I just couldn't get it right. I am a writer for god sake. This should be easy.
I had been sitting at my laptop for a couple of hours now, and I still had nothing. How did you write a letter to someone telling them that you love them, but want them to move on? I don't even know if I want him to move on. What I do know Is that I want to feel his arms around me, even just one more time. I want to hear him call me Bones again. I want to bicker with him again, share one of our secret smiles. If I tell him that I am sorry, but that our time is past it feels like I would be lying to him. I don't want to lie to him, I never did.
But lying is exactly what I did every time I didn't respond to one of his letters. Lying is what I did every time I let him think that I didn't love him, and that I didn't need him.
BANG BANG BANG
Confused by the banging, I checked the time. It was almost 3:30 in the morning, who could possibly be banging on my door at this time.
BANG BANG BANG
"Open the door Dr. Brennan or I will kick it down, I know that you are in there."
Oh my god Booth. Cam must have told him I was back, or Sweets the little rat bastard. I could pretend that I wasn't home. No he sounded angry, I can only assume that he would make good on his threat to break it down.
Slowly I reached for the dead bolt, and then the door chain. Taking a deep breath I slowly opened the door.
"Hi Booth."
He nods at me curtly.
"I'm coming in; we are not having this conversation in the hallway."
I moved out of the way to let him in, and then closed the door behind me. I watched as he headed towards the couch, then apparently changed his mind and started to pace my living room. He looked agitated, running his hands over his face.
"Do you want some tea?"
He finally looks up at me, almost as though he forgot I was here.
"Tea? No I don't want any fucking tea. What I want is an explanation. Why the fuck are you here? Why now? You are determined to make both of us bitter and alone I assume."
"Booth, I didn't know that you were engaged when I decided to come back. I only found out today."
"When did you get back?"
"Today. Booth if you would just sit we can maybe get this over as quick and as painless as possible. I have some things that I would like to say to you, as I'm sure you have some things to say to me."
"I have nothing more to say to you, I have said everything I could possibly say. But I would like an explanation though. But I'm not sitting, and I'm not drinking tea. I'm going to stand right here, and you are going to tell me exactly why it is you saw fit to tear my heart out and cut it into little pieces."
I wanted to tell him how impossible that was, but I knew that would probably be the wrong thing to say.
"Booth, you scared me. One minute we are there at your place having a good time, being friends, and the next we are making love in your bed. It had never felt that way for me, I felt so full. My heart, my soul and my body. And those thought scared me, I don't think like that. I should know that it would be impossible for my heart and soul to feel full. And yet that was the only way to describe it. Lying there after, I was floating. I couldn't deal with that. I was scared. Scared that it hadn't been that way for you, scared that I was alone in my feelings. I was scared that this could be the greatest thing that had ever happened to me, and then you would decide that I wasn't enough for you. I left because I needed to think, I prayed to god that maybe you would just forget it happened and we could go back. But then you said those things about proving your love, it should have been exactly what I needed to squelch my fears. But in fact it did the total opposite. That was irrational, and I just got more scared, because I hated that you made me irrational. I knew things could never go back. So I left. I went somewhere far, somewhere that I could only hope that I would get myself back. My rational self. Then you started writing me letters. I read every one of those letters. At first, I didn't want you to send them; I needed you to leave me alone. I thought that if I didn't respond that you would stop. But you never did. It was not until the very last letter, that I realized I loved your letters that I didn't want you to stop. I thought about writing back to that one. Or just coming back and showing up at your doorstep. But then I thought it was too late. I waited and waited for just one more letter, if you just wrote one more, I would come back, But you never did, and every day that passed it became harder and harder to justify coming back. You had run out of love for me. Just when I realized that I had made a big mistake, you had decided enough was enough. So I stayed there. I read that letter every night, reminding myself of what I had given up. I didn't want to forget the pain that I had caused you, I felt I deserved that."
Booth didn't say anything he just stared at me. I was beginning to feel nervous; this was the part that I didn't want to say, the part where I tell him that we should have no more contact that I was letting him go.
"Brennan, are you saying that you realized you loved me, but that you thought it was too late?"
I could only nod my head, that's exactly what I had thought. I felt the first of my tears drop. I didn't want to cry, I hated to cry. All I wanted to do was touch him, but he was standing so far across the room. His body was rigid, he was still so angry at me.
Suddenly he started to walk towards me. I couldn't move, I was frozen in place. I wanted him close, but was so afraid of my reaction.
When he was close enough that I could feel his breath on my face, he finally spoke.
"It was never too late Bones; it's still not too late."
And with that his lips descended upon my own. I had never felt anything so wonderful in my entire life. His lips were soft at first, gently brushing over my own. He wrapped his fingers in my air pulling me closer. When his teeth nipped at my bottom lip I couldn't control the gasp. As soon as my mouth was open, he took advantage and thrust his tongue inside. I finally got control of my body parts and wrapped my arms around his neck. I never wanted him to stop; I could spend the rest of eternity right here.
When he finally had to pull away for air he nuzzled his nose in my neck. I could feel him take a deep breath, and then his body stiffened. Putting his hand on my shoulders he pushed me away.
"We shouldn't be doing that."
Of course I knew he was right, this hadn't been my plan. I knew it was better for me to write a letter. I stepped further away from him so the both of us could get a grasp on our emotions.
"I'm sorry Booth. For everything. Maybe I should just leaveā¦
"Do not even say that. We can work through this. I told you that I would happy to have you in my life any way I could and I meant that. I am an engaged man, and we can be nothing more than friends. But I would rather be your friend then nothing at all."
"I agree Booth; I need you to know that I will be happy. I want you to marry Kherington and live happily ever after. As long as you are my friend Booth I will be happy."
Booth nodded his head.
"Booth it's um late, and I should really get to bed. I start work back at the Jeffersonian tomorrow."
"Yah you're right. Do you want to have lunch tomorrow? I do really want us to be friends. I would like to introduce you to Kheri."
I nodded my consent.
"I would like that Booth; I will meet you there at 1:00. Good night Booth."
I opened the door for him, he seemed to hesitate a moment, then he made up his mind and walked through the door. Goodnight Brennan"
I closed the door behind him, and leaned my back against it. Placing my fingers to my lips, I started to cry. What have I done? How was it going to ever feel right again.
