Goh looked at Sou sleeping beside him. This is not what he wants, this is not where he wants to be, and this is not the person he wants to be with. The person he wanted all along is right across the hall unaware of his existence. I don't have anything to give you but I want to you to feel how special you are to me. How you make me so happy, complete and content when I don't really know the man that you've become? I watched you from afar, wondering how I can be close to you, how can I be with you again. I touched Sou's head, I used to let this man be the center of my universe, I let him invade everything in me, my system…my heart, my being. But now there is someone else who is owning my whole being, he is all I have, he is everything I could ever have. I sighed and got up, went to take a shower.

I let the scalding water burn my skin, to wash off his smell on my skin. It used to be just a lesson, my big brother teaching me the ways of the world but then it comes to be a routine every weekend when he can take me to the club sauna with him, he would rent one private room, and that's where we would continue our lessons. I used to imagine it's Sugu Kun doing me, but I knew that he would be my Uke but I doubt Sugu Kun would know what to do. As the love making escalated, my feelings of suffocation increased, I don't want it to be him anymore, foster brother or not, I don't want him marking my body the way he did, I don't want him to claim me as his. Sou is gentle and kind, I have always looked up to him, but he is not the partner I wanted, I don't look at him that way. I never imagined us turning to be this way.

I didn't hear him walked in the shower, I was just surprise to feel his arm around my ribs,

"Are you planning to skin yourself?" he whispered, reaching out and turning the water to the right temperature.

I skittered away from him, "Let's end this, big brother. I don't want us having sex anymore. I don't feel right." I said, trying not to look at him, knowing there were hurt looks on his eyes.

"Hey.." he said, tugging me close. "When we're alone am not your brother, am just someone who loves you." Sou said.

Tears poured down my face, "But you are, big brother, for the last 16 years of my life, you are, we may not be related to each other by blood, but in the eyes of man, you are my brother, and if our parents are still alive, this would kill them." I said, turning off the shower and grabbing a towel from the rack. He followed me to the bedroom.

"I-Is there someone else? I know you used to have a crush on that classmate of yours with green hair, Fujisaki san. Is he the one?" he asked, sitting next to me on the bed.

"There's no one new, big brother, I just don't feel right every time we do this, I still keep feeling guilty, like am committing a big sin. Let's just be what we used to be, big brother, I do love you but I love you as my brother." I said, a tear fell on my cheek, he wiped it away.

He ruffled my hair, "Alright, Goh, let's do this one last time, please, one last time, and I promised, it would be the last." He said, and pushed me down roughly on the bed, I didn't resist, this is gonna be the last time.

Sou was rough, he knew that Goh's groan are coupled with pain but he couldn't stop, his animal instinct couldn't resist being a little rough, a little wild, he did things to Goh he never done before, Goh could only looked at him with wild-eyed and fear, Goh was afraid to stop him, Sou was hurting him, but he didn't dare stop him. If this the only way to bring back their old selves, he would go ride this tide for Sou. Goh bled and he gasped weakly when he watched his brother licked his blood away, and pounded at him so roughly that he blacked out. Sou is raping him! It dawned on Goh before he lost consciousness.

Sou pulled out of the unconscious Goh, he was crying, cradling his brother in his arms, he was so jealous, hurt and frightened when Goh asked him to end their relationship. "I'm sorry, Goh. I'm sorry." He whispered, kissing him, showering his sweat and blood drenched face with kisses.

"S-Sou Kun." Goh whispered, weakly, reaching out to touch his brother's face. It's the first time Goh called him by his first name, he had always asked to call him that when they are alone, he never did, he was too embarrassed to do so. But this time he did. Yes, his brother is not a little boy anymore. He is a man now.

"I'm sorry, Goh. Please don't hate me." He whispered, rocking them both, crying so hard.

"It's alright, Sou Kun. It would be okay." Goh whispered, and snuggled in his brother's embrace. Sou planted a kiss on his lips.

"Thank you, Goh. I love you so much! Remember that." He said, Goh nodded, and closed his eyes. "Wait here." He said, gently getting out of the embrace, and went to the bathroom and got a towel and rinse it. He walked back to the bed room, walked to the drawer, gathered clothes and new sheets.

He wiped his brother down, crying all the while, wiping the semen mixed with blood, he did this, he did this to his brother. Not related by blood but Goh is his brother. He help him up as he put on clothes on him. "Go lie down while I change the sheets." He said, helping him to the couch. He bundled him up and walked back to the bedroom and changed the bloody sheets, he put it in the wash and proceeded in changing the sheets.

When he was done, Goh was fast asleep that he carried him in his arms and put him gently to bed. Kissed him on the top of his head. He left a note for him, he needed to explain to his brother why he did what he did. He turned off the light and locked the door behind him.

Goh woke up sometime during the night. He saw himself alone, he thought everything was just a dream, but he felt the ache all over his body, he saw the bruises, the love bites and he could feel his bottom burning and aching. It wasn't a dream, Sou raped him. He was reaching for his watch on the table when he touched the paper, he turned on the light. It was a letter from Sou. Despite of what his brother did, he didn't hate him, despite of Sou being rough, he knew his brother loved him fiercely and really didn't want to let him go.

My dearest Goh,

There's no forgiveness to what I have done to you, that you would carry this scar I made for the rest of your life. I would understand if you don't want to see me again, I would understand if you would wish to change your name and move away. I would help you if you want that, it's the consolation I could give you for what I have done to you.

Goh, I had loved you all my life. I had loved you more than a brother ever since I realized what are these feelings I have for you. It frightened me before that you would find out and hate me or won't want anything to do with me. Am so thankful for those years we spent together. You are a wonderful Goh, a wonderful person, that even I couldn't resist to fall for you. I had kept that secret for so long, had disguised it in some other form, but I couldn't hold it in any longer, I would burst.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for sharing my love and giving yourself to me, for being your first. I would treasure that all my life. I just hope someday you would come to forgive me for what I have done to you. Here is your key back, and some money if you want to move and drop out of sight for awhile, let me know where I can send you some more money.

I love you so much, Goh, so much that it hurts losing you to someone else. But I don't deserve you. Be happy for me, and be happy with your love. Please don't let what I did to you hinder you for giving yourself again to someone else. I know it would be hard for you to trust someone else, but, little brother, not everyone is as selfish as me, not everyone is as rough and cruel like me. When you find the right one, they would be gentle and sweet, you would savor it and love every minute of it. I would be waiting for your forgiveness, I know my place now, and I would gladly be just your big brother again, if you let me.

Sou

I wiped my tears away. Sou. I understand you now. I understand you now, big brother.