Insane Stuck

Chapter 7: Doctor Eridan Has an Idea

The next morning was spent finishing the last minute paperwork that had yet to be completed. The rest of the day was spent sorting through all of it, filing away what needed to be filed away and faxing the rest of it to where it needed to go. The first papers he faxed were the ones he stored back in the desk drawer for safe keeping, the ones he finished last night. He felt a heavy weight settle in his chest as page after page faxed. He quickly stored those away in his personal file cabinet, putting them in a specially labeled file and storing them in the back, along with a few extra pages he'd made last night. He locked the cabinet and went back to work sorting through everything. He couldn't shake the foreboding feeling that he had nailed the final nail in the coffin of this place. He shook the feeling off as best as he could. He was being silly. He'd been careful, he'd run this place with integrity and followed all the rules. There was no way this could come back to haunt him.


By the time afternoon rolled around, Eridan had finished most of what he needed to accomplish for the day. Hesitantly, he left his office for the first time in days and made his way to the cafeteria. He went to the cafeteria partially because he was actually hungry for something other than all that super-expensive crap he usually buys and partially because he wanted to tentatively sneak a peek at the patients and see how they were doing. He paused outside the door, trying to work up his courage to go inside. That was probably a good thing, as he heard strange noises coming from inside. His eyebrows rose and then scrunched together in confusion. He moved closer, going to look through the little window in the door, when something hit the door with a thud. What was that sound? Was it a fight? He wasn't sure he could handle the ramifications of another fight so soon after dealing with Karkat's last one. Worry and concern fueling him, Eridan quickly wrenched the door open and stepped into the room.

Luckily, he was prepared for a fist fight so when something came hurdling at his head, he ducked instinctively. That was the only reason he missed having mashed potatoes plastered all over his face. His hair, however, was not so lucky. The mash potatoes rocketed by, clipping his lovely, perfectly-styled hair in the process. Bits of mashed potato clung to the ends of his hair, adding a new streak in it. This streak was not one he was proud of and he frowned in dismay and disgust. He was half-right in coming in—it was a fight. Thankfully, at least in terms of paperwork, it was only a food fight. Still, he expected better from his patients. And where were his staff? They should have seen to it that something like this had never happened.

Terezi's tongue flicked through the air before she aimed just left of Equius. She barely missed pegging him with a roll, said roll flying just centimeters past his broad shoulders. She cackled happily as jello pelted her. Vriska was happily tossing lasagna at a large pile of food for some reason. Aradia looked mildly perturbed to have her front covered in what looked to be mac n' cheese but she righted the situation by tossing more jello at a table. That table had Nepeta hiding under it, who was either afraid of the food fight or waiting for the perfect chance to strike; Eridan couldn't tell. Sollux was sitting down in the middle of all of this. He'd weave and bob and even duck whenever food came his way but otherwise, he sat there, staring absently at nothing. Miraculously, he was the only one not covered in food, although it looked like he'd made enough of a mess trying to feed himself that it didn't matter. For some reason, the mysterious pile of food was right by the end of the table he was sitting at. Gamzee was enjoying himself, letting out a pleased laugh whenever food struck him. He was just walking around normally, not bothering to throw any food. Much to the delight of Vriska and the horror of Equius, he appeared to be occasionally eating some of the food covering him.

Eridan brought his fingers to his lips and let out a shrill whistle, halting the food fight. It was only now that he realized what that pile of food was, of course. He stared at it for a second, horror and fascination warring over his countenance. The mysterious pile of food was actually Nurse Tavros, who appeared to be covered in more food than even Gamzee. He stuck in his wheelchair in the middle of all this, which would explain why he was positioned near the end of the table Sollux was currently sitting. It didn't help the situation one bit that Gamzee decided the jello on his hair and face looked good and was attempting to eat it off him now. Eridan glared at Vriska when she giggled. "What is going on here?" He demanded, giving all the patients a hard look. Even Equius, who was trying to discretely clean up the mess, and Gamzee, who of course was completely unfazed by it, weren't spared from his glare. "I thought my patients knew better. I thought you could behave but apparently I was wrong." Eridan admonished, looking as stern as he could, which wasn't very stern but it had the desired effect anyway. Eridan was usually such a wishy-washy caregiver, not wanting to make waves and wanting desperately to be liked by the patients that he rarely reprimanded them. He usually left the admonishments to the others, such as Kar and Kan, choosing to encourage the patients. Even Vriska managed to look a bit ashamed of herself under his probing look.

"That's better." Eridan nodded in approval. "Now, since I've already scolded you, I'm going to do you all the favor of not calling in Nurse Kanaya and Doctor Karkat. However, that means—" He looked around at all of them, not letting them get too excited yet. He wanted to make sure they were paying attention to him. "That means you will be helping clean this place up." Before they could groan, he continued on. "And it means that I will be supervising your showers this afternoon."

This instantly cheered the bunch. It wasn't as if he would actually be watching them shower or anything like that. That was an invasion of privacy. To his knowledge, none of his staff did something as vulgar and low-blooded as that. The only reason why the patients preferred for him to supervise their shower time was because when he did it, he allowed them use of his private shower. It took longer for them to shower for some unknown reason that Eridan couldn't decipher. Strangely enough, however, not one of the patients complained about the wait. Maybe it was the strategically placed jets of water designed to shoot water in a random or pre-selected massaging manner. Or perhaps it was the floor mat, designed to relieve aching feet and clean them at the same time. It could be the special shampoo and conditioner he had specially imported from overseas. Or was it the special sponge loofas combined with the relaxing body wash he used for stress relief? Whatever the reason—though it is this humble narrator's opinion that it was a combination of all those points as well as the novelty of a luxury bath—whatever it was, the patients loved it when Eridan supervised shower time. They patiently waited their turn in line and though they seemed to take a little longer in the shower than normal, they didn't complain about the wait or the temperature of the water (which Eridan had set to the perfect temperature himself) or anything else. It also seemed to be a good bribe method for them, although he tried to reframe from using it too often.


Eridan set them to task cleaning the messy cafeteria. They cleaned the food off the walls, doors, windows in the doors, the bits that got wedged into the cracks, even the ceiling. Vriska had to scrape mashed potatoes off the wall in the hallway. While Eridan was supervising this, Equius set to work degunking Nurse Tavros wheelchair. By the time they set to work cleaning the tables and floors 45 minutes later, the poor nurse could move his wheelchair again. Eridan looked him over, making sure he wasn't injured. Despite being traumatized and now having a fear of jello, he was otherwise fine. Eridan was going to send him to get cleaned up but seeing the current state he was in, he quickly changed his mind. He sent him home, giving him the rest of the day, and told him to call him tomorrow before he came in to report on the condition of his wheelchair. If it wasn't working properly, he would pay for him to get a new one. Eridan watched him wheel away; Tav glanced back at him uncertainly. Seems he was still rather hesitant about being on good terms with him. That wasn't surprising. Since his falling out with Dr. Vantas, Eridan had felt the strain between him and most of his staff. Kar had helped him bridge the gap between his position and theirs and now that bridge had been burned. Eridan winced at the mental image he'd given himself and turned back to the patients.

"Alright, get back to work. You're almost done and once you are, it's shower time." Eridan encouraged.

The thought of using his private shower seemed to cheer them all again. After watching them clean up for another twenty minutes, Eridan was satisfied with the results and gladly gave them a treat—ice cream sandwiches. He watched them eating and had to chuckle. He wanted to clean them up a bit but he wasn't sure where to start. Finally, he decided he would just send their clothes out for dry cleaning and they could just clean up in the shower. His poor shower. He shuddered at the harsh treatment it was about to endure but ushered them out of the cafeteria and down the hall, toward his office. Vriska seemed interested in going inside his office, but Eridan managed to shoo her away from the door and into the next room. He lined them all up and ordered them not to touch anything—he couldn't bear the thought of having mashed potatoes plastered all over his fine china figurines or his first edition classic novels. He sent Equius to get cleaned up first—it looked and smelled like he was sweating milk of all things. Gross.

Equius took a relatively quick shower, as quick as possible when one is trying to wash off milk and other food products, as Eridan knew he would. Eridan handed him a set of spare clothes he kept for patients before sending him to fetch more. Next was Vriska, who took the longest to shower. He wasn't worried that she would finish before Eq returned. After nearly fifteen minutes, Eridan started to worry. He should have been back by now. What was taking him so long? He peeked his head out into the hall and witnessed Equ nervously making his way towards him. Eridan stepped fully into the hall, his hands on his hips. "Wwhat took you so long? I sent you ages ago!"

It was only now that he noticed Kan and Kar behind him. His eyebrows rose in confusion and surprise. "Wwhat's—what's wrong? Did Equius do something wrong?" He cast a sideways look at Equ, wondering what he could have possibly done.

"What's wrong? What's wrong? I should be asking you that you incomparable pansy ass weakling. Why the hell did I catch this sweaty excuse of a mentally retarded schlub raiding our closest for several pairs of almost decent rags you insist on calling clothing. While wearing your expensive as fuck Egyptian whatever pajamas."

"Egyptian cotton, Karkat. Egyptian cotton." Eridan replied automatically, looking almost pained at the idea that Vantas didn't know what Egyptian cotton was. He quickly returned to the topic. "The patients are taking showers now. I only had one set of extra clothes here—and they are not pajamas, this is a lovely Sherwani with matching pants and I'll have you know it's all the rage among the elite—so I sent Equ to fetch more. What's the problem?"

Kar looked ready to spew more profanities but Kan stepped in Before he could start. "Eridan, what I think our mutual friend—"

"Former friend. Don't lump me with and this dipstick of a ginormous asshole together Kanaya, or else I might vomit—"

"What I think Karkat was getting at—" Kanaya cut Karkat off before he could continue, glaring for emphasis. "—is tat we were worried about the reason behind…" She paused, trailing off, and gave him a double check. "Eridan, is there by any chance or is it just my imagination which has suddenly become much more vivid than I ever remember it—"

"Gog, Kanaya, get to the point already!"

"Is that mashed potatoes in your hair?" The words left her mouth in an uncertain tone and Kar took to squinting at Eridan's hair, glaring at the offending spuds.

Eridan tilted his head back, futilely trying to look up at the potatoes in his hair. He was, of course, unable to get a look at what she and Kar were now starting intently at in fascination. He looked down at them again. "Most likely. There was a food fight in the cafeteria." He gave a childish grin, one he hadn't shown in a long while, even before all the recent drama. Both Kan and Kar were startled by the sight of it. "I thought you said you could handle things?"

Karkat was the first to recover, scoffing. "Don't get cocky, fuckass. Of course we can handle it but there was a problem in the North ward and Kanaya had to help me deal with it. I assumed that idiotic lush Tavros would be more than capable of dealing with a few minor league schmucks but apparently I judged him wrong."

Kanaya frowned slightly, clearly not agreeing with this train of thought but unsure of whether she was in a position to rebuke Karkat. He was technically her boss, after all. Eridan had no such qualms. "Tav was traumatized by the incident, Vantas. He was covered in more foods than I could identify and his wheels were so gunked up, it took nearly half an hour before he was able to move again."

Equius chose that moment to clear his throat. All eyes turned to him and he flushed blue. He hadn't meant to call attention to himself. Eridan finally remembered what he'd been worried about. "Equius, return to the office and set the clothes aside. You might need to give Vris a pair, as she doesn't have anything to change into and she should be done with her shower. Vantas, Kan, this conversation will have to be postponed until a later date. I have patients to attend to."

"What?" Karkat cried, outraged to be dismissed. "Don't you dare leave, you inconsequential befunddling tyrant!"

Eridan just turned and walked away. He didn't have time for the usual word games with Kar. He needed to make sure that those filthy patients weren't touching anything or dripping jello and orange juice and god knows what else on his leather couch or mink blanket or playing with his silk, hand embroidered throw pillows. Not to mention all the valuable things he had in there; the crystal mosaic vases, rare books, the elegant table ends made out of extinct rosewood. His mind fully on such thoughts, he tuned out the curses Karkat was hurling at his back.


The weekend was finally rolling around. Friday came but Eridan's stress wouldn't be relieved. He had finally finished the paperwork but instead of that putting an end to things, more paperwork only seemed to pile up faster. He couldn't understand it. He tried to get through it but every time he made a dent in the ever growing pile, someone would fax him a new form to go over or one of the little interns would drop a fresh stack of applications. Before lunch rolled around, he'd had enough. He'd delt with everyone's crap for nearly ten days straight and he wasn't going to deal with it anymore. He stood suddenly and strode angrily out of the office, locking it behind him, a sure sign that he was leaving. He was out of the building and in his car before anyone realized his intentions. He had already driven away by the time anyone came to stop him. It was childish, irrational he knew. He couldn't run away from his problems like this—it wouldn't solve anything. Still, there was a small bit of satisfaction in it; it felt good to get away even if he was escaping like hell was chasing after him.


He drove.


He continued to drive, no set destination in mind. He didn't care where he was going, so long as he got away. He didn't care where, so long as no one he knew could find him there.


He drove.


He stopped at a little diner in the middle of no where for dinner. He was starving, having skipped lunch. It was a cheap place, the type of place his brother would never step foot in. The type of place his mother would faint just looking at a picture of it. It pained her to see cheap things, despite having come from a poor background. She married his father for his money and never regretted it once. Now, she wouldn't have anything to do with poor or cheap things. Luckily for her, his father left her enough money that she would never have to worry about that for the rest of her life. Eridan, however, found the place quaint. He talked to the waitress, a pretty girl dressed in red with yellow blood. Not that mustard blood that Sollux was so unfortunate to have acquired but pure lovely yellow blood. It was low but not as low as mustard blood and much higher than the orange blood of the government workers or tabooed red blood.

He learned of a shopping center not even a mile away. It housed a few cute little shops, one in particular that caught his attention; a camping store. He remembered camping with Dualscar, back when his father was trying to toughen him up. "Prepare him for the real world" he called it. Eridan hadn't been camping since his father died. Nostalgia, sweet and poignant, hit him hard. On a whim, Eridan paid for his half-eaten food and left, heading to the camping store and dashing the hopeful waitress's thoughts she might get his number.

He went through the store, buying carelessly. He bought a sleeping bag and a tent. Bug repellant, a lantern, a flashlight, a small cooking stove, a telescope, a radio; he bought all this regardless of whether he would use it all or not. He purchased a camera and some film from an antique shop. It had been his hobby once to take pictures. Maybe he would pick it up again. He certainly could use something to distract him. He loaded all his purchases in the car, lost in thought. He bought a couple cans of gas before filling up. He grabbed some food from the gas station store before he left.


He drove.


He drove until dusk began to fall. He slowed the car, pulling off the road. He looked for a good place to set up camp, wanting to get away from everything. As he set up the tent, failing twice, the stars began to peek out one by one. He finally set up everything, the stove and the telescope, the lantern and the sleeping bag and of course, the tent. He looked up and was amazed by the sight he saw. He'd never seen so many stars. The city lights drown them out, he'd heard, but he'd never believed it. Now, looking at them clearly, he could see how true it was. He stared for a long while, just taking in the sight. He wished he could show it to his patients this. They would love it. An idea slowly began to form in his head. He played with it for a while before a slow smile stretched across his face. Yes, he could do that. And it would be a way for him to get away as well as spoil his patients. He immediately set to work on his plan. First, he needed to check the telescope…


Saturday came and went without a sign of Dr. Ampora. He didn't come into the office once. More worrying was the fact that his mother called to report he never came home the night before. He was missing. Eridan, Dr. Ampora, Mr. Low-life-scum-spewing-worthlessness as Karkat called him; he was missing and nobody knew where he went. Saturday evening came and his mother was demanding to know where he was or else she would call SWAT and the military and god knows who else to find him. Sunday morning was barely peaking when he burst into his office, a flurry of paper work and forms and faxes. He was full of energy and eager, so eager, to share his new proposition. He'd come up with an idea while he was in the desert. He was sure it would have untold merits for the patients. He'd researched it throughly and as long as a certain number of staff was present, there should be no danger to the patients. It would enrich their minds and awaken their creative spirits.

"Astronomy."


Author's note: What Eridan mentioned Equius wearing is a type of Indian outfit, a long tunic robe commonly for nobles, usually with similar or brightly colored pants. Google it if you want a picture. I imagine Eridan would be very comfortable wearing something like that and moreover, be very proud to show it off.

Also, you have probably noticed that Eridan has started shortening names like he does in the web comic. Yes, there's a reason for that and why it's suddenly appearing now. No, I won't spoil it for you. It is intentional. And yes, he's excited about the prospect of teaching astronomy. He'll probably be just as bad as a teacher as he is a doctor but you know what? PLOT TWIST.