This is more crack than canon!Coffee obviously. It contains StigxNaruto. If you don't know who the Stig is, I'm afraid we can't be friends.


"So what time do you think you'll be home?" Sasuke asked over the phone.

Naruto had his helmet resting against his hip as he stood next to the bike, watching Kiba riding around the muddy course. "Uh. Maybe around 6 or so? It's about a half hour drive, and we have another hour left to mess around."

"I don't know how I feel about you 'messing around' with Kiba all day."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "You know, we offered for you to come with us. You should've taken off work. I thought you liked to get all dirty?"

"Not while on a bicycle, thanks," said Sasuke.

"They're dirt bikes. They aren't just bicycles. I think you woulda had a fun time. And it would've been a good chance to impress me." He lowered his voice, "It'd be sexy if you could ride."

"There are other things I'd much prefer to ride, Naruto."

Blushing, Naruto had to look away from the course. Not that Kiba could've seen him from there, but it was a little odd to have this sort of conversation with another guy while riding dirt bikes through the mud. It was supposed to be manly, and having a hard on while riding might prove rather uncomfortable.

He cleared his throat. Sasuke spoke after he'd gone silent.

"So have you at least had a good birthday so far?"

Naruto smiled. "Yeah. It's been nice. I'm lookin' forward to tonight though."

"Oh, why? Is something special happening?" Sasuke feigned ignorance.

"I know you have something planned, Sas."

"What did you just call me?"

"Sas. I got too lazy to finish your name."

"That doesn't bode well for the things I had in mind..."

Naruto chuckled. "I'm never lazy when it comes to that. Alright, I gotta go, though. Kiba's stopped on a hill, glaring at me."

"I'll take care of dinner. I have something in mind. Do you want me to pick you up on the way home?"

"Sure. We'll probably head back to Dad's after this so I can shower," he replied and started to straddle the bike.

"Okay. I'll call you when I'm close."

Smirking, Naruto gripped the right handle and squeezed it. "Mm. I like when you do that."

Sasuke sighed. "You're incorrigible. Do you have to take everythng in a sexual way?"

"Yes. If it's you and me talkin'. Then definitely yes."

"I'll see you soon, birthday boy. Try not to kill anybody out there."

"Will do. See ya later, Sas."

Sasuke groaned and hung up on him. Naruto laughed as he put his phone into his jacket pocket and zipped it up. He placed his helmet back on and flipped down the visor. Kick starting the bike, he waved to Kiba and, pulling at the clutch, he shifted into first gear. Slowly releasing the clutch as he pumped the gas, he chased after his friend, a trail of mud spraying out from behind his back wheel.


By the time he and Kiba had finished screwing around, they were both covered in layers of mud and dirt. They drove back to his Dad's in Naruto's truck. After having a shower, it was already 5.30, so he was just waiting in the basement for Sasuke to call. The three of them were playing some Grand Theft Auto. His Dad's gift to him had been the brand new bike and paying for he and Kiba to spend a few hours at the course. Kiba's gift to him had been his presence.

After a few more minutes, Sasuke called to say he was only a few miles away, so it wasn't another ten minutes before he was coming down the stairs.

"Hey, Sasuke!" said Kiba, waving over his shoulder as he continued playing.

Naruto handed the controller over to his Dad and got off the couch to greet Sasuke. Sasuke kissed him on the cheek.

"Hey," he said to Naruto. "Happy birthday."

"Hi." Naruto smiled at him "See, I didn't kill anybody."

Sasuke put his hand on top of Naruto's head, ruffling his hair. "That's good, because if anything had happened to you, I would've blamed Kiba."

"Oh right, like it's my fault if he doesn't know how to work a clutch!"

Naruto turned around. "What are you talking about? I taught you how to ride."

Kiba was smirking. "Don't say things like that around your boyfriend or he might get jealous."

"Just to let you all know, I'm still here," said Minato. "Back in my day, we used to keep our sex lives on the down low as you kids say today."

"No one says that anymore, Dad." Naruto shook his head. "And I don't wanna hear about your sex life either."

"Why not? Your Mom was a firecracker in bed. How do you think you were born?"

"Oh God, please stop!" Naruto hid behind Sasuke and leaned his forehead against his shoulder. "Are we ready to go or what?"

"I'm thinking that's one more quality you may have inherited from your mother," Sasuke remarked, wrapping an arm around Naruto from behind to pat him consolingly on the back. "But yeah, we should get going."

Naruto perked up. "See, you do have something planned."

"I didn't say that, but your dinner is in a bag in the car, and it's going to get cold."

"Fine, fine. Okay, we're off. Dad make sure you slaughter Kiba if you guys play some CoD. I'll be back tomorrow." Naruto picked up his jacket from off the couch. Neither one of the two men even responded.

"I SAID I'M LEAVING!"

"So go already. We heard you." Kiba waved him away and snickered. "We know you'll be in good hands the rest of the night."

Naruto was set to argue, but Sasuke grabbed for his hand and led him to the stairway.

"Come on," he said to Naruto, speaking softly.

Naruto followed after him, and as they left the house and got into Sasuke's car, he sniffed at the familiar smells coming from the bag.

"Is that what I think it is?" he asked excitedly, ready to tear open the bag. "Did you bring this all the way from Chicago? That one place I like?"

"I did. I even got it with the thicker noodles, just the way you like."

"Oh my fucking God, I love you so much." He unfolded the top of the bag and took a great big whiff of his miso pork ramen with udon noodles. He put his hand on Sasuke's thigh. "You're so good to me."

"I know," said Sasuke, smiling at him as he turned his head. "I still have one more surprise up my sleeve, though, and I do expect to be rewarded for it."

"Sure, I think I have a blowjob in me. Do you want it now?"

"I thought we agreed not to do that while either of us are driving anymore."

Naruto pouted. "Yeah, I suppose that's for the best. My legs are sorta sore from the bike, too, so maybe nothing that requires a lot of acrobatics."

"Don't worry. Whatever we decide on, I can be the one who does all the work."

"Sounds good to me!" He rolled the top of the bag, happy and content. "It's my first birthday with you. Isn't that weird?"

"Hm? How is it weird?" Sasuke glanced from the road to regard him for a second or two.

"You know, just that it feels like you've been in my life as long as Kiba. That we're still together and all that, and, I dunno. I still like you as much as I did the first night I met you. Maybe even more, which I didn't think would be possible."

"You're happy being with me?"

"Very, duh. Are you happy being with me?"

Sasuke grabbed for his hand, lacing their fingers. "Of course."

"Okay, if you love me so much, you should tell me what the surprise is!"

"Let me think about it..." said Sasuke. "I'm going to go with... no."

"Bastard," Naruto teased, wistful as he gazed out the window. They were driving by the lake, heading toward Sasuke's apartment, taking the scenic route.

"I'm so happy that that's your term of endearment for me."

Naruto smiled. "Me too."


Once at Sasuke's apartment, the both of them sat on the stools in the kitchen. Naruto ate his ramen, savoring every last bite, while Sasuke poked at his yakisoba. Ollie was at their feet, waiting for a handout. Eventually he gave up and curled into a ball by Naruto's feet. They chatted about this and that. Sasuke told him about his day at work, and how he'd been given a couple of tickets to see the Fleet Foxes at a small venue in Chicago next month.

Naruto was slurping up a noodle. "What's your favorite song of theirs?"

Sasuke tilted his head to the side. "Blue Ridge Mountains."

"How come that one?"

"Reminds me of my brother."

"Ah. Have you talked to Itachi lately?"

"I'm sure you've talked to him more recently than I have," Sasuke remarked, a hint of jealousy in his tone.

"Don't be like that," said Naruto, pointing his chopsticks at his boyfriend.

"Right. Why do I sometimes get the feeling that if you'd met him first, you would've chosen him over me."

Sighing, Naruto set his chopsticks on top of the bowl. He shifted to face more toward Sasuke. "That's not true at all."

"No?" Sasuke asked, eyebrow arching.

He put a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "Of course not. Your brother's straight and way too cool to be into me."

Sasuke scowled. "You suck."

"I will if you want me to. Want me to drop down onto my knees now?"

"No," Sasuke said, turning away from him and pouting.

"Come on, Sasuke," he whispered, pulling him by the sleeve and nipping at his ear. "Don't be like that."

"You smell like ramen."

Naruto had a very smart reply ready when he heard a knock at the front door and frowned. He looked at Sasuke questioningly. "Are you expectin' somebody?"

"No," Sasuke continued to scowl. "Why don't you make yourself useful and answer it. Maybe it's your buddy Itachi dropping in to wish you a happy birthday?"

"Really?" Naruto asked, slightly excited by the idea.

"I hate you," said Sasuke, and he gave Naruto a shove off the stool as the person at the door knocked for a second time.

"Fine." Naruto got off the stool, sliding across the floor on his socks as he went to answer the door. He opened it wide and then blinked at what he saw in front of him. Stupidly, he pointed. "Y-y-y-you're..."

Without a word, the person stepped into the apartment. Naruto stood there dumbly before he swiveled around, the door still open. Sasuke appeared at the threshold of the kitchen. He leaned against the frame.

"Some say," spoke Sasuke, "That in his spare time he rents himself out for special events like birthdays and Jewish bris and bar mitzvahs. All we know is... they call him The Stig."

Naruto wanted to laugh. He felt his face heating up as The Stig put a hand on his chest and tilted his head to the side. Naruto could see his reflection in the black visor of his helmet.

"Is this really happening?" he asked as he stumbled backward and fell onto the couch.

The Stig was dressed in his white racing suit. He pulled out a small, portable stereo and set it on the coffee table. He turned it on and some sexy song started to blare out of its speakers.

Sasuke had walked into the room, smirking with his arms crossed against his chest. "He wasn't very happy to hear I own a Prius."

"Is... is the Stig about to give me a lapdance?"

"Well, the Stig doesn't necessarily count as another man, so I suppose I can allow it. Enjoy it while it lasts. I'm sure he can handle it, though, since his ass has been seated in an F1 racing car."

"If you tell me he brought the Bugatti Veyron along with him, then I think m'gonna propose to you tonight."

"Sorry," said Sasuke. "There was a waiting list."

The Stig took off one of his gloves and shoved it in Naruto's mouth.

"I guess he's all about getting down to business," Sasuke said slyly.

Naruto alternated between wanting to laugh and genuine confusion as the Stig turned around and wiggled his flat ass around and then dipped it low into Naruto's lap while his arms were out in front of him, moving as if he had his hands on a steering wheel. Never once did the Stig speak a word to either one of them, and after about 15 minutes of gyrating, he quietly got out of Naruto's lap and, picking up his stereo, he let himself out of the apartment without looking back.

Naruto sat there for a while. "What the fuck just happened?"

"Isn't it obvious? The Stig came across the Atlantic to help you celebrate your birthday."

"Nuh uh." Flustered, he stared at Sasuke. "Was that... Kiba?"

Sasuke shrugged. "No one knows the Stig's true identity."

Naruto narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Itachi wouldn't do that, would he?"

"You think my brother is the Stig?"

He smiled. "Honestly? I wouldn't put it past him."

"Like I'd let my bother give you a lapdance."

"But you'd let Kiba?"

Sasuke came over to him and put one knee up on the couch, and then the other until he was straddling Naruto. He leaned forward.

"Of course not," he answered.

Naruto put his hands on Sasuke's ass. They started to kiss as Sasuke's hand snuck underneath his shirt and traced just above the waistband of his jeans.

When they parted, Naruto smirked. "How would you have felt about a threesome?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "With the Stig?"

"Sure." Naruto put his hands on either side of Sasuke's waist and rocked his hips up while pulling him down against him.

"Are you even sure he has any genitalia?"

"Good point," said Naruto. "Maybe he could've just watched. You know, sort of like your fantasy of watching me and David Tennant going at it."

"Shut up." Sasuke flicked him in the forehead, leaned in, and kissed him again. "Happy birthday, idiot."

"Thanks. Some say... his sheer awesomeness can give even a straight guy a boner."

"The Stig is amazing in that regard," Sasuke said dryly.

"The Stig?" Naruto smirked. "I was talking about you, Sasuke."

"Are you sure you're not gay?"

"Only for you, Sas. Only for you."