****massive trigger warning****

And yeah, I've seen you in my head every fucking day since I left
You on the floor with your hands 'round your head
And I'm down and depressed
All I want is your head on my chest
Touching feet in my bed

I'm eleven minutes away and I have missed you all day
I'm eleven minutes away, so why aren't you here?

You're eleven minutes away and I have missed you all day
You're eleven minutes away, so why aren't you here?

The darkness surrounding me didn't want to budge. No matter how hard I tried to surface it always pulled me back under until I was floating again; weightless in a dimension that was all my own. There, neither time nor space mattered. There was no fear, no angry thoughts, just a divine me that did not care for trivial happenings.

I tried shaking it off, but it clung to me. As if it wouldn't want to let me go. That's when I realized, I wouldn't like waking up.

Not at all.

At one point, when the urgency inside my chest got stronger, I could almost open my eyes. But they were like lead; someone had glued them shut and I felt myself sink deeper again.

An eternity later, the veil slowly started to lift and I regained some consciousness of my body, how my fingers felt, lying on a not quite soft blanket; the pillow underneath my head flat.

There was something slung over my face, leading to my nose. It felt cool and I realized it was a supply of oxygen. Something sticky, restraining on my hand; tape, most likely from an IV. My left hand in a cast – even with healing serum it would take weeks for it to fully heal. My head hurt, as well as my shoulder and every part of me, felt sore. But the worst of all these dull pains was the emptiness inside me. For a moment, I thought it was just in my head, that overwhelming sense of loneliness – of being all alone in this city full of strangers. But when my hand wandered down, to rest on the non-existent bump, I knew it wasn't just in my head.

Slowly opening my eyes, blinking to get through the fog I stared down on my body; on the hand that was resting on my now flat again stomach.

I pressed my head back into the pillow, swallowing tightly.

I had known it. From the beginning on, I had known it. When that doctor handed me the black and white image of that little blip… something inside me had known that this would go wrong. That I would not get my happy end.

It hurt.

It hurt like hell.

But the sadness, the grief, the guilt were all numbed by the resignation I felt. Had felt all along. I know why I hadn't been so joyous, so happy like a mother-to-be should be. There was a reason I hadn't told Eric.

That voice inside me that doubted everything from the beginning. The one that was now sitting in her rocking chair, feet crossed and one eyebrow raised. 'I told you so.',head shake, expression resigned she turned away, leaving me to wallow in my pity.

And like always she had been proven right.

It hurt to admit, but maybe some things weren't for everyone… and maybe happiness was one of these things.

I don't know how long I laid there, staring at the ceiling with my hand on my stomach when the large glass door to my room was pushed open. A nurse came inside, bustling around, checking the machines before turning to me. Her blue scrubs were a stark contrast to the white room.

"Oh, good. You're awake." She gave me a smile but her expression was still business, this was her job, nothing more.

I tried clearing my throat, it felt incredibly dry. I knew, had known all along but I had to ask. Sometimes you needed the finality of words. So your mind would understand. So you would understand.

Some things only became real once they were spoken out loud.

"My… child…"

"I'm sorry," A tight-lipped smile, fake-empathy. "there was nothing we could do. The placenta ruptured, you lost a lot of blood and it was only four months old. No surgery in this world could have saved it."

"O-okay." Licking over my parched lips, I nodded. A heaviness had settled in my stomach and I waited for a wave of grief to hit me. But it didn't come.

All I felt was numbness. "Wha-what's the…verdict?"

"You mean your injuries?" She asked, grabbing the tablet and opening my chart when I nodded. "Let's see…" She mumbled, swiping over the screen. "You have a concussion, a badly bruised shoulder, an old rip-fracture that we had to fix along with a newer one. Your left wrist was broken, we put a cast on it; a sprained ankle, a few older scabs on your back and of course, the miscarriage."

Shakily exhaling, I bit into my cheek. Knowing you were fucked and hearing how fucked you were are two different things. No wonder my body felt as if it had been split in two with a blunt axe and then sewed back together.

This didn't feel like me. This wasn't me.

Something horrible as this, couldn't happen to me… Or, could it?

When I didn't answer her, nor showed any sign of understanding, the nurse cleared her throat. My eyes flew up to her.

"I'm going to get you some ice-chips." Typing something into the screen beside my head, she left the room.

As soon as the door fell shut behind her, I stopped pretending and let myself sink back into the hard mattress. I laid there, just staring at the ceiling, not really comprehending that this was my reality. That everything wasn't a strange, realistic dream but really had happened. It just didn't feel… real to me.

But at the same time, I felt the despair gorging on my insides. The black pit in my stomach made it impossible to cry. I had collapsed, like a dying star. All that was left was a black hole, devouring everything in its path.

A lone tear ran down my cheek as I closed my eyes and turned around, wishing for that darkness to take me back.

.

.

.

Unwillingly, I had slept through the biggest scandal this city had ever seen. Once the nurses had made sure I was stable and had given me ice to calm my parched throat after I received another shot of healing serum and several others, like birth control and the likes, they talked about what was going to happen to them, now that erudite was under investigation.

I had perked up at that, asking them what happened and they glanced at each other, unsure if they should share their knowledge. Damn noses.

In the end, their need to show me their superiority won.

"Strange." The second one said, raising her eyebrows. "I know you've been unconscious but it basically all revolves around you and why you are lying in this bed."

"What revolves around me?" I had asked, already going over all the fucked up secrets buried inside my head. A little reluctant, they had relented to my requests, to my need to know everything and for once I didn't give a fuck about being humble and selfless or about not showing weakness and ask for help.

I wanted to know what the fuck had happened after he pushed me down the stairs and left me there, lying in a sea of my own blood.

I closed my eyes, but the image of him, smiling down at me with his hand around my throat was burned into my retina.

The way it felt, tumbling down a seemingly endless flight of stairs, the cold wood underneath my fingers, then – wet grass. And a pair of warm, gentle hands turning my face around, brushing over my forehead…

If it hadn't been for her… Who knows how long it would have taken someone to find me.

I closed my eyes, thankful that I had been brave enough to overcome my prejudices and talk to her. That one moment, that one decision had turned her into my savior.

Sighing, nurse two walked towards the screen in the upper left corner of the room and turned it on. It flickered, before coming to life. She didn't have to search for long. Apart from the old channels that played series and movies about a strange, modern world before the war, there were only two other channels, one for emergencies.

And the emergency broadcast they had talked about was playing on loop all day long.

Hands balled to fists, squeezing the blanket between them I stared onto the screen where he was, standing on a make-shift stage in front of the office building where the abnegation government was held, behind him, united, all of the elders that held high-ranking positions.

He stepped forward, his face serious, a hint of sadness marking his features, hands crossed over the grey vest that hid his pouch – a tell-tale sign of his selfishness; of his over-indulgence in food.

He had always known how to act.

"There was an attack on our government last night." He spoke, his sickly melodic voice making my skin crawl, as I watched the emergency video they had released two days ago. "Last night, a factionless, who we have cared and feed for as long as abnegation exists, broke into my house, expecting to find me there. Instead," He paused and I swallowed. This wasn't happening. He wasn't fucking serious.

But he was, his expression hardening as if he really was angry at that made-up factionless.

"Instead, he surprised my assistant in her sleep, overpowered, and pushed her down the stairs." I closed my eyes in horror. There it was. My shame. Laid out for everyone to see.

What good dauntless would let herself be overpowered by a fucking factionless?

"Badly hurt, she managed to make her way out to the front where she was found by our members, who made sure she got to the hospital and then came to alert me in my office, where I had been working late on a report.

That factionless," He paused for theatrical reasons, voice full of regret when he dropped the bomb that put the whole city into turmoil. "was sent in a secret mission by dauntless and erudite."

Oh, he was good. I could very well imagine the outcry this had caused in amity and candor. And of course, under the rightful members of Dauntless, maybe even erudite.

"Please, don't get this the wrong way." He continued, raising his hands in a pacifying gesture. "These factions as a whole are not to blame! I do not, nor have I ever doubted the leader's loyalty to our government, our city. It just seems that a parallel society has developed without our knowledge that strives for power. A power they should never be granted. With all my heart, I hope that we are able to stop this poison running through the veins of our society and I believe, I know that throughout investigations will lead to the banishment of these insurgents and all their mislead ideals."

He stopped speaking, standing tall and proud, like an honest man that he would never be. Suddenly, his expression hardened and that look I knew too well. It promised war.

"Otherwise, when we do get informed of troop movements from dauntless that threaten our city, we in Abnegation have to use the only weapon we have ever possessed.

We do not want to, not at all, but we won't hesitate to retaliate

This city's history is too valuable, too important to be forgotten.

But we will do what we have to.

If the only way to save our system is to wipe the memory of every single soul in this city, then so be it.

Faction before Blood."

The screen went black and all I could do was stare at it. I was lost for words.

I wasn't even surprised, that he had managed to twist every event, every argument, until it fit into his plan, into the illusion that was Marcus Eaton. Like a spider, he had carefully woven his web and caught the little fucking fly that was me. I was just a chess figure in a game I didn't understand. A notch in his game plan to discredit his biggest foes. A bug, that was crushed under Jeanine Matthew's gigantic ego.

A little girl that Max threw into the river to drown.

I didn't even get what they were fighting over. I didn't understand.

I had been sent to abnegation to find out if they were withholding supplies from the other factions; if they had secrets worth exposing, a reason to start a war.

But the only secret I had found, the only secret worth exposing would be my own undoing, my shame, my weakness.

I laid my head back onto the pillow.

Now, that everything had gotten out, just another way, maybe I could finally go home. Or what used to be home…

No one would look at me the same way and I would have to earn their respect again. To show, I wasn't a stiff. That much I knew.

But was I dauntless?

Or had I become undone?

Lost in thought, I had forgotten all about the two nurses in my room.

"Don't worry," Number one said, glancing at me while checked the cast splinting my left wrist. "they have the girl who did it."

I whipped my head towards her.

"What?" Blinking, I couldn't make sense to her words. "What girl?"

"The one they found kneeling beside you." She glanced at nurse number two. "Maybe you can't remember, you hit your head pretty hard."

"No!" I exclaimed, staring from one to the other in horror. Slowly, I started realizing what exactly they meant. "What do you mean, they have her in custody?!"

"Ehhrm," Put off by my outbreak, she slowly inched away from me. "We got told that an envoy from candor will come by later, along with a higher ranking dauntless member. And that they found the girl kneeling beside you. That there is nothing for you to be afraid of, they have the culprit."

"No!" I gasped, pushing myself up, ignoring their protests. "They don't! That wasn't her!"

"What do you mean?" It was obvious they didn't quite believe me – or thought I had hit my head too hard to make sense. "Of course it was her. What else would a factionless do in abnegation?"

"She just found me, lying on the grass, okay?" The two of them were agitating to no end. Why was it so hard to get them to understand that despite her status, she was still a good person, a decent human being? "She is a friend of mine!"

This time their shared glances spoke of nothing but disdain.

"A factionless girl?"

"Yes." My voice hardened as I stared them down, defiantly raising my chin. "I gave her my clothes and I always meet her when we hand out food. Her name is Luna. If she hadn't found me, I don't think I would have made it…"

"Alright." Nurse two raised her hand in surrender. "Let's just get you ready. You can tell the people that really need to know."

I nodded, rolling my eyes. Fine. I didn't want to spend more time with them than necessary, either. It didn't take long for me to get decent, they had already washed me when I had been unconscious. I got a bowl of water, a small towel and a brush. After I was clean, even though clean was relative when you couldn't use a shower, they helped me into my underwear, a pair of grey shorts and an oversized shirt that wouldn't constrict any of the bandages.

It wasn't much but thank god for small favors.

Ten minutes later, the nurses informed me that the members from candor and dauntless had arrived and it didn't take long until the door to my room opened again. Nurse one lead a candor, a haughty, tall blonde woman into the room - followed by none other than Max himself.

Not really trusting my eyes, I blinked, staring at my former leader. His expression was unreadable and he stayed behind her, arms crossed over his chest, everything about him was dark. A stark contrast to the white behind him.

The candor introduced herself, but I didn't pay attention to her name, my mind still to occupied with the man behind her. I couldn't look away from him. First lesson: never turn your back to your enemy.

She cleared her throat and my gaze flew to her. Giving me a tight smile, she started speaking.

"I am really sorry to bother you so shortly after waking up, Casey. I hope this is alright." I nodded, telling her that I was fine. She knew how a lie sounded like but let it slide. Once again clearing her throat she got down to business. Blunt and to the point.

"You surely understand, that after Marcus' accusations, this, your report as a witness has become our first priority. This is the reason why Max has agreed to join me, knowing this matter is too important as that a normal dauntless could have handled it."

"Of course." I gave them a tight smile, feeling my lips crack. With the help of the nurse, I sat up, pulling the blanket up to my chest, over the tent they called shirt. Between those two, the honest and the traitor, I felt more than just exposed. I cleared my throat, coughing lightly.

"There is one thing you have to know now though." Max tensed in his spot behind her, staring at me. I tried to ignore his gaze burning through my face, daring me to speak out of turn. He tried to mask it, but I could tell he was nervous.

Afraid that I would expose him.

I could have… that moment I could have told the candor everything and there was nothing Max could have done in a hospital full of people.

But I didn't. My loyalty for dauntless was still too big to betray them in such a manner.

"You have a girl in your custody, right?"

"Yes." The candor nodded. "A factionless."

"Luna?" I asked and she nodded, surprised. "It wasn't her. She didn't attack me." I declared and the candor furrowed her brows.

"What do you mean? She was kneeling beside you when your faction members found you."

"Yes, she called them." I made sure that she understood. "Luna found me after I made it outside. The man who attacked me… a- a factionless man at least twice my size broke into the house. He came into my room, where I was sleeping, he… hit me and then he dragged me to the stairs." Closing my eyes for a moment, I swallowed heavily. "He hit me again, asking where M-Marcus was and then he pushed me…" Staring at the wall, I felt the scenes resurface again. "I was lying on the foot of the stairs. He came down, saw me lying there, stepped over me and left through the door. I managed to drag myself outside where Luna found me. Please," I added, pleading with them. "Don't hurt her. She just tried helping me. Without her, the others wouldn't have found me."

"Okay." She smiled at me. "I'm going to make sure she will be released from the holding cell as soon as we're done here."

"Thank you." My relief was instant.

"Good, so let's start from the beginning."

"So, why don't you tell us about the evening itself, for now?" The woman started, a recorder placed on the small table, a notebook in hand. Max was just staring at me, his head tilted. He stayed quiet, while the woman beside him asked the questions, observing, judging.

I started telling them half-the-truth, trying to remember what Marcus had said. That everything was dark and Marcus had left after dinner. About a factionless that came into my room while I was asleep. He grabbed me out of my bed, threatened me and when I couldn't give him what he needed, he pushed me down the stairs.

"What was it?" The candor asked. "What was it that he needed?!"

I stared at her, blinking. I had no fucking idea. "I – I don't know… I can't remember…" I stumbled, staring down at the blanket I had been fiddling with the whole time. "It was something Marcus was supposed to have, I think… Something imaginary." Letting my gaze wander to Max, I looked him in the eye. "Something that doesn't exist."

"You seem to remember that quite well, though." His voice rang through the room and the candor stopped taking notes to look at him, too. "

"That's the thing though." I countered. "He confused me. He didn't know what exactly he was searching for, either. He just knew it was supposed to be in the house. Not where or what… just that he needed it badly. He was lunatic… searching for something that never did and never will exist."

"Like what?" The candor asked, brows furrowed in confusion.

"How on earth should I know what a mad man wanted from me, other than that he was willing to risk my life for it." Looking at her, I just shrugged my shoulders. "There is nothing more I can help you with."

I hope that message hit home. From the corner of my eye, I saw max shifting, his fists balled. How easy it was, to anger

"Are you sure?" She asked and when I nodded, she sighed, closing her notebook. She turned to Max. "If you'll wait, I'm going to talk to the doctor real quick." Max nodded and she left the room, being lead down the corridor by nurse one while two busied herself in another room.

Suddenly, the temperature in the room seemed to drop and I wished they hadn't left me alone with him. Maybe, calling him a lunatic while he was in the same room hadn't been the best idea.

The sound of the glass door being pulled shut raked a shiver down my spine and I swallowed, steeling myself for what I knew would come.

I could only hope for mercy.

For a moment, everything was silent except for the quiet beeping of the heart monitor. Max' back was turned to me as he made sure, we truly were alone, that no one would interrupt us. When he turned around, my stomach fell.

Instead of the distant, indifferent expression, he had masked so carefully while the others were in the room, his eyes were hard, his anger starting to bleed through.

Slowly, so I could watch every single one of his steps, feel them resonate through my body he stepped forward until he stood over me; the ultimate position of power.

"You told him." His voice was icy and he tilted his head, not once breaking eye contact. It wasn't a question. I inhaled deeply, pinching the bridge of my nose. This really was too much for one day. I just wanted it to end already. I wanted Max to get the fuck out of my room.

This. All of this was his fault.

Not to mention, he wasn't the leader I wanted to see so desperately…

"Max, listen…" I started, shaking my head slowly, exhausted. I didn't know what to tell him. He was right. I had fear let get the better of me and exposed everything I had given my life for. "There was no evidence whatsoever. Abnegation isn't hoarding anything. There are no secrets or conspiracies… they're just living their life!"

"You just didn't look closely enough!" Max shook his head, his face pulled up in disgust. "And to think, I once thought you were our best initiate…"

His words hit me hard. I felt my lip quivering and bit down, trying to keep my emotions in check. I failed.

"Of course I did!" I hissed, leaning forward to stare him down. "I did nothing else but count and search through these fucking houses, Max! I was there when we got the food and I was there when it was either handed out to members or factionless! You saw the numbers yourself! Nothing was wrong with them! There was not a single piece of bread they kept to themselves!

They're humble people, they did nothing wrong. Just because you do not like the results, doesn't mean I didn't risk everything for them, Max! I risked everything for you!"

Staring at me, Max suddenly started laughing. A laugh that made my blood run cold. "Not enough."

Swallowing tightly, I slowly repeated his words. "Not enough?"

"No." Licking over his lips, Max bared his teeth at me. "Do you have a fucking idea what you did, Casey? Because of you, Dauntless and Erudite are under investigation! Do you even have the slightest clue what we had to do

"That's not my fault." Voice shaking, I glared at him. "You are the one that threatened to wipe out a whole faction because of your misled ideals! Max. This isn't dauntless! Being brave doesn't mean being cruel, being fearless doesn't mean being heartless! Eric knows tha– "

"Eric." He interrupted me, chuckling harshly. "Is the most heartless motherfucker of them all. And you seem to have lost every last ounce of honor you had in your body. A real dauntless would not throw her faction to the wolves. Wouldn't make friends with stiffs or factionless scum! And a real dauntless would never cower away from a mission, no matter how hard or futile it may seem!"

"You have no idea what you're talking about – " My voice was harsh, my anger bleeding through but he silenced me with one wave of his hand. I wanted to tell him that a real dauntless wouldn't strive for power, no matter the cost. A real dauntless wouldn't send a dependent to do his dirty work. A real dauntless wouldn't risk the lives of those he swore to protect.

But I couldn't get a word out.

I looked up into his face and his expression genuinely scared me.

It was cold and emotionless. Calculated.

He was the stronger one and he knew it.

There were two people in this room – and one of them held all the power.

Silenced, I swallowed while the trepidation ran through my veins. This wasn't going to end well. Showing his teeth, Max' smile was scarier than the glare he shot me.

"Well, good for you that you have taken a liking to abnegation." Max sneered before his smile became icy. "Since you have no choice than to stay there or become factionless." Interrupting himself for a short moment, Max swirled the words around on his tongue, tasting their power; his superiority, my undoing. "You did not keep your promise, our deal is void."

Mouth open, I stared at him not really understanding…

"No! Max, wait!" I gasped, when he straightened up, staring down at me through harsh, cold eyes.

"Look at it as a fitting punishment for being a traitor. You will never be dauntless again." He was out the door before I could fully comprehend what exactly he had said but when I did, it slammed into my chest like a freight train.

"NO! MAX, PLEASE…" I screamed, trying to get off the bed but failed, the pain in my lower abdomen too bad. For a moment, I expected him to come back and tell me this was all a bad joke. That I could still go home. To my parents, to my mother who made pancakes every Sunday. To Lynn and Marlene and Uriah and Macy, my friends that loved me unconditionally. To Eric and all the times, we spent hiding away in dark nooks and his office.

To my old me that was waiting somewhere, hidden behind the thick rocks of Dauntless.

But Max didn't come back. I was all alone, on my own, like I had been that moment I stepped into the office. Like the moment, my blood hit stone. Like the moment, my feet were dangling over the edge and he threatened to let go.

They had doomed me.

Now, there truly wasn't any going back again.

Everything, from losing my family, losing my friends, Eric, our child and now even my faction and with that all hope I had of ever returning to my old life, it returned at once and I knew I couldn't do this.

I couldn't do this anymore.

I couldn't…

I couldn't…

I couldn't breathe.

Clawing on my neck, I tried to suck in oxygen, to inhale the sweet air but my lungs were so painfully constricted, it felt as if they had collapsed. Gasping for breath, the wild beeping of the monitor beside me was mere background noise as I ripped on all the tubes that surrounded me, kicking the blanket off the bed.

I had to get out of here.

I would not die in here.

Alarmed by the heart monitor going off, after I had ripped the electrodes from my skin, two nurses came rushing in, gripping my hands, pushing me back on the bed.

"What is wrong?" One of them asked concerned, pushing my wrists to the bed. She should have been never able to do that, I was so much stronger than her!

"Can't…" I just got out, still struggling in their grip.

"Do you think there's something wrong with her lungs?" One asked, but the other shook her head, trying to restrain me back to the bed.

"It looks more like a panic attack." The second one said, her voice quiet in my ears.

Everything was getting hazy, which had a fresh surge of adrenalin flood my veins. Ripping my right arm up, it painfully collided with the face of the nurse and I felt her nose break under the force. Cursing, her hands shot up and she turned away, trying to quench the gushing blood. But I had no chance using her distraction. A needle was pushed into the tender skin of my neck and before I could protest, before I could try to escape this nightmare my life had become, I had sunk back into the bed, my eyelids drooping shut.

All I remembered thinking that moment was, that maybe I was better not ever waking up again.

That night, standing in the bathroom of the hospital room, I raised the scissors – and cut off my hair until it ended up just over my shoulder. I stared at the stranger in front of me, dead eyes staring back. There was no fire left in her, no fight left.

There was no old Casey, she had died the moment her blood dripped down on anything other than coal.

There was just this new one, this new me that I had to rebuild from the ground; this act I had to master to survive.

The new Casey had no home, no family, no real faction. She was living under the same roof as a monster; his plaything. She would no longer care for herself but for others. She would be resilient; bear whatever fate had in store for her.

She was selfless.

Grey.

And she didn't give a fuck about her hair anymore.

.

.

.

.

The purple bags beneath my eyes didn't go away. My hair, unwashed for the last one and a half weeks, hung down in uneven strands from where I had tried cutting it with the blunt hospital scissors. I did no longer care about vanity; nor about not angering him. I felt like, by now, the kiss of the belt would be a welcomed pain.

A welcome distraction.

Nothing could be worse than the black pit directly beneath my heart where a life had been growing; A life that had been brutally and maliciously ended by the man in front of me.

He didn't scare me anymore; I don't think anything could.

There was nothing worse he could do to me, than the things I had already suffered through by his hands.

It had been three weeks since I was released from the hospital; three and a half since I woke up on what I had placed in at the top five worst day's of my life, ever.

He had visited once, for pretense purposes only. He was so insanely busy with leader's business, now that he knocked two other factions out of the race for power.

Yes, his threat had been successful. Not two days later a total of six dauntless and four erudite had been heard, sentenced and exiled. I was mildly surprised they hadn't been executed. Ten more people knowing the official story was bullshit and all.

Of course, none of them had been threats. They were just puppets in a game they didn't even know existed. Just like me.

And as far as I was concerned, there were only four people in the whole city that knew the truth.

I was one of them.

But it didn't protect me, not in the slightest. It bound me, enslaved me to a life I never wanted, to a man I hated, to a faction I didn't belong to.

And he used it to his advantage. Having spent most of the week and today in dauntless, emergency sittings with the council and all leaders of the city, he had come home in an already bad mood. Seeing, I hadn't done anything all day enraged him further and he resumed to drowning his anger in alcohol – which only made it worse.

Sitting on the couch, just watching him walk up and down, stumbling over the carpet, slurring from all the alcohol he had consumed, I imagined him tumbling over and bursting open his head on the edge of the couch table. I would just stay here, tilt my head, watching the crimson red seep into that awful beige carpet.

"And now those bastards pretend," He slurred, his gaze unfocused. "Now they pretend they didn't try to usurp me." He went on and on ranting, about how awful dauntless was; how the leaders didn't take him for full; how they managed to enrage him with their complete disregard for his person.

I closed my eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply. He was fucking getting on my last nerve.

"You're not a king," I muttered, asking myself how someone that stupid could be leading a whole city.

Strangely, he heard me over his muttering. He stopped short and slowly turned towards me, eyes in slits.

"What?" His threat was clear: for me to shut up.

"I said," I repeated looking up at him, not bothering to hide the utmost hatred I felt for him. "You. Are. Not. A. King. You can't be usurped."

"Uh, the slut thinks she's wise all of sudden." His eyes flashed dangerously as they found their focus: me. Licking his lips in the most disgusting way, he bend forward. "Tell me, did you fuck a nose? Did he fuck some knowledge into you?"

He came closer, tilting his head at me, mouth open slightly. He was panting, a putrid stench clinging to him that made me sick.

His eyes started glinting.

"Who else did you fuck?"

Staring up at him through half-open lids, I just blinked, my face staying as passive as ever. "Whoever I wanted to fuck." Coming to a halt right in front of me, his heavy breathing had the hair on my arms stand on edge.

"That's what I thought." He slurred, his uncoordinated fingers brushing a strand of hair beneath my ear. Flashing my teeth at him, I slapped his hand away. Getting up, I couldn't meet his height but I would not let him look down on me anymore. I was not beneath him.

Again, he raised his hand, slowly inching towards me.

I met his gaze head on, chin raised in defiance.

"You touch me again, and by god, I will slit your throat tonight while you're asleep."

This made him smile. A sick smile; I could smell the alcohol in his breath hitting my face. Inching his face closer, until we were eye to eye, he smirked at me and I wanted nothing more than to claw his eyes out.

"We'll see how good you'll be at that with your wrists bound to my headboard." As if it was a silent command, I drew back and threw my hand at him. But instead of it hitting him in the face, he captured it despite his drunkenness, squeezing my unbroken wrist until the bones were close to cracking. Like a woman possessed, a beast untamed, I threw myself at him, hitting, scratching at whatever part I could, not bothering to listen to my body that was screaming in pain still, my left hand not fully functional yet.

He stayed unfazed, letting me claw at his skin. He knew I was still weak; from all my injuries and the nights, I spent lying awake in bed, too numb to bother closing my eyes, while his perception of pain was numbed by the alcohol. I was a shell of my former self, no longer the dauntless no one dared to cross, with all these powerful men standing behind her, watching, protecting. I was all alone, at the mercy of this lunatic who had beat me senseless and killed my unborn child.

I did not speak his name out loud, didn't even mention it in my thoughts.

He was unworthy to called man.

He deserved no name.

Feeling him shudder beneath me, for a moment, I was triumphant, thinking I had hurt him. But then, with the utmost disgust, I realized he was getting off on this. He was getting off, breaking me and everything I once was. I had to get out of this fucking house; even if it was just for this night. There was nowhere I could go

Trying with all my might to get away from him, I screamed as he gripped me by the hips and heaved me over his shoulder. I tried to kick him, bit his shoulder until I spit out his blood and let my fists rain down on his back. But there was no stopping him; no halting him as he carried me up the stairs, taking no regard that my head hit the railing, or that my hand was still broken as he bound it to his headboard, all of his weight holding me down as he sat on top of me, restraining my weak body. When he had secured me, making sure I would go nowhere, he got up and kicked the door shut behind him.

Opening the clasp of his belt, pulling it from his pants, he let it fall to the floor.

When he undid his vest, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, I knew what was coming now. I had always known it would come to this.

There was nothing like this, to defile a woman so completely. The last weapon a man had to try and dominate a female completely; to show himself and the world that she was beneath him, his to take. With no regard to her feelings, without her consent.

An act of violence so vile, you could not ever forget it.

In this moment I swore something to myself.

No matter what he would do to my body, I would never grant him access to my soul.

Feeling the bed dip down beside me, I drew in a shaky breath, closing my eyes.

I would not go down without a fight.

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It was slowly getting colder in the city, the nights weren't as long anymore. Time had passed, three months now since I had lost my child. By now it would have been seven months old. I imagined how it would be, carrying that huge bump around everywhere I go, being able to talk and interact with my unborn child. How his little foot would look when he would kick outwards, how he would move inside me.

I never found out if it really was a boy, but in my imagination, it always was. A little Eric all for myself.

And another thing I learned. Time may have passed, but the pain did not. I tried distracting myself as often as possible, today being no different.

I was sitting on Natalie and Andrew Prior's dining table, all of my fading and new bruises hidden beneath my grey sweater. I needed the warmth. Following my discharge from the hospital, I couldn't stomach food very well and had lost quite a bit of muscle mass – not doing anything all day. They, as in most abnegation, still insisted I shouldn't do any work, which was only underlined by the fact that I still couldn't do strenuous tasks. Which they didn't know, was the result of ongoing abuse, not the one I had already suffered through. Surprisingly, I found that Susan was a big help. She came almost every day, helping me cook and clean (meaning she did almost all of the work by herself) while I used the only time of the day I could relax a little to catch up on much-needed sleep.

For this, I was genuinely grateful.

She even cut my hair after seeing the mess I had left behind, claiming she couldn't let me walk around like that. I had reveled in the feeling of the comb gliding through my hair, closed my eyes and pretended to be a little girl again. And that it was my mother gliding her hands through the thick strands, not a relative stranger that had become friend, then foe, then friend again.

I couldn't make sense of all this.

One thing, that wasn't as nearly as complicated was my relationship to Natalie. I adored her because her home was the only place in the whole faction where I felt safe and sound. I spent as many afternoons here as possible.

Like always, she placed the mug in front of me first before sitting down herself. We did this quite regularly. I found that I could confide in Natalie; she was like a second mother to me and I knew, she felt the same way about me.

She still missed both of her children.

We hadn't really talked about the night and everything that came after but I knew she was worried. She just was too polite to start the topic herself.

I sighed, pulling the mug closer before looking at her.

"Please, Natalie… Just say it. I know you've been holding it back for weeks now."

She hesitated for a second, then sighed herself.

"I'm really sorry what happened to you." Natalie looked at me from over her cup, everything about her being motherly. "It must have been horrible."

I swallowed. I didn't know which night had been worse. I closed my eyes, pushing the images away from me. When I opened them again, I was met with a worried gaze. I gave her a slight smile, trying to swallow down my emotions.

Hesitating for a second, I decided it was time to tell her how I was really feeling. Maybe she would understand.

"It's not just that…" I shook my head, not wanting to admit my weakness. "I should have been able to defend myself. It's all I have learned growing up. In Dauntless, I wouldn't have hesitated to attack first, to do everything to not let him get the better of me." I swallowed heavily. "It's like I don't know who I am anymore, it's like I've lost myself. As if everything that once made me brave was the black uniform."

"You know, that's not true." Natalie gripped my hands, squeezing them lightly before letting go again. "Bravery or selflessness, honesty or knowledge, kindness… There's more to it than just wearing colored clothing. It's attitude; how you carry yourself; how you treat others. It is your approach to life. And just because you failed once doesn't mean you failed every single aspect of your life. You will try again, though I hope not like that, and you will overcome whatever was holding you back. You will be strong again, Casey."

"But I feel so weak." Dropping all pretense, I stared at the mug in my hands, craving the warmth of the unsweetened tea. It was the first time, in all my life that I admitted fear. And strangely, it was more than just admitting that I had failed the values I had been feed on since being just a toddler. It was liberating.

I was finally able to breathe again.

Natalie pinched her lips, her expression disapproving. She did what all mothers were best at – lovingly disapprove. Her voice was hard, full of disgust.

"You were caught off guard, by a man – no, a monster – double your size in a dark house, while you were sleeping. You were scared and overwhelmed and not able to fight back. That is not your fault."

"He really is a monster." It was hard to swallow. I shook my head, closing my eyes. My voice was quiet, timid. "Maybe it's not my fault… but it forever will be my shame."

"No, it won't." Natalie's voice was harsh but got more gentle while she spoke, her expression full of compassion. Not pity. "There is nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong. Dear lord… that's what I always hated about the dauntless mindset." Rubbing her forehead, she seemed agitated. "There is something almost none of them get, even though it is so important." And she spoke the words I would never forget again.

"True bravery isn't the absence of fear; true strength isn't the absence of weakness. One can not exist without the other. Without fear, there is no bravery, nothing to overcome. With no weakness, there is no determination to get stronger, to get better.

Human nature is not our enemy, just the starting point of our development as individuals. There are urges an educated human should never succumb to, and others that are vital for our survival. We might be more than our nature, but we should never forget where we came from, or where we are going.

We were made like this for a reason. Maybe we should finally stop fighting it. Who knows… once we embrace our mistakes, our failures, we might be able to turn them into something valuable; something good.

A treat that defines us, a habit that will get us further than knowledge or bravery or whatever one of these values ever will."

I sighed, taking a sip from my still hot tea. She was right. Everything Natalie said made sense but I couldn't get over myself and fully agree with her. At least, I couldn't tell her I did. Everything I had ever learned at dauntless was that weakness was the absence of strength, that you couldn't be brave while fearing.

"Yeah, but you weren't raised like me." I looked down into my lap. I didn't want to insult her but it was the truth. We were so different. "You weren't raised to be a warrior."

"If you think so." Her answer was so evasive, I perked up a little. For the first time, I really looked at Natalie. She was different from all the other abnegation member's I had interacted with so far. She carried herself straighter, with more poise than the others. I tilted my head. It couldn't be… could it?

Inauspicious, I glanced up at her, fiddling with the hem of my sweater.

"I must have been the only dauntless transfer to abnegation in… what? Forever?"

"Twenty-two years." She raised one eyebrow, mischief crossing her face so fast I thought I had imagined it. A realization hit me and I harshly placed the mug on the table. Open-mouthed, I stared at her.

"No way!" I exclaimed, laying a hand on my neck, bending forward. "You were dauntless?!"

"I don't know what you mean." Natalie was suppressing a smile, but when she winked at me I knew I had hit bull's eye. I let out an incredulous laugh.

"I had no idea!" I was flabbergasted, truly lost for words as I stared at her, taking in everything I had thought to know about the woman in front of me. I should have realized sooner. Now I knew why I always felt so calm, so welcomed in her presence. She was a kindred soul, more than I had ever realized.

"Of course not." Her voice was solemn and she leaned back a little. "We do not talk about our pasts before initiation. No one does. Most have forgotten, that Marcus, for example, was a candor."

I recoiled, surprised by both her words and her openness. "That's really strange."

"Why?" She asked, surprised, tilting her head at me.

"Because he's such a good liar," I spoke the words before I realized what exactly I was saying. For a moment, we stared at each other, me wide-eyed, Natalie with furrowed brows. Knowing I fucked up, I scrambled to cover up my mistake. "I mean, he is good at avoiding harsh truths, like every good politician."

The quietness between us grew, twisted, became heavy. I squirmed in my seat. Fucking hell, Casey, I cursed myself. Can't you keep your fucking mouth shut for once?! See where it already got you!

Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply. The sound of a mug being placed on the table had my head whip up.

Natalie leaned forward, hands crossed on the table, her gaze resting solely on me.

"Don't say that out loud, Casey. Never." She was solemn, serious, and I nodded, burying my nails in the palms of my hands, cursing myself for not keeping my mouth shut. Natalie sighed, relaxing a bit and I waited for her to go on. To either call me out or to warn me again. Her words surprised me again.

"Politics have always been a delicate subject, no matter the time, or the subject. The same with the male ego…" Eyes twinkling, she raised her mug and I suspect she hid a smile behind the brim. "Once you insulted a man's self-image it will be insanely hard to placate him again.

And once you publicly shamed them, prepare for a lifetime of revenge."

Isn't that exactly what Marcus was afraid of? That I would ridicule him in front of his faction? My mind unwillingly wandered to another leader… Was he afraid of that, too?

Was that the reason he had been so angry? That he fucked a stiff-to-be and now feared someone could find out?

Was that the reason why my family hated me? Because I had brought shame on them? Was everyone I ever loved ashamed of me…?

I, for once, was.

"I'd much rather deal with revenge than with shame," I admitted after a long pause, looking up. Pinching her lips, Natalie sighed.

"Don't think too much about it, Casey. Feelings are temporary, emotions will wash out over the course of time. What might seem like the end of the world today, might only be a small mishap by tomorrow. And who knows," She smiled at me. "maybe all these mistakes weren't mistakes after all. They shaped you into who you are now, and they will shape you into the person you have to become. And maybe that's exactly who you need to be, once you realize your real destiny."

There was nothing I could answer to that. Except that maybe, someday I wished to possess the same wisdom as she. I smiled at her. "Thank you, Natalie. For everything."

"Don't worry about it, my love." Natalie smiled her motherly smile at me and I felt home. What a liberating thought. "If you need something, anything, please, do not hesitate to come to me."

"Thank you." I smiled at her, hesitating. She caught up on that, tilting her head. I laughed, encouraged by her always friendly antics."Actually, if you would anything to sweeten this tea, I would be forever grateful."

Laughing herself, Natalie got up and walked over into the small kitchen. Coming back, she placed a small jar of honey in front of me, sitting down again.

"Honey helps. Though it's nothing against dauntless cake."

I groaned, thinking about the chocolatey deliciousness. "It really is not."

And I had to laugh, thinking that somewhere deep inside the heart of dauntless a freak was just now getting it on with a piece of cake.

What a strange world we lived in.

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It was Wednesday and as always, Susan had come by after breakfast. She had helped me keeping the house clean and cooking dinner for Marcus once he would come home from his 'strenuous' day at the office, where he sat with his ass in a chair all day, got catered by his subordinates and stuffed his face with food he would call selfish to consume.

We were running low on groceries and since it was already late, I felt uncomfortable letting Susan walk through the faction all on her own.

There weren't many dauntless patrolling the perimeter and the factionless tended to stroll around at this hour of the night. So we grabbed our jackets and hurried to the supply building while the sun was already setting. We only had a few more minutes until they would close it till tomorrow morning.

We just made it in time, coming back out with two bags, each filled to the brim. Only the best for our selfless leader.

As we walked back, that strange feeling I've had all along grew more and more prominent and I found myself staring in all the dark corners, pulling Susan close to my left side as I kept a lookout for the danger lurking in the dark. I knew she felt it too, her breathing accelerated, her steps meeting the speed of mine.

I could feel him before I saw him.

Jumping out of the shadow of the building to our left, he was at Susan's side immediately, ripping the bag from her hand. Screaming in terror, she let go and all of the groceries tumbled out as she fell backward landing in the dirt. He came at her, his clothes ragged and dirt, his hungry eyes never leaving his target – until I stepped in between them. Whipping his head up, he glared at me and I knew that expression. It said I was a problem to deal with before he could have what he wanted – her.

"Listen," I spoke up, my voice strong. I would give him one chance to leave here – unscathed. "You can have whatever you want, just leave us alone."

He grinned at me, exposing a row of half-rotten teeth. "I have what I want right here."

Widening my stance, I stared him down. "You will never lay a single finger on her, believe me. Just fucking go back to the hole you crawled out of and maybe you will not spend the rest of your life behind the fence." I knew exactly what they did at dauntless to men like him – just what they deserved."

"Ohhhh," He laughed at me, interrupted by violent coughs. "And how will a pretty little thing like you stop me? You couldn't defend yourself, how are you gonna defend her?"

He looked past me at Susan, who had crawled towards the next building, cowering away at the wall in her back. I would have told her to run, or to get help but I knew that this scumbag would not stand a chance against me.

He had no idea who he just pissed off.

He smiled at her again, his creepy predatory smile that had Susan whimper, and he raised his foot, trying to advance on me. Having anticipated his move, I stroke first, pulling the foot he had still on the ground away while simultaneously placing my fist under his chin.

Just one well-placed punch and he was out like a light.

I scoffed, trying to shake the pain in my hand away. Hadn't he really learned any better on the street?

Leaving him in the dirt where he belonged, I hurried over to Susan who was outright crying and pulled her up and into my arms, letting her sob into my shoulder.

And then it was already over again. A pair of dauntless soldiers that I knew from passing, came running, no doubt having heard Susan's scream, grabbed and restrained him, while a third one first made sure we both were okay and then led us to the office building, informing the leaders about what just had happened.

My heart was in my throat, thinking of the last time I had hurt someone under Marcus' eyes… the scars were still visible on my maltreated body. But Susan beside me was so upset, crying and shaking that I neglected every thought on myself and took her into arms, holding her close, trying to calm her down.

They took us into the assembly room where the two of us sat opposite the leaders, Susan's hand in mine while she struggled under tears to recount the unpleasant encounter. I tried taking over all the talking to give her time to pull herself together, but she tried being brave. I admired her for that.

"He… just gripped my-my bag and we tried giv-giving him the food bu-but he didn't want it." Susan got out, before turning her head, pressing it into my shoulder. Raising my hand, I brushed over her hair, looking up at Marcus.

"He didn't want the food. He must have heard of the… incident and thought that Abnegation's women are an easy target. He tried touching her," I told them, and not selflessly added, "I just helped."

Marcus got up and came over. I tensed, anticipating whatever might come next. But not even in my most vivid daydreams I could have imagined what came next. Coming to a halt beside me, Marcus laid his hand on my shoulder and I froze, trying my best to not recoil from his touch like I did every time.

"You did well." He said, wearing a righteous expression. "They should never lay hand on one of us. I will make sure dauntless will patrol more of the perimeter. They owe this to us." He added towards Susan who nodded, her expression turning into silent admiration when he brushed his hand over her hair in a soothing attempt at calling her.

I inhaled deeply, asking myself why she was admiring this piece of shit as if he was a saint.

If only you knew… I thought, taking her into my arms one last time before following Marcus into the dark house, the food waiting forgotten in the fridge.

That night, when I lay beneath him with my head turned away, eyes closed tightly, he wasn't as harsh as he usually was. But I knew it wouldn't last.

It never did.

When I came back from visiting Susan the next day, he was already waiting for me, a pile of documents on the table along with a white, opaque garment bag. He grinned at me, reveling in my confusing. A hand on his pouch, the other on his bag, his gaze never wavered away from me, a hungry, expecting expression on his face. I felt my blood run cold.

What now?

Stepping forward, he said the words I would never forget again.

"I am going to make you mine, little slut."

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So… I'd say, never say never :D I know why I didn't update this in such a long time, it literally took ages to write this chapter! It is sooo long. And intense too :D

I have two more chaps & an epilogue planned but they'll be just as long as this one, and just as much work. It really felt as if this chap wouldn't end! I hope you have that feeling while reading, too :D

If you want to read more of my writing, I have started an original story called 'Dollhouse' on Wattpad. You can find me there under singingpeople, too. It would really mean the world to me if you check it out!

I have quite a few of the important scenes for this written/ outlined but I honestly have no idea how long it'll take me to write the next one. This chap was just massive :D

I'm sorry for the long wait but hope this makes it up (kinda) :D

Thank you for reading & reviewing!