Hey everyone! I'm SO SO sorry it took me so long to update! I haven't forgot about this fic I promise! I've been so busy and life is so stressful that I've only been able to work on one fic. But now I have more time and I promise it won't be this long of a wait next time! I hope you like the fic and the way that it's going! Dean is going to have a lot of struggles coming up but you'll see Sam wanting to help his brother for a change! And you'll also discover some of what really happened to Dean! Oh and don't worry, psycho-Ashley isn't gone! She'll get even more crazy by the time the fic ends! Thanks for all the reviews! Oh and don't forget to check my poll out so you and decide what fic I'll write next!!
Sam swallowed hard as he watched his big brother crumble in front of him. It all made sense now. The reason why Dean became an alcoholic, how he curled up in a ball when he slept, how he struck out when Sam had gone to touch him earlier. Dean had been raped, violated in the most horrible, gruesome way possible and Sam didn't know what to say to make this better. He didn't know if he should act angry at whoever did this or be gentle to Dean. He decided to take it easy first before he blew up.
"I....I knew you would be disgusted by-by me..." Dean sobbed and stuttered, misunderstanding the reason for Sam's silence. Sam watched as Dean curled up in a tight ball on the bed and bit his lip so hard that blood started to drip down his chin. Dean just looked more pathetic by the minute and Sam couldn't take it anymore.
"Dean...hey, look at me." Sam managed to say, his voice shaking. Dean did nothing to show he had heard Sam as his crying continued. "Dean..." Sam tried again and went to lift Dean's head so he could look at him. But Dean pulled his head away and shrunk further into a ball, his body trembling.
"Should...shouldn't even bother...what's the point..." Dean mumbled
"Dean...what are you saying?? " Sam decided to speak up even if Dean wouldn't look at him. The fact that his brother was saying he shouldn't even bother with his life scared him more than anything. "Why in the world would I be disgusted by you? It wasn't your fault." Sam told him while placing a hand on Dean's shoulder, wincing when Dean slightly flinched.
"I'm so n-nasty now...d-dirty...can't...S-Sam..." Dean reached up and grabbed at his hair with both his hands and started rocking back and forth, making Sam's heart clench ever more.
"You're not dirty Dean, some bastard violated you! It doesn't label who you are!" Sam couldn't help it as his voice got louder with anger. He pulled his unwilling brother into his arms and held his shaking body against his chest.
"Wa...wasn't one..." Dean whispered, finally giving into the embrace as he leaned on Sam.
"What...what wasn't one Dean??" Sam asked him quietly, trying to calm down because Dean needed him right now.
"W...wasn't just one....more guys...." Dean choked out and his body started shaking even more violently.
Sam couldn't believe what he was hearing. "There was more than one?!" He yelled, pulling his brother back. Dean whimpered at Sam's reaction, ducking his head and cowering. "No..no I'm not mad at you Dean! I'm mad at them, I'm furious!! Why..why in the world would they do that Dean...how..."
"I...I need something Sammy...drink..." Dean mumbled with his head down, his eyes avoiding Sam's gaze.
"Dean..."
"Please...if you want me to tell t-then I need something. So..so it's not as bad...please..."
And Sam just couldn't deny Dean at that moment. After all Dean had been through, he could have his drink.
"I have another whiskey bottle hidden, I'll let you have it." Sam told Dean, trying hard to keep his emotions under control for his big brother as he got up to go into the kitchen.
"Sammy!" Dean called out in a gasp and Sam spun around, afraid something had happened to Dean. But all he saw was Dean sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest on the bed, looking embarrassed.
"What Dean?"
"Please...don't...don't leave..." His voice was barely above a whisper and Sam wanted to cry right there. Dean was afraid that Sam was taking this opportunity to leave and get away from him.
"Of course I'm not going to leave Dean. I'll be right back, just going to the kitchen alright?" Sam told him gently with kindness. Dean nodded quickly and resumed biting on his bottom lip, looking away from Sam again.
Sam hurried off into the kitchen, trying to resist the urge to throw up. His big brother had been raped and he was terrified because of it. Dean needed help and while Sam was going to stick with him through every step of the way Sam knew Dean needed other help as well. Sam would help him through this but Dean was going to need more professional help later, no doubt about it. He needed rehab and therapy, detox and counseling.
But first thing's first. Dean needs him before he needs all that other stuff. Sam needs to help him realize that he's not disgusting and wrong, that it's not his fault at all. He needs to get Dean eating again, get him happy, help him off the drink, help him get the Impala back. He needs to help Dean regain his dignity.
So Sam grabbed the hidden whiskey bottle and looked around before taking a swig of it himself. The last thing Dean needs to see is him drinking as well. He hurried back into the bedroom where Dean reached out automatically for the bottle, needing the horror of his past to be dulled by the burn of alcohol. Sam handed it to him and sat next to Dean as he took long swigs from the bottle, drinking like he was dying of thirst. Sam watched how Dean's body started to relax and his fist started to unclench. The more Dean drank the more glazed his eyes became. Finally it looked like Dean was done with half the bottle empty.
"Dean..." Sam started but Dean looked at him with fright and took yet another swig, whiskey dribbling down his chin. Ever swig killed Sam inside even more.
Dean put the bottle down again, only a small amount remained in it this time. He turned his head to look at Sam, his drunk eyes unfocused and full of sadness and fear.
"Don't...don't know where...how...to start...don't..." Dean mumbled, his voice slurring as he grabbed the bottle again. It took everything in Sam's willpower not to reach out and take it from Dean.
"It's okay Dean. Take as long as you want." Sam told Dean and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, trying to calm his trembling.
Dean sighed and took another gulp of the whiskey, looking at the small amount remaining with sadness. "I....I wanted...to come get you...when Dad went....missin'." Dean said slowly, the slur still accenting his words.
"Yeah, I remember you telling me that. What made you stop?" Sam asked, asking questions was the only way he was going to get anywhere with Dean and it was the best way to understand what happened.
"I...I decided to wait. You...looked so happy an' I couldn't ask you. I was so close, but I....decided to wait a while. Come back the next day..." Dean shivered and Sam tightened his arm around him. "Can't...can't..." He mumbled and shook his head.
"I'm here now Dean. I want to help you, but I n"eed you to tell me what happened. I won't think any different of you Dean." Sam coaxed him.
Dean nodded and mumbled something unintelligible before taking one last long swig, draining the bottle empty. "On my way back...there's a bunch'a guys...beatin' some girl. I went'a stop 'em even though there 'as so many." He slurred and leaned into Sam. "I got a lot'a 'em but there as too many. One hit me in'a back'a my head an' I fell down. Knocked'a wind outa me and my gun outta my hand. Then they grabbed it an' 'fore I knew it they had me pinned...'gainst the wall...put some rag over my face and...." Dean stopped then and leaned over, looking like he was about to throw up. Sam felt the same.
"What Dean? Wh-what happened?" Sam asked in a shaky voice. He could only hope that Dean had been knocked out when they had raped him.
""T-they waited 'till I was waking up....an' they....they did it to me..." Dean was crying now again and Sam was holding onto his brother with all the strength he had, as if that would make the pain go away. "They took...took turns...god Sammy....it hurt so bad...."
"God Dean..." Sam whispered, tears falling down his own face, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Nobody deserved this, much less Dean!
"I kept havin' nightmares....wouldn't go away...started drinkin' and then I wouldn't have the dreams....could forget....then I found Dad finally...and he yelled at me...pushed me away...an' I needed him...I....he was...didn't even let me explain...." Dean shook and wasn't able to control his nausea any longer as he lent over the edge of the bed and vomitted violently. Sam didn't even flinch away as he rubbed his brother's back.
"That ungrateful bastard!" Sam growled. "They didn't do it again Dean...did they?!"
Dean shivered and Sam knew he wasn't going to like what was coming next. "Came an' found me gettin' outta a bar....one of em'....did it again...beat me...begged him to stop. Said...said he'd come back if...Sammy...I didn't sell the Impala....he said...if I gave it to him he'd stop..."
"Why didn't you drive away Dean?!" Sam said and regretted how angry his voice sounded.
""No point...already was an' alcoholic....didn't drive it jus' slept in it....didn't leave 'cause had to watch over you...wanted it to stop..." Dean moaned and clutched his head "I'm so dirty...ruined..." Sam could see Dean's eyes starting to droop from too much alcohol and exhaustion.
"Dean you are not dirty! Do you hear me?! What they did to you was outta your control!" Sam told Dean, and his brother shook his head.
"Shoulda' stopped it...I'ma hunter...let them..."
"You didn't elt them Dean! They drugged you! God Dean...you should've came to me! I would've helped you!" Sam told his brother with sadness.
"Couldn't...thought you'd hate me...like Dad..." Dean whispered quietly before his head dropped on Sam's chest and slowly he fell asleep.
Sam's phone vibrated on the nightstand and Sam saw that he had about 4 missed calls from Ashley. That's it! He can't stand it anymore! He wanted to have a normal life but what did that get him? It caused his father to turn away, Jess to die, Dean to get rapped and become an alcoholic and given him a crazy pyschotic obsessed girlfriend! Obviously a normal life just wasn't for him!
Sam grabbed the phone and texted two words to Ashley. We're over.
Dean had given up so much for Sam, and now it was time for Sam to return the favor.
He was going to find the Impala and beat the guy to death that has it, because that was one of the men that violated his brother so horribly. He was going to bring the Impala back to Dean and they were going to drive away. Away from this city with it's horrible memories, way from psycho-Ashley. He was going to try to help his brother by getting on the road again, and then get him checked into rehab. He was going to find his father and knock some sense into him, make him feel so guilty that he will be crawling back to Dean, begging for forgiveness. He was going to fix his brother.
He was going to make things right, normal life be damned.
