Chapter 7 – Sometimes Too Much Worry Can Destroy Everything
My mind begins to wake up as the pain returns to my body, making me cringe in the bed and curl up to a tight ball until it eases a little. Joker stitched me up yesterday night after I finally managed to get my self-control back. I won't lie to myself, this will always be stuck in my memory, I will never forget how helpless and frightened I felt as I was pressed up against the wall. If it would have been Joker who'd done this I wouldn't even have flinched because I know I can trust him in that matter. Even without that almost-rape he would never have gone further than I want to. But this man... I'm pretty damn sure I wasn't the first... fuck I hate that word... victim of his. He bloody knew what he was doing, he had me in a total vice grip there. I feel myself trembling only at the thought. Joker asked shortly after he set me asleep with some chloroform he found, if I'm fine. I said yes, I didn't want to bother him even more with that stupid fear. The Depression is making dealing with that even harder for me. I slept through but I wasn't spared from dreaming that shit up over and over. I'm just glad I didn't wake Joker with that. Normally I toss and turn when I have nightmares but not this time, I was still in the same position as I woke up like I was as I fell asleep. I think it will take some time for me to get over that but I'm sure simply being close to Joker will help with that. He somehow makes me feel safe, alone how he reacted yesterday proved me once more that he can't be as much a monster as others or he himself say. He can be gentle and caring, it just need something really bad to happen to get that side out of him but that's fine. He doesn't even have to be gentle or very caring, I'm already fully satisfied when he simply somehow lets me know that he somewhat cares. I look up as I hear the door opening and Joker getting in. He stops a moment as he sees me sitting and looking at him before he closes the door.
'' Was bout time ya wake up. Took ya a few more hours than I thought. How d'ya feel kiddo? ''
'' I'm fine. Just... pain. '' He grins smugly at me and holds out a glass of water where I see a tablet dissolving inside it. I look at him questioning on what he pushes the glass simply into my hand. I sniff at it and scrunch my face up with a disgusted look. Joker rolls his eyes and lightly punches my arm,
'' C'mon drink it. '' I look at him a moment before my eyes move back to the glass.
'' Medications get tested on animals...''
'' Ya gotta be kidding me...''
'' No, it's brutal, really. I don't take- ''
'' Drink it or I make ya. ''
'' But- ''
'' Angel. '' I take a deep breathe and drink everything on ex like whiskey. As soon as I'm finished he snatches the glass out of my hand and places it carelessly on the table before taking a seat next to me and eying me suspicious.
'' Do you leave tonight again? '' I ask and look out of the window, finding it deep dark outside.
'' Why? Wanna come with me? ''
'' Maybe...''
'' Under one condition. ''
'' Your conditions mostly end up with me in your bed -Gee that sounded wrong on so many levels...''
'' I already have ya in ma bed Angel. No no no... What I want is that ya admit I was right. ''
'' With what? ''
'' That it's a lot of fun blowing up things. ''
'' It's fun, very much so... You know, I never had this much of an adrenalin kick and I never had this much action in my life before I came here. ''
'' Burning down laboratories? ''
'' Oh yeah you know about that... Do you even know how they treat these poor creatures there? Like dirt! No, less than dirt, like they're just lifeless objects they can throw around and cut open and ram needles into their eyes for something that we already have. Testing make up and medications on animals is unnecessary with the technology we have today. Not to mention that most of the tests are wrong anyway. You can't compare the organism of a rat or a cat with a human! Most medications that are fine for animals are even toxin for humans! They didn't deserve better and except a few major burns on like 5 of them, sadly no one was harmed. ''
'' Ya know kiddo, yer pretty alright for a teenager. Who thought that a girl in yer age can be such a bitch? But darlin', we got 2 am. Thought ya wanna go back. '' I title my head at him with an amused smile before shaking my head softly,
'' I have to go back. It's not like I can decide about that. You just pointed it out, I'm only 14 and we aren't in Gotham. I can't just stay out all night long without someone being pissed. ''
'' I could- ''
'' No. ''
'' You don't even know what I wanted to say! ''
'' Either you wanted to offer to kill my mum or threaten her until she gets off my back. ''
'' Fine ya got a good clue in what I wanted to say. ''
'' When do you want to leave? ''
'' Now. I just wanted to check on ya before I go. ''
'' What do you want to destroy? ''
'' The police department in Berlin. ''
'' Berlin? That's a long way. ''
'' Wanna come with us? ''
'' Do I have 5 minutes to change in the outfit from yesterday? ''
'' Sure but, uh, hurry up! '' He makes a shooing move with his hands and laughs then as he sees me lifting an eyebrow at him. I get up slowly, gritting my teeth on the pain but refusing to let this ruin this night for me. The pain killer should kick in any minute and we need 3 hours up to Berlin so I have plenty time to get fine. The worst is that my legs tremble a little as the memories on the guys come back as the pain gets worse. I shake my head and grab the cloths I wore in Köln before disappearing in the bathroom. 10 minutes later I'm all ready to go and to my great relief the pain killer kicks in. I normally hate taking pain killer or medications in that meaning because they get tested on these poor little creatures. I only take some if it's really needed. Joker whistles as I step out of the bathroom, looking me up and down before grinning. I give him a glare that shows very clearly 'Pedo-Perv' but don't challenge him more. I know how this would end and I don't think I would be all too good in holding back the fear then anymore. I know Joker isn't going to try anything but... it's just the touching that scares me... being pressed up against a wall is... not so nice anymore...
'' Hey Angie, you feel better? '' I look up to see Steve looking down at me worried. Only then I realize that Joker and I are already outside the house. I have no idea how we got here but... duh. I see Joker talking to Anthony and Liam a little farther away from me. With a sigh I nod my head slowly, Joker I maybe can trick here and there because he's really a emotional cripple but Steve seems to be pretty good at reading people.
'' I'm better, just a little shaky here and there... That was a bigger shock for me than I thought it would be... In school they always try to tell you what to do but... it's not that easy. I thought if that ever happens I would be able to fight the person... Turns out I couldn't. '' I grab my upper arm tightly, digging my nails into my flesh a little as I feel myself starting to shake. I don't like showing weakness in front of anyone, in front of Joker is already worse enough but in front of the others? No thanks. They surely could somewhat deal with that better but... I don't like it.
'' No offense but what do you think ya could've done? '' I look up at him, confused on his sudden stoic voice and expression. He looks almost angry, did I say something wrong? I swallow and shrug my shoulders,
'' I don't know... fighting- ''
'' With the injuries you already had you should've been a crying heap on the ground. The struggling was above what you should have been able to do. There's nothing you could've done. '' Ouch. That hit...
'' That doesn't make it better. If I would know how to defense myself instead of just trying to hit, it wouldn't have ended that way. I just need to get more on tactic and defense. ''
'' They were 5 and yer a teenager with no experience. ''
'' I have experience. I get into more fights than others in my age- ''
'' With schoolmates and a guy from the streets here and there? That's far from the same. Compared to him you're weak. ''
'' But...'' My voice breaks and I look down, he's right. I had not even the hint on a chance. Everything I could do was waiting for anyone to come up. I am too weak to do anything and the small fights with wannabe-gangsters on the street isn't even close to it.
'' Listen Angeline, there's nothing you could have done except from running right in the beginning. But ya didn't, ya stood there and ya attacked. With that you made yer choice, either allowing them to run around in the house on free or riskin to get hurt. You took the 2nd option and with that ya accepted everything that came with it. That are rules you learn in Gotham. I know we're not in Gotham but when it comes to fights like these then you better pick up learn that. ''
'' You're probably right. '' My eyes slowly move back up to him and and my hands curl to fists while I almost glare at him,
'' Next time I will not make any mistakes. ''
'' That's the spirit. Furthermore, I think ya get over it pretty soon. Yer a fighter. ''
'' Ya done with yer tea party? Then get the fuck in the car if ya two remember it we've got business to deal with! '' We both look up as we see Joker glaring at us, everyone else- well those who are going at least- already inside the cars. This time only Steve, Mason, Liam, Anthony Joker and me go. The others stay behind in case something happens or there are more people after the list I guess. I'm sure by now that the list is important, no matter what Joker said. We both hurry into the car and while Steve gets with a last look at me next to Mason, Liam drives and Anthony is next to him on the passenger's seat. I myself take my seat in the back corner of the jeep. I feel the others looking at me a moment what makes me clench my jaw but I ignore it. I don't need their pity, I'm perfectly fine. Steve was right, this isn't something that could pull me down this easily. Eventually they stop starring at me or at least I don't pay attention to it any longer. I close my eyes and take out my headphones, listening to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls...
'' And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand...! When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive...''
I open my eyes again and look at Joker a moment who talks about something with the others before my eyes move out of the window, following the passing street lights and the cars that drive past us, not having a clue who's inside here. If they would know, they would surely keep their distance. I get out of my trance like state as there suddenly is one headphone being pulled out of my ear. With a hiss I turn,
'' I was listening to that! '' I say angrily but stop as I see Joker putting it in before scrunching up his face,
'' Ew. '' With that he pushes the thing back into my ear and gets back to his original seat. I pull my headphones out of my ears and look down at my phone, what's his problem with my song? I shake my head and get up, put away my head phones and scrolling down my music selection, I know I got a song or 2 Joker surely would like,
'' I think... you'll like that one. '' I sit down next to him and play Sound of Madness by Shinedown. It fits his character, there is no way he's not going to like it. I smirk as Joker starts laughing, Steve and Mason smirking a little,
'' Not bad. '' I pull my knees up a little, placing my feet onto the seat while leaning back and scrolling through my music. A few songs there have to be Joker should really like. I can imagine he's the kind of guy that likes Classic Rock too so I play Disarm by The Smashing Pumpkins. That one he likes, I see the twinkle in his eyes. As soon as we arrive in Berlin I stop the music and place my phone safely away this time, I don't want to lose it again. It wouldn't be so good I guess... After Joker barked orders at the other 3 men he grabs my hand and pulls me together with a bag over his shoulder inside the police station. When we're inside he turns to me and hands me the knife I got already in Köln. I guess it's better to have this thing with me. I kinda lost my trust in cops. Good, truth be told I never had any trust in them but after the stunt this one guy pulled off I'm kinda hating them. Who does he even think he is -no, was- to press a gun to my head! After some walking and placing dynamite here and there in a few rooms Joker and I arrive in front of a locket door, the archive of the police station. Joker growls a little at that and starts rustling on the door until I pull his hands off the handle and grin cheekily at him, winking before pulling a hair needle out of my hair and picking the lock with it. Good that here aren't any security locks, they would need a lot more time. Not to mention that picking security locks with hair needles is almost impossible. I'm not that good.
'' Where did ya learn that? ''
'' I met this guy, he was in jail for 3 years for beating up and killing a few people that terrorized animals. He showed me how to pick a lock properly after he got back out. We met while we flamed off the labor. '' Joker chuckles on that but stops as we hear noises coming from down the floor. He grabs my hand in a tight grip and pulls me roughly into a storage room before closing the door silently. Inside the room is just enough space for the both of us to turn otherwise we would come in contact with the cleaning utensils in here. The small room smells strongly after the chemicals and long used brushes. I scrunch my nose up a little and place my hand over it while looking up at Joker. I only see his outlines and a bit of his face through it's very dark in here. The only source of light we get is through a small gape between the door and the ground. I wince a little as I hear the footsteps of at least 3 people coming our direction,
'' Der Job wird mit jedem Tag beschissener! Wir sind doch keine Hausfrauen! '' (This fucking job get's worse with every damn day! We're no bloody housewives!) I roll my eyes and snort silently before crossing my arms,
I have a option for you then: Change the job!
'' Ich weiß was du meinst. Jetzt haben wir auch noch den Freak fangen am Arsch! '' (I know what you mean man. Now we've got catching the freak on our ass too!)
'' 'Der Joker'. Der Name ist genau so hässlich wie der Typ! '' ('The Joker'. The name's just as ugly as the guy.) I narrow my eyes in the dark small chamber and grit my teeth at the incredible idiocy of these men. They don't know him, they have no right to judge him. Besides, the man next to me is really far from ugly.
'' Habt ihr gehört das er sich ne Freundin zugelegt hat? '' (You heard that he got himself a girlfriend?)
'Got'? Gee, he didn't buy me at Amazon!
'' Echt jetzt?! '' (Really now?!)
Oh what a surprise! A man has a girlfriend! Shocking news, call the medias!
'' Die kleine muss ja Grotten hässlich sein! '' (That girl must be ugly like hell!) One of them laughs and my jaw drops with a 'what the fuck' expression. Why is everybody always picking on me like that? Seriously they haven't even seen me yet!
'' Oder sie ist ne Hure und er zahlt gut. Glaubt ihr echt n Mädchen würde sich mit so jemanden abgeben? '' (Or she's a whore and he pays good. Seriously guys, do you really think a girl would keep up with someone like that?) I narrow my eyes dangerously and make a move to get out and smash their faces against something but Joker seems to sense what I'm trying and holds me back.
Really now? Again with the whore?! What did I do to always get that reputation!
'' Keep down Angel, don't ruin this. Just enjoy being close yer Pimp. '' I hurry my hands over my mouth to keep myself from laughing loudly as he quietly whispers in my ear. I cringe and feel knots building up in my stomach from the suppressing laughter.
'' My pimp huh? You more likely mean my suitor. -Hey why don't I get money then? ''
'' Cause I'm just so fantastic that ya do it for free. ''
'' At least you don't lack on self-confidence...''
'' Ne, die war nicht hässlich. Ich war in Köln als der Freak und die Frau gesehen wurde, das Mädchen sah ein wenig seltsam aus aber alles in allem ziemlich heiß. '' (No no, she wasn't ugly. I was in Köln as the Freak and his girl were seen, the woman looked a little strange but otherwise pretty hot.)
'' Willst du mich verarschen? '' (Are you fucking around with me?)
'' Nö. Kurven die zum anfassen gemacht wurden sag ich dir. '' (Nope. Curves that got made to be touched, I tell you.)
'' ...Ew...'' I whisper with a disgusted look on my face. I feel Joker shifting besides me but I can't see what's going on in his mind. I don't see his eyes or his full body language. All I know is that he must be pissed, his body is tensed up pretty damn much.
'' Das kann nicht dein Ernst sein! Warum würde eine heiße braut denn so jemanden Daten? '' (You can't be serious! Why would a hot chick date such a freak?)
Well he's interesting, funny, really damn handsome, charming, protecting and... well... he's The Joker. That alone is pretty much a good reason. And no one can say the man isn't persistent.
'' Wie wäre es mit einer Wette? Falls ihr euch traut...'' (How about a bet? If you dare...) I really hear the dirty grin on his face. It's like the voice the man had... it's cold and not something a police officer should sound like. Why is everyone this hot on me just because I'm close to Joker?
'' Wir fangen den Freak und sein Kätzchen und wer die kleine zuerst flach legt gewinnt. '' (We catch the freak and his kitten and the first one who fucks her wins.) I wince as I hear Joker growling deeply behind me and tensing up. I guess that was one time 'freak' too often for his liking. As he tries to walk past me I ram my heels into the ground and hold him back as silently as I can. At some point I realize this isn't working for very much longer so I tun and wrap my arms around his upper body, my head against his chest, holding him back a little. At least I don't get called a thick-head for nothing. He stops trying at some point so that I move my head away, looking up at him I swear I can feel him grinning.
'' Über wie viel reden wir hier? '' (About how much do we talk here?)
'' 100€? ''
'' Deal! Das ist leicht verdientes Geld! '' (That's easy earned money!) Laughing I hear them slowly going back to wherever they came from, their voices fading and their footsteps dying down. As soon as there's no noise left around us Joker gets out, throwing open the door and glaring after them with a look in his eyes that makes me shudder. I look at him and softly place my hand on his arm,
'' Joker…'' He turns to glare now at me, growling dangerously what makes my heart beating faster in my chest. But not in fear, more in something like respect and a thrill up my skin. My fingers on his arm curl a little into his jacket so that I can tug at the fabric of his jacket softly,
'' Come on...'' He looks at me for another moments but gets then slowly out of the anger so that we can place the lasting dynamite. Joker pulls a small line with gasoline along the corridor so that the dynamite will flame as soon as the fire started inside and pulls then, as soon as we're outside, a lighter out of his pocket. He holds it out to me and I look at it for a moment, playing with the thought on taking it. I move my hand up a little bit but pull it then back, shaking my head. Joker raises an eyebrow at me and starts waving it around in front of my face,
'' I won't tell if ya do. ''
'' No. ''
'' Ya sure? ''
Not really but I can't kill. I would love to be the one that hurts these men but... I can't.
'' I am sure. '' He shrugs his shoulders and lightens up the line of gasoline which abruptly starts burning and soon the department is going down in flames, no cop makes it out. None of them survives. I hear them screaming in agony, I can see one of them running past a window farther up, his whole body in flames. I hear Joker laughing next to me and then there suddenly is a loud 'bang' and the next thing I see are fireworks lightening up at the dark, starless sky, spreading their beauty all over it. My eyes widen and I smile softly as I mostly see some in the colors red, black, green and purple exploding. I turn to Joker and smile big at him,
'' Was that planned? ''
'' Na that was more a spontaneous idea. ''
'' It's beautiful…'' Joker's maniac laughter break out then, showing how highly amused and excited he is to see everything burning down. A few colors in the background, a burning building in the middle and screaming people at the top of it, how much better can it be for a Psychopath. He likes it to see others suffer, maybe it gives him the feeling of being alive. Maybe he feels turned on by it, I have no idea to be honest and I don't care that much either. He's The Joker, that's all I really need to know. I'm pretty sure he has a reason for all of this deep down inside him, something happened that made him the person he is today. There has to be a reason no one knows the name Jack Napier, there has to be a reason for him hating that name. I move my eyes from the clicking fire to Joker a moment and then back. My breathe hitches in my throat though, as I unexpectedly see one of the cops stumbling out of the building. His body is covered in several large injuries, his eyes seem mixed with pain, fear and anger. His left hand pressed tightly onto a wound on his right arm. I narrow my eyes as I recognize something on the man, something about him seems very familiar but it's hard to say through the ash on him and the distance. He seems in surprisingly good shape therefore that the building he was inside of just exploded and is constantly burning down like a candle. Joker steps in front of me, glaring at the officer who stops as he sees him. I peek past Joker's arm and freeze then as I finally recognize the face... I slowly get past Joker, taking a few small steps towards the man whose eyes now widen,
'' Angeline….? '' He asks with wide eyes and even if everything inside me screams at me that this is a bad idea, I run up to him and hug him. After all I haven't seen him in.. what is it.. 4 months? And now we meet like this again... this isn't good. To my surprise he hugs me back, pulling me against his chest tightly. Completely ignoring that The Joker is only mere meters away from him he pulls back and puts his hands on my shoulders, looking at me,
'' Was machst du hier Angie? '' (What are you doing here Angie?) Justin asks, his eyes reflecting the worry he feels. I bite my lower lip and move my eyes down, not knowing how to answer him now. He did a lot for me but I doubt he would still be on my side if he knew why I'm really here.
'' Ich...- '' I suddenly see him tensing and he grabs my arm, pulling me behind him before grabbing his gun out if his holder. Only now I realized that Joker moved closer. Justin's eyes are narrowed dangerously, his gun unlocked and his posture telling me that he's not very happy right now. Joker simply ignores him and looks at me, pointing at Justin carelessly,
'' Angel ya know 'im? ''
'' He's like my older brother...'' I say without thinking on what I see Justin slowly lowering his gun, turning to me but taking a step away from Joker and me,
'' Warte... bist du... diejenige über die alle reden? Die... die Hure von diesem...'' (Wait... are you... the one everyone's talking about? The... the whore of this...) He turns his attention only short time to Joker who sneers at him before grabbing me roughly on my arm and pulling me close to him. I look up at Joker and see to my great displeasure that he grins mockingly at Justin who now has his gun raised again and points it from me to Joker and back repeatedly but it mostly lingers on Joker.
'' Okay zum letzten mal: Ich bin keine Hure. '' (Okay, I just say this one last time: I'm no whore.) I cross my arms and glare a little but not practicually at Justin, more at the fact that I once more ended up with the reputation being The Joker's whore. Said Clown now leans down to me and whispers in my ear,
'' Sadly...''
'' Shut up. '' He laughs dryly but as he remembers Justin he turns back to him. Justin seems really done now, I guess he never thought that I would end up with a criminal once. No... now that's not completely right. He probably already had the idea I would probably end up with one sooner or later I just think he would never have guessed it would be The Joker out of all people. After all Joker is not a really usual Criminal.
'' Angeline... was ist hier los...? Wie konntest du das tun? '' (What's happening here? How could you do all that?)
'' Was? Ich hab nichts gemacht. Ich stand eigentlich nur daneben. Das Einzige was ich gemacht habe war hier und da ein wenig was zu- '' (What? I haven't done anything. Practically I was just standing around and watching. The only thing I did was placing here and there-) Justin suddenly pulls me over to him, his eyes not leaving Joker as he leans down to me. I have to admit it surprises me that Joker isn't doing something. Normally he looks like he would kill everyone that even dares to look at me and now he just stands there and observes what's happening, a small smirk on his lips.
'' Angeline... ich hab von der Entführung gehört... was immer du denkst für diesen.. Mann... zu fühlen- '' (I heard from the kidnapping... look, whatever you might think to feel for this... man... it's not-)
'' Ich habe kein Stockholm Syndrom. Ich hab das bereits geprüft. '' (I don't have Stockholm Syndrome. I already checked on that.) His grip on my arm tightens on that, making me grit my teeth a little. I somehow still feel the aching going through all my body when someone except Joker's touching me. I try to free myself slightly but he only looks at me with narrowed eyes, I can see he's really angry...
'' Die Narben, woher sind die?! Und die Blauen Flecken?! '' (The scars, where did you get them?! And the bruises?!) I lift my hand a little in a calming manner, my voice lowering and my body a little bend to try to make him a little calmer but he doesn't seem very calm,
'' Ok Justin, du verstehst das falsch ich- '' (Ok Justin, you're getting that all wrong I-)
'' Falsch?! Du warst nie jemand der sich hat herumschlage lassen, nicht mehr nach deinem Vater! Warum jetzt wieder?! '' (Wrong?! You never were someone that let others punch you around, not after your father! Why now again?!) I hear Joker snorting behind me as he finally steps now towards us but instead of pulling me away, he holds a knife to Justin's throat.
'' Hands off pretty boy or I cut 'em off. ''
'' Put your knife away! I won't let her be close to you much longer! She deserves better than you! I won't let you hurt her any longer! She's got no idea what she's doing! She's not capable of deciding on her own whenever this is affection or Stockholm syndrome! She's one of the good ones, she doesn't belong to your side! '' On that Joker begins to laugh and for a moment I don't know if I should be insulted or not… I would just love to hit Justin right here and now for being stupid enough to talk to Joker like this. He's not me, Joker will kill him and I have no influence on that. I can't stop Joker this time, if Justin goes a little further then I will lose him! Even if I see Joker laughing, his eyes are burning, his back is tensed. No sight that ended good by now...
'' Hahaha haha it's not like I force 'er to be with me. ''
'' I can't image that she would possible like to be with you! ''
'' Er hat mich nie zu irgendwas gezwungen Justin...'' (He never forced me to anything Justin...) I say silently. This will just make him angrier, I know, but I don't want him to believe Joker would force me to anything. Sure he surely wouldn't let me go or let me forget about him but... he wouldn't force me to accompany him or do the things I do. At least I think so. From what I found out by now he's possessive, that probably means that I have not that much of a chance to get away from him. Not that I want to at the moment... but later, if I get enough of him and this life, then I won't be able to leave. He would always be in my mind. I'm much deeper in this shit that I hoped I am. The only possible conclusion to fully get rid of him would be death. Nothing else.
'' ...Es tut mir Leid Angeline...'' (I'm sorry.) He slowly raises his gun, pointing it at my head through what my eyes widen and I take a step back carefully. He wouldn't shoot me, would he? I mean... I haven't done anything wrong! I never killed so he has no right to do that. He can't just shoot me. He wouldn't, I know it. He would kill Joker but not me. Still, I can't allow him to kill Joker, I need to do something.
'' Justin- ''
'' Between Germany and America... there was an agreement that, if anyone has the chance, The Joker... and his girlfriend... are both to kill abruptly...'' I can see the hate in his eyes as he looks at Joker who now acts before I can try to change his mind. He takes one step to him, flips Justin's wrist over 180° so that I hear him screaming out in pain and stabs then his knife into his throat, slowly pulling upwards until it reaches his chin and his throat has a large gape. I find myself unable to move, forced to stay where I am and watch. My insides growing cold as I see him like in slow motion looking at me a last time before lowering to the ground. Joker snorts with a low chuckle and starts walking away but I hear him faintly stopping as he realizes that I'm not following. I simply look down at Justin's dead body, his eyes wide open and around him a large pool of blood. I slowly lower to the ground and close his eyes softly, shutting my own ones while turning my head away a little,
'' Tut mir Leid...'' (I'm sorry...)
'' C'mon Angel, let's go back. '' He isn't sorry. Not one bit. And he has no kind of interest in understanding why I'm sad about Justin's death. I breathe out and open my eyes, looking at the dead body a moment longer before getting up and turning to Joker who observes me. Without looking at him I walk past him and get to the car where I once more take my place in the back corner but this time I abruptly put my headphones in and don't move my eyes one time away from the window. I see out of the corners of my eyes that Joker tries to meet my eyes a few times but I ignore him. I clench my jaw and press my knees to my chest, hugging them in a somewhat comforting manner. I don't even realize at first that we arrive at some point. Only as Joker get me out of my trance by placing a hand on my shoulder, shaking me and calling my name a few times, I see that we in fact arrived. As soon as I look at Joker I feel anger bubbling up inside me. How dares he to pretend like nothing happened?! How the bloody hell can he simply kill of the only friend I had as a child and still pretend like he did the best that ever happened to me!?
'' Let's go in- '' Before he's able to end the sentence I get out of the Van and walk towards the forest. I want to get home, I need to get home. That's too much for me, I can't take this much longer and I don't think another fist fight with Joker my body would be able to stand up against. I don't turn as I hear him calling after me, I keep on walking. I don't expect him to come after me, it's not like him and for that I'm glad. Like I said: I couldn't stand another fight. I don't want one to be honest. I just want to go home and calm myself.
As soon as I arrive at my home I slam the door behind me, my dogs or my rats not coming anywhere near my mind now. I cross the bathroom on my way to my room and stop in front of the mirror, looking at myself. Finally I see how shitty I really look, my hair is slightly greasy from the blood and the sweat. My face is pale what makes the bruises and the wounds stand out even more. My eyes are darker, reflecting the sadness and the empty feeling I have deep inside me while my body language gives away just what I feel.
This really is too deep...I feel the last bit of my sanity straining while I'm around him... but at the same time I can't stay away from him...
I look around in the bathroom for a moment, feeling the need to take a shower to get everything off me that I got while I was close him but I can't... I don't have the power for that so I simply sit down on the edge. I don't know how long I sit there but as I feel some of my strength returning I slowly peel off my cloths but stop after stripping off the shirt. My paranoia returning as I hear a laugh echoing in my head, making me close the door. I close the hangings so that the whole room is in full darkness and I have to feel my way around. I feel the hot water running down my body, burning me on a few spots but the sudden aching in my chest makes me turn the water even hotter. The pain reaches my mind but it's like the pain isn't meant for me, like I only feel it halfway. I close my eyes, titling my head down and burying my face in my hands. I don't cry, I don't sob, I just stand there and let the water burn my body until I feel my skin ripping open at some point and then I open my eyes again, watching the blood and the dirt rinsing. With a sigh I turn the water abruptly ice cold what gives me an abrupt dizziness so that I have to sit down in order to keep awake. I pull my legs to my chest and lean my forehead onto my knees, taking a deep breathe before simply waiting until the cold water calmed my burning skin a little. I slowly step out of the shower, dry myself with a towel and get then into some black sweatpants and a white top. I glance at myself now another time. I don't really look this much better but at least I'm not this dirty and covered in blood that halfway wasn't even mine. The bruises now only look worse, my eyes seem more dull and my body is scrunched. I look like shit and I feel just the same. The thought about the reaction of my mum, Bonny and Lily only shortly plays in my mind, I couldn't care less what they're gonna say. I have my own problems to deal with now, I can't look after the others. Not now. I grab my special bag out of the carton that's hidden in my wardrobe and fetch 2 cigarettes and a joint out of it before getting onto the roof of our house. I don't remember when I started smoking or when I the first time did drugs... I know that it's not all too long ago. A year, maybe one a half but not more. I don't remember why I started, I think it was because I thought that, if I already destroy my body from the outside, why not from the inside too? It would somehow be more fitting. I sit down in front of a chimney and lighten up a cigaret, taking slow but deep breathes, feeling the smoke filling my lungs. As soon as the cigaret is gone, I lighten the joint. Already after the 2nd puff I feel my mind fogging and my legs going limp slowly. I like that feeling, I like that I can stop thinking completely when I do this. It's not too expensive too because the dealer is a friend of mine who gives it to me for half the price. Sadly, the joint is gone sooner than the cigaret so that it only takes about 8 minutes until I'm to the next and last one, my body by now limp and useless. My mind fogged and everything that plagued me gone. The hate, the sadness, the fear, the self-loath. All is gone and replaced by this calmness that I love so much. I'm an addict, I know this. But I'm not addicted to the drugs, the cigarettes or the pain. I'm addicted to the feeling that all these things bring me. I like it to be completely in another world and this world alone kept me going. Then Joker came and everything changed. But maybe it wasn't that much of a good change than I thought, maybe this was a really bad change. I feel myself being even more down if he's gone, it's almost like he's the newest drug. I can't really describe it as love, I more likely think this is some kind of obsession.
'' Smokin' in yer age isn't healthy. '' I look up from my position on the ground to look at Joker a moment. His eyes are dark but seem to sparkle of something that seems like a mix of anger and something I can't really identify. His posture is his usual slightly crouched one but now he seems to be standing a little straighter. I think if the drugs wouldn't hold my system fogged and calm, I would be a lot more shocked to see him now. Even if I probably already knew he would come, it was somewhat clear that he sooner or later comes here. My eyes move back to the emptyness I was looking into in front of me, barely saying something over my shoulder,
'' What's it to you? ''
'' It ain't meanin' anything for me, beautiful. Was just sayin'. ''
'' Then do me a favor and leave me alone. I'm not in the mood to talk... or being in your company at all. '' I give a small, dry laugh and narrow my eyes while taking another puff of the cigaret in my hand that by now is down to half.
'' Don't tell me you never smoked. I heard how you get up in the … morning. That cough only people have that were smoking pretty bad once. ''
'' It was only for like 4 years. I stopped and never touched them again. Ya should do the same. ''
'' I pretty much like smoking, thanks for the advice though. ''
'' Yer a fucking stubborn bitch. ''
'' Thank you. ''
'' Wasn't a compliment. ''
'' The 'thank you' wasn't meant serious too. ''
'' Why'd ya do that? '' I shrug my shoulders carelessly, taking another puff but this time deeper.
'' Gets away some stress. ''
'' Ya doin' anythin' else? '' My eyes briefly move to him a moment, seeing him clenching his hands and looking with burning anger at me.
'' None of your business. ''
'' Think it's very much ma business. ''
'' Why? Don't tell me you care. ''
'' Course not. If yer dyin in that age then cause I stabbed the heart outa ya, not cause some drugs. '' Without giving me any warning he suddenly grabs the cigaret out of my hand and flips it down the roof. Suddenly my mind is all clear again and the anger returns. I maybe should have taken my pills too but they shrink the effect of the weed. Just like Joker does. Fuck him.
'' What the hell is wrong with you! I'm not doing to much of what I do so you do me the favor and leave me alone ok?! In case you didn't realize but you killed a friend of mine just a few hours ago! '' I hear him snorting and practicually feel his glare digging into me, burning my skin like he's dripping acid on it.
'' I was only protectin' ya. Ya should be grateful princess. '' I narrow my eyes and get up to look him straight into the eye, my, veins pulsating with the broiling anger that's going through them! Fuck this bastard, he doesn't know anything!
'' Grateful?! Do you even realize how much you fucked up there?! He never would have shot me! I once stole Cocain and Opium out of the damn police station because I my dad beat me to a bleeding pulp! He lied for me and told his Boss he lost it! He got suspended for 4 weeks for that! I could have told him I shot 40 people and he wouldn't have killed me! The most he would do is hit me hard in the face but that's it! This man was the only one that ever protected me as I was a child! He's the reason my father couldn't beat me to death! He stayed with me while everyone left! If it weren't for him you couldn't have 'protected' me! Because then I would be dead right now! And you kill him off like he's some dirty insect and you want me to be grateful!? You want me to thank you for killing the only real friend I had while I was so alone that I couldn't think of anything else than letting my dad finally put an end to it?! Do you want me to kiss you and tell you how grateful I am you bloody bastard!? Well you know what? I'm not! I'm not fucking grateful for what you did! I'm furious! '' Without giving him the chance to answer I turn to walk away but I stop halfway in my turn only to aim and punch him right in the face, feeling his cheekbone and my knuckles cracking a little but that's worth it! Not saying anything else I get back into my room, my hands clenched to fists and my teeth gritted. I throw my body onto my comfortable bed, bouncing up and down slightly I simply curl up to a ball and close my eyes, hoping to soon hear the front door being shut close as a sign that Joker left but I'm bitterly disappointed. The only thing I soon am aware of is how someone grabs my hair roughly and pulls me onto my knees. I give a silent scream at the pain and grab the hand that has my hair gripped tightly, with narrowed eyes I look up at Joker who seems really damn pissed at me. Before I can tell him to get his fucking hands away from me, I'm being slammed with the back of my head into the wall. My head buzzes and my sight gets blurry a moment, dark points dancing in front of me, making me feel sick. But with that the hand doesn't release my hair, instead my head is forced back roughly so that I'm forced to look at him, his half brown, half green eyes now fully green and sparkling almost venomously while he's gritting his teeth at me, growling at me in a threatening whisper,
'' Listen well kiddo, do that ever again and yer gonna regret it! ''
'' You killed him! You coldhearted son of a bitch killed him! '' I lash out, trying to hit him with my fist but he grasps my wrist but this time I don't strop the trashing. I simply go on until I can free one hand to hit his chest. I hear that I obviously knocked some air out of his lungs but before I can celebrate that inside my head, he got both my wrists once more and gets on top of me, sitting down on me so that I have no chance to move away. He lowers his head down to mine, forcing his lips against my own ones. I freeze a moment but narrow then my eyes and trash again until I manage to somehow flip us over bit he kicks me off soon, sends me flying onto the ground before I can hit him another time. I hear him giving a clearly angry growl as he gets off the bed. I get up from the ground myself and glare at him, ready to take whatever he has for me. I won't budge, this isn't like the last time. He's nothing to hold against me! This is not about protecting, this is about rage!
'' Be happy the bastard's gone. '' I scream and throw myself at him, scratching and punching but nothing hits. He always manages to dodge or simply catch my wrists. I feel weak when I fight with him, I feel like I could never win against him. I'm not strong enough for that. Through my lack of paying attention for a moment I suddenly feel him grabbing me and throwing me against the wall, ramming both his hands against the wall each next to my head. I stop and watch how he aims, his fist curled to a tight fist, his teeth gritted and his eyes burning into mine. As his hand shoots towards me I keep my eyes focused on him, if he hits me with that force I'm sure this will break my bones. But he won't. He won't hit me with that much force. And I'm right, instead of hitting my face he only punches the wall next to me, leaving slight marks on it as some pieces of it fall off when he lifts his hand again. I see his knuckles bleeding but his eyes keep fixed on me. A look in his eyes that makes me feel the wish to cry and scream at him to just punch me if it makes him feel better. I think Joker sometimes has 2 sides in him. The Joker, his inhuman, monstrous, brutal and I-don't-care-for-anyone side. And something else, maybe Jack Napier. The side who stops him from hurting me badly, the one that wants to keep me safe. The one that protects me and would never kill me no matter what. But at the same time it's the same person. No schizophrenic behavior or anything like that, simply a man that can't decide what side would be better to show in front of me. He wants to kill me sometimes, I know it, I see it in his eyes, his fingers twitch then always in that special way. I look up to see him staring at me blankly, his lips twitching here and then and both our breathes still erratic. He suddenly leans down to me and kisses me, forcing his tongue into my mouth. I wince a little but soon find myself returning the gesture, my hands grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer. I don't really know when I devolved this strange need to exchange physical pleasure after being angry but that's the last thing I care about right now. His hands move to my face to keep me from moving in any way as he clashes his teeth against mine. I shut my eyes close tightly, leaning up just a little more until he suddenly pulls me off the wall and throws me onto the bed. Before I can sit up he's on me again and kisses me once more. I don't feel kindness in any of his touches, there's only anger. Just then I see Justin's face in front of my eyes.
Joker suddenly stops dead in his tracks, I feel him freezing completely over me and slowly moving his hand to my chin to make me look at him. His eyes suddenly seem confused about something.
Only now I realize that I'm crying...
As he sees the tears rolling down my cheek he looks like he was hit by something big. His eyes are narrowed in something like confusion and... whatever the other thing is, his breathe is flat and his thump slowly moves over my cheek, wiping away a few of them but only new follow on that. I try to push him away and run but he holds me still, cupping my cheeks in his hands he looks at my tears like he never saw someone cry before. Almost tenderly he rubs his fingers over every part of my face that is streaked in salty tears but that tenderness is everything I need to wrap my arms around his torso and pull him closer, burying my face in his shirt and simply letting the tears fall. All the feelings I bottled up in these past days new crashing down on me, pulling me down into a hole. Quiet sobs turn into louder ones, and my hands claw desperately into the shirt of the man that I hate the most at this moment. Seeking comfort from the person I know would never comfort me in any way, maybe not even because he hates me but because he simply doesn't know how to do so. I feel him freeze even more, his body tensing while his arms remain at each side of his sides. Slowly, like he's afraid it would burn him, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer, silently letting me cry against him. And for that one I'm grateful. I am grateful that he simply lets me cry against him without saying anything...
Half a hour later I calmed and Joker stood up from the bed, letting me sit in peace with my legs crossed and my arms wrapped around myself in an awkward self-hug. Slowly I realize what I'd just done, I just cried against The Joker's chest and he let me... But the way he hugged me... that wasn't a hug from someone that never lets anyone close to himself...
'' Were you ever in love? Or... you know... have you ever had someone you liked before you became The Joker? '' My eyes slowly move up to him, seeing him tense once more while he looks down at me. After what seems like an eternity he slowly nods,
'' Yeah. Once. ''
'' What happened...? '' I hate how my voice sounds. So vulnerable and weak... but I can't help feeling something close and at the same time completely different from pity. Like I feel the pain that's going through him right now what makes my voice becoming silent and husky...
'' I killed her. ''
'' Why...? ''
'' That's a story for another night Angel. '' He sounds almost tired to me as he stares at me, his whole posture seems suddenly tired. I nod a little to myself and look around on my bed. I got enough pillows and 2 blankets and space...
I've to be crazy...
With a sigh I ruffle a little through my hair before my eyes slowly move up to him once more,
'' I got enough space... if you want to you can sleep here. '' I only see him nod before I turn to face the wall and cover myself with a blanket and close my eyes. Behind me I hear the shifting of fabric and can listen how it slides to the floor before the mattress next to me lowers and I feel Joker getting into the bed. My eyes close a little tighter as I feel the disgust about my actions reaching my mind. He killed my best friend, the only one that ever cared for me as I was young and now I not only cried against his chest and let him comfort me but I allow him to sleep in my bed too. I almost get the feeling to vomit on that but I force it down, curling my hands to fists under the blanket. After a few minutes I turn around to look at him.
He killed him... but not because he wanted to kill Justin -well, yes he wanted to but I don't mean it like that. Joker thought that Justin would kill me and so he only protected me. Joker only wanted me to be safe, he even comforted me in his own odd way until I was better. Maybe... maybe he isn't such a bad guy he wants himself to be. Maybe this woman broke his heart, maybe she rejected him for his scars or his personality and that's why he became like this... That's why he became someone that more likely thinks of himself as a monster than to let someone close to him...
I close my eyes a moment and breathe in the unique mix of gunpowder, fire, gasoline and blood he smells after before scooting a little closer, sitting up on my knees so that I look down at him,
'' Joker...? '' I look for any kind of reaction but get none.
'' Joker...? Are you still awake? '' Still, no flinch of his face. His breathe is steady and his face oddly relaxed. Taking a deep breathe I slowly lean down to him and kiss his cheek softly,
'' ...Thank you for defending me...'' Watching him another moment I slowly lie back down and close my eyes, my face towards Joker and my hands curled to small fists in front of me I curl up a little before already feeling myself falling asleep while completely overseeing the small grin on Joker's lips...
About 3 hours later I wake up from the alarm I set on my phone that should remind me that I have to pack up because my mum could come any moment. With a low hiss I turn it off and turn to Joker who obviously simply ignored the annoying sound.
'' Joker? ''
'' Nh...'' He growls a little but simply turns his back then to me and keeps on sleeping. I cross my arms for a moment and pout at how stubborn this man can be. First he can be the fucking Alpha around here and then he behaves like a child.
'' Joker...! '' Still no response I look around and smirk while grabbing a pillow. I lift it over his head and hit him then with it,
'' Joker! ''
'' God damn... what'cha want?! '' He asks positively annoyed. I roll my eyes and grin then big at him,
'' Oh good you're awake, I already thought I would wake you! ''
'' Kiddo this better be important...''
'' We need to get my babies back here. '' He looks at me, blinks two times and turns around again, mumbling over his shoulder,
'' Have fun. The keys are somewhere in my pants. ''
'' Wait you took off... -Never mind... Come on we both know I can't drive. ''
'' Ask nicely. ''
'' Why you sadistic... Why do I even have to ask nicely? '' I ask with my arms crossed and a pout on my lips, this man is unbelievable! How can someone be this... teasing!
'' Cause I like seeing ya beg. ''
'' I hate you. ''
'' Have fun drivin'. ''
'' Fine, then I simply destroy your car. ''
'' Then the cops get to ya. ''
'' ….Then I slice your suit. ''
'' Then I slice yer mom's neck. ''
'' Then I burn your hair. ''
'' Then I burn yer friends. ''
'' Fucking... -Joker could you please drive me and help me getting everyone here? Please please with sugar on top? ''
'' Uhm... nope. ''
'' What! I asked nicely! '' He leans up on his elbows and smirks at me, his eyes a halfway closed,
'' Persuade me. '' He says in a low voice, making me blush a little but I shake it off.
'' Fuck this, I call Steve. ''
'' Call him and he's dead. ''
'' You're cheating! ''
'' Yer leavin' me no choice. ''
'' Well how about simply being a little nicer?! ''
'' Nah that's not my style. So? I'm waiting...~ ''
'' Come on Joker- ''
'' We can wait for yer mum too but... well I'm kinda naked except some boxers. How ya gonna explain that? ''
'' You planned that! ''
'' Not really, but the kiss was a nice start- ''
'' YOU WERE AWAKE!? ''
'' Obviously. ''
'' I can't believe you! I- you! - I- GAH! ''
'' I'm still waitin' here Angel. '' I look at him slightly, ruffling my hair. I very slowly crawl to him and hesitate a moment before sitting down on him, leaning down to him so that we're in the same position we were in the forest. I touch his lips softly with mine but keep far enough distance to be able to speak softly,
''...Please...'' I close the distance and kiss him, my cheeks burning and my embarrassment level now completely broiling over. This is too much for my poor heart to take. I feel him smirking into the kiss but he nods as soon as I move my head up a little, looking at him,
'' Persuaded. ''
'' I hate you...''
'' No ya don't. Get up princess, we need to get yer pets. '' I squeak as he slaps my butt as I was about to get off him. I abruptly sit down firmly, wrapping the blanket around me tightly and look at him with wide eyes. He quits it with some laughing and gets dressed before driving to the hideout to putting everyone inside the car. I say bye to the guys and Joker gets me back home. But I believe I saw Steve looking at me strangely, like he wants to tell or ask me something but he doesn't know if that's ok. I'll simply ask him about it the next time I see them. As soon as Joker left my apartment I get back into bed to get back some sleep I really need...
'' Glaubst du nicht du hast lange genug geschlafen?! Aufstehen! '' (Don't you think you slept long enough?! Get up!) I hear my mother screaming not even half an hour later. Good that I came home on time otherwise she would have noticed everyone was gone. With a growl I slowly open my eyes to look at her, not only her voice sounds angry, she looks pretty much angry too.
Sleeping enough my ass! Damn it! I'm tired what do you want?! I hope someone died otherwise I'll fucking go crazy! I was so comfortable just now!
'' Was ist los? '' (What's wrong?) I ask just with slight annoyance and rub my hands over my face to wake up a little.
'' Sag du es mir! Wo warst du die 5 Tage?! '' (You tell me! Where have you been these 5 days?!) I freeze a moment but soon regain my self-confidence and look up at her confused, looking at her like she's crazy,
'' Hier. Naja und einen Tag bei Lily. '' (Here. Well and a day at Lily's.)
'' Wirklich? Wo waren dann der Rattenkäfig und die Tiere? Und warum war deine Reisetasche verschwunden als dein Opa zu Besuch kam?! '' (Oh really? Where where your rats, the cage and the dogs then? And why was your suitcase gone as your grandpa came to visit?!)
Are you kidding me, why is he coming here without telling me that! Is everyone just trying to kill me here?!
'' Ich war bei einem Freund.. '' (Fine, I was with a friend.)
'' Welcher freund? '' (What friend?)
'' Du kennst den eh nicht…'' (You don't know him.)
'' Oh und du denkst das ist eine gute Entschuldigung? '' (And you think that's a good excuse!?)
The best I have after just HALF A HOUR of sleep!
'' Entschuldigung. Aber du meintest doch ich soll zu Freunden gehen…'' (You said I should go visit a friend.)
'' Ich weiß aber... Ich will ihn Kennenlernen! Und das nächste mal sagst du mir beschied! '' (I know but... I want to meet him! And next time I want you to tell me about that!)
Oh sure you can meet him! It's not like he's accidentally one of the most feared psychopaths in the whole world! No problem I invite him to dinner. And while I'm at it I call The Batman, The police and the medias too!
I sigh but nod then, agreeing to her terms. It's not like I have much of a chance anyway and if she finds out about me going to The Joker she will most likely follow me and that wouldn't go well for her. If she goes on Joker's nerves he would kill her without thinking about it. And losing Justin was already bad enough, I don't want to lose my mum too. That one I would never forgive him but I would still have to run around with him because he wouldn't let me go. As soon as my mum's in bed I grab my phone...
1 good message + 1 bad…
Which 1 first?
Angel.
I send the message and a few minutes later I get the answer from Joker...
Bad.
J.
I sigh slightly and begin to tip the answer.
My mum found out I was with a friend. Now she wants to meet him... What now?
Angel.
I can kill her.
J.
I narrow my eyes and grit my teeth a little. I knew he would say something like this! I just knew it! How can someone be this heartless!
Fuck you!
Angel.
I'd rather fuck you.
Could be worse though.
Good 1?
J.
I practically feel him smirking while he was writing the 1st sentence. I close my eyes a moment with an annoyed expression and shake then my head,
Did he just say 'Could be worse'? It can't be worse! Does he even understand that my mum wants to meet him?! Like in personally and not over phone. I believe I will never understand this man… The only good thing is that he probably can't understand me either.
I can visit you. At least til she finds out u r The Joker.
Angel.
Then ya finally can stop whining around bout that.
Got work, call ya later.
J.
Work? Does he want to blow up something again? Or kill someone? More likely he would go on killing the people from that list. After ll that's what he's here for. I still wonder why even he does that. He's not after money so what could he possibly gain from that?
Be careful…
Angel.
I hesitate a moment before I send that one but I really want him to be careful. If he gets himself killed then... Well I don't think I would take that all too well, let's say it like this. I just want to be sure he's fine. With a sigh I stand up and go to my window where I sit on the windowsill and look at the sky… I shake my head and once more get up to go watch a little TV. Almost 3 hours later the news interrupt my show that The Joker blown up 4 Police stations in Kiel, Hamburg, Düsseldorf and Dorsten. The police tried to catch him but every car got shot into and was blown up too and so they lost his track...
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Robin-Sukino :*
