With a promise that we, the new recruits, would accompany Duncan to the meeting with the King at the first break of dawn, Duncan dismissed us to find our dinners and bedrolls for the evening.
I was still in shock, my brother and Alistair pulling me away as Duncan went to strategize for the coming battle. We found dinner, Adrien and Alistair taking turns reminding me to eat. After they'd both done it twice each, I finally decided I needed to get a hold of myself. I could think on what I saw later when I had a moment to myself where I wouldn't be worrying someone else.
Adrien and Alistair seemed pleased I was eating my now cold food without the need to be prodded, quickly finishing it when I found myself to be famished. Once finished, I saw Alistair and Adrien share a nod before my brother lumbered off in search of his bedroll. I was about to follow him, but Alistair's gentle hand on my wrist caused me to pause.
He looked up at me, lips thinning as he tried to pick his words carefully. "It's after the ritual."
I suddenly remembered—he had something to say to me as soon as it was over. And it was. "And we are both alive."
I slowly lower myself to the log beside him, his hand sliding from my wrist to my hand, carefully tracing the lines on my palm. It felt so strange to be touched on my hand—it was just the hand, yet the way the tip of his finger brushed against my skin made it feel so intimate. It didn't help that I had next to no romantic experience... Besides romancing characters in games like him.
Even though he wasn't.. the same. I could see that. Being raised in Highever had changed him, for the better. He was more confident and I knew that if he absolutely had to lose Duncan it wouldn't kill him inside like it had done to game-Alistair. Which was horrible to think about, I inwardly groaned at myself. Feeling pain over a loved one passing away was not a weakness. I just.. Alistair is stronger now. He grew up with love, respect, friends.
"Maker be praised," he sighed softly.
For a moment I thought he had heard my thoughts—but no. He was thanking the fact we were both alive. "Alistair.." I said quietly, looking up at him through my lashes. I had to make a conscious effort to stop myself from stumbling over my words. "What was it you," I swallowed suddenly forgetting how to breath for a moment as I looked into his amber eyes. "..wanted to talk about?"
He took a breath before he nodded, eyes casting down to his hand on mine.
I took a deep breath as well, mentally preparing myself for what I assumed would be the break up talk. Not that we were really together from what I understood. Just an engagement that had been decided years ago. He had never even kissed Rosalind.. me yet.
"Ever since.. The attack." His eyes slid up my arm to my face, instantly pulling heat to my face as if his gaze was burning me. "I just wanted to say that I was so... Impressed."
My head tilted as my brows furrowed, confused. "Impressed?"
He nodded slowly. "You've been... Inspirational. You adapted, took charge. You saved your nephew and sister-in-law, made sure they got out alive. You willingly faced the taint, kept your head. Adrien wouldn't tell you to your face, but the only reason he's keeping everything together is because you are so strong."
It was so odd seeing the usually humorous Alistair compliment me. I wasn't prepared for it, that was to be sure. I was glad it was so dark and that the fire threw an odd light over my face. He wouldn't be able to see just how red I truly was.
He reached over with his free arm, cupping my cheek in his hand. "I have never.. Felt so drawn to you, Rosalind."
I blinked, the name pulling me out of my Alistair-induced trance. I wasn't Rosalind, I was reminded. My name was Lillian. Not Rose, or Rosie, or Rosa, or Rosalind. The pain that resided in my heart from that realization hurt. I couldn't let this go on, couldn't entertain the urge to reach for him, someone I wasn't meant to have. I was meant to enjoy the story, live a life I had never dreamed possible. Romance and love.. would be tempting fate. I took a deep breath before I tried to force a laugh. Humor was how you get out of situations like this, I decided.
"I thought you were going to ask to break off the engagement that my parents forced you into."
His eyes widened like he couldn't believe I had thought of that. "No—well I mean..."
I forced a smile, but I was sure it looked sadder than anything else as I pulled away from him, bouncing up onto my feet to put some space between us. "You don't have to worry. We will always be friends. Besides, it's not like I ever kidded myself into believing you loved me. Goodnight, Alistair."
I quickly turned and power walked to where Adrien was hunkered down in his bedroll, moving mine next to his and quickly sliding into it. I rolled onto my side just in case Alistair decided to put his next to mine—I didn't think I'd be able to handle accidentally looking at him right now. I peeked open one eye, blinking both of them open when I realized my older brother was tiredly staring me down with one of his eyes. All it took was one look at my face before he groaned, sliding a hand out of his bedroll to rub my arm.
"What happened now?" he questioned quietly, a brotherly grumble about sisters muttered under his breath.
"Nothing," I sniffed, letting my eyes close as I enjoyed the affection he showed me.
"Bull shit."
I rolled into him, smacking him with my head at his curse. His arm just draped over me like a heavy blanket, keeping me close. It felt so natural to be near my twin, to press my head against his as a few tears leaked.
"You know, you're a little different since the attack."
That just made me shake more.
"That's not a bad thing, Rosie. You're.. You're different, but still the same."
"But.. I'm not," I said quietly.
"You're my twin. If I say you are, you are."
I shook my head against him. "If you knew—if you really knew—you wouldn't like me."
"Again, little sister. Bull shit. When I said you're different.. It's like you finally woke up."
My brows furrow, sniffling quietly as I moved my head back to look into his one open eye.
"Woke up?"
"You were.. Like this. When you were really young. Bossy, loud, and passionate. A crybaby, too," he said, pulling on my hair lightly. "I don't think you even remember it well. That's because it was before the accident. There was a visiting dignitary. Tall man with weird hair."
"..Weird hair?"
"Mm. It was blue. Anyways. You decided to jump from a window into a stack of hay."
I was stuck on the blue hair for a moment before paying attention to him once more. Jumping into a pile of hay... Seemed like something I would personally want to do.
"Something went wrong. Everyone.. Said you were dead. But that dignitary was a doctor of sorts. You came back to us... But you were never the same. Quieter, more prone to hide behind Mother's skirts and let Alistair and I do whatever we wanted as you followed along quietly."
It was as if.. I was Rosalind. It was almost too good to be true, to be this character and not some strange girl from a different world.
"Adrien.." I murmured quietly, tugging on his arm as it had been a bit since he had spoken. He made a sound, letting me know he was awake. "What if.. My soul had been somewhere else? But was returned here when we were attacked?"
"I would say that we were very lucky you came back when we needed you the most." Both of his green eyes opened and it felt like they pinned me in place with their intensity. "If you had not returned to us, I don't think things would have worked out the way they did. The Rosalind I knew before.. Was a pacifist. I was amazed when you shot that man right over my shoulder. More so when you and I fought together like it was something we'd always done."
My brows furrowed. "..We had never.. fought like that together before?" It had seemed as simple as breathing to me. I knew where he would move, knew how I needed to move to avoid getting hit with his huge hammer.
"Never."
My eyes watered once more—he had known I wasn't.. Rosalind since the very beginning. I remembered how Alistair had looked at me, so worried, when he'd grabbed my shoulders in the great hall. I had thought it was because of my magic... But it was because they knew I wasn't.. her.
"..Where have you been little sister?"
I sobbed quietly into his chest. "Living a nightmare."
He soothed me, rubbing my back gently. "You don't answer to Rosalind, sister."
"It isn't—wasn't my name."
"And what is your name?"
"Lillian."
He took a deep breath, nodding against the top of my head as he let out his breath. "Lily."
.
Despite the relief that surged through me, the feeling of warmth and comfort as I was smushed between two bodies of heat (Adrien to the left and Alistair on my right) wrapped around me like a comfortable blanket, I knew I couldn't sleep. There was something I had to do, a task I knew would nag me if I didn't complete it now.
And I don't intend to live with any regret.
I waited until my brother's in arms were sound asleep and breathing deeply before I carefully slid from my bedroll and quickly pulled on my boots. I was always so amazed how quietly my body seemed to move of its own accord—I was a ninja, obviously.
Clad in my new Grey Warden armor that I knew I wouldn't soon want to take off despite the coming threats to the Wardens, I slinked through the camp, quickly navigating to the King's army's camp grounds. It was easy to find—just follow the sound
of drunken merriment.
I weaved around campfires, eyes darting about for a familiar face. I didn't know if Hawke was a man or a woman, but the one thing I did know for a fact was that Carver was bound to be near Hawke. It was his face—black hair, clear blue eyes, and a chiseled jaw—that I searched for. I grew more and more agitated as my search seemed fruitless, sneering at soldiers that tried to call out to me and keeping my hand on the pommel of one of my short swords on my belt.
I was getting close to giving up until tomorrow when there was more light, but I knew I wouldn't likely have another chance like this to find Hawke. Not without someone asking more questions than I had answers for.
Just as I was ready to turn back.. I saw him. Sitting before a roaring fire, a staff with a blade on the end—a naginata I remembered—was Garret Hawke. He was one of the few men I could accept with facial hair and his hair seemed to swoop over his forehead in a way that looked like he was about to drop the hottest mixtape in Thedas. My heart totally skipped a beat but I worked to keep my face cleared of any emotion or excitement meeting him caused in me. He was, after all, one of my favorite characters of the Dragon Age universe after Alistair. And that naginata told me he was a mage. Sarcastic mage Hawke is best Hawke.
I crossed my fingers behind my back. "You're Hawke, aren't you?" Somehow I managed to sound uninterested. I sounded so cool.
I wasn't freaking out on the inside, noo.
Hawke looked up at me blankly, eyes inspecting my form carefully and a single brow arching as he answered. "Depends on who is asking, I suppose."
A slightly diplomatic response, but there was something in his eyes that got my hopes up.
"My name is Rosalind Cousland."
I watched his brows raise as recognition flared in his blue eyes.
"I wish to have a word with you. If you would join me?"
He stood and my mouth suddenly went dry when I realized just how tall and broad he was. I would have to crane my neck just to look at him! It didn't hurt that his muscles were quite impressive for a mage.
His lips quirked with a smirk—he knew I was impressed. "Lead on, my lady."
.
Author Note: A slightly longer chapter this time as well! I just want to start shoving all my chapters out.. Heheh. Hope you enjoyed! (I've basically decided I don't care if people don't review anymore. I just want to post my crap.)
Jane
