I do not own CSI. CBS does. None of the characters are mine, I just like to borrow them
Gil wandered absently through the hallways of the lab, his mind wandering restlessly. It had been 4 days since he had seen Sara, 4 days since he had held her, 4 long days since she told him that she was not ready to continue a relationship with him
Not just yet
Their child, she said, needed someone who could provide stability in its life. Sara did not feel that Gil was at a point in his life where he could provide that stability. The sting of the rejection had hurt brutally, although he knew he fully deserved it. He accepted her decision, agreeing to give her the space she needed, to be her friend and to help her in anyway that he could from a distance.
Still, he hurt. He thought about her constantly and longed to be there for the development of this child. He cursed himself, several times, for all of the lost opportunities he gave up along with his stubbornness; every single missed memory he could have shared with her that he had thrown away. He would never get them back, and perhaps would never get Sara back and he kicked himself daily for those decisions.
She had grown ill while he was at her apartment that night. He had taken her to her room and tucked her in to her bedding, bringing her water and crackers and whatever else seemed to placate her nagging nausea. At one point, he lay down next to her, her back firmly against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him. He had allowed his hand to fall to her abdomen, feeling the smoothness of her skin and the subtle movements of the baby within her; it was all very poignant given the knowledge that he knew he could not stay. He had waited until she had fell asleep, daring to plant a single kiss to her cheek before leaving her apartment and going back to work.
Now, 4 days later he sat at his desk pouring over paperwork he did not care about.
"Hey" He looked up from his desk to see her standing there in the doorway, looking radiant
"Hey" He replied, taking his glasses off. "Come in"
She came in, smiling at him. "You look beat"
"Yeah" he sighed "I haven't slept..."
She looked down at her hands before looking back at him. "Gil..." She began with a fleeting nervous smile "I, uh...have an ultrasound tomorrow...and..." she shrugged. "I was wondering if you would like to go with me?"
His face lit up as he beamed at her. "I would like that very much, Sara" He replied with a confirming nod
"Good then..." She returned his smile "I'll pick you up at one?"
He nodded, trying hard to remain placid, solid...stable while knowing he was grinning like a bloody fool "Yes..."
She nodded at him, turning as she gave a little wave to him on her way out the door. Gil felt elated and for the first time in weeks, he did not dread the day before him.
"So, what'a you want to tell me, Griss?" Catherine asked as she was bent over a dead body in an empty warehouse
He looked over at her, shining his flashlight around the room. "What do you mean?"
He knew exactly what she meant but he was not ready to talk to her, or anyone else, about the situation
She looked at him and rolled her eyes impassively "Oh, come on" She said "About Sara...I think I deserve something"
"I believe the only person who deserves anything right now is that guy" He said, nodding towards the body
"He's already dead" She said as she stood up "So, I am pretty sure he doesn't need anything"
He pursed his lips, looking at her for a moment before going back to his scrutiny of their surroundings "I do not believe that my personal life concerns you, Catherine"
She balked "Your personal life" She began "happens to be a good friend of mine, so it kind of makes it my concern"
He did not look at her when he spoke "I am sorry, Catherine" He said almost curtly "I do not recall that you and Sara were very good friends at all. I always felt it was quite to the contrary"
She rolled her eyes "You can be such a jerk, Grissom" She replied "It's no wonder Sara doesn't want you around" With that, she gathered her bagged evidence and walked out of the building as the coroner walked in.
She was sitting in the Denali when he climbed in, closing his door and sitting quietly with keys in hand before turning to look at her. "I do not know what you want me to say""
An explanation would be good" She said firmly "I am not sure who I feel more deceived by: you for keeping this from me for so long or Sara for just not coming right out and telling me the truth...but I feel kind of like a trump card and the biggest moron on the planet"
"You are not a moron"
"Whatever" She replied "But it really pisses me off to think that all this time I am helping Sara pick up the pieces some jerk left behind and it turns out that you are the jerk. And then I am wasting my time trying to help you through some personal, mid-life crisis and it turns out Sara is your crisis. I feel like you two have played me for a fool and I want to smack the living shit out of you both"
He raised his eyebrows but he said nothing. "One of you could have just told me" She added
"And what would you have said?" he shot back
"I would have told you to pull your head out of your ass!" She snapped "But first I probably would have wrung your neck for getting involved with Sara in the first place. I mean, what the hell were you thinking Gil? Instead of just feeling the flames you jumped right into the raging inferno..." She looked at him, shaking her head in somewhat disbelief. "Was it love, lust or just an elaborate sexual fantasy of yours that got out of hand?"
He was quiet for a few moments "Sara has always been my fantasy that became my reality" He said honestly
She nodded, pursing her lips as he had done. "Sometimes fantasies are better left as a fantasy, Gil. I thought you knew that?"
"You are saying that it was a mistake?"
"Good God!" She exclaimed, "How can you even ask that? Can't you judge for yourself that it was a mistake?"
"I thought you said Sara was your friend?"
"She is my friend, but that doesn't mean I do not think you both are complete idiots. You and Sara were a train wreck waiting to happen. I just always thought you were smarter than this"
"Is this a lecture?"
She sighed in frustration. "No...no, I'm sorry. You two just...Damn it, you piss me off"
"Thanks for elaborating"
"I'd love to do a lot more than elaborate" She huffed, sitting back in her chair. "If personal assault wasn't illegal you'd be bloody by now"
He waited calculatingly and then asked, "Are you done?"
She looked at him, the twenty years of friendship calming her nerves. "Yeah" She sighed "Stick a fork in me"
They were silent and he started the engine, getting ready to put the Denali in gear when she asked, "Do you love her?"
He sighed and closed his eyes "I do..."
"Why did you leave her?" Rain started falling outside, landing on the windshield and the roof in soft pelting sounds
He shook his head "Fear of impact" He replied miserably, referring to her comment about the train wreck. "Is it possible to love someone, to trust them intimately, and still doubt their sincerity?"
She nodded, letting out a breath of air. "I think so"
He looked at her again "I am not a young man, Catherine. I did not think it was physically possible for me to father a child; I felt there was some sort of imperfection that prevented it, be it age or another factor" he sighed "When Sara first told me about the baby, I was in shock and disbelief. I did not believe her. Is that terrible?"
"No" She reached over and took his hand "I think it's human"
"I thought it was someone else's" He said suddenly, as if trying to get it out "I truly convinced myself that Sara was being unfaithful, that this child was the result of her infidelity and that played a large part in my actions"
She raised her eyebrows "Wow" She said, squeezing his hand "I can't imagine Sara being unfaithful. But then again, I never imagined her having sex with you, either..."
He shook his head. "Every time I saw Nick or Greg with her, every time they would hug her or hold her hand or touch her...for all they knew Sara was a single woman" Again he shook his head "I simply knew I could not father a child and that left only one other option"
She thought a moment "You can father a child, right?" She was beginning to wonder if there were more to this than the simple fact of his walking out on his responsibility
"Of course" He said, flushing. "I had a complete physical a few weeks after finding out about the pregnancy. Everything is in working order"
She continued to hold his hand in the comfortable essence of friendship. "So...now what?"
"I wait." He said simply "Until she is ready to let me be a part of her life again...I have to tell you, it is all quite frightening"
Silence surrounded them momentarily and she squeezed his hand again. "You have nothing to be afraid of, Gil. You are going to be an excellent father"
"Yeah..." He replied, letting go of her hand to put the SUV in gear "It's the whole boyfriend thing that I am miserable at"
Sara stood near the fence, watching Nick as he rounded up the last of the evidence signs. She had spoken to Gil only momentarily a few minutes before, letting him know what she was about to do. He seemed less than thrilled, almost angry, but offered no resistance as she hung up the phone.
Seeing her, Nick's face lit up and he waved at her. She returned the wave, leaning on the fence as she waited for him to finish and come jogging up to meet her. "Hey there, Brown Eyes" he grinned "What brings you all the way out here? I'm pretty much done, y'know"
"I know" She said with a sideways smile "I actually need to talk to you"
"Sure" He said "Let me finish up and I'll meet ya over at those picnic tables"As she sat she watched him throw his bag into his vehicle, grabbing out two bottles of water as he jogged back to where she was. Handing her a bottle, he sat down on the bench next to her, taking a long drink of ice cold water. "You bring lunch?"
"Sorry" She replied, squinting in the sun.
"That's okay, I have this" He pulled a Snickers bar from his pocket, offering her a bite before devouring it. Once he was done, he wiped his hands on his jeans and stuck the wrapper carefully in his pocket. "So...what's on your mind, Darlin'?"
"Well," She said slowly. "It's kind of about tomorrow"
"The ultra sound?" He grinned "You get it rescheduled or something?"
She shook her head. "Nick, I..." She faltered, trying to work up the nerves to continue "I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to be angry or upset..."
"I'd never be angry with you, Sar"
"You might be" She sighed. "This is really hard Nick but...I kind of asked someone else to go with me tomorrow"
He frowned, puzzled "To the ultrasound? I thought I was going with you..."
"I know" She said quickly. "I know...its just that..." She took a deep breath before saying quickly, "I asked the baby's father to come and he said he would"
His eyebrows went up "Really?" Then a cautious smile "Is that...such a good idea?"
"I hope so" She was busy playing with a piece of loose wood on the bench where they sat, letting it absorb all of her attention so she would not have to look at him.
"You two...patching things up?" He knew he sounded disappointed, guarded, but was hoping that he sounded optimistic. He did not want her hurt again and this guy had given her nothing but heartbreak and disappointment
"I'm not sure..." She looked at him, seeing both disappointment and concern in his brown eyes. "Nick, Gil is going with me tomorrow...he's coming to the ultra sound"
Confusion clouded his face as he tilted his head sideways slightly, as if he hadn't heard her correctly "But, you said...the father was...going..."
She nodded, whispering "He is..."
He stared at her, his mouth opening as he gave a little "huh" sound. After what seemed like an eternity, he asked "Now, am I just a fool Sara or are you tellin' me that Grissom is this baby's father?"
She felt tears in her eyes, cursing herself for the hundredth time for out-of-control hormones, as she nodded.
His jaws clenched as his hand tightened on the water bottle, he looked away from her, his jaw working through clenched teeth. "This is a joke, right?"
"No, Nick"
He looked at her, the look on his face unreadable "You just..." he began. "But, you..." He shook his head as he again looked away before looking back at her. "You're sure?"
She smiled sadly "Yes"
"I'll be damned" he replied, his Texas accident suddenly enunciated. "He knew?"
Again, she nodded "Yes"
"Okay..." He blew out a breath of air. "You should have told me..."
"It was never that easy"
"You just kind'a lied to me" He said, looking around. "We're supposed to be friends and you kind'a lied to me."
"I never lied" She insisted "Not one time; ever. You never asked me and I never told you but I never, ever lied to you"
"How long?" He asked "I mean, how long were you two...romantic? Were you romantic? Or was it just good sex?"
"Two years" She said quietly as the wind picked up, blowing her bangs into her face as she tucked them back behind her ear "I was not in it just for sex"
"He was?"
She did not respond, looking down instead. He stood up, looking down at her "Sara...look...you are my absolute best friend; I love you...and I'd do just about anything for you, but...but this is...its too much...I just...I don't know..." He bent down, kissing her forehead "Now, I will support your decisions anyway I can but you're gonna have to give me some time to let this absorb, okay? I mean, it isn't every day you find out your boss is the father of your best friends kid"She nodded.
"I'm sorry, Nicky"
"Me too" He said as he put on his sunglasses and walked away
