Kappa Mikey:

Hit In The USA

"Follow Me"

By Emerald

"There it is, the greatest automobile since doughnuts!" Donko proudly exclaimed, pointing towards a sleek looking machine. It was morning, and the LilyMu cast was too tired to question his questionably questionable choice of words.

"I can't see; what does it look like? Is it shaped like a hotdog?!" Gonard asked from the seemingly indestructible vending machine. After the wrecking ball attempt failed to crack the machine open, the blue haired actor and the purple suited midget had resigned themselves to their fate, and were currently in the process of re-decorating.

"Well, I only look like the most badass car ever!" came a booming voice from under the hood. Guano, hearing a new voice, was immediately put on the defensive.

"Ah crap, now the paparazzi have come to take more embarrassing pictures of me! Well I'm proud of my lifestyle, News Week!" Guano shouted and raised his fist violently. This caused several cans of Dr. Pecker to fall on his head, and one somehow managed to get stuck in his ear.

"No Guano, I think that the Black Wing's car just talked!" Mitsuki exclaimed as a New Week truck quickly drove away.

"That's right, woman! My completely original and totally not hackneyed name is Motor, and I'll be driving you all to Iowa." Motor the black Toyota Camry said, and the cast began to laugh at his clichéd name.

"Sweet ride! I wish I had a talking vehicle." Mikey Simon said aloud, envisioning a car that spoke and acted like Gonard, but could also play hard rock music out of its speakers.

"Uh, dumbass, you had already had a talking motorcycle, remember? It tried to kill you." Lily interjected. She was still in a terrible mood, partly because of her fight with Mitsuki and partly because her apartment was broken into no less than fifty three times the previous night. "Too bad it didn't finish the job…"

"You won't have to worry about this ride though, it's completely safe. We've had all sorts of mystery solving adventures with him." The ever-cloaked XeonV said as he stepped out from behind the steering wheel.

"I'm still not sure riding in a self-conscious car is safe. Wasn't that the moral of the Transformers movie?" Mitsuki asked as Motor's CPU began to tell it to kill the blue-haired female. Then the car was distracted by thoughts of how awesome he was, and forgot what it had been thinking about.

"No, Mitsuki. The moral of Transformers was that American movies based on Japanese intellectual properties always rule." Mikey objected in an all-knowing tone of voice. "Just like Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat II, and Super Mario Bros. the Movie."

Every one looked at the American as if he his hair was infested with scorpions, which it was. As Mikey rolled on the floor screaming in pain, XeonV moved to the back of the car. Then he fell over because his robe had gotten caught in the door, and everyone got a cheap laugh out of this.

"Now there's no room for that vending machine to fit in the car, but we may be able to stow those two in the trunk." He said as he picked himself off of the pavement, gathering what little dignity he had left, and opened the rear compartment.

"Oh my god, there's a dead horse in there!" Lily screamed and pointed to the curiously green stallion lying in the trunk. How she couldn't notice that it's eyes were blinking, it's tail was swishing, and that it was simultaneously eating an apple, nobody knew.

"That's XeonV's trusty steed, Emerald. XV's had him for years and takes him wherever he goes." Dosu said, wanting to speak up before he was completely forgotten by the cast. It was too late, however, and his words went unnoticed by all.

"Yep, he's been loyal to me for all these years." The cloaked LilyMu fan said, wiping an unseen tear from his eye. "But there's no room for him now!"

With that, XeonV hefted up the horse and threw it head-first into a nearby garbage can. Then Donko and Dosu began to insert the two men into the now open hatch.

"Whoa, whoa! I don't roll that way!" Motor protested as the thick rectangular container was shoved in its rear. A few minutes later, after the car had finished crying about being indescribably violated, the near air-tight trunk was slammed shut on the two actors.

"Alright, so this vehicle only sits five passengers, so one of you will have to sit in my lap." Donko said, sliding over to Lily suggestively, as well as holding up a sign that said 'sit on me' in big block letters.

"Eww, forget it! I'll ride the stinking horse." Lily said, jabbing a thumb at the rattling trash can. On cue, Emerald's head happily poked out the top.

"Alright then, it's time to pile in." XeonV said as he got behind the wheel again and Lily attempted to learn how to ride a horse in less than one second. Dosu took the shotgun seat and Donko took the sniper outpost on the roof of the car. When the outpost blew down after a very slight gust of wind, he settled for sitting in the far left seat in the back.

"Wait, we still haven't put our bags in the trunk. Open it back up." Mikey reminded the Black Wing Army. Motor's eyes began to widen in fear.

"I can't fit any more in there!" the talking car began to bemoan as his rear end was forced opened once again and four packages here hastily stuffed in.

"Alright, now are we ready?!" Dosu asked with the impatience of a gorilla about to mate for the first time.

"I don't know. Has Lily learned how to ride that green horse yet?" Mitsuki asked, and her and the other's eyes began to scan the parking lot for signs of the bitchy blond.

"I'm getting the hang of it." Lily announced from the roof of the hotel, where she had accidentally led the horse straight up the wall.

"Well that's good enough for me!" the oh-so-loving pet owners said, turning on the ignition and revving the engine. Mikey and Mitsuki scrambled to their seats, the orange haired actor taking the middle-back seat and the blue-haired actress sitting next to him on the right, and Lily and Emerald fell six stories down and were lucky to land softly enough to only partially break all of Emerald's legs.

"We can't breath!" Guano shouted from within the trunk, and Gonard said something about not being able to afford losing any more brain cells from suffocation.

"And we're off!" Donko exclaimed with a snap of his fingers, and the car sped out of the parking lot with the injured horse and its Lily trotting not far behind. Mitsuki spent the next several minutes trying to imitate the American's finger snapping trick, which she mistook for some strange American 'break your fingers before taking a trip' tradition. She had to wear two finger casts for the duration of the car ride.

The drive out of Orlando was completed mostly in silence, save the various wailings and gasps for breath coming from the two actors in the trunk. Neither Mikey nor Lily wanted to talk to the obviously imbalanced LilyMu fans, but they were also having trouble coming up with conversation starters between themselves. Finally, Mikey felt that his ears would collapse in on themselves from under use unless he started screaming at them to remain in place. He luckily came up with a better idea before he falsely accused his ear drums of succession.

"Y'know, I've been wondering… what kind of music is popular in America right now?" the American anime star asked. He had been subjected to nothing but J-Pop, J-Rap, J-rock, and J-lo for the past three years of his life. While he thought that music was okay and all, with the exception of J-rap, every so often he felt the need to listen to music where he didn't have to guess whether the lyrics were about happy rainbow power or a murder-suicide pact.

"Well I'm glad you asked! Motor, turn on the radio to our favorite station." Donko said with another quick snap. The living car began to receive a signal, and broadcasted the end of boat rental commercial before it was replaced by a DJ's voice.

"Hello, you're listening to Bagpipes USA! We're the number one choice out of the twelve other bagpipe exclusive stations in the Florida area alone! Coming up next, a favorite of mine: 'Master of Puppets' as played by Mad Willy and the Irish Setters!" the hip, young man on the radio announced. His voice was then drowned out in a sea of bleating horns that resembled nothing less than a herd of goats going through a meat grinder.

"Sing along!" Dosu said as he pulled out his trusty karaoke microphone, which contained absolutely no electronics. "Master! Master! Master of puppets is pulling the strings!"

"Exploding your mind and smashing your dreams!" came Gonard's evil voice from behind them. Then he passed out because he'd used up all the oxygen in the container.

"Blinded by me you can't see a thing!" XeonV joined in as the song continued its chorus, which was being sang with such a heavy accent that only a true fan could know the words. He was rocking our too hard though, and the top of his hood fell over his eyes so that he couldn't see.

"Just call my name and I'll hear you scream!" Donko squealed, and then the car began to spin out of control. Everyone in the car began to scream.

"Master! Master!" Mikey Simon called out for God to save him. Someone was listening to his plea, but unfortunately that someone was a grizzly bear with a steroid problem. It jumped in front of Motor and picked up the vehicle with both arms, and then flung it several miles away.

The car landed with a deafening 'thud' in front of a roadside eatery in Georgia. Motor was so frightened that he crapped himself; his trunk opened and the vending machine containing Guano and Gonard came flying out. Upon hitting the ground, the machine's front door miraculously popped open.

"Sweet, sweet air! At least one good thing came out of this car ride from hell." Guano said as he and Gonard poked their heads out of the open hatch and took in some much needed oxygen. Then Lily and Emerald fell out of the sky and slammed the door shut on them again.

"Curses!" Gonard yelled as it became apparent that the door wasn't going to be forced open again anytime soon, despite his ongoing efforts to go super saiyan and bust it down. Lily complied with the blue-haired actors' comment but saying every four letter word known to man, and several of which she invented on the spot.

"I know I might have said in the past that it'd be shameful for the leader of a clan to drive the car, but it'd be a lot less embarrassing than almost dying because a stray Mc. Donalds toy stabbed me in the freaking forehead!" Donko fumed as he pulled out a plastic Half-Life 2 'head crab' toy out of his skull. "From now on, me driving."

"Hey look, a restaurant! That near death experience sure gave me an appetite. I'm hungry like a mother qwarfer." Mikey said, using one of Lily's brand new swears. Then he patted his stomach and choked up a seat belt clip.

"Alright, alright. To take out minds off this tragic event, I'll treat us all to lunch." Donko generously replied. "And by 'treat' I mean I'll pass out the complementary mints. You're on your own for the rest."

So the cast of stars and the not-so-generous Black Wing Army entered Earl's Epicurean Eatery, a family restaurant built on a strong foundation of love and the slave labor of over one hundred leprechauns.

"Don't just leave me here; get me a mechanic!" Motor bellowed as his chassis sat smoking in the overgrown parking lot. Emerald neighed for a vet as well, but they had already been left behind. Left alone, they began to plot ways to bring down America's economy.

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"Welcome to Earls! I'm Joe, the founder and owner of this here shack." Said the jovial manager as the crew of hungry roadsters piled in. The wooden house was completely brown, because the owners had never felt the need to paint it. Joe himself was a very overweight man, because he never felt the need to diet. From the kitchen window one could see the many illegal leprechauns, because Joe never felt the need for the emancipation proclamation to take effect.

"Uh, if your names Joe, then whose Earl?" Lily asked as Joe stepped out from behind the counter, and it became obvious that he had never felt the need to wear pants either.

"Oh, Earl was the name of my best cow. Really intelligent little thing; taught me the true meaning of friendship. Why, back when I was younger, I entered 'im in a dog training and won first prize. He was my best friend." The proprietor said as he nonchalantly scratched his crotch. "He was also the best dinner I ever ate."

As Mitsuki vowed to become a vegetarian, Joe seated them at a 'table' that was more a plank of wood held up by pool sticks than an actual table. Also, following an unwritten restaurant rule, they were seated next to the only other people in the restaurant, a man and his wife that looked like they had the plague as well as other highly contractible diseases. Before Joe left to whip his slaves into working harder, he handed out some menu's that had hastily been written down on napkins.

"Wow, look at all the fork-i there give you here!" Mikey said as he stared in amazement at all of the forks that littered the table. Apparently, Joe couldn't afford spoons and knifes.

"Fork-i? What are you talking about?" Mitsuki asked as she looked up from her 'menu'. Currently, she was looking for whatever meal contained the least meat. So far the best she had found was the 'beef eater deluxe'.

"Fork-i: It's the plural of fork, Mitsuki." Mikey stated as Donko wrote down this very important information. "Just like the plural of pie is piiiiie."

As everyone at the over-crowded table groaned, and the table groaned because of the weight of so many fork-i, Joe came back from a serious beat-down in the kitchen to write down their orders.

"Alright then, what'll you have?" he asked after standing still and scratching himself for over two minutes while his customers waited for him to say something.

"What do you have that'll fit through a coin-slot?" Gonard asked from inside the vending machine. At this point, it was quite comfortable inside what with all the furniture Guano had gotten from Rooms-To-Go.

"I'll see if my *cough* hired help *cough* can turn bacon grease into a smoothie for ya. And what will the two missies be having?" Joe asked Mitsuki and Lily, who were both currently trying to escape out of a window.

"Uh, do you have anything that doesn't include meat?" an embarrassed Mitsuki asked as she sat back down in her seat. Lily, on the other hand, showed no signs of relenting as she continued to beat on the glass with a crowbar.

"Sorry, the closest thing I got is tomatoes, and I'm pretty sure they're made of chicken." The owner said as he wrote down an order of 'red chicken' on his handy dandy notebook. "And what will the other young lass be getting?"

"I'll be getting the hell out of here, if you don't mind." Lily said as she prepared to stick some plastic-explosives to the window. Mitsuki pulled her down into her chair before she could detonate them, and the blonde looked at her one-time-friend in annoyance. "Then I guess I'll have an order of the cutest animal you have."

"Alright! People don't order the bunny-rabbit in lamb sauce that often; I'll get my slaves right on your orders!" the disgusting man said as he finally left them alone, but not before shedding a large amount of hair on the table. Dosu's housewife training kicked in, and he took out a portable vacuum and began to clean the table.

"Y'know, he didn't bother to take our orders." XeonV said, feeling neglected and emo. He tried to cut himself with his large sword, but didn't have the manual dexterity to do so. Instead, he sliced off part of Donko's scalp.

"That's probably because you suck in every single way possible." Lily answered nonchalantly as the leader of the Black Arms ran to the bathroom to re-attach the top of his head with some duck tape. Dosu entertained the group with his own renditions of 'Number of the Beast' and 'Welcome to the Jungle', at least until he had a menu/napkin shoved into his mouth by everyone at the table.

By the time Donko's mortal injury had healed, the food was on the table. XeonV adjusted the 12-foot straws on Guano and Gonard's drink to fit through the slot, seeing as he had no food of his own to eat. Dosu continued to eat the delicious napkins his compatriots had so generously given him, and Donko thought that if he couldn't be full then he'd at least want to be drunk. He spent the next few minutes drawing a fake ID on a Lays potato chip.

Lily and Mitsuki had a face off to see who could enjoy their food more. The blue haired actress bit into her tomato voraciously, and her rival ripped off an undercooked rabbit ear and managed to choke it down. Meanwhile, Mikey wondered why he had been forgotten when he came time to order. He didn't want to believe that it was because he sucked in every single possible way.

"*COugH! HAAAacAK! ChOOkrHAYAacK!" the unidentified woman seated at the table behind Lily began to choke and gasp like a shark trying to breath in space. This seriously impeded the blond actress' attempts to devour her disgusting rabbit as fast as possible. She waited until the gagging had stopped, and then prepared to shove a leg into her mouth when it started up again. The woman and Lily repeated this action twelve additional times.

"Look! I know your choking and about to die or something, but that doesn't mean you have to ruin my meal too!" she finally turned around and roared at the deathly ill woman, who proceeded to cough in her face with all her might. The catfight that ensued lasted throughout the rest of Guano, Gonard, and Mitsuki's meal. Everyone else starved, and when the check came Donko made good on his promise to not pay for anything.

"Thank you, come again anytime you're in Georgia!" Joe said as he wished the LilyMu and Black Wing gang goodbye. Everyone who had previously been inside Motor took their original seats, and then Donko tried as hard as possible to run over Joe and not make it look like an accident. After Joe turned out to be surprisingly fast for a fat man, Lily got on the horse and followed the others as they peeled out of the parking lot; Emerald peeled out pretty well for a horse.

"Well that was sure an… interesting experience." Mitsuki remarked as bagpipes continued to play over the radio, this time destroying the song 'When Worlds Collide' by Powerman 5000.

"I've got to say, for an American owned restaurant, that was surprisingly average." Mikey commented as he tried to make conversation whilst simultaneously trying to ignore the Black Wing's horrible singing.

"This has been the worst road trip ever. Nothing has made any sense all day!" Lily complained as she rode the green horse. Motor's windows were down, so everyone could hear her complaining.

"Oh by the way, have I showed any of you my sword's amazing ability to talk?" XeonV asked as he pulled out his blade once more, and Donko covered his head with his arms.

"Hello. My name is Excalipoor, and I'm such a sorry weapon that I can't even cut through plastic. Please just send me into a furnace and put me out of my misery." The sword began to randomly sob.

"God damn it! If one more thing starts talking, I'm going to go insane!" the super-pissed actress screamed at the top of her voice.

"You said it, girlfriend!" Emerald spoke up from underneath Lily.

And so Emerald ended up back in a trashcan, and Lily decided to ride on the roof for the rest of the ride. It took another entire day of driving to reach Iowa, during which Mikey, Mitsuki, Guano, and Gonard had many adventures with the Black Wing Army, but all of those adventures were really crappy and they wanted to forget about them as soon as possible. Especially the little 'crocodile attack' incident.

"Well, I hope you all have a good time at the convention tomorrow!" Donko said, the crocodile's jaws clamped over his head. The LilyMu crew were being dropped off in front the Corncob Inn.

"Wait, you mean you're not gonna stick around and continue to have horrible misadventures with us?" Mikey asked as he realized what Donko was saying in between all of the exclamations of pain.

"No, I've gotta get home before my parents start to wonder why I stole there car and traveled halfway across America without even leaving them a message. But hey, maybe we'll meet on the official LilyMu forum someday!" XeonV said hopefully, but not one of the cast members had been on the site in the previous two years.

"So for now, I guess this is goodbye." Dosu said, and an indescribably huge cheer went up from the LilyMu cast with enough intensity to wake the dead. But the dead had already been woken once recently, and they didn't feel like getting up. So they took a quick piss and then went back underground.

"You know, you could at least wait until we leave the parking lot to do that." Donko said with his hands held on his hips indignantly, the croc continuing to thrash above his head.

"Yeah, but then we wouldn't be hurting your feelings!" Mitsuki answered, too happy to realize that she was talking out loud. Their feelings hurt, the Black Wing Army got back inside Motor and drove off into the sunset. Then they were hit by a semi-truck, and their bodies were never found.

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Authors Notes: Happy belated chapter update day! As a Christmas gift to myself, I didn't write anything during December. But now I'm back! I know, I know. Most authors give their readers gifts for Christmas. But what can I say? I'm selfish.

I love this chapter, even though it took longer for me to write than any of the previous ones in this story. It ended up longer than I could have hoped for, and I put in all of the jokes I planned to use, some of which may need a little explaining. First off, 'Master of Puppets' is one of the greatest songs by one of the greatest bands ever, Metallica, and if you have not heard that song then you do not deserve to live. Period. I won't bother naming the bands who wrote the others songs; do a dang Wikipedia search!

This is the only time you will be seeing me in this story, albeit as a horse. I won't even try to explain that in-joke. Also, all the movies that Mikey mentioned earlier this chapter are considered some of the worst films of all time, which explains the cast's reaction. Oh, and I almost forgot: Motor was a member of the Black Wings Army for awhile, and XeonV does have a talking sword according to one fan fiction he wrote.

This will be the last you'll see of the Black Wing Army. So if you thought they took too much time away from the main cast in this chapter, or even hated them as much as the LilyMu cast, be happy with the fact they are all missing and presumed extremely dead. God, are those guys going to kill me when they read this chapter…

Fan Corner:

We've got two new reviewers! This time we've The Kicking Squierlador, who's page contains nothing but a link to this story! Way to advertise, friend! I look forward to seeing what you write in the future. The anonymous Commander Cat joins late for the party, and finally gives chapter one his review. Now chapter two is the only one that has yet to be reviewed. Poor, lonely number two. Repeat reviewers include Bkugn, his twin bro. Reio, and of course, General Shadow Wolfsbane. Thanks everyone; this chapter goes out to you!

Long live America! Read and review!