What had he done?

Adam stood in the shower, both hands braced on the tile, letting the hot spray hit his face and neck.

What the hell had he done?

His fingers had still smelled of Cindy's pussy when he'd stuck them in April. How was that for a fucking betrayal? It hadn't been the same as fooling around with Jay behind Cindy's back. Jay felt right. Everything about what he'd done with April felt wrong. The whole time, he felt shitty about the things he'd said to Cindy, shitty about losing his virginity to the class bicycle, shitty about wishing it was with Jay. But he'd gone through with it anyway.

What had he fucking done?

He washed the lipstick and girl-slime off his cock, but he couldn't wash off the guilt. The worst part of it, the real kick in the berries, was that he didn't feel any different. Having sex with a girl hadn't transformed him into a new man. Adam got out of the shower and looked, really looked at himself, and saw the same dorky old Adam looking back at him. The same cro-magnon forehead, the same hazel-green eyes, the same lanky body. The same desire to fall into Jay's arms and have him kiss all his troubles away.

He'd wanted it to work. He'd thought sure it would work. Then, maybe they could have found Jay a girlfriend and have it work on him too, and they could live happy, normal lives. Why couldn't he just be normal?

He got ready for bed on autopilot, not really feeling the toothbrush on his gums or the comb tugging at his damp hair. The comb sucked, especially with his long kinky hair, but he'd thrown the hairbrush away. He'd liked the feel of it inside him way too much. He slipped between his sheets and stared at the ceiling, but sleep wouldn't come.

Maybe it hadn't worked because he didn't love April. Of course, he didn't love Cindy either. She'd made him see that he didn't love her. Not the way he was supposed to. Not the way he loved Jay. Fuck, he'd never admitted that to himself before. It wasn't just Jay's body he craved. He craved the sound of his laughter, his bad jokes, his quiet reassurances when Adam was having a bad day. He missed bickering about games and the smug smirk on Jay's lips when he won. He craved Jay's presence beside him while watching wrestling or movies. For the first time, Adam admitted what was missing in his life, what would make him complete.

But admitting and accepting were two different things.

o~o~o

Judy Copeland worried about her son. Adam had been puttering around the apartment for over a week, moping. He never moped. He lost his temper sometimes, and he had a pout that would put Marilyn Monroe to shame, but he never moped. On top of the moping, he was cranky, and more than one conversation ended with his bedroom door slamming. Considering she only got to see her son an hour or two a day, this was unacceptable. She had to get to the bottom of whatever vexed her baby boy, so she did something rare. She took some time off.

First thing in the morning, Judy made steak and eggs, Adam's favorite. They rarely bought steak, and she'd had to move some money around to afford this one, but she could add some water to the soup the rest of the week. Not like it would be the first time she had to stretch a grocery budget. Of course, that plus the few hours off work... Judy pushed that thought from her mind and focused. This was for her baby. She brought the plate to his bedroom, where he couldn't run from her, and knocked.

"Adam? Sweetheart, can I come in?" She'd grown up with brothers, she knew better than to barge into a teenage boy's room unannounced.

"Whatever."

She took that as a yes and entered. Adam sat up against the headboard of his bed, his long legs bent up and his nose in a book. The steak got the nose's attention though, and Adam raised his head.

"What's that?"

Judy sat on the edge of the bed and presented the plate to him. "It's breakfast."

"Oh, Ma..." Adam took the plate, looking at his mother. "You shouldn't have... We can't afford..."

"Hush now," she said with a smile. "You need to eat something. And I know I'm not around as much as I'd like to be, but I can still tell when my boy is unhappy."

Adam sighed and picked at his eggs. "I'm okay, Ma. You don't need to worry about me. You gotta work, I get it."

"Are you okay?" she asked, reaching over to tuck his hair behind his ear. "I haven't seen Cindy in a while. Did something happen?"

Adam nodded, his eyes fixed on the small steak in his lap.

"You know you can tell me anything," she prodded. "It might help to talk about it."

"I doubt it," Adam muttered with a snort. Then he saw his mom's raised eyebrow and his face crumbled. "I screwed up, Ma. I screwed up so bad! Cindy and I had this huge fight, and I said some things to her. Heinous things. And I can't even apologize, she won't talk to me at all. Not that I blame her."

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry," Judy cooed, putting an arm around her son's shoulders. "Maybe she just needs some time to cool off. We all say stupid things when we're angry and hurt."

Adam put the plate aside and laid his head on his mom's shoulder. He might tower over her now, but she could still make him feel like her little boy. "She doesn't need time. She hates me. It's over. And she doesn't even know the worst part."

That gave Judy pause and made her heart sink. "What's the worst part?"

"After our fight, I kind of... I, well..." He hesitated, then his voice dropped. "I sorta cheated on her."

"Sorta?" She looked at Adam, whose face was a portrait of misery and shame. "Oh, Adam. So you..? With someone..?"

Adam nodded, his eyes downcast. This was one of those rare times Judy wished Adam had a father around. She'd had one of his uncles give him The Talk, but she wasn't prepared to guide him through the intricacies of adult relationships. She knew she was being foolish, but some things a mother just didn't want to know. There was a lot she didn't want to know. Still, his need to talk outweighed her discomfort.

"Had you... with Cindy?"

"No," Adam mumbled. "I hadn't ever, before."

That gave some small measure of relief. At least he'd waited until sixteen. Heck, even she hadn't made it that far. She stroked his hair for a moment, delaying the questions she had to ask. She had to ask them, or they'd eat away at her more than the answers would. "Did you... use protection?"

"Ugh, Ma..."

"It's important! You need to use-"

"Don't say it, Ma," Adam interrupted. "Please, don't say it! I was safe, okay?"

"Okay," she replied, then stroked his hair some more. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet. "Was it with Jay?"

Adam bolted upright and stared at his mom, the blood draining from his face to leave it a pallid greenish hue. Judy stared right back, her expression unreadable. Adam tried to croak an answer, licked his lips with a dry tongue, then tried again. "No, Ma. Not with Jay."

Judy scrutinized his face. Well, he wasn't lying, but he wasn't telling her the whole story, either. Before she could say anything, he turned away and sat on the edge of the bed. "God, Ma! Why would you even ask me that?" His voice cracked, and he ran his hands over his face.

"I don't know, dear. Forget I asked." She'd ignored the way the two boys looked at each other, and outright denied the suggestive noises she thought she heard in the next room when Jay slept over. Still, the guilt Adam had been displaying seemed deeper than just problems with Cindy. And she'd never seen a boy be so miserable about losing his virginity. Even now he averted his eyes like a puppy caught chewing a favorite slipper.

"Well, it was a girl, from school. And she's not the relationship type, it was a one time thing. I don't really like her anyway."

Judy knew what that meant. The girl was easy. "If you don't like her, then why?"

"Because she would," Adam mumbled.

Judy sighed. It broke her heart that his first time was a one night stand, but first times were never what they should be. "I won't shame you, it looks like you're ashamed enough. You know that's not the man I raised you to be. And I know people make mistakes at your age." She pulled him close again and tightened her arm around his shoulders in a reassuring squeeze, even though she could barely reach anymore. When did her little boy get so broad? "Cindy will hurt for a while, but she'll eventually talk to you again, and you'll apologize. Just, in the future, try not to let hormones overrun that smart brain and good heart I know you have, huh?"

A little smile tugged at Adam's mouth, and he exhaled. "Thanks, Ma. You always make me feel better."

"Does that mean you'll come out of your room once in a while and not slam the door in my face anymore?"

"Oh god, I've been so... I'm so sorry!"

Judy chuckled. "It's all right. Just don't make it a habit. I'll leave you to your breakfast now." She kissed him on the temple, but when she made to get up Adam called her back. As she paused, he started playing with his fingers.

"Hey, Ma? Just out of curiosity, like totally hypothetical... If I told you it was with Jay, what would you do?"

She'd asked herself that same question many times, against her own will. Her brain could never linger on it long enough to come up with a satisfactory answer, preferring the warm comfort of denial. Now, looking directly at her beloved son, seeing the hope and fear in those precious hazel eyes, only one answer came to her. "I'd love you. No matter what."

"What if... what if we, were like... a couple? Me and Jay?"

A strand of blonde fell in front of his face as he ducked his head, and she tucked it behind his ear. Her own hair was dark, and sometimes she was almost jealous of the spun gold her boy had been blessed with. He'd always been such a pretty boy. Her family had joked since he was a tot that they'd have to beat the girls off with a stick. Apparently it wasn't the girls they had to worry about. "I won't lie to you, son. I'd be disappointed. And scared."

The disappointment made him wince, but he glanced over at her. "Scared?"

"Yes. The same way I felt when I realized you were serious about this wrestling thing. It's a hard life. And dangerous. You could get really hurt, and that scares me. But, I love you, and I'll support you. And tell you to be careful. Although, careful never really was your style," she said with a rueful chuckle.

"You wouldn't be mad? You wouldn't disown me or kick me out?" he asked. A look of horror passed over his face. "Or make me never see him again?"

Well, she could tell what his priority was. She would have laughed if she didn't feel like crying. "Adam, I want you to be happy. If Jay will make you happy... Sweetheart, is that what you really want?"

"No," he said, and tears gathered at the corners of his reddening eyes. "But I think it's who I am."

"Oh, Adam..." She took her son in her arms and held him as he tried not to sob. That was all right, Judy knew she'd sob enough for both of them later.

o~o~o

Jay didn't hear the phone ring, but he heard his mother yell that he had a call. He left the sanctuary of his bedroom to pick up the extension in the hallway. Even if he'd noticed Josh's door was open, there was no reason for him to care. He picked up the handset and covered the microphone. "I got it, Mom!" he shouted, then put the phone to his ear to hear the click as she hung up. "Hello?"

"Hey. It's me."

Jay expected Fatty to be on the other end, so his heart practically leaped in his throat when he heard Adam's voice. "Hey." He didn't know one word could hold so much breathless anticipation, so much relief yet so much longing, yet there it was. Jay cleared his throat and tried to compose himself. For Christ's sake, it was only Adam.

"I don't know if you heard, but I broke up with Cindy."

"Yeah, John told me. He didn't say why." Jay hadn't exactly been in the loop lately, but he'd known that little tidbit for a while now. At first he practically lived by the phone, snatching it up as soon as it rang, but it was never Adam. As the days passed, he sometimes found himself dialing the first few digits of Adam's phone number before checking himself and hanging up. Adam had to be ready. Oh god, please let him be ready.

"There were a couple reasons. Mostly the screaming fight we had when I wouldn't say 'I love you' just to get in her pants."

"Ouch," Jay hissed. He tried not to make the next question sound too eager. "So, it's really over then?" Well, that try hadn't worked. Maybe Adam wouldn't notice.

"Really over. Like, way over. She won't even talk to me it's so over."

At least he hadn't noticed. Though, it might have been kind of nice if he'd noticed. "I'm sorry. It's gotta hurt, I know you two were close. Even if you weren't, y'know... in love." The phone line between them grew thicker, and words came slower as the world around them faded to nothing.

"Yeah, it's okay. I'm uh, kinda in love with someone else... but I mighta fucked that up too." Jay's breath came faster as Adam's voice lowered to that sultry whisper he heard in his dreams. "Jason, I need to talk to you. In person. My mom just left for work."

Jason. He'd called him Jason. His insides did cartwheels and he got a funny feeling in his toes. "I'll be right there! Wait, you mean me, right? You're in love with me?" He bounced on his feet, wanting to run to him, wanting to stay and hear Adam say he loved him.

"Yes, dumbass! God, I hope you'll still love me. I really fucked up..."

"I told you, remember? I'll always love you. Always. I'm on my way."

Josh almost laughed out loud as his little brother slapped the handset back in its cradle and started down the hall, then stopped and bolted back to his bedroom to grab a cassette. Judging by the scribbles on the white cover, it could only be a mixed tape. Josh hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but he couldn't help it. By the time he decided to give his brother a little grief about the call, Jay had yelled something and flown out the front door, leaving Josh to find their mother alone in the kitchen.

"So Jay's running out to meet that girl, eh?"

Carol looked up from her magazine. "No, that was Adam on the phone. Jay's going to hang out at his apartment. What girl?"

"The girl he was..." Josh fell silent as he replayed Jay's side of the conversation over in his mind. Carol had to tap his arm with her rolled up magazine to get his attention and ask what was wrong. "Oh, nothing. Yeah, there's no girl."

Carol smiled. "You're a good brother. I'll just pretend I didn't hear anything about a girl." She zipped her lips and winked, and Josh gave her a thumbs-up before going back to his bedroom. In a daze, he shut the door and sank onto his bed.

"There's no girl..."