. It had been such a long week and the end was nowhere in sight. She hadn't slept at all the night before after she and Olivia talked. In fact she cried most of the night, she knew Olivia hadn't meant to say what she had but it still stung. She had always wondered deep down if Olivia blamed her for getting shot, for not dropping the case when she asked her to. She was thankful that their mornings were so hectic, between getting ready themselves as well as getting two toddlers ready it didn't leave much free time to talk. She knew they needed to talk about what had happened as well as what they both said because the longer they didn't talk the worse the situation would become. It also bothered her what it was doing to their sons, they may be young but both seemed to notice something was wrong. She nearly broke down when Henry had asked her if she was sad as she was getting him dressed. She also didn't fail to notice the sadness in Olivia's eyes when he asked her the same thing. Alex took a deep breath when she heard the door opening; she was hoping it wouldn't be Olivia as she didn't think she could face her at the moment. Alex felt her heart seize when Olivia looked at her, she was overwhelmed with how much she loved the brunette and at how much she was hurting. "After you." Alex sighed as Olivia turned away; she pushed herself off the wall and followed her wife.
Olivia turned and headed toward the cell where their suspect was waiting. She couldn't stand to see the look of hurt in her wife's eyes, especially knowing she had put it there. There was another part of her that was still angry with Alex, she was still angry over Alex dropping the charges against Sam Baylor. She just wanted to get through this and go home but at the same time that meant being in close proximity to Alex. She had spent most of the night crying and judging by how Alex looked this morning so had she. After talking with their suspect and finding out that the homeless guy Shane gave food to was the one who killed him Olivia called Fin and told him to pick him up. She and Alex walked from the detention center in silence. "Would you like a ride back to your office?"
"No I wouldn't want you going out of your way and besides I'm sure you have more important things to do anyway." Alex said as she turned away.
"It's not out of my way and no I don't have more important things to do." Olivia felt her anger grow when Alex began walking away. She ran after her and grabbed her wrist spinning her around "That's not fair Alex; you don't get to walk away!" Suddenly Alex's skin felt like it was burning Olivia's hand and she quickly released it. She looked in Alex's eyes and saw hurt and anger flash in them. Olivia felt her stomach begin to turn she had just done the one thing she swore she would never do; she had put her hands on Alex. "I'm sorry Alex, I'm so sorry."
Alex was surprised when Olivia grabbed her arm but she wasn't scared, she would never be afraid of Olivia. Alex stepped closer which caused Olivia to back up toward the car "Olivia its okay you didn't hurt me."
Olivia squatted down next to the car and held her head in her hands "It's not okay Alex I grabbed you!"
Alex knelt down beside her wife "Olivia I might still be angry but I'm not angry about what you just did. All you were doing was trying to stop me from walking away; I'm not hurt at least not from that. Get one thing in your head right now Olivia I have never nor will I ever be afraid of you. Do you understand me?"
"Yes." Olivia whispered.
Alex stood back up "Good now I need a ride back to my office I have work to do."
The car ride passed in silence both ladies contemplating what was happening between them. Olivia had always wondered if and when the job would finally destroy her life and she couldn't help but think it was happening. She wondered if Alex would stay after what was happening. Olivia hoped Alex wouldn't leave her especially for the boys' sake. She never had a stable home life until now and she didn't want her children growing up having to be shuffled back and forth and having to wonder what had happened between Mama and Mommy. While she was still angry that Alex dropped Nikki's case she also knew she had a lot of work ahead of hear in making up for what she had said. Alex on the other hand was thinking about what Olivia had said to her about how she had never been afraid to back down from a case. In the past she wouldn't have allowed a state bar investigator to get between her and getting justice for a victim. She had been suspended before after the Cavanaugh case and she knew there were times after that she danced on the edge of the law but it didn't stop her from doing her job. She tried to figure out what had changed in her. She wondered if she had been away too long and maybe between the time in witness protection and becoming a mother had changed her, maybe she just didn't have the edge she used to have.
When she realized the car had come to a stop she looked over at Olivia who was silently staring out the window. "Thanks for the ride." Alex said as she reached for the door handle. As she was about to open it she felt Olivia gently place her hand on her leg.
"Alex I am so sorry for what I said last night. I didn't mean it." Olivia had told herself she wasn't going to cry but that obviously wasn't happening as the tears began streaming down her face.
Alex pulled her glasses off and covered her eyes with her hands. She really didn't want to have this discussion now "Olivia I know you didn't mean it but you said it and it hurt." She sighed.
"Can we please talk about this?" Olivia pleaded.
"Olivia I know I made you mad because I dropped the charges, I get it. I know I'm not completely innocent in this argument, but you went too far. Whether you meant to or not you basically blamed me for getting shot. That hurt Olivia, it hurt a lot. So while I agree we need to talk about this I don't think now is the time to do it." She gathered her things and stepped from the car.
"I love you." Olivia said through her tears.
"I love you too." Alex said before closing the door and walking to her office.
That evening Alex was packing up her things to head home when her phone rang, it was Munch asking her to come by the precinct. He had a witness she needed to talk to. In a way she was grateful for the delay. She loved her family more than anything in the world but part of her was dreading going home and seeing Olivia, and she hated that feeling. As Alex left the precinct she wasn't sure how to feel. She had just spoken with Amy Wagner, a friend of Nikki's. Amy told her that Sam Baylor gave her clothes and an ipod so she would say that Nikki recanted her statement. She thought about the case as she drove to Bill and Gail's to pick up the boys. Her day instantly became better when she stepped in the living room and saw Henry and Jase playing. "Hey guys!"
"Mama!" they both shouted as they ran toward Alex.
She knelt down in the floor and hugged both of her children. She looked at Henry and felt her heart beat faster he looked so much like Olivia, but when she looked at Jase her heart broke looking in his eyes was the same as looking in Olivia's. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes as Henry leaned in and kissed her cheek "Don't be sad Mama."
Alex swallowed the lump in her throat "I'm not sad baby I just love you and your brother so much."
"They've already had dinner. Would you like me to fix you and Olivia a plate to take home?" Gail stopped when she noticed the look on Alex's face. "Alex dear, are you alright?"
She stood and faced her aunt "Not in front of them." Gail nodded. "Henry I'm going to talk to Nanny for a minute. I want you and Jase to put your toys away we'll be going home soon." She smiled as her oldest nodded and began picking up their toys. They walked to the kitchen "Where's Bill?"
"He had tickets to the Knicks game tonight." She poured them both a cup of coffee and sat down "Now what's wrong Alex? I know something's going on because when Olivia dropped the boys off this morning I could tell something was bothering her too. When I asked her she looked like she was on the verge of tears and told me it was nothing." She reached out and squeezed Alex's hand "Are you two having trouble?"
Alex began crying "We had a fight at work and it's kind of spilled over at home. Were both to blame in this situation and we both know it but last night she said something that hurt me a lot and I don't know where we're going to go from here."
"What did she say?"
"We were fighting about our case and she basically blamed me for getting shot. She tried to apologize then and I cut her off. She apologized today and I know she didn't mean to say it. I think it just popped out in the heat of the moment but that doesn't make it hurt any less."
Gail slid her chair closer to Alex "Alex take it from someone who's been married longer than you've been alive," they both chuckled "You're going to have fights, you're going to say things you don't mean but you have to keep talking. Have you two ever discussed what happened when you were shot and went away?"
"I've told her a little about my time in the program and where all I stayed. When she was shot she told me about how she felt the night I was shot, but other than that no we haven't talked about it."
"I think maybe you should, once you've resolved what started this. I think deep down you both may be harboring some anger and resentment over that night. If you don't talk about and get it in the open it'll continue to fester and get worse and there may not be any coming back from it then."
Alex stood and hugged her aunt, thanking her for listening to her. She put the boys in the car and headed home. She was a little disappointed when she pulled in and saw that Olivia wasn't home yet. She was just about to put them in for their bath when the phone rang. Alex couldn't help but smile when she recognized Olivia's number "Hey."
Olivia was relieved when she heard Alex's voice and she didn't sound hurt "Hey sweetie. Are you home yet?"
"Yeah I was just about to put the boys in the bath tub. Are you going to be home soon?" Alex was hopeful.
"I'm at the hospital, I'm okay though." Olivia knew she had to add that in quickly to keep from worrying the younger woman. She sighed "Alex, Nikki tried to commit suicide tonight. She OD'd but she's going to be okay. I went to her apartment to check on her and I found her."
"Oh my God. I'm glad you found her."
"Me too. I'm going to stay here for a while and make sure she's okay before I leave. You don't have to wait up for me."
"Take your time Liv. I'm exhausted and I know you are too so don't stay too late, okay?"
"Okay. Can I talk to the boys for a minute so I can tell them goodnight?" Alex held the phone for Jase while he talked to his Mommy. He really couldn't carry on a conversation yet but he was definitely his Mommy's boy and loved talking to Olivia. Once he was done she handed the phone to Henry who had to tell Olivia all about his day, it warmed her heart to watch her babies.
Once she managed to get the phone back she smiled into the phone "Do you have an ear left?"
It relieved Olivia to hear Alex sound happy "I think so. I'll be home as soon as I can."
"Just be careful. I'll probably be in bed when you get home," she paused for a second "And I expect you to curl up beside me tonight."
Olivia breathed a sigh of relief, she knew they were still a ways from okay but they were definitely closer than they were this morning. "I will. I love you."
"I love you too."
Alex rolled over when she felt the mattress dip. She smiled when she saw Olivia settling in next to her. "Hey."
"Hey yourself." Olivia was on the verge of tears, she was so grateful to be able climb in bed next to her wife. They lay there in the dark simply staring at one another. Olivia smiled when she felt Alex take her hand and lace their fingers together. "Alex I…"
Alex leaned in and lightly brushed their lips together "Olivia I know we need to talk but we are both exhausted and need our rest. If we start talking now we'll be up all night and right now I want nothing more than to fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms."
Olivia breathed a sigh of relief, they were both in agreement "Me too."
"Now you're not on call this weekend and I called and talked to Gail before I went to bed and asked her if she could keep the boys this weekend. So tomorrow after work we're driving up to the beach house and we're going to talk all this out. It's supposed to snow so there won't be any reason for us to go out." Alex was quiet for a second "I know it's probably not going to be pleasant but I think it has to happen."
"I agree completely." Olivia pulled Alex closer to her. "I withdrew my request for a new ADA today."
Alex looked surprised "Why?"
"I realized I made a mistake by putting in the request. I was mad and I didn't even think it through. After I had put in the request I was so upset with myself and then when I saw you at the crime scene I was mad all over again and then we got into it… Alex everything just seemed to spin out of control. I was wrong and that's why I withdrew my request."
"I'm refiling charges tomorrow morning against Sam Baylor."
"Really? What changed your mind?"
"Well you for one thing. I knew I shouldn't let my worry about the investigator prevent Nikki from getting the justice she deserves. I also talked to her friend Amy and she told me that Sam gave her stuff to get her to say Nikki recanted. I've got him Liv; he's going to go to jail." Alex leaned in for a kiss, it was gentle and loving. It brought tears to both their eyes as it was the first real kiss they had shared in days. "I love you." Alex said as she wrapped her arm around Olivia and pulled her close.
Olivia slid her hand up under Alex's shirt and began lightly running her fingers over her back "I love you too."
They both fell asleep knowing they had problems that needed resolved but both felt certain they would be okay.
A/N: Thank you for the reviews I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I know this one isn't all roses either but these things don't just change overnight they take time. I hope you enjoyed this one! Next up, the talk.
