Chapter 7 ; "Untouchable"
. . . . . I feel like I'm trapped in a little cage of guilt for the rest of the day, as I struggle coping with Finnick's hurt face every time I see him. I'm angry at myself for so many reasons, that I feel like I've been kicked in the gut with a pair of spiky Capitol heels. Part of me is angry for being harsh with him, the other part of me is angry for not kissing him while I had the chance. I'm confused, I'm desperate for anything that will make me feel better. I feel like a mosaic of every possible emotion for the situation I'm in, and for Finnick. I feel frustrated with myself, because I keep pushing him away, just so that I can make him seem like he's a friend again. He's probably just as confused as I am, and I feel terrible for it. I know all he means is well, but its hard to open up to him under the circumstances. I just hope he understands that.
The night feels long, and I barely get any rest because my mind is flooding with worries. Finnick and I haven't spoken a word to each other since the elevator incident, and I hadn't exactly gathered the courage to apologize. I can tell he's sound asleep above me, because I can hear his quiet breath, his body totally motionless. An urge picks at my mind to go up and lay with him, but I try my very best to push it off. I know exactly how it might end, and I don't want to hurt him again. It's funny, because even if I completely open up, and let myself fall for him, I would never deserve him. I never deserved Peeta, or even Gale. I don't deserve to be loved by anyone.
. . . . . I awake from a brief sleep fairly early in the morning, and I peer through the darkness and notice that Finnick's boots aren't in their usual spot next to mine. I guess he already left, and I wish I would have been awake to see him beforehand. Pulling myself out from the warm covers, the coolness of the compartment air hits me like a brick wall. Through shivering hands, I get dressed and pull on my boots, lacing them up without turning the lights on in fear that my eyes might burn. I use the tablet by the door to check what time it is, and what the first schedule point is for today. It's 6:32 am, and breakfast starts at 6:45 am. I haven't eaten much for the last couple days, other than at the party, and dabbles of left over food from Prim's hospital food trays. I realize how hungry I actually am, so I guess I'll at least follow part of the schedule.
When I make it downstairs, I'm immediately met by a smiling Gale. "Hey Catnip," he greets.
"Hey," I respond, staring at him for a moment before pushing myself into his arms as if I was magnetized to him. He hugged me back awkwardly; we don't often embrace like this. We only really do it when one of us is hurting, mostly me. Although, I guess I am hurting.
"You okay?" He asks in a whisper as he pulls me out of a resident's path, pressing his cheek against my temple.
"I'm great." I lie, pressing my mouth to his shoulder and burying it there.
"You sure?" I nod, not really wanting to say anything else. I just want to stay here in this hug, regardless of how awkward it really is. I just want to stay with Gale forever, and not have to worry about the revolution, or Peeta, or Finnick.
"Gale, what should I do?" I whisper after a while of silence.
"What do you mean?" He parts from the hug, looking down into my eyes, his arms still wrapped around my waist.
"Finnick." I probably look pathetic, because I have a pouty face on.
"What about Finnick?"
"I don't know, that's the problem." I bury my face in his shoulder, and I can tell I've totally lost him at this point. He pulls me even further to the side of the breakfast lines, until we're by a wall at the side of the room. We sit there in silence for a while longer, before he parts with me again to stare deep into my soul with his gorgeous gray Seam eyes.
"You have feelings for him, don't you?" He asks, as if he was annoyed with me.
"No." I reply, shaking my head. "At least, I don't think so. But I think I hurt him."
"Oh please," Gale scoffs. "you can't wound Finnick Odair. He's an arrogant peacock, not a fragile puppy." Despite my confusion and helplessness, I can't help but laugh at this. It's true, that's the problem. I probably haven't hurt him, I'm only paranoid that I have. "Speak of the devil." He whispers, and I lift my head to look in the direction that his eyes are. I see Finnick walking towards us, and my stomach twists up. "How about, I leave you two alone, and you apologize?"
"No no no, Gale, please don't lea-" I gasp, grabbing at his wrist as he tries to walk away.
"Gale," Finnick greets. "Katniss," he adds, turning his gaze to me. "Am I interrupting something?"
"Nope, I was just going." Gale grinned, before pulling from my grasp. "I'll catch up with you later, Catnip."
Great. Now I hate Gale too.
. . . . . "Are you feeling better?" Finnick asks, but I find myself too tongue tied to reply as I stare at him. "Not gonna answer me? Man, I knew you were good at playing cold shoulder, but you really have no good reason to play it with me. I think we both know I was just trying to help yesterday."
"I'm not playing cold shoulder." I reply, and he looks a state of fake surprise.
"She speaks!" He exclaims, like he just witnessed a miracle.
"Shut up." I growl, turning towards the elevator. I don't feel so hungry anymore.
"Hey, hey, hey." He grabs my wrist, turning me back towards him. "I'm only joking with you."
"Go joke with someone who actually finds it funny, then." I snap arm away from his grasp. The moment I'm inside, I press my compartment floor button and the doors begin to seal me inside. They're just beside to the crease, when they're suddenly interrupted by a boot in their path. Finnick steps in, and I roll my eyes. I move to leave the elevator, but he grabs a hold of my wrist again.
"Katniss," he murmurs, looking at me with eyes full of hurt like he had last night. I stare back into his, full of anger and complete frustration with him. How I felt bad for him, I have no idea, because now it seems like he's only trying to get under my skin. "please just stay."
"No thanks." I scoff, trying to pull away. I keep pulling, until I finally yank away from his grasp. "Just, leave me alone." I plead, turning to leave.
"Please? I really need to talk to you." He begs after me.
"Save it." I say, stepping out of the elevator before looking back. Intercepting the elevator doors again, Finnick dives after me so that he can get a good and strong grip around my waist. I scream as he hoists me up against his chest, not even caring that the whole floor is probably staring at us now.
"Let me go!" I outburst, squirming in the harsh grasp as he pulls me back into the elevator. I fear for my life, even though I know inside that he would never hurt me. The elevator seals itself around us, as he pushes me up against the wall to contain me. "Let me go!" I scream again. I give his leg a good kick with the heel of my boot, and he yelps before both of us tumble backwards onto the concrete floor. A little too stunned and out of breath to move, I stop squirming and breath heavily against his chest. He suddenly bursts into a fit of laughter, and I stare at him in anger. "What are you laughing at?" I growl.
"That was great." He hoots, sitting upright and letting go of his grip on me. I stumble up onto my feet, standing up against the wall and staring at him with confusion. "You're so cute." My eyes suddenly go wide, and I'm in another fit of rage.
"I'm cute?!" I yell, but he keeps laughing at me. I stare at him in silence as I let him calm down, and soon he stands back up, wiping the hysterical tears from the corners of his wet eyes.
"Ah, man." He lets out a short breath, before trying to catch it again. "If only you knew."
"If only I knew what?"
"How people really look at you."
"Oh please, enlighten me Finnick." I say back in a sarcastic tone, still standing my ground at the wall of the confined space. "How do people look at me?"
"People in the districts look at you like a hero, but everyone in District 13 just looks at you like a joke."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It just means-" He swallows, leaning against the wall. "-that you, are hilarious. Always throwing fits, and standing up to people like you're some kind of importance."
"Well, believe it or not; I am important to this rebellion."
"Yeah, you are." Finnick grins. He takes a slow step closer to me. "I mean, without you, none of this would be possible, right?"
"None of what? The revolution?"
"Yes, but not only that." He takes another step closer, and in such a small space, one step can make all the difference in my comfort level. "Without you, the other victors wouldn't be in the Capitol..." I narrow my eyes at him. "Effie and your prep team wouldn't need to be rescued..." This part is news to me. "District 12 wouldn't be nothing but ashes..." If he's trying to get under my skin, it's working. "And you and I-" he takes a long pause, moving close enough that I can feel his warm breath on my skin. "-wouldn't be so... comfortable, around each other." I find myself staring down at his chest as I reply, too insecure to make eye contact when we're merely inches apart.
"Who says I'm comfortable?" I swallow, fighting back the urge to push him away again.
"I can just..." He pauses again, and I lowers his voice to a whisper. "feel it." I gather the courage to bring my eyes up to his, and we lock our gazes on each other like we're wrapped up in a dream. I'm mesmerized by him. My eyes falter to his lips, and his to mine. The world is getting fuzzy around me again, just like last night, and all I can think about is Finnick. I hate him for doing this to me, and I hate him for being so damn gorgeous. My whole body is screaming his name, and cursing it at the same time. My mosaic of emotions are spinning in my head, and my heart is thumping in my chest like gun fire. The whole option of pushing him away is becoming less and less apparent in my mind, and suddenly I don't care anymore. Every inch of my body is shaking.
That's when he kisses me.
