The stalfo body elaborately extended its arms, daintily unrolled the paper, and held it before the head.
The stalfo head squinted. "What in Hyrule is this? Can't anyone write properly anymore?"
Ganondorf's patience slipped further. With his next words, he spoke slowly and stressfully.
"It's. Up. Side. Down. You. Idiot"
The stalfo head looked again. "Oh, yeah. Well, what do you know? Thanks!"
Ganondorf emitted a low growl. The body righted the paper, and the head shuddered, cleared his "throat" once more, and then - finally - began.
"We, the oppressed of Hyrule, have come together in righteous fury to right the wrongs against the wronged. We are no longer the monsters of Hyrule, but the Union of Severely Unappreciated Hylian Creatures - also known as U-S-U-C-H."
The stalfo had been careful to spell out the acronym.
"We include all downtrodden creatures: the skulltulla, the keese, the dekubaba, the Anubis, the wolfo-" From behind came a howl of pleasure, "- the poe, the tektite, the gibdo, the wallmaster - "
"STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"
Patience shattered. Ganondorf snatched the paper and hurled the two stalfo parts back to the wall with the other union members. The body landed with its neck in the head's mouth.
Ganondorf was smoldering. "Enough! For Heaven's Sake! I will read this ridiculous thing myself!!"
After his breathing calmed a bit, he opened the paper and read - muttering slightly to himself.
"Let's see...better armor...yada yada yada...dental care? Why does everyone want dental care? How many even have teeth?! Ugh...self-destruct ability? The dodongo's already have that!...smr smr...ridiculous...heck NO!...paid vacations?...casual Fridays, Bring Your Large Ferocious Pet to Work Day...inddor plumbing...What the - ? LIFE INSURANCE?!"
The stalfo, now whole again, stood up.
"Yes, we die quite easily, thanks to that horrid little fairy boy and poor planning. We wanted to be able to leave something for the family - I have five stalchildren, you know - especially with the cost of funeral arrangements these days."
If Ganondorf had heard anyone call the anger he felt then "transcendent rage," he would have killed them on the spot for such a ghastly understatement.
"YOU DISAPPEAR WHEN YOU DIE! WHY DO YOU NEED LIFE INSURANCE?!"
The stalfo crossed his arms. "It's only proper to give a ceremony."
The paper was then shoved in his mouth and set ablaze.
Now the Gerudo king looked crazed. "I'll just destroy all of you and make new monsters!"
The stalfo shook his head and spat out the flaming paper. "They'll just do the same thing."
"They'll never know if you're gone."
"They'll know. We put up copies of our grievances."
He gestured with his thumb bone. Sure enough, evenly spaced around the room- the rest of the castle, too, but Ganondorf did not know that - were little, screaming "USUHC" at the top of each one.
Ganondorf charged one of his power blasts. "I'll just destroy those first."
The stalfo snickered. "Can't."
"Watch me!"
The beam was sent full blast towards one of the posters. It struck so forcefully that smoke filled the room and chunkd of debris from the wall went flying. Ganondorf's face was triumphant, and he began to turn towards the wide-eyed monsters.
Suddenly, he stopped. His fierce anger returned to replace his delectation. There, with all the wall around it destroyed, was the flyer, and it was encased in a pink rupee.
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!"
A large wall of fire began building and expanding around Ganondorf. Suddenly, it rocketed away - striking everything in the room. The monsters all disappeared into puffs of smoke.
