There were worse places to be stuck than the bunker, he guessed. But Dean Winchester did not take kindly to being unable to go wherever he damn well pleased. The snow this year was insurmountable and had they not already stopped at least the most famous Apocalypse, he'd be concerned it was starting. Freak weather spikes were running rampant and it felt like the depths of winter even though it was nearly Spring.
The worst part of the whole experience is that Sam wasn't able to get into Lebanon and Dean wasn't a hundred percent sure his brother was okay. He'd gone to see Charlie because she'd called sounding a little worried about one of her internet friends. Despite Dean's protest Sam said someone needed to stay back with Crowley, and Cas wasn't really up for human/demon babysitting at the moment. So they'd done a round of rock, paper, scissors for it and apparently training yourself to lose the damn game at a young age formed some kind of memory muscle because he seemed unable to throw anything but scissors.
They didn't have any cell service the storm had probably knocked the local tower down, and being underground didn't really help the situation. Even the internet had been knocked out, but they did have a pretty extensive entertainment library. The men of letters kept every kind of old media they could find, and when Charlie returned from Oz sans Dorothy, he'd quickly decided that they needed a shopping spree. So they'd bought a big screen, and practically every classic western, sci-fi, action, horror flick they could find and then proceeded to clean out some of the newer selections too.
"Hey Cas, wanna "Immerse yourself into some more aspects of humanity?" He said with a coy glint in his eye. The new human had been declaring that statement for nearly three weeks and always with air quotes so Dean mimicked the movement.
"I will not fall for that one again Dean, Sam explained to me that I was not supposed to do your laundry just because I walked through the door last." Castiel's face lit in a fond smile, and Dean could feel his chest tighten, air constricting softly. It was still weird to see the Angel so relaxed in his face less like a vessel and more like an actual human person.
"Nah Cas, besides I would have told you… eventually.. I just figured maybe we'd watch a movie or something.. never too late to catch up on all those references you've missed over the years, huh?" He said playfully and Cas just smiled back at him and nodded a quick yes.
They were about thirty minutes into Raiders of the Lost Ark when he heard a phone ringing..
"Do you hear that?" Castiel asked and Dean paused the movie before he followed the noise into the Control Room. He found an ancient phone ringing and he picked it up more than a little curious about the incident.
"Hello?"
"Yo Dean, Sam just wanted me to tell you he's fine and not to freak out and go all crazy stalker on him."
"Charlie?"
"Yup, hacked the old system there and found the phone number… Can you believe it didn't even have ten numbers Dean .. it was FOUR! Do you know how hard it is to call a phone with four numbers Dean? Let's just say I used my mad skillz and you owe me some hardcore gaming handmaiden!"
"Well done Charlie, Thanks for calling.. I couldn't have went on a rescue mission anyway, can't get in or out of Lebanon the bridge is washed out completely, looks like you and Samantha are gonna be bunking for a while.. maybe you can talk him into a haircut eh?"
"Roger that, Over and out!"
Dean chuckled as he realized the phone was already dead on the other end. He placed the old handset back on the cradle and stood up a little too quickly, not previously noticing just how close Cas was standing before his body was pressed flushed against him.
"Oh, sorry…" Castiel said backing off just a little and Dean did everything he could to hide his blushed cheeks.
"No problem, lets get back to the movie, but first I'll go make some popcorn!"
He rushed off in the direction of the kitchen hoping Castiel would find his own way back to the theater room as they'd dubbed it since making the renovations. He took a couple minutes to breathe deeply hoping to stop the trainwreck his mind was becoming whenever he was near his best friend.
Once the popcorn was successfully popped he swallowed harshly before he made his way back to the darkened area. He strategically placed the large bowl between them hoping that it would create more distance in his own mind than it seemed to on the large comfortable sofa.
The movie resumed and right around the time Indy found the wall of snake entry, he felt a warm thigh against his and quickly realized Castiel had put the bowl on his lap and moved closer subconsciously. Dean couldn't blame him, it's not exactly like he knew what he was doing, and there wasn't anything corrupt about the touch… it was just as innocent the Angel himself. Still their legs firmly placed together made Dean's heart race and caused a harsh thrum in his ears.
If it were almost anyone else.. he would have casually slid his knee toward them, maybe a light brush of his hand against their leg as he reached for the popcorn blindly, but Castiel wouldn't understand that. He wouldn't know what it meant and as much as Dean wanted to convince himself that his somewhat social ignorance was only more reason to do it, he just couldn't. It felt far too much like taking advantage of a drunk person or something.. and it left a gnawing ache in his stomach.
Dean didn't really see the last half of the movie due to the anxiety humming inside him, but luckily he'd seen it enough times that he'd practically memorized it. When and if Castiel had questions he could answer them easily enough. The most funny thing about the experience was that Cas wasn't confused at all, he actually mentioned that some of the events from the movie were based in truth which blew Dean's mind. He shyly admitted that the actual event wasn't nearly as dramatic as the film portrayed it but the truth was that the famed tablets had been located in an underground cave, to which he was fairly sure they were still kept.
They moved onto Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, despite the fact that Dean wasn't sure how much longer he could stand the combination of anxiety and adrenaline. Castiel pushed himself even closer and began to talk quietly into Dean's ear asking an occasional question or commenting on something, after he was reassured that it was okay to interrupt.
"Dean..I know that Indiana Jones is a fictional character.. but.. who is that man?"
"Oh that's Harrison Ford… uh why?"
"I don't know.. there's just something...I just… There's something I like about him.. he's very appealing."
Dean outright laughed, and normally he probably would have been a little jealous but even he couldn't fault anyone for finding Harrison Ford attractive.
"Yeah he's appealing alright.." Dean continued to chuckle.
"I'm sorry but I don't understand why you're laughing.. did I say something wrong again?" and damn if Cas couldn't pull off the kicked puppy look just as well as Sammy.
"Nah Cas, it's not that .. it's just I dunno.. I mean everyone thinks Harrison Ford is hot.. it just means you're human and you've got eyes."
"It's not just his appearance Dean, I mean he is very handsome.. but even as a human I can see beyond that. He's heroic, and brave, and kind.. not unlike yourself."
Dean was left speechless, his thoughts scrambling to try to find some other reason that Castiel would say something like that.
"Dammit Cas you can't just say stuff like that. I mean you can't compare me to Indiana Jones, or Harrison Ford...I mean.. I'm nothing like either of those guys.."
Castiel just tilted his head and looked at him with concern showing deep in his eyes.
"I cannot believe that after all this time you still don't see it. I am here, forgiven by you without hesitation, despite basically wrecking the one person you love more than anything or anyone else. I broke Sam when I was blinded by the pursuit of greed and power. I have lied to you and nearly killed you with my own hands, and yet you welcome me into your home and call me friend. I do not enjoy bringing these old wounds up for either of our sakes Dean, but you must see it… you cannot possibly ignore the evidence... If nothing else I alone have tested the limits of your graciousness, and I know it's unending bounty." Castiel's eyes went electric blue and Dean could almost feel the Angel power still radiating out of him but quickly realized it was just a flicker of light or something, because Cas was human now.
"I'm not gonna lie man some of that shit was screwed up but.. there's also a lot of good stuff you left out.. I mean .. You saved our asses more times than I can count and the rest of that well.. when you're family you take the good with the bad." Dean shrugged and leaned back nursing a warm beer he'd gotten before the start of the second movie.
"I do understand how you feel about your responsibility and loyalty to family, and I can't say I disagree with you because you've taught me these lessons well, and I have learned so much from you and am better because of it. But you say these things like they are the normal, the common, the average opinion of everyone, that it's nothing that anyone in your position wouldn't do, but you're wrong Dean." Castiel paused but held a finger up almost too humanly. He raked a hand through his slightly longer hair causing heat to travel a bit further down on the hunter's body than his face.
"So many humans spend their days searching desperately for ways to hurt others. The majority of your kind perhaps entertain the idea of kindness and generosity, I will not discredit that. However, you must imagine that not everyone would sell their soul in exchange for a brother's life, not everyone would take on the armies of Heaven and Hell to save all of humanity, while the others sat in their homes and worked their jobs completely and utterly unaware to the events that passed."
"Well no, I mean nobody would do that shit Cas but the reason I did was because I was the one who started the damn Apocalypse, I can't just expect everyone else to clean up my mess…"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Castiel's voice booming growled with the raw energy once given to him through angelic grace. Cas' hand clenched onto Dean's shirt and he pulled them even closer together.
"You did not start ANYTHING! My brethren orchestrated the entire farce in hopes to end all of existence and YOU and SAM … You're the ones who STOPPED it! They did not call you "The Righteous Man" simply because you broke the first seal. Do you know the true meaning of the word RIGHTEOUS Dean? If not, I'm happy to inform you that it's not ordinary or average. It's GOOD, it's DECENT, it's VIRTUOUS, and while you have your faults you're the best of humanity.. not the most average.. the BEST!" Castiel's face radiating anger and confusion somehow at the same time.
"Jesus Cas, tell me how you really feel." Dean chuckled and failed to disguise the nervousness in his voice with sarcasm."
Castiel let go of his shirt and instantly Dean felt like he'd lost something, the heat from the other man's body no longer warming his own.
"I can't…" Castiel replied with an unsaid something left hanging in the air.
Dean cocked his head back in surprise, not understanding what his friend was talking about.
"What do you mean you can't? You can't what?"
"You don't know what you're asking of me Dean Winchester!" the use of his full name on the lips of his angel always sent a rough shock through his system.
"Well why don't you tell me what I'm asking, or something.. you can't just act like there's this big secret you can't share with me Cas, we all know what happens when we hide things from one another."
"This is different, I'm not.. I have no intentions of endangering anyone, I'm not on a quest for anything, quite frankly I'm not part of any kind of dubious plan .. I just have something I can't share.. I'm sure there are things about you I don't know.. consider this one of those things."
"The thing is though Cas, I don't like you keeping secrets at all.. it has a way of biting me in the ass.. and honestly man.. there's really nothing you can tell me that's gonna change the fact that you're family to me." Dean could sense the tension in Cas' voice and worked hard to get it out of his own.
"If I share this with you it can never be unsaid, it can never be taken back and it will change everything. You don't understand.. because you're so willing and open, your soul it… it practically begs to be taken and you give it so freely…I ..Dean I can't."
He tried very hard to forget what Cas had implied and focus on the movie but there was an uncomfortable buzz surrounding them. They were further apart and it didn't make things as easy as he originally suspected.
"I'm not stupid." Dean huffed under his breath.
"I'm sorry what was that?"
"I said, I'm not stupid...Dammit Cas Do you think I don't know what you meant by that? I mean I get it.. I guess... I get that you don't want my needy ass latching onto you.. but you can't just push that on me like it's some sort of cross for you to fucking bear.. okay it's just not."
Castiel, Former Angel of the Lord rolled his eyes… he honestly rolled his fucking eyes.
"Of course that's what you heard from what I said...Why should I have expected anything else?"
"Don't fucking roll your eyes at me.. that's .. that's not even your thing!"
"I might just make it my new thing if you're really going to be so asinine."
"You.. you're being ..assnine not me!" Okay so Dean knew that wasn't the best comeback in the world but his chest was tight with pain, his fists curled in frustration, and his body was rigid with adrenaline. It was hard to keep his mind focused on stupid things like insults.
"I will only say this once Dean Winchester so you better hear it right the first time.. I DID NOT SAY THAT I DIDN'T WANT YOUR LOVE, I SAID THAT I DO NOT DESERVE IT! You are so willing, so open to give of yourself and all I have ever done is take and take and break you more than anyone has a right to, certainly anyone who claims to love you in return… You are asking for me to inject my poison inside of you, know you would take and accept it willingly enough, and not see the inevitable pain it will cause you. I WILL NOT HURT YOU AGAIN! I REFUSE!"
Dean's hands moved quickly to the back of Castiel's head and pulled him in harshly. Their lips crashed together in a firm hard press, and the hunter bit roughly against the softly chapped lip. It was not gentle, it was not forgiving, it was not loving even.. it was raw, passionate, and incredibly long overdue. When they broke apart they were both panting and Castiel was left to lick the small dab of blood from his bottom lip.
"I'd rather have you cursed than not...what was so hard to understand about that the first time? Just don't screw me over again.. and we're good. Now come on.. I'm gonna "Immerse you into some more aspects of humanity." Dean said with a playful smile as he pulled the long slender fingers into his own and led the way to his bedroom down the hall.
