Chapter 7: Heartache
That urgent kiss eventually lead to cuddling, and a tangle of two bodies, tenderly melded together on a small sofa, a calm, warm peace floating above the new lovers, till it was ruined. It had been months since the nightmares, since the horror, the blood, the violence, the torture, the words that sliced deeper, then the knives had, that dug deeper than rope, and then, came the screaming, the thrashing, the outburst, the drumming in the ears, and then a panicked voice.
"D-Dean...stop...Dean!", someone holding him down, he had to fight, had to escape, had to run.
"Dean..please...Dean!", the voice was familiar, slowly the fog began to lift, and green eyes began to focus, landing on frightened blue, and then stillness, hands slipped from his wrist, sitting up, Dean looked around. The table was broken, the sofa overturned, shards of glass sprinkled everywhere, a mess, slowly his reluctant gaze fell on Cas' face, cuts littered his hands and face, a large bruise surrounding his frightened eyes, and Dean gasped, scrambling backwards till his back hit the wall. He looked at his hands, bleeding, shaking, guilty.
"Cas..", he croaked, the small man edged closer.
"Dean...", an uneven, unsure, quite voice replied.
"stop!...don't come near me...don't please...don't", wide, anguished green eyes pleaded, Cas paused.
"Dean..it's okay...its-", Cas tried, but Dean shook his head vigorously.
"no..no..no..call Sammy...call my brother Cas...call Sam", Dean was shaking again, slowly rising, Cas winced as he headed to the bedroom in search of Dean's jacket, meanwhile Dean rolled himself up into a tiny, pathetic ball, shaking, eyes shut tight. Cas called Sam, half an hour later, there was a frantic knock on the door, Sam and Jess both gasped when they saw Cas' bruised face.
"you must be..Castiel", said a gangly, moose haired man, Cas tried to smile but it came out more of a grimace.
"you must be Sam", Sam nodded.
"are you okay?..", Sam asked glancing around nervously.
"I'm alright.." Cas replied evenly, before his eyes fell on the concerned blonde, seeing his gaze, Sam smiled sheepishly
" Sorry erm.. this is Jess..my fiancé", the woman smiled kindly, while Cas nodded in acknowledgement.
"where's Dean...where is he", Sam asked his face falling into despair, Cas stepped aside and shakily pointed to the man huddled in the corner. Sam stumbled forward , making his way to his brother, falling to his knees he reached out gently touching his older brothers arm.
"Dean..." he called out softly, slowly, a head rose up and distraught green eyes, fixed on familiar hazel eyes.
"sa...sa-..Sammy..I", Dean's voice quivered, hearing the pain in his brothers voice, broke Sam's soul, his grip tightened.
"it's okay Dean..everything's going to be okay", Sam said with a weak smile.
"I didn't mean...what have I...done..I should have died..Sammy..I wished I'd died..that day...I wish..", no more words fell from Dean's lips, only choked gasps, and tears, the brothers remained on the floor, tears in both their eyes.
"come on Dean..", Sam pulled his older brother to his feet, he turned to face Cas and Jess who hadn't moved from their spot.
"Jess..take Cas to the hospital,...I'll be following behind in Dean's car", Jess nodded, as she gently tugged on Cas's arm, who didn't move, eyes completely fixed on Dean's lowered head.
"is Dean okay...is he... okay", Cas asked, Jess looked to Sam, who looked at Cas strangely.
"he will be...he will", even Sam sounded unsure, Cas wanted Dean to look at him, but he wouldn't, so Cas let Jess lead him to the car.
"will he really be okay...", Cas asked, Jess turned her kind eyes on the small man beside her.
"I believe so...", Cas nodded before staring straight ahead.
"you're a strange man Castiel..", Jess said awhile later.
"why do you say that?", Cas asked with a small tilt of the head.
"you keep asking if Dean's going to be alright...but you won't ask why... he's not alright", Jess said steadily.
"that's his story... and I want to hear it from him...it's his pain, it's unfair to ask someone else about it" Cas replied evenly.
"you must like him a lot", Cas smiled sadly.
"a lot more than that...a whole lot more", Cas replied evenly, the last few words coming out in almost a whisper
When they finally arrived at the hospital, Cas's cuts were cleaned, he got an ice-pack for his black eye, and stitches for a cut on his arm, Jess remained by his side the whole time.
Once he was done, Cas quietly followed Jess to meet up with Sam, and hopefully with Dean, they met Sam outside Dean's room.
"is Dean okay?...", Cas asked straight away, Sam rubbed the back of his neck.
"he's okay..", Sam replied tiredly rubbing his eyes.
"then..can I see him", a tense silence followed the small request, Sam looked at Jess, before letting his gaze fall back on Cas.
"Castiel..he..he..erm doesn't want to see you", Cas' face remained blank as the words settled on his bruised chest.
"why... is it the guilt...because he feels guilty" Cas inquired, Sam's face confirmed his assertion.
"it's more than just guilt Castiel...it's so much more", Cas nodded slowly.
"still I want to see him...let me see him... Sam" Castiel voice was firm, his gaze determined.
"but..."
"please Sam...just a few words", the firmness was gone, only fear remained in Cas' voice, Sam sighed, he went into Dean's room, it was a long torturous 15 minutes before he stepped out, nodding to Cas, who let out a breath, he didn't know he was even holding.
"you have two minutes...don't expect anything", Sam said gently Cas nodded nervously before his shaking hands reached for the handle and he entered the room, Dean was sitting up, his back to the door, eyes gazing out the window, even as the door clicked, he didn't acknowledge Cas' entrance.
"Dean..I er...just want you to know that I don't blame you.. or hate you... and that I forgive you...so please don't push me away...please don't give up on us... okay...Dean?", still nothing, Cas' hands were shaking as he stared at the back of Dean's head. After what seemed like forever Dean finally turned around he took in the purple bruise around Cas's beautiful blue eyes, the cuts littering his pale skin, the stitches on his hand. Slowly he stumbled out of bed trembling as his bandaged hands traced Cas' bruised face, before they fell to his side.
"I could've killed you Cas... and I almost did", Dean said calmly.
"but you didn't Dean..you didn't mean it and you... stopped", Cas pleaded.
"I don't have the energy to deal with my demons Cas, or yours...and a relationship is out of the question" Cas hated the resignation in Dean's voice.
"Dean..we can do it...we can handle-" Cas tried.
"no, we can't..I don't want the responsibility", a clean, firm interruption sliced through Cas' words.
"Dean..." a whimper.
"it's good this happened now, I would've had to leave eventually", Cas grabbed Dean's arm.
"stop it Dean...I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid..I can wait till you're ready..till-" the look in Dean's eyes, stopped Cas' words.
"Don't wait...because I won't return to you", tears gently trickled down pale bruised cheeks as the words cut through his soul.
"why are you doing this...because it's not for my benefit and I don't think it's for yours either", Dean reached for Cas' hand, firmly pulling it off his arm.
"you're making too big of a deal..we haven't known each other that long...it won't take me long to forget you...you should do the same...forget me Castiel", Cas' heart stopped, he said his full name.
"what if I can't..", Cas' trembling voice asked.
" then you'll be holding on alone... because I won't hold onto you", they stood in silence fresh tears washing over the dried ones, and then Dean turned around, away from Castiel.
"is this really how you want it to be", Cas asked.
"Yes..", no
"you want me to leave"
"Yes.." don't go
"You won't miss me..."
"I won't...", I miss you already
"why does it feel like you're lying to me", Dean swivelled round grasping Cas' shoulders.
"I wish I'd never met you...leave", Dean said evenly pushing Cas towards the door, and yanking it open.
"Dean...please", one last plea, with big blue Bambi eyes.
"I don't want to ever see you again..Castiel", and then Cas was being shoved out, the door slamming in his face. He stared at the door blankly, feeling his heart begin to rip into a million pieces, he turned away, to find jess and Sam staring at him with concern.
"Castiel...", he vaguely heard Sam call him as he began walking down the corridor, tears endlessly caressing his cold cheeks.
After Cas was gone, Sam stood by his brothers door, hearing the painful sobs coming from the broken man inside the tiny hospital room.
AN; I'm so sorry, my updates aren't consistent, I will try to remedy it, anyway this has clearly moved away from the smut with a bit of plot I was going for... I hope you guys still enjoy it, thanks for the fav's and reviews and follows, they are super appreciated :)
