Chapter 7

"I'm Sorry"

Kate stood in the open doorway, nervously waiting to be invited in. Just when she thought it might not happen, Castle moved back, motioning for her to enter. She walked in and smiled hesitantly when she saw Martha and Alexis standing by the table. By the way Alexis stood with her arms crossed, and Martha's uncharacteristic silence, she was pretty sure that he had talked to him about her. Despite the sudden urge to turn around and walk right back out the door, she squared her shoulders and walked over to them, saying hello.

Although Alexis didn't respond other than to offer a small, polite smile, Martha broke her silence and told Kate it was good to see her before ushering Alexis upstairs, giving them some privacy. She took a deep, settling breath, then turned to find Castle, who was sitting on the couch. She walked over and sat down opposite him. He sat silently, eyes focused on his hands that were resting in his lap. Obviously he was not going to make this easy for her.

"So, did you enjoy your lunch with Meredith?" she asked, trying to keep the jealously out of her tone. The way he lifted his head and looked at her, raising one eyebrow, she could tell that she had not succeeded.

"As a matter fact I did."

"I was waiting for you to come back so we could talk."

He shrugged. "Lunch went longer than expected. Then I drove Meredith back to the airport."

"Esposito told me about your dad showing up here." She paused, hoping he would give her the details of his visit. When he didn't she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I guess I didn't think you cared to hear about what was going on with me and my father."

"You don't think I would care about you meeting your father?" she asked incredulously. "How could you think that?"

"Gee, I don't know," he answered, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "Maybe because the last time I tried to talk to you about him, you didn't bother to stick around and listen?"

His tone stung. "That's not fair, Castle. Just because I-"

"You don't think that's fair? Really? What would you call it?"

"A mistake. I made a mistake, okay? I shouldn't have left when I did. And I'm sorry."

He looked at her, frowning. "You're sorry? That's it? You're sorry?"

"Yes. I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Maybe you could start with telling me why you left."

She got up and started walking around restlessly as she tried to put in to words what she had been feeling that night. "I don't know. It's hard to explain. You were just so upset and I didn't know how to respond to that. I started feeling anxious and I, I don't know...I just-"

"Left," he said, finishing her sentence. "You felt anxious so you left."

"Yes, I left. And I said I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "You just don't get it do you?"

"What I don't get is why you are so mad! You know how I am. It wasn't anything personal. It's just me."

He abruptly stood up, facing her. "Did it ever occur to you that everything isn't about you? This was about me. I have always been there for you, Kate. I've been there when you needed to talk, when you just needed someone there. Hell, I've even left you alone when that's what you needed- even though it killed me to do it. But the one time that I needed you, you weren't there. Because you felt anxious? That's not good enough."

She felt tears sting the back of her eyes. This was not going at all how she had planned. She desperately tried to turn it around. "I told you, I didn't know what to do."

"That's just it. You didn't need to do anything. You didn't need to say anything. I just needed you to be there. And you weren't."

Castle could see by the hurt look on her face that what he was saying was upsetting her. He knew he should stop, but it felt so good to finally be honest about how he felt. The frustration of all of the times she had shut him out caused him to keep going.

"You have pushed me away so many times, but I always come back, foolishly thinking that someday you'll trust me enough to let me in. But I'm starting to think that's never going to happen. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. You don't even seem to care how your actions affect others. You just take and take and never give anything back!"

They both stood in shocked silence as his harsh words hung in the air. He knew immediately that he had gone too far. He didn't need to see the devastated look on her face to tell him that. He had been cruel, and that wasn't like him. He wished he could take it back. Sort of. He still felt that it had needed to be said, but he could have found a better way to say it. A way that wouldn't make her look like she had been just been sucker punched in gut.

Watching her closely, he saw the tears well up in her eyes as his words hit home. Before they could fall though, she stubbornly blinked them away and started to walk past him towards the door. As frustrated as he was with her, he couldn't let her leave. Not like this. He grabbed her arm gently, stopping her. "Listen, I shouldn't have said that."

"Did you mean it?" she asked quietly. When he didn't answer, she lifted her chin defiantly and asked him loudly. "Did you mean it?"

She stared straight into his eyes, daring him to lie to her. "Yes, but-"

That's all he got out before she pulled her arm out of his hand forcefully and walked to the door. She yanked it open, but before she could walk through, he called out "Kate, wait!"

He held his breath waiting to see if she would turn around or walk away. She stood there for what seemed like an eternity before she finally turned her head, looking over her shoulder at him. When she did, he said, "Don't go. Let's talk about this." More than anything he wanted her to stay, to show him that she was willing to at least try and work things out.

His hopes were dashed when she shook her head sadly and said, "There's nothing left to say," before she walked out, closing the door behind her.

His lingering anger mixed with an overwhelming sadness as he watched her walk away. He dropped down onto the couch, emotionally exhausted. Closing his eyes, he jumped when Martha sat down next to him.

"Are you okay?" she asked with obvious worry in her voice.

"I take it you heard everything? Spying at the top of the stairs again?"

"Of course not!" she replied, looking offended. "I simply came down to use the restroom-"

"There's a bathroom in your room, mother," he said, looking at her knowingly.

"Fine. I was spying. Happy? But enough about that," she said, changing the subject. "What are you going to do now?"

He sighed wearily. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I do know that I shouldn't have said what I did. I was just so frustrated!"

She smiled. "You do realize that you get so frustrated because of your feelings for her? If you didn't care so much, it wouldn't bother you so much."

Actually, he did know that. But caring about her obviously wasn't enough. He had meant it when he said he couldn't do this anymore. He was tired of trying so hard and getting no where. Maybe it was time for him to cut his losses and move on.