Into the darkness
Rated: G
Spoilers: none (maybe a little Resolutions – massage)
Summary: Kathryn 's depression gets the best of her.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters. Story is all mine! BDC 2010
It took two men to escort a furious Janeway to her quarters.
When they locked the door behind her, they heard thumping on the inside of the door.
They were glad they were outside.
The PADD on her desk was the last thing to be flung across the room.
It shattered against the door. After that, she just stood there, feeling empty, numb.
There was nothing she could do, so she undressed herself and walked to her bathroom.
She was in desperate need of a long, hot soak. While she waited for her tub to fill, her mind drifted off.
"Building? What could you be building? And why can't you tell me?"
"You can't stand it, can you? You're like a little kid wheedling!"
She remembered how excited she was when he led her outside, his hands covering her eyes.
She didn't know what to expect. The bathtub he had made for her was the best surprise she had had in a long time.
She stood up, turned off the water and took off her underwear.
Then her reflection caught her attention. She turned to her side and followed the curve of her belly with her hands.
"You look beautiful." He wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his hands on hers.
She closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them again, he was gone.
She shook her head and stepped into the bathtub. She felt her muscles relax with the warmth of the water. Again, her eyes fluttered close.
"Want me to wash your back?"
Her eyes snapped open, but he wasn't there. She sighed deeply and drew in a deep breath.
She slid down, her head under water. There was no sound, nothing to disturb her for a moment. In desperate need of air, she resurfaced.
"Kathryn..."
"Stop it!" she screamed.
"Kathryn, what's wrong?"
"Why are you doing this to me? It's hard enough as it is." She covered her ears, trying to block it out.
"I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to."
This was killing her.
She got out of the bath, put on her robe and marched into the living area.
She picked up her uniform jacket and took her comm. badge.
"Janeway to the Doctor."
"Captain, is something wrong?"
"I'm losing my mind."
"I'm on my way.
"I hope you can get through to her."
"I hope so too." B'Elanna said and rang Captain Janeway's door chime.
As suspected, they didn't get an answer.
She was still relieved of duty, but she hadn't been confined to her quarters anymore.
It had been weeks since anyone had seen her, even the Doctor. It was him that alarmed the others, so they came up with the plan to send in B'Elanna.
Tuvok entered the override code and let B'Elanna in. She nodded and waited for the doors to close behind her before she approached her Captain.
She was sitting in her recliner in the dark. B'Elanna knelt down before her and placed her hand on Kathryn's. She didn't move.
"Kathryn?" She didn't even look at her. B'Elanna saw a tear run down her cheek and her heart broke, seeing her strong, independent Captain like that.
"Soon I know I'll wake from this dream." she said to no one in particular. Something startled her, because the look in her eyes changed.
She looked down at the woman before her and smiled a half crooked smile. She took B'Elanna's hand and placed it on her belly.
"He's here." she whispered but B'Elanna didn't feel the baby move.
"Captain, you need to see the Doctor."
"Why?"
"Because you have to, for the baby."
"The baby is fine, can't you feel that?"
"For yourself then."
"No!"
"Captain..."
"Leave!" she ordered. "Leave me alone." She pushed B'Elanna away and ran to her bedroom, closing the door behind her.
"Torres to the Doctor."
"Yes."
"She will have to be examined by force."
The Doctor appeared in Janeway's bedroom by a site to site transport. She lay curled up on the bed.
"I'm going to do some scans." He just said and opened his medical tricorder. She didn't move.
He was glad to see that everything was fine. The baby was in good health, but that couldn't be said of the Captain.
She still hadn't gained any weight.
"I'm going to inject you with the vitamins now." He pressed the hypo spray to her jugular and released its contents.
He stood up and left her for a moment, only to return with a sandwich and some juice.
"Captain, I need you to eat this." She covered her face with her hands and shook her head.
He set the plate on her nightstand and forced her to sit up. He took her by the shoulders and made her look at him.
"Captain, you're going to eat this!"
"You can't make me."
"The hell I can. It's this or I'll be forced to take you to sickbay." She looked at him in shock.
"Fine." She reached for the sandwich and took a bite. He waited for her to finish it and handed her the glass of juice.
She finished that too and lay back down.
"Thank you." The Doctor said and left her.
"Kathryn, why are you doing this to yourself? I need you to be strong!" His hand cupped her cheek.
"And I need you!"
"You have 'the family' to take care of you."
"Then if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave." She pulled back to escape from his touch.
"I can't do that until I'm sure you are alright."
"How can it be alright? They cannot replace you!"
"Kathryn..."
"Your face haunts me in my dreams. Your voice chases away the sanity in me. I'm bound by this life you've left behind. This life growing inside of me."
Her hands covered her belly. "I need you here with me; I can't do this by myself." She took his hand and pressed it onto her lower abdomen.
The baby kicked and she closed her eyes.
The only thing she thought she felt, was his lips kissing her forehead, before she drifted off to sleep.
Janeway stood in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection. She couldn't believe she was looking at herself.
The pale face and the blood shot eyes were something she hadn't seen in ages. Not since the time her father died.
It had been enough! She needed to get control again. She decided to finally get out of her quarters.
She took a quick shower, dressed herself, did her hair and make-up and left for the bridge.
"Captain on the bridge." Harry announced as he always did. Tuvok turned around in her chair and looked at her.
"Not the Captain, Harry, just Kathryn today." She held up her hands and gave him a small smile.
Tuvok stood up when Janeway approached him. He started to say something, but she stopped him.
"I'm fine, Tuvok. It was time to step back into the light."
"Is it safe to assume that you are fit for duty again?" he asked.
"I think my ship is in good hands. I have other priorities at the moment." she gestured at her belly.
"Acknowledged."
"But I don't mind working in the background for now. Status?"
"Very well." he said and sat down again. She looked at Chakotay's chair, took a deep breath and sat down.
Tuvok got her up-to-date in no time. Reports were being brought to her from every station. Voyager was in good shape.
She decided to pay Neelix a visit. She needed to know how the crew's moral was since her 'disappearance'.
"Captain, you don't know how happy I am that you're up and about again."
"Don't mind me saying, but I've missed you." he winked and couldn't stop himself from giving her a hug.
"Neelix, you're crushing the baby." she said, barely able to breathe.
"Oh, sorry." he said and immediately let go. She drew in a deep breath and straightened her jacket.
"Come, sit down! Can I get you anything? Coffee, today's special, a piece of Pecan Pie..."
"Neelix!" she stopped him.
"Sorry... again... It's just..."
"I know, you're happy to see me." she laughed. She realised it had been a long time since she had done that.
Leave it to Neelix to always know what to do at the right time.
"Well, I can't have coffee anymore, I already had a sandwich, but the Doctor is hassling me about my weight, so... I would love a piece of that Pecan Pie."
"Coming right up." he said and skipped off to his kitchen. She couldn't help but smile again.
She saw B'Elanna enter the mess hall and called out to her.
"It's good to see you're smiling again." B'Elanna said and sat down next to Janeway on the couch.
"It feels good too, but I still feel I've got a long way to go." she sighed.
"As long as you know we're here for you. Whenever you need us."
"I know. And thank you for the other night. I really appreciate it." She placed her hand on B'Elanna's knee.
B'Elanna smiled and covered Kathryn's hand with hers.
"There you go." Neelix handed them both a plate with a slice of pie. B'Elanna hesitated for a moment. "Enjoy."
"Thank you." They said in unison. Kathryn took a bite and closed her eyes in delight.
"Mmm, this is so good."
B'Elanna tried it too and had to admit that the pie was delicious.
"Better than Leola root whatever." she joked.
"You don't say!" Kathryn chuckled and enjoyed the rest of the pie.
Kathryn spent her days taking it easy.
She started with breakfast in the mess hall, a trip to the bridge and her ready room to read the reports.
She then, or went to Astrometrics, or paid a visit to Engineering.
And every Wednesday, she went to sickbay for her check-up, like a good girl.
"Well, Captain, I'm very pleased. You don't only look healthy, you are healthy."
"The baby is growing nicely, has a good weight and has completely turned. It's just a matter of sitting it out now."
Kathryn pushed herself up on her elbows and looked at her huge belly.
"One month to go. A long, whole month." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "I feel like I'm going to explode."
The Doctor helped her off the table. She stretched her back and winced.
"My back is killing me. This is worse than a headache, which is bothering me too."
The doctor took a hypo spray and injected her with the contents.
"That's for the headache. For your back..." he started and guided her to the other side of sickbay, "I have this wonderful piece of equipment."
He gestured towards an odd looking chair. She arched her eyebrow and turned her head to look at him.
"Trust me." he said and made her sit down. He took her arms and placed them on the armrests on the back of the chair.
He gently began massaging her back muscles.
"Since you can't lie down on a table, I had this replicated just for you."
He worked on her sore lower back and made his way up to her shoulders.
"This feels nice." she whispered. She arched her back, pressing herself into his strong hands.
He took her hair, which had already grown past her shoulders again, and threw it over her shoulder to work the knots in her neck.
She froze.
"Captain, you have to relax those muscles."
She pushed herself up from the chair. He looked at her confused.
"I have to go." she said, barely a whisper and hurried out of sickbay.
The minute she stepped through the doors to her quarters, she completely broke down again.
She had to hold on to the chair to prevent herself from falling to the floor.
Then she felt two strong arms wrapping themselves around her waist.
"It's okay, beautiful, I'm here. Just let it out." He pulled her onto his lap and held on to her.
"No!" she yelled and jumped up. "You're not here!"
"Kathryn..."
"I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be."
"Do you want me to?"
"Yes! No! I don't know." She went to her bedroom and curled up on the bed.
For the first time in a long time, she cried herself to sleep again.
"Kathy..." She stirred and turned on her back. "Kathy!" Her eyes flew open, but she wasn't at all ready for what she saw.
"You've got to be kidding me." She rolled her eyes and turned her back to the person who had just waked her up.
"I'm here with an offer you can't refuse."
"Go away, Q!"
