Author's notes

These are not drabbles. They are part of the drafts I have written for my story 'The Continuality of Existence', I just wanted to post them up. The actual story may or may not head in the direction as written here.

Kuro-san

I am not sure how to pen this letter. I am afraid that courage has deserted me again. It is not my wish to leave but I think it is for the best. Despite your assurances and everything you have given me, I need some time still. I know it is a selfish request and I do not expect you to wait. I am not sure how long will I be gone or when will I be back. I am not even sure if you will wait at all...maybe I have overestimated my importance in your life.

Time is what I need right now. I want to be able to find a direction of my own and I don't think I can do it under your shelter. I need to know how far I can go in life. How much of me am truly left behind. I don't want you to think that you're the reason for it, though I might say it is largely due to you. I dare not ask for your forgiveness for this digression of mine. Please understand why I could not leave an address behind. I do not attempt to be elusive but I would like to be lost to you. If not, you will pull me right back into your warmth. I have such difficulty staying away from it.

I want to stay...stay and not move, and not feel that restlessness whispering to me in the dead of the night. For all the things I have left behind and said goodbye to, I am weak against myself, still pursued by the indefinable sense of the past. The absence of my soul has now become an unquestionable presence and I realize I would have to confront it sooner or later. I think you could make use of this period of time to sort out your own confusion and find the peace in your heart.

There are some words that I wish I could say. Yet I know by saying them, it would make this parting even more difficult than it is. I bid goodbye in writing because I might waver if I were to say it to you personally.

I will miss you...

Fay

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

His kiss was lingering...soft and gentle on his lips...feather-lite. But the love towards him was felt intensely with that barely there graze and that made his legs weak. He let his hands wander along the buttoned column of the shirt before fisting them near the collar clinging to them like a life line least he fall. Kurogane murmured words that he couldn't catch before pressing those sensual lips against his again, tongue flicked out...a shy dip in between the lines of his lips before withdrawing fully. Fay leaned forward, a barely suppressed moan on the absence of warmth around him.

Kurogane had to bite himself on his inner cheek to remind himself to keep his cool. It wouldn't do to scare the blonde with his too ardent advances when he had already managed to get this far.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I didn't realize that one could be the author of their life...pushing the blame of my misfortunes and strokes of bad luck to other faceless people.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Though he knew she was hardly mad to begin with in the first place. He was condemned by the society he was born into. No one would seek to understand his truth because his words hold no substance...substance...that's what they thought of him. Nothing real, just floating down there in their paths, in their everyday lives.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Freedom...the word terrifies her. She wonders if she could really survive outside after having been cooped here for more than half a decade? She had given up the idea of ever attaining freedom, her life was here now...within these aesthetic white walls and of course her beloved old friend.

He was her only contact with the outside world that is so disjointed to her now. She loves to hear him talk about his other life that existed outside of these walls, glad for the attention and immensely grateful to know that someone sees the truth.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Coming home...he thought he would never return to a place that cradles the grave of his cold grey heart. But the blonde has returned and despite having buried his heart more than six feet underground, he could still feel it struggling to come alive. The pulse was weak and erratic but each kicked harder, stronger within the hollow boned coffin it was encased in.

He still loves him after all these years. Every memory he had of him was still fresh and vivid in his mind. It was as if everything had just happened yesterday.

Suddenly, that thought made him panic. It made him feel that the two long years of his self exile was not long enough. He should have enough sense to stay away. Now, he was placing his heart on the line again, taking the risk of suffering from another collapse.

But...maybe...just maybe...he might feel alive once again.

He remembered what filled the gaps of his life during these two years, echoes of long lonely nights, meaningless conversations with strangers and relationships that never managed a beginning or an end. He was tired of all those things.

For so long he had been trying to run away from his feelings, hoping that if he ran far enough the chains of endearments would break. He would be free. He was a fool. The chains only got tauter, jerking him back to that ambiguous middle ground, and left him floating within the vast empty space where only cold silence enveloped him in that darkness. He never did want to be free from the bond that connected him with the blonde. He had already enslaved himself right from the start.

He was reluctant but glad to feel that fluttering halts of his heart again.

If he was given a second chance at life, he figured it would be worth it even if it was going to cost him his entire being.

It would be worth it because Fay was his everything.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay sat on the frigid hard plastic seat, fidgeting restlessly about. He wondered how much preparation he needs to get him ready for this meeting...and than laughed bitterly internally when he realized he will never be ready enough.

Two years...does the man still hate him? Has time placated the pain he had caused, has it healed his scars? He hopes it has, if not, he would walk away and forget everything that has happened between them. Even if he would be utterly miserable, he knows he will survive it, just like how he survived every little tragedy that has befallen him.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

There was something about the man with clear blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair that catches his attention. He tries not to think about the real reason on why was he here again or exactly why is that man so god damn attractive to him. He walked towards the blonde with intent clearly shown in his eyes.

Seduction...it is a power game that the weak finds no resistance against. No matter men or women, they always fall to the temptation. Their hearts given freely to the ones they think should own their world. Of course, the players of this cruel game want no part of. They only seek pleasure and once their prey succumbs, the game ends.

Pity the one who gives all...

The pretty blonde gave him a coy hesitant smile as he approached, swirling the straw around the glass absent-mindedly. Kurogane smirked when the blonde beckoned for him to occupy the empty seat beside him. He could tell the blonde was easy...all the better he thinks because he does not need to deal with the guilt when the night ends and it was time for him to go.

He might share the same sentiments, Kurogane thought sardonically...or maybe it will only be utter disgust towards his decadent ways. Than again...why should his opinions matter anymore?

It's amusing...the way Kurogane sees it. No matter how warm the body was beneath him or how desperately they cling to him, mumbling their empty words of love.

They could never be him.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay reread it again, recognizing the feelings that the red eye man felt towards him. His heart twists and soars and drops again in the bottomless pit of the black hole that exists in his being. He wants to fall...so badly. But he doesn't trusts himself. He didn't think they can escape from their feelings for each other unscathed and whole.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Jamie seethed and raged and threw whatever he could lay his hands on towards the red eye man. He couldn't believe his audacity! Who does he think he is? Some stupid whore! How dare he use him and than throw him aside like some worn out mannequin? He deserves much more than this!

"Jamie, stop it." Kurogane said his voice calm and collected without even a hint of remorse, cold even.

"Don't you fucking say a word! I'm not stupid! What do you think I'm? You motherfucking son of a bitch!" Jamie shouted, pissed that the man could still be so un-emotive at this time.

"Jamie, you are giving me a headache."

"And you're breaking my fucking heart!"