Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last conversation. You are all great. This conversation takes place about a week after the last one and therefore most of the events of Star Trek Beyond have taken place in the interim.
Call Five: Sorry I Didn't Call You Earlier
"Hi Mom." Jim doesn't even need to say his name for Winona to know who's calling her. Of course, the fact the caller refers to her as mom is an obvious clue.
"Don't you dare 'Hi Mom' me right now!" Winona said angrily. Winona was glad this was a voice only call most likely due to the strained resources on Yorktown post attack. She knew she'd start crying if she saw her son right now and she wanted to stay angry. "Your entire ship was destroyed and you got marooned on an uncharted alien planet. Then your team managed to harness the power of the Beastie Boys to save an entire space station."
"You know it sounds really silly when you explain it that way. I assume you talked to Jane because I was hoping they would keep the Beastie Boys thing out of the official press release." Jim sighed. He sounded exhausted.
"Yes, she was kind enough to tell me what the hell happened before the official press release came out. The Beastie Boys thing did not make the final statement." Neither did the fact that the person responsible for the terrorist attack was somebody she studied at the Academy. "I also was informed of Ambassador Spock's passing. Please pass my condolences on to your first officer. He really helped me get settled when I was working on the colony with the survivors." Actually, he was the one who suggested bringing in therapists for the survivors.
"I will as soon as we're not so busy. I was just waiting until the rescue operations were over to call you. That only happened about half an hour ago."
She could pick up on a hint of pain in his voice. That was understandable considering the Enterprise was a total loss. "Did you find anyone else?" she asked.
"Yeah. We found another 10 crewmembers on planet. That means only 885 crewmembers died on my watch." Jim's words were bitter. They broke her heart.
"It wasn't your fault." She just kind of wanted to hug him right now.
"Yes, it was." His words were not cold, but stiff as if he was trying not to show he was in pain. She knew better.
"No, it wasn't. Jane told me a bit more than what was in the official press release."
"So you know the real identity of the terrorists that attacked Yorktown?"
"Baby, we studied Captain Edison at the Academy too. I know all about the 22nd century war hero thrown into the captaincy for publicity reasons instead of a therapist chair." Stuff like that happened all too often really. Winona had no idea where she would be right now if she hadn't gotten help after Tarsus.
"My dark reflection," Jim said bitterly.
"No, not really. You told me more than once that you've been working with your ship psychologist. Maybe it's time for a session," she gently suggested.
"I would, but Dr. Cruz was killed along with her husband."
Winona closed her eyes in remembrance of her fallen colleague.
"I know I probably should talk to someone, but I don't trust the team that they dispatched to work with the survivors. Actually, that's why I'm calling."
"I love you, but I can't be your therapist," Winona said quickly. "There are ethical rules about that sort of thing. I will be your mom and listen to you. I'm worried. When was the last time you slept?" Because the longer they speak, the more obviously weary Jim sounds.
"After my birthday party a couple of days ago, mostly because of the vast quantities of wine consumed. I know you're worried, but I'm okay."
Liar!
"According to Jane, you watched your ship crash on an unknown planet after a vicious attack. You watched your crew be kidnapped and/or killed. You are not okay, Jim," Winona said bluntly.
"Did she tell you that Spock almost died? My Spock, not the other Spock." There was an underlining sense of panic and pain in Jim's words.
"Jane didn't tell me about the injured." Because the reports about the deceased were bad enough. "What happened?"
"He managed to escape our attackers by commandeering one of their ships, only to crash land and get a piece of shrapnel in the stomach. It missed his heart by mere centimeters. Thank god Bones is a miracle worker."
"So it's my Spock now?" Winona asked pointedly.
"That's what you got from that?"
"It's my job to point out your Freudian slips."
"That was not a Freudian slip. I do not see Spock that way."
"Don't lie to Mommy, Bubble Butt," Winona told him, trying not to laugh.
"Please don't call me that."
"Not happening, Bubble Butt."
"Okay, maybe I should find a new therapist to work with," Jim reluctantly acknowledged.
"Thank you." Winona exhaled in relief. That was one situation she didn't have to worry about anymore.
"Although, that's mostly because they'll make me take the sabbatical on New Vulcan, instead of letting me be the interim captain of USS Endeavour, if I don't talk to someone. I don't think the brass will consider drinks with Bones as therapeutic."
"I wouldn't count that either. What's this about an interim assignment?" Why would he need an interim assignment as a ship captain when she knows that they're handing Yorktown to him on a silver platter for keeping the inhabitants from being the victims of biological weapon of mass destruction.
"So, I'm sure Jane told you they're rebuilding the Enterprise, or rather building a brand-new Enterprise and it's going to be at least six months until they're done. It's not like I'm going to be flying off in my baby anytime soon." Jim seemed more excited about his ship than he did a few weeks ago. Maybe he learned like Winona did years ago that you have to lose almost everything to appreciate it.
"Jane also told me that they were planning on rewarding you with an Admiralty position at Yorktown."
"Which I don't deserve since most of my crew died. I haven't even got past the "C" of my condolence emails yet."
She would tell him that he doesn't have to send out emails, but they already had that argument after the Vengeance incident. This was just Jim's first step on dealing with the aftermath. She wished that he didn't have to deal with something like this again, but as much as Jim said he wanted a quiet desk job, that was never going to be her son.
"Honestly, I don't want it either. You were right. I would hate a desk job. It's not where I belong."
She was thankful he got that. "It's one thing to say that you don't want something," Winona said, "but it's another thing to think that you don't deserve it. You kept Yorktown from being destroyed by a biological weapon. You along with your team helped save nearly half a million people – at a minimum. If Yorktown had been successfully destroyed, the results would've been catastrophic." It would've incited a war. She didn't say it out loud because they both knew as much.
"I don't get a lot of things I deserve, so what's one more. It doesn't matter. I'm getting an interim assignment on Endeavor. That is unless I decide – or Command decides for me – to take a couple of months off and do a sabbatical on New Vulcan, which involves working on my Masters and assisting with the data recovery efforts instead."
"What do you want?" Winona asked.
"I don't know," Jim answered honestly.
"Maybe you should take the sabbatical. If anybody can figure out how to find traces of data sucked into a black hole, I'm sure you could. Did you call just to get my opinion on what you should do? I can tell you're exhausted and burned out by what happened. Maybe you should take a step back, this time. You went right back to work after almost dying last time. You took the first interim assignment they gave you after you were cleared." And she wasn't sure that was the best course of action.
"They needed the bodies."
"Things are a little bit better now. This could be good. My old doctor's at the colony working on creating a mental health safety net and a new program at the Academy to train mind healers. I think maybe you need a little break after what happened." I think you probably need professional help, especially if Spock almost died again.
"That's not why I called. Would it be an ethics violation for you to work with one of my crewmembers?" Jim asked, and she really wasn't expecting that.
"Depends on who it is. Leonard would probably be a hard no, because he's your platonic life partner," Winona answered quickly.
"It's Nyota. She got kidnapped by the villain of this catastrophe after saving my ass. Then she got to watch the Life-force be sucked out of several of her fellow colleagues as well as watching another one get disintegrated by a biological weapon of mass destruction. She also broke up with Spock twice within a one-week period. I don't want her to do anything rash when she's not in her right mind."
Okay, that explains why she's getting this call now.
"Your friend breaks up with the guy you've been in love with for four years and you're worried about her decision-making?" Winona asked incredulously. She did not mean for the question to come out like that, it just did.
"Yes, because she's my friend, and they probably just broke up because of stress. Okay, they first broke up before everything went to shit, but then they were kind of sort of back together at my birthday party and now I'm processing termination of romantic relationship papers. Spock's being extra Vulcan and not explaining why they're not together. When I asked Nyota about it, she just says that although she still loves him, she thinks that they need different things and that they should just be friends."
"And she may be right," Winona told her son.
"You don't just walk away from six years together. Maybe you can convince her of that. You don't have to talk to her in a professional capacity, but maybe you can convince her to give Spock another chance."
It was probably best that it was a voice-only call because that way Jim couldn't see her mouth fall open in shock. "I'm slightly confused, so please clarify this for me. The guy you have been pining over for four years is now single and you want me to talk to his girlfriend so they can get back together? Really?"
"Yes."
"I don't even… I'm so sorry I never took you to a therapist as a child. You do know you deserve nice things right? You shouldn't be scared of the possibility that you could get the guy," Winona told her son, because she felt like he was punishing himself.
"I just want Spock to be happy. Nyota too."
"What about your happiness?"
"I don't get to be happy," Jim said darkly.
"Yes, you do."
"Dad is dead. Sam is dead. Chris is dead too, along with 90% of my crew." Jim's voice was stressed as he spoke.
"Baby, it's easy to be in love with somebody when you can't have them. There's no risk involved. Because if you never have them in the first place, then they can't leave you. Except I'll tell you from personal experience, losing someone you never had feels a thousand times worse."
"Yet you've been in a fuck buddy relationship for the last two years. This is also after I missed out on Chris being the good stepdad."
"Exactly. At least after I lost George, I still had you and Sam, and all our good memories together. With Chris, all I had was regret. Between losing your dad and the colossal mistake that was Frank, I was afraid. Terrified of falling in love again, being in love, or even acknowledging it, until it was way too late."
"Exactly."
"And it was the biggest mistake of my entire life, and I say that as somebody who married Frank."
"I didn't think it was possible to do worse than Frank," Jim snickered.
"Well, I managed to top it. But Baby, you don't have to make that same mistake. You got lucky, baby boy. You've had three near misses and all your reasons for staying away are gone. So what are you going to do?" Winona asked.
"Avoid being the rebound fuck for a relationship that just ended after six years," Jim said bluntly.
"So whose idea was it for you to do a New Vulcan sabbatical?"
"Spock, actually. I think he just doesn't want to be on the colony alone with his ex-girlfriend, who's going to be spending time during the ship's rebuilding assisting with the communications infrastructure at the colony."
Winona put her head in her hands. God, why did he have to be this frustrating? "Okay, you're definitely not the rebound. He asked you there because he wants you to be there."
"I wish we had the resources for a video call because that way you could see me glaring," Jim told her.
"I'm not saying jump in bed with him. I'm saying take the sabbatical. Take some time to recover from what happened. Schedule an appointment with Dr. Suarez." Because I really, really think you need professional help. "I don't think putting you on another ship is the best thing right now," she added. "You just saw the long-term consequences of doing something like that."
"Logical. I don't want to end up like Edison. Oh God, I've been spending way too much time with Spock."
"And now, you'll be spending more time with him." She smirked to herself.
"Does that mean you won't speak to Nyota?" Jim asked.
"Conflict of interests because she's your friend. But I can give you a few names of colleagues who can do deep space sessions, and may have the security clearance to deal with this." Because it's obvious that Jane didn't tell her everything that happened during the Yorktown incident.
"Thank you."
"Look, I know you're busy."
"Mostly sending out letters for the dead. I'm going to start on the D's after this call." He tried to make it sound like a joke, but all she could hear was the fact her son was almost on the verge of tears.
"Then all the more reason to not neglect yourself. You lost a lot of people. This is another traumatic experience for you in a long list of traumatic experiences. Don't internalize. And don't shut out the people who care about you. You don't have to call, but a few emails would be nice."
"I will Mom."
And he did a few weeks later which helped alleviate some of her fears.
To: Starfleet mental help desk WKirk
From: KirkJT
Time Sent: 02/03/2263
Subject: Sabbatical, here I come
You were right. Just because two people love each other, doesn't mean it's going to work out. Maybe, Spock and Nyota are better off as friends. There's less fighting, which is great for morale. I'm not going to interfere. I'm just going to be a friend and let things be what they will be.
I'm going to take the sabbatical even though Bones is pissed at me for changing my mind at the last minute. Okay, he's pissed at me because now he's stuck working under someone else for the next six months at a lower position than what he deserves, and now we won't even be together. It was the whole reason why he accepted the position in the first place. Although, he does agree that I'm not mentally healthy, so at least there's that.
I think I need a break before I sit in the Captain seat again. After what happened, I realize that I really do love my job, even the mind numbingly boring parts. Now, I just have to deal with everything that comes next. Maybe some time away with friends will help.
I already have several appointments lined up with Dr. Suarez. I'm sure our first session will be all about how I feel responsible for my last therapist's death. I know you're going to say it's not my fault, but I don't feel that way. So, I'm going to focus on getting me healthy and let the Spock situation settle itself.
I hope.
