I wake up early in the morning. Tris is still asleep. Her eyes closed, her lips a little parted. She looks peaceful. She looks safe.
In reality though, it is just the opposite. I go on the mattress, one knee on the bed, and touch my hand on her forehead. She's not sick. Good.
I decide to shower. The water is cold, but the rest of me is warm, so it doesn't matter. When I come out, tris up. She is observing her bruises through the mirror.
I lift my hands to dry my hair. She looks up at me, her eyes drilling through mine.
"Hi." she says. It's a small word. Her throat still hurts. I don't mention it though.
I touch her bruised cheeks, making sure I do so gently. It is dark blue, but shouldn't take to long to heal.
"Not bad. How's your head?" I ask.
"Fine." she touches the bump, and winces a little. I don't press on this though.
I carefully place my hand to her side, where she got kicked really hard. I remember when I first touched her, the day I told her to use her knees and elbows. Her heart was racing then. It is calm now.
"And your side?" I ask, my voice low.
"Only hurts when I breathe." she says.
I give her a small smile." Not much you can do about that."
"Peter would probably throw a party if I stopped breathing." No, because he would be factionless before he could have the chance. I don't say this though.
"Well. I would only go if their was cake." I joke.
She gives a small laugh, but winces. It must hurt her, but it's good to know I she laughed at something I said. She puts her hand to where mine is, which is still on her side, to steady herself. I slowly pull my hand a way, my fingers grazing her side, gently.
Her eyes are a little tired, and she is weak. I don't want her to go. But she has to. And she knows it too. I nod, and usher her out.
When we are in the dining room, I have to make sure things are casual.
"I'll go in first." I say. "see you soon, Tris." and with that, I go in the dining room. I go to Zeke, Shauna, and Lauren, and sit down next to them.
" were you last night.I went to look for you. You weren't in your apartment. I checked the control room too." Lauren says, chewing her breakfast.
"what time did you look?"I ask. I either went to look for Tris, or I fell asleep, and didn't hear Lauren knock.
"like, forty-five minutes after the initiates fell asleep." Lauren says.
Yup. I was beating the stupidity off Drew at the time.
"Well…their was an accident at the time… I heard someone scream and-"
Tris comes in. she does exactly what I say. She looks down at the floor, and letss her hair expose her bruise. She looks weak. But I know better.
Shauna, Zeke, Lauren all turn to face me.
"What…happened exactly." zeke asks.
Might as well tell them. It's obvious to everyone else already.
I come closer to the middle of the table, and whisper.
"Remember one of my initiates? Edward? You know how peter poked him in the eye with a butter knife, because he was second, and wanted to be first? Well, for stage two, Tris was first. Peter tried to hitch her over the chasm, with the assistance of Drew, and Al." I tell them.
"that clarifies what happened to Tris. Al though? I Thought they were friends." Shauna replies.
"Not anymore, I guess." I state, flatly. Peter stares at tris, maliciously.
"What did YOU do exactly. Peter barely has a scratch." Shauna says.
Right on cue Drew appears. I didn't see the damage I did to well last night- I was focused on tris. Now that I see him, a satisfactory smile spread across my mouth. The damage I could have done would have been much, much worse though.
My friends stare at me wide eyed, mouths open.
"wow. You must have been tris' lovely 'Saver'" Shauna says, laughing.
"Her 'romantic' lover." zeke says, with a weird look on his face.
They all burst out laughing. I chuckle a little too.
Even Lauren smiles a little. A genuine smile, that goes to her eyes.
"So. What 'happened.'" Zeke says wiggling her eyebrows.
"Nothing 'Happened.'" I say. "She went out cold when I found her."
"Then what?" Lauren asks. She seems to be entertained. Good. I don't want my friend to be awkward around me. We were teasing zeke a few months back, just like this. We all laughed, and pressed him for information on his biggest fear. Apparently it was losing a loved one.
I suddenly go cold. Then I put tris in my apartment, on my bed. I'm not gonna say that though.
"I put drew, and tris in the infirmary.' I say.
"Your lying." Lauren says smirking.
"What?" how'd she know?
" you usually say things straightforward. You said that sentence, with a little stutter. Barely noticeable, but still, cacheable.
" Damn your Erudite intelligence." I say annoyingly.
"Well?" All three of them say at the same time.
Gotta change the subject.
"Lauren. Transfers need to know about the fear landscapes today." I say straight forward.
"Stop that." Zeke says.
"Stop what?"
"Changing the subject."
"Look at the time, gotta go." I say, standing up. Zeke Shauna and Lauren are about to tackle me down to make me sit, and talk, but I've already started talking.
"Transfers! Were doing something different today. Follow me." I say.
"We'll choke it out of you later." Shauna says. I roll my eyes. Shauna can't beat me in a fight. I taught her.
But Her with the help of Zeke and Lauren…
I better be on my guard.
I walk the same narrow path I've walked practically a thousand times. The room to the fear landscape.
I've failed to diminish one of them though.
Stupid abusive father.
I see I am going a little too quickly on my pace, so I walk a few steps backwords, to see where the transfers else isn't to far behind. Except Drew who trudges all the way, in the back.
I can't resist.
"Pick up the pace, Drew!" I yell. He gives me a glare.
He should be considered lucky. I'm not usually this merciful.
I shift my eyes to Tris. She seems to be fine along this Narrow path. Her arm is wrapped up to Will. I feel a sting of envy. Her friends can casually help her, and hold her, and talk to her…
You have to stop thinking like that. A voice in my head says. It's Amar's voice.
You can wait until after initiation. The fake amar voice says. I think it's my conscience.
But I don't think I can wait that long. I tell my conscience.
You can't…but you should at least try.
I've tried long enough. It's like a magnetic pull. You can't go away from it.
I suppose it would be okay…as long as no one else knew.
Why can't anyone else know? I ask Amar. Or my Conscience. Whoever this voice is.
Because Eric tries to hurt anyone you make your friend. Like how he tried to hurt Shauna. Or make Zeke lose his job. Or when he made Lauren go in a closet full of spiders, when he knew she was afraid of them.
In return, I broke his nose, pulled one of his piercings, and punched him in the face.
Yes. But he already suspects she is one of us. He suspects her of divergence. And he's right to. She is. If you show, any amount of admiration for her she might as well be dead.
Fine. No one else would know about any of this. It's none of their business anyways.
I stop my conversation with that little voice in my head. Sometimes, all it takes is talking to yourself, to make up your mind, or clear your head.
Despite how weird it is.
"This, Is the a different Simulation known as the fear landscape. It has been disabled for our purposes, so this isn't what it would be like the next time you see it. Through the simulations, we have stored Data of your worst fears. The fear landscape accesses the data and presents you with a series of virtual obstacles. Some of the fears will be fears previously faced in your simulation. Some may be new fears. The difference is that you are aware, in the fear landscape, that it is a simulation, so you will have all your wits about you as you go through it." I say.
I feel like such an erudite.
Erudite
Dauntless.
Their working together.
To start a war against the government.
Abnegation controls the government.
War on abnegation.
How they would force us to fight though, is a question.
They are looking for the divergent.
I am divergent.
So is tris.
And Uriah.
I snap out of this, and continue.
"The number of fears in your landscape varies according to how many you have. I told you before that the third stage of initiation focuses on mental preparation. That is because it requires you to control both your emotions and your body—to combine the physical abilities you learned in stage one with the emotional mastery you learned in stage two. To keep a level head."
My eyes land on Tris, and can't look away. Yup. Definitely a magnetic pull.
"Next week you will go through your fear landscape as quickly as possible in front of a panel of Dauntless leaders. That will be your final test, which determines your ranking for stage three. Just as stage two of initiation is weighted more heavily than stage one, stage three is weighted heaviest of all. Understood?"
They all nod. Even Drew, who cringes when he does. I must have hurt his neck when I put my foot over it.
Fantastic.
"You can get past each obstacle in one of two ways. Either you find a way to calm down enough that the simulation registers a normal, steady heartbeat, or you find a way to face your fear, which can force the simulation to move on. One way to face a fear of drowning is to swim deeper, for example." I say, for Tris. I think she is afraid of drowning in a tank. I might be wrong, but it's the best example I could think of.
"So I suggest that you take the next week to consider your fears and develop strategies to face them." I continue.
"That doesn't sound fair. What if one person only has seven fears and someone else has twenty? That's not their fault." Someone states. Peter
Peter. Worrying about fairness.
This is dauntless nothing is fair.
He should know that. After all, he stabbed a guy out of jealousy.
And Tried to hitch a girl off the chasm., because she was more emotionally stable than him.
He is waiting for my reply.
"Do you really want to talk to me about what's fair?" I say quietly. Not good. I am not a nice guy when I talk quietly. Zeke told me that.
I hadn't had the chance to get back at Peter.
And the best way is to take the most important aspect to him.
His pride.
He cares nothing for courage, or true bravery.
He cares about dignity. His dignity. He tries to take others to.
Time for a taste of his own medicine
I walk toward him. The transfers move out of the way.
"I understand why you're worried, Peter. The events of last night certainly proved that you are a miserable coward. So now we all know that you are afraid of a short, skinny girl from Abnegation." I smirk as Peter looks at his feet.
I see Tris give a small smile too.
When I lead the initiates back, I do a mental head count. there are only six transfers.
Im missing one.
Sledgehammer. Guilt must be eating him up alive.
I know Tris won't forgive him for what he has done.
I don't blame her.
Later that day.
I have a cold feeling in my chest. It's the feeling a person gets when they know something bad is about to happen. I feel it in my knees now.
The coldness and weird, feeling I had in my knees are gone. Something bad must have already happened.
I hear a cry, and a few mutters. The chasm.
I rush over their. Was it Tris? Did they try again? My heart thuds twenty times per second. But when I get their, I see Tris running away. Tears in her eyes. I want to comfort her. But sympathy is the last thing she wants. It always is.
It's one of the things I love about her.
But what made her cry? I don't want to see her hurt. Ever. I hear a few mutters.
When I get their, someone is stuffing a body in a bag, near the chasm.
The body is to big for the bag.
Al the sledgehammer, has jumped off the Chasm.
I don't know what to think about that.
I don't stay down at the so called "funeral."
More like an excuse to get wasted, throw up, and get someone else in your room.
A person died. They should be respectfully appreciated. But the dauntless respect others by drinking, and drinking, and drinking.
I vowed never to do that.
Instead, I just go to the training room. I breathe in the scent. The smell of power. I grab a gun, and start shooting at the targets. It helps to clear my mind. I also spend a good deal of my time throwing knives.
The other dauntless have already started drinking. But one figure marches up. I follow it.
I've always been curious. It's not a bad thing.
Although im probably more abnegation then anything, I am smart. I am brave. I am honest (unless it's asking about my personal life.)
Kindness. It could use some work. It's not easy for me though. I have to try.
Ironically, it's easier to jump on and off a train for me, instead of talking, and smiling with others.
Socializing. It rhymes with dieing, once you think about it.
I follow the figure, all the way to the drinking fountain. It is Tris. She is upset.
Of course she's upset you idiot. Her friend /attacker committed suicide, and it's probably because he felt guilty, because Tris didn't forgive him.
"Tris." I say. She flinches, startle. I frown a little. Is she afraid of me? She didn't cringe when I climbed the Ferris wheel with her. Or when I helped save her. I feel something inside me sink when she flinches, in that small moment. I normally wouldn't notice small movements like these.
But this is Tris. I am not Four when I am near her.
I'm not Tobias either. Yet. I want to show her my fear landscape. But I don't know how I would ask her.
"What are You doing here? Shouldn't you be paying your respects?" she says venomously.
I can't tell her why I don't like dauntless funerals. So I do what I'm best at. Changing the subject, and turning it around.
I take a step closer to her. I feel the energy of being closer. It's awakening. And her bright eyes can mesmerize a person.
"Shouldn't you?" I say.
Her eyes. They look so curious. So unique. They are a plain color, a mix of light blue, and grey-They aren't one or the other. They are alive, with energy, it's refreshing, and can snap anyone out of their gaze. Yet they are a dreamy look, that can make you lost. They are like the lake. The ocean and the sky- on one special person.
I'm sure someone else has acknowledged how her eyes are a beautiful part of her. She has small arms, and legs-even though she has gained some muscle. But they are perfect on her. She is small-but I know better than to underestimate the girl who climbs Ferris wheels just to win a game.
I am still staring at her eyes.
I mentally thwack my head. Stop that. Creep.
Who are you calling creep? You're the voice in my head that constantly bosses me around.
…well said, but you are replying.
Because your annoying.
Stop talking to yourself four.
IM TRYING! SHUT UP!
"Can't pay respects when you don't have any." she must have realized how shallow that sounded. She shakes her head.
"I didn't mean that." she says.
Oh really. Then how come your scowling, and still have a mad look on your face?
"Ah" I say with a touch of sarcasm.
I give her a look, that says "Don't play with me. Just spit it out."
And she does. I have a bad habit of listening out when people let their anger out in front of me. My eyes drift down from her eyes, to her lips.
"This is ridiculous." she says.
It is. It really is. I shouldn't be looking at your lips, and wondering how they would fit with mine. She doesn't seem to be talking about that though. What's more ridiculous than me wanting to kiss you? She continues talking.
"He throws himself of a ledge, and Eric's calling him brave? Eric, that tried to make you throw knives at Al's head?"
I twinge at the memory of that incident. I wish it never happened. But it did erase any suspicions Eric had about me and Tris.
"He wasn't brave!" she continues ranting.
"He was depressed and a coward."
No arguments their.
"And he almost killed me!"
if that happened, he would have died because i murdered him, not because of suicide.
"Is that the kind of thing we respect here?"
People are getting drunk, and throwing up as a funeral. They don't respect much.
"What do you want them to do?" I say, trying to put some sense into her. "Condemn him? Al's already dead. He can't hear it and it's too late."
"It's not about Al," she says angrily.
Why is she mad at me?
"It's about everyone watching! Everyone who now sees hurling themselves into the chasm as a viable option."
She makes a fair point.
"I mean, why not do it if everyone calls you a hero afterward?"
Because, deep inside, they know it's wrong, and cowardly.
"Why not do it if everyone will remember your name? It's…I can't…"
I have a feeling she is about to say something dangerous.
I'm right.
"This would never have happened in Abnegation!"
uh oh.
"None of it! Never. This place warped him and ruined him,"
Yes, but are you really mad at him?
"and I don't care if saying that makes me a Stiff, I don't care, I don't care!"
But you should.
There is a camera nearby. On a wall. I'll have to delete that footage.
"Careful, Tris," I say, my voice low. She needs to learn to be aware of the dangers that could happen if anyone hears what she tells me.
"Is that all you can say!" she says, stomping her foot."That I should be careful? That's it?"
"You're as bad as the Candor, you know that?" I say angrily at her. She will put both of us in danger. She needs to know of the seriousness there is to being a divergent in the dauntless compound.
I am thankful, that I am the only one who works in the control room, although It was a little boring to be alone on some occasions.
She has to be careful on what she says though. Anyone could have heard her. And she would get hurt. She would be reprehended for faction before blood.
I decide to take her to a place where no one would ever think to look .A place with no cameras, and no people, who could interrupt us.
I put my hand on her arm, and drag her out. She tries to slip away, but what I have to say is too important. I squeeze her arm, possibly a little too hard, making her feet follow mine.
I stop, and turn around, a little too unexpected for tris. When I turn around, her face is closer to mine than intended. I want her to look me in the eye. She has to listen carefully to what I have to say. I put my hand on her shoulder and grip tightly to it.
"I'm not going to say this again, so listen carefully. They are watching you. YOU in particular." I say my voice low.
"Let go of me." she says weakly, like I took all the energy out of her. I didn't realize I might have hurt her. My hands spring apart.
I don't want to be the one to make her feel weak. Ever.
She looks at me. Her eyes searching mine.
And, then she ever so quietly, and slowly whispers, "Are they watching you too?"
Her eyes on mine. I feel as if she can see straight through me, like a clear plastic bag. I feel a lump in my throat. I don't want to lie. I change the subject.
"I keep trying to help you," I whisper as calmly as I can, "but you refuse to be helped." I say accusingly.
"Oh, right. Your help," she says rolling her eyes at the word.
"Stabbing my ear with a knife and taunting me and yelling at me more than you yell at anyone else, it sure is helpful."
I stare at her shocked, and dumbfounded. Does she think I'm a shallow dauntless, like Eric? I remember how she said that I was sadistic. I am not. I am not. I am not. I care about her more than anything
She intrigues me. She eludes me. She
makes me alive with energy. I love the feeling I get when I see her so strong. I hate the feeling I get when someone makes her feel weak. I especially hate it when that someone is me.
"Taunting you? You mean when I threw the knives? I wasn't taunting you," I retort.. "I was reminding you that if you failed, someone else would have to take your place."
She stares at me. And I don't feel alive with energy anymore. She gives me such a look, I can't gaze away from.
She breaks the silence. And asks me something.
"why?"
"Because you're from Abnegation, and it's when you're acting selflessly that you are at your bravest." I say honestly.
I am opening up to her again. But unlike the day I first met her, when I yelled at her for being curious, I don't care if she knows about me. I like the feeling of someone else knowing my life. Someone who might understand.
But still. She must understand faction before blood. I know it would be hard for her. I know I don't understand anything about a normal 'family' and any of that. But still.
"If I were you, I would do a better job of pretending that selfless impulse is going away, because if the wrong people discover it…well, it won't be good for you." For both of us.
"Why?" she says, a reverent whisper "Why do they care about my intentions?"
"Intentions are the only thing they care about. They try to make you think they care about what you do, but they don't. They don't want you to act a certain way. They want you to think a certain way. So you're easy to understand. So you won't pose a threat to them."
I just told her about half the things I know about the leaders.
I lean to the wall. She just stares at me.
"I don't understand why they care what I think, as long as I'm acting how they want me to."
"You're acting how they want you to now, but what happens when your Abnegation-wired brain tells you to do something else, something they don't want?"
She thinks like the abnegation most of the time. I still wonder why she left. I know it's nothing personal, like me. Her simulations tells me that she cares about her family.
"I might not need you to help me. Ever think about that? I'm not weak, you know. I can do this on my own." She points out.
It's true. She might not need me to help her. But is that really what I'm doing? Am I really protecting her? In a way, yes. But that is not the main thing I intend to do. I let words fall out, without even thinking them. I let all the things I kept in my mind go. It feels nice to do so. it makes my head clear of all the fog. I never realised how tense i was with all my thoughts inside my head, until i let it go.
"You think my first instinct is to protect you. Because you're small, or a girl, or a Stiff. But you're wrong I wrap my finger around her chin, and lift it up , so her forehead means mine. So are lips, are less than two inches apart.
"My first instinct is to push you until you break, just to see how hard I have to press" I say. I look at her lips. I want to enclose those two only I knew she wanted to too.
She gulps.
"Why?" she asks, quietly."Why is that your first instinct."
Once again, I tell her what I've been thinking all this time about her, but I am careful not to spill the fact that I want her. I keep the fact that I want her in my arms, safe, and with me.
"Fear doesn't shut you down; it wakes you up. I've seen it. It's fascinating." I let go of her chin, but I can't help but graze me fingertips along her jaw, and neck. I never thought I would think this…but I want to kiss her. I sigh a little, thinking that she might never see me that way.
"Sometimes I just…want to see it again. Want to see you awake." I finish sighing a little.
She stares at me. In awe. I stare at her with admiration.
I like her curiosity, even though it would infuriate me before.
I like her strength
Her cleverness.
Her selflessness.
Her braveness.
I must say, I also love it when she surprises me.
She wraps her hands around my back.
She might feel the same way. I tell myself.
I like this feeling. Whatever it is. I like telling her things I would never even tell my friends.
I like the feeling I get when she touches me.
But there is still a small space between us that I don't like.
I put my arm around her back, my hand on her spine, and press her closer to me. She stumbles a little, her head hitting my collarbone. We are so much closer than two inches. I must say, I like it.
"Should I be crying? Is there something wrong with me?" she asks, voice muffled by my shirt.
"You think I know anything about tears?" I reply softly.
True. Never ever cried. Not even when Marcus tormented me. Zeke, Shauna, and Lauren all called me a robot when I told them I never spilled a tear.
I want to comfort Tris. I don't know how. I don't feel sympathetic. I myself always hated it when people pity me. I know she would feel the same.
"If I had forgiven him, do you think he would be alive now?" She asks, eyes closed.
"I don't know." I say. I think Al would have had more than one reason to leave this world. More reasons, than any dauntless knows.
I put my hand on her cheek. She presses into it. My heartbeat accelerates, oh I don't know…up to 90 beats per second?
"I feel like it's my fault." She says weakly.
It isn't. I think that people who do bad things, have bad things happen to them in return. Karma. Al must have done a dozen other things. He felt regret, regret, and more regret. I don't blame Tris' for not forgiving Al: I Don't. it's just that, I feel a little regret for not forgiving Evelyn. I regret not forgiving. Things are easier Forgiven, than knowing that there is someone out their feeling sorrow because they did something that they think can't be taken back because of you.
I think it was a collection of things Al did. He didn't want to live anymore. He couldn't cope with fear. He just couldn't cope with life.
"It isn't your fault." I say. I put my forehead to hers.
"But I should have. I should have forgiven him." She says. I can feel her cold, yet warm breath on my lips.
"Maybe. Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time." I say.
She pulls back, just a little bit, but my chest aches for her to be closer again. She has a confused look on her face.
"What faction did you come from, Four?" She asks.
I only just realize, that what I said, was something the abnegation say. Scratch that- It was something, Andrew Prior-which just happens to be her father- used to say.
"It doesn't matter. This is where I am now. Something you would do well to remember for yourself." I remind her, covering up my mistake.
I know what I want to do. I'm just not sure if I should do it. So I stand there looking at Tris for a moment.
I could complicate things.
I am supposed to be an instructor.
Eric would try to hurt her.
I could risk so much if I somewhat care for her.
But I can't hold back for long.
So I relax, and put my lips to her forehead.
Neither of us says anything for a long time. But this time, the silence is comforting.
I have to do it soon. I need Tris to know who I really am.
Because it is like a magnetic pull:
The facts can't stay away from her for long.
I have everything set.
System set to my worst fears.
Two needles containing the fear landscape simulations.
One for me. One for Tris.
I'm not sure what to expect, after Tris puts the pieces together. She will be curious on what my aptitude results were: I'm not going to lie about them if she asks. I will, however, avoid the question as much as possible.
Now. I don't want to ask her, personally. It's to abrupt.
"Hey Tris. Wanna join me to venture through my worst fears? You get to find out why I have my nickname, and what my real name is. Even what faction I came from."
I don't know why I am trusting her with so much information. I guess, it's because I trust her not to tell a soul.
It's stupid really. I've known her for a few eeks, and I am about to tell her my deepest thoughts, and my past. I've never even trusted shauna, zeke, or lauren with this information. They always asked if they could go through it-I even got money offers from Zeke. At one point, they all started constantly saying 'please'
I got mad, so I was serious when I threatened to beat them up so bad, that they would be in the infirmary for weeks.
They never asked me again.
And here I am, about to show an initiate, who I started to admire(by admire, I mean constantly watch, and like.) my fear landscape, just so she can piece up the puzzle, and find out the truth about me. And maybe, just maybe she would understand me. She would like me. She would want me, as much as I want her.
I am lovesick. Never thought that would happen. Never thought I would you the words "I" and "lovesick ."in the same sentence. Ever.
But that was before she came into my life.
I changed a lot of things for her. I decided to live factionless after this year of initiates are done.
She came and changed that.
I didn't want to be with anyone.
She changed that.
I never wanted to tell anyone anything about me or my past.
She changed that.
I never wanted anyone to see my fear landscape.
She changed that.
One girl. Beatrice Prior, Changed so many aspects of my life. And I barely know her. And she barely knows me.
And I want to change that.
I know she is curious. I can use that to help me. I see her talking to Will and Christina. Tris is a little wet. They where near the chasm.
I wait a few seconds.
Come one Tris. Look up.
She looks up just a little bit. I start to walk. I know her curiosity will get the best of her. I know she is curious on why I am here. I know she wants to know.
I just hope she follows me. I know she will though. I would be shocked if she didn't. I slow my pace a little, to hear what she is saying.
"Are you sure you should be running around here alone at night." Christna says. Damn it. I hope she doesn't make Tris not follow me.
"I wont be alone. I'll be with four." Tris replies. Good. I know she'll follow.
I start walking, slowly, but swiftly. I hear small footsteps, barely audible. She would be a good eavesdropper.
I hear her panting a little. This is it.
I hold the box and needle, and start talking.
"Since you're here, you might as well go in with me." I say, monotone.
She comes closer. "Into your fear landscape?" She asks, shocked.
I am too. Never thought I would bring another person to see my fears. I was afraid they would use it against me. I know she knows about my fear of heights. It's a dumb fear, I know, but she doesn't seem to care about that.
"I can do that?" She says in awe.
"The serum connects you to the program," I say. "But the program determines who's landscape you go through. And right now, its set to put us through mine."
"You would let me see that?" She asks, shocked.
What other reason to I have for having two syringes?
"Why else do you think I'm going in?" I ask her quietly. "There are some things I want to show you." things I don't trust telling my own friends.
I inject her first. I hope to brush the hair of her neck myself, but she tilts her head to expose her neck herself.
I see the crows. Three crows on her collarbone. They make a path to her heart.
When I am done, I offer it to her.
"I've never done this before." she says.
"Right here." I say pointing at the side of my neck. She goes on her tiptoes, I feel her breathe on my neck as she pushes the plunger down. I smile a little. I don't make the effort of looking away from her eyes. They are concentrated.
I put the plungers in the box.
I offer her my hand, and I hope she takes it. I want the feeling of her touch in my hand. It's like adrenaline. Except more effective.
She slides her hand in. slowly, and unsure of herself. Still a little abnegation in her.
I open the door with my other hand, and walk in. Tris holds my hand firmly now.
I might as well give her an overview of what she should try to find out. "See if you can figure out why they call me four." I tell her.
"What's your real name?" she asks, coming closer.
"See if you can figure that out too." I tell her.
And the simulation starts.
To me, it means I opened the door to hell.
I walk willingly inside.
First off: Heights.
Tris looks around. Pleasure in her eyes. She likes heights. I realized that along time ago, when she was first to jump off the building, and when she climbed the Ferris wheel.
She seems to like the feeling. But I don't I wrap my arm around her. To steady myself. My knees week.
"We have to jump off right?" She asks.
I nod. I know we have to. But I don't want to.
"On three, okay?"
Another nod.
Suck it up four. I tell myself.
She counts to three, and pulls me with her.
I don't like going through my fear landscape. I just need to go through one of my fears. But sadly, that one fear, is always the last.
We fall to the ground with a thud.
"What's next?" she asks. It's almost like she's anxious.
"It's-" but I am cut off. A wall hit's my spine. One hit's Tris to, pushing her into me.
I always liked it when she touches me. It's like being struck by lightening, but in a good, yet crazy way. But now, I am busy focusing on two things.
One: Lack of oxygen.
Two: hoping the walls don't crush into us.
"Confinement." she says matter-of-factly.
I growl hitches from the small of my throat. I wouldn't have this fear if not for Marcus.
Marcus. Two of my fears are because of him.
"Hey it's okay. Here."
She Let's my arms go around her, giving us both a little more comfort.
I don't really focus on the fear for a moment. I crave her touch, and the electric shock, that is comforting with energy. I put my hands on her back, and put my face next to hers.
My excuse: Theirs barely any room.
Barely any room.
Why did I have to think of those words when I was just about to forget them.
"This Is the first time im happy im small." Tris says, with a small shaky laugh. Trying to calm me down probably.
Then I feel how close we are. Hoow nice the electricity between us is. It's as if we connect, when we touch. I feel lost all of a sudden, and I feel nervous, not because of the box, but because of her.
"Mmhmm." I say as I take in her scent. Her scent of bravery. I never thought of what she smells like. I just know she smells brave. This scent makes me forget about the box.
"We can't break out of here. It's easier to face the fear head on. Right? Make it worse, so it gets better."
"Yes." I say. It comes out tightly.
"We'll have to crouch then. Ready?"
"She pushes me down squeezing my waist. The ceiling pushes in too. She crouches, so we both fit in. The ceiling creaks some more.
"Ah. This is worse. This is definitely-"
"Shh. Arms around me."
I always wanted her to say those words. So I do just that, maybe a little too eagerly, but who cares? Theirs a ceiling about to cave in on me. My heartbeat lowers, just a tad bit, but not enough to go to the next fear.
"The simulation measures your fear response. So if you can calm your heartbeat down, it will move on to the next one. Remember? So try to forget that we're here."
I realize that advise. Same thing I told the initiates. Of course, though it is easier said, than done.
"Yeah." I say. I feel my lips brush her ear. "That easy, huh?"
"You know most boys would enjoy being trapped in a close quarters with a girl." I feel the small sarcasm in her voice.
I want to get out of here. All those times Marcus trapped me in a closet, all those memories, come flooding back to me.
"Not claustrophobic people Tris!" I want to get on with this. Out of all my fears. This is the one that takes the longest to go through.
"Okay, Okay." she says. She takes my hand and puts it above her heart. I feel the thuds of her heart.
"Feel my heartbeat. Can you feel it?"
"Yes."
" Feel how steady it is?"
"It's fast." Faster then my own.
"Yes. Well. That has nothing to do with the box." She says.
What else could it be besides the box?
Could it be me? Is she afraid of me? No. she's not scared of me. Or else she wouldn't have come in with me.
She's not scared: She's nervous. The same type of nervous I get when I am around her.
Yes! I know she wants me! For sure now.
I am about to say something about that, but I suddenly remember: We are in a box.
"Everytime you feel me breathe you breathe. Focus on that." she says.
Can I really focus on that now that I know you want me as much as I want you. Come to think of it, I'm enjoying the box I little now.
A little. Not a lot. At the moment, I hate the box more than I like it.
"Okay." I say.
" Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from. Maybe talking about it will help us… somehow." She says.
"Umm…" I try to think of what to say that won't give away my identity yet. She's right though….talking, or thinking about the fear helps calm you down.
"Okay." I breathe when she does.
"This one is from my Fantastic childhood. Childhood punishments. The tiny closet upstairs." I finish.
"My mother kept out winter coats in our closet." She says.
That's the same closet I would be trapped in.
I remember one time, Marcus put all the clothes, along with me, inside that one small closet.
"I don't…" I take a deep breathe, but it comes out as a gasp." I Don't really want to talk about it anymore."
"Okay…Then I can talk. Ask me something." She says.
The question I want to ask is simple- Do I make you nervous because you like me. Do I make you have a wanting for me? But I can't ask her that yet. We are in a box after all…not the right setting.
"Okay." I laugh in her ear, gently. She shivers, a small, timid, shiver.
"Why is your heart racing tris?" That, is a perfect question to ask.
"Well, I-I." she stutters. I squeeze her a little. I must say the feeling of her in my arms, feels nice. It's like I have been empty this whole time, but then I found her, and I realize, then, and only then, how empty I was. I feel complete now. I don't feel like a hollow, strict, emotionless, shell.
"Well, I barely know you. I barely know you four, and I'm crammed up against you in a box, four, what do you think?"
I think you are enjoying this. Just a small bit. But still.
"If we were in your fear landscape. Would I be in it?" I ask. I doubt she would let me see that. But maybe she would.
"I'm not afraid of you." She says.
I know that.
"Of course not. But that's not what I meant.
I laugh a little, and the walls break apart. Walls apart? Oh yeah. We were in a box. Oh well. Not anymore.
I sigh. I have to let go of her now. I don't want to though. My fingers brush against her arms, just before letting go.
She straightens herself. Her cheeks are a little red. Her hands shaking with relief.
"Maybe you were cut out for candor. Because you're a terrible liar." I say grinning.
"I think my aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well." She says.
I frown. "The aptitude test tells you nothing."
She narrows her eyes. " What are you trying to tell me? You're test isn't the reason you ended up in dauntless?" she asks.
She now knows that I was trapped in a closet for punishments. Does she think I would want to stay in a place like that?
"Not exactly, no-I" but then I see her. The woman that is pointing a gun at us. Plain. Plainer than Tris. Though tris isn't plain anymore-she is striking now.
This woman is plainer than the abnegation- which is saying something. If we walked away now, she would never come up in mind again. But no…she will comet o mind. Because I have to kill her.
"You have to kill her." Tris says gently.
"Every single time."
"She isn't real." Tris points out.- true. Nothing plain like that would ever exist.
"She looks real-it feel real." I say
"If she were real she would have killed you already."
Then I notice something- The gun isn't pointed at me. The gun the woman holds is aimed at Tris.
She would shoot tris. She will shoot tris. I feel my heartbeat accelerate. I don't want anyone to hurt her- I proved that when I beat drew to pulp.
I don't want Tris to worry about that. She doesn't even notice the gun pointed at her.
"It's okay." I say as calmly as I can. Usually this wasn't a calm fear. I would stay here for minutes, sometime hours, not shooting this woman. But that was different.
She wasn't aiming for Tris.
"I'll just do it…this one…
"This one's not so…so bad"-anymore.
I feel horror as I click a bullet in place in the chamber. I have to kill her, or she will shoot Tris. But still. She will die. And it will be my doing.
Then I do it. I shoot. Her head whips back, and blood fall. I drop the gun with a thud. At the same time, she falls to the floor. I stare.
You did that four. You killed her.
But she was going to kill Tris.
Tris.
"C'mon. Let's Go. keep moving." She says. With another tug, I follow her.
Last fear.
Worst fear.
"Here we go." I say.
And out comes a Marcus. Black pits instead of eyes. Gray slacks.
My "father."
"Marcus." Tris says, shocked.
"Here's the part. Where. You. Figure. out. My. Name." I say, shaking, just a little.
"Is he?" Tris says.
Marcus comes forward.
I take a steep back.
"Tobias." I here tris whisper. She figured it out.
I want her to say it again. I do. But I want Marcus gone first.
Marcus swings his arm back, and as he does, I shield my face and neck with my arms, waiting for the strike.
But no. It doesn't come. Instead I hear marcus yell, I open my eyes, and see Tris. Marcus.
He is about to hurt her.
I go in front of her, anger filling my eyes. I f anyone hurts her, I will kill them, without a second thought.
I don't know when I made that promise, but it's their. Forever concealed within me.
Then everything fades. We are back in the fear landscape room. Cement floor. Brick walls.
"That's it? Those are your worst fears? Why do you only have four…" Her voice trails as she pieces it up.
"Oh. that's why they call you-"
I cut her off.
I tug her toward me. I am shocked she would do that.
I don't know which one she proved more of-
Selflessness.
Bravery.
Or cleverness.
I breathe against her neck, her collarbone. My lips brush against her cheek. I need this. I want her. no- NEED her.
She accepts this. She puts her hand around my neck and sighs.
"Hey. We got though it." She says, gently into my ear.
I pull back. I put my hand into her hair, and play with a lock of her hair, before settling it behind her ear.
"You got me through it." I correct.
"Well. It's easy to be brave when their not my fears." She says.
She nervously wipes her hand on her jeans.
Nervously.
I make her nervous.
She makes me have a nervous wanting.
She also feels the same way. I think.
"Come on. I have something else to show you."
And with that, I do something else that I never normally do…
I take her hand, and walk her to my thinking place, near the chasm.
Tris experiments with my hand. One second, she holds my hand tightly, the next, she is not holding tight enough.
Abnegation.
She breaks the silence.
"So…four fears."
"Four fears then, four fears now. They havent changed, so I keep going in their…still no progress."
"You can't be fearless you know. Because you still care about things. About your life." she says.
My goal isn't to be fearless- It's to lose one fear.
"I know." I say anyways.
We enter the chasm. The hidden rocks. No one ever found this place- I did when I came her a few weeks after initiation. On accident too. I was just near the pit, when I noticed a rock fall. I looked around it, and noticed this place.
Again, tris breaks the silence.
"You were going to tell me about your aptitude test results." she says.
"Ah." I scratch the back of my neck. "Does it matter?" I ask.
I'll tell her the truth- but I won't tell her what she wants to know, which is if I am divergent.
"Yes. I want to know." she says scowling.
"How demanding you are." I say smirking. It's endearing. It's something admirable.
I lean against a flat rock, and let go of her hand.
"These are things I don't tell people you know. Not even my friends." I tell her. I hope she gets what I tried to tell her- that I don't think of her as just a friend.
She just clenches her hands together, eager for my answer.
"My results where as expected- Abnegation."
"Oh." she says. I feel a pange of guilt. But it's true- I got abnegation. But I knew I was divergent. Most of the divergent get two results- some have a fluke result, and only get one- like mine and Uriah's.
"But you chose dauntless anyways?" she asks.
"Out of necessity. " I remind her.
"Why did you have to leave?" She asks.
I look at the air above me. Why did I leave? Was Marcus the only factor? No. I knew I could belong in the dauntless- I was rather rude for abnegation- I didn't become the sarcastic, rude, always-snapping-at-people, four in two years. It was always in me.
But yeah. Marcus was the major factor in my leaving.
"You had to get away from your dad. Is that why you don't want to be a dauntless leader? Because if you were, you might have to see him again?"
I stand a little straighter, one shoulder still leaning agains the rock.
"That, and I've always thought I don't quite belong with the dauntless. Not the way they are now anyways."
The tough, brutal, adrenaline junkies. I used to pretend to be like them. Zip-lining with the dauntless-Borns. Doing stupid dares. Always looking for a hit. Trying to belong. It never came naturally. Then I stopped. I realized how stupid it was. It wasn't bravery. It was stupidity.
Stupidity is the virtue the dauntless believe now. Not courage.
"But your- Incredible." My ears turn up at that. Incredible am I? How so? I left abnegation to dauntless, out of fear- that is cowardice. That is why I was planning on leaving dauntless, for the factionless. Of course, not with Evelyn- a lone factionless. I agree with them- the faction are separating from their original virtues.
"I mean by dauntless standards- four fears is unheard of-how could you not belong here?" she asks surprised on why I would think so.
I shrug. I just don't. I'm not like Eric, the gloater. I'm honorable.
"I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different. All your life you've been training to forget yourself, so when your in danger it is your first instinct. I could belong in abnegation just as easily." I tell her.
Her shoulders slouch. "Yeah well. I left abnegation because I wasn't selfless enough, no matter how hard I tried to be.
I stare at her with shock. Does she really think that?
"That's not entirely true." I tell her smiling. I am about to tell her just what I think about her.
"That girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend- who hit my dad with a belt to protect me- that selfless girl, that's not you?" I ask her, a little amused at her reaction, of shock, and a little bit of realization.
"You've been paying close attention haven't you." she ask frowning a little.
If you call watching over you practically day and night, and you always being in my head, then yes, I have been paying close attention. But that would be an understatement.
"I like to observe people" I tell her. Dammit. I stuttered a bit.
"Maybe you were cut out for candor four, because you are a terrible liar." She says, and I swear, their was a hint of a smile on her lips.
I lean on a rock, so our hand line up. She stares at fingers. When she does, I have to force them not to twitch at her sight.
Their's no point of hiding it anymore, so why try?
"Fine." I say. I lean in. I stare at her nose, her chin and her lips. Like I did on visiting day.
"I watched you because I like you." I say. I feel braver now that it is said and done. "And don't call me 'four' okay? It's nice to hear my name again." it is only nice when she says it. No one else is to call me that but her. It is a small piece of me I gave to her.
She looks shocked. She obviously never noticed me staring at her.
"But your older than I am…Tobias." she says her tongue playing around with my name, trying to see if she likes it.
I know I do.
So what. Two years. I still want this.
"Yes. That whopping two year gap, really is INSURMOUNTABLE isn't it." I tell her smirking.
"Im not trying to be self-deprecating. I just don't get it. I'm younger. I'm not pretty, I-"
I cut her off with a short laugh, and kiss her temple, to show I could care less.
"Don't pretend." she says scowling. "Im not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty." she says.
"Fine. Your not pretty. so?" I kiss her cheek. she's not pretty- she's not beautiful- those words are described for girls who are just for show. Tris- she is striking. She is noticeable.
She will be mine.
"I like how you look. Your deadly smart. Your brave. And even though you found out about Marcus- your not giving me that look. Like im a kicked puppy or something." I tell her, my voice going soft. That is what I like most about her- heck, there are so many things I like about her, I can't choose.
"Well. Your not." She says.
I look into her eyes. Those yes that draw me to her. Those grayish-blue- ocean eyes. The blueness, that seem to open up the world. The gayness, that seem to shut everything out.
Im not going to resist this magnetic pull any longer. It's just not natural, and is impossible to stop it.
I touch her face, and lean in. I brush my lips with hers. I then press my mouth to hers, grinning, because I love the feeling. This is what I want. And it's what she wants considering she doesn't pull away. I pull back, just so she can compose herself.
She is about to say something but I don't let her. I crash my lips with hers again, enjoying the chemical reaction forming between us.
This is right.
This is perfect.
I am in my room now.
I do not regret what I did. Tomorrow though, I would have to pretend nothing happened.
The thought hurts me so I think about something else.
Like how I liked kissing her.
Now I smile.
I remember why I like her. And that is because of the virtues she has.
The virtues we lost.
The factionless want to throw away the world of factions. I agree to, because the honorable things that were made for the factions are long gone. But the factionless shouldn't rule. They would be terrible leaders. They failed initiation, because they were unable to follow the virtue being taught. So why should they rule?
I don't think a faction should rule either.
The virtues has drifted off, into it's own island, of corrupt leaders, hunting the divergent, who understand that to survive, you must have more than one virtue, to continue.
The faction. They aren't what they were meant to be. I keep telling my self that.
They arent what they were meant to be.
Factions
They were supposed to help us.
Not anymore.
Amity is kind- not always to be pushed around, unable to defend themselves, because it is not "Peaceful" To protect yourself.
Erudite is intelligent- not to be a manipulative faction, that uses knowledge to go against others.
Abnegation is selfless- that doesn't mean you can't think of yourself now and then. Especially if it's for your own safety.
Candor is honest- Honesty isn't telling people about your most embarrassing, or private thoughts. That is loss of dignity.
Dauntless is brave- They are to be brave and courageous. To stand up for others, in the midst of fear. They are supposed to be guardians, helping others from danger, when it comes- not looking for danger, but waiting for it to approach, before attacking it.
This is what I was taught about the faction. This is not what they are today. That is what they where meant to be.
But the honorable virtues are long gone.
We may never find them again
