SKINS – GEN 4 – SERIES 7 – 7.09: PAULIE

Alright tension building up in these last few chapters, you might want to read them all in one go, it's up to you, maybe some of you wait to read the whole episode in one go, I don't know but I won't leave you waiting around for Chapter 8 for ages, I'll do it shortly after Chapter 7 to keep it running, then it's time to get to work on the series finale, I know the big part of it, but apart from that I'm not overly sure I've what I'm doing, but in the meantime, here is Chapter 7.


There was a slight drizzle as Paulie stood on the street, he'd been standing there for 20 minutes contemplating whether or not to knock on the door. He was completely lost, he was at the point in life where he had no idea what to do and he felt like there was no one to help, and this was his final option and he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Paulie looked around at the quiet houses surrounding him and in the end, gave up the conflict with his mind. He knocked on the door and stood there, after a few seconds a light flickered on, on the porch and the door swung open to reveal Gunman standing in a pair of shorts with squinty eyes, "Paulie?"
"I'm so sorry…" said Paulie just standing there as he swallowed.

"Paulie? What's wrong? It's 4 in the morning." He said rubbing his eyes.
"Your right, I'm sorry, I'll just leave," said Paulie quickly stepping to his left.

"Paulie," said Gunman, "Why are you here?"
Paulie paused and looked up, "I think I'm in trouble… and I don't know what to do."
Gunman nodded, "Of course… come in, come in."

Gunman shut the door behind Paulie, it looked like a small but modern home. "We'll have to be quiet so we don't wake the wife. Do you want a towel?"
Paulie shook his head, "Nah, I'll be right."
"Take a seat," said Gunman, "I'll put the kettle on."

Paulie pulled out his seat and felt rather uncomfortable and weird, but Chris' warmth lowered his anxiety.

Gunman took a seat opposite the table and clasped his hands together. "What's up, you look a right mess."
"I am," said Paulie, "I honestly am, in every way… I tried to tell you… but… it was just so hard to get across cause you were so good… and I'm not…"
"You think you're not good enough compared to me?" said Gunman nodding.

Paulie smirked, "Basically yeah, at first…"
Gunman stood up from his chair, Paulie opened his mouth again, "I haven't really… well I haven't really told you yet."
"I know, I know," said Gunman, "I wanna show you something before you tell me what it is." Gunman reached up on top of the fridge and brought down a framed photo. He handed it to Paulie, "I want you to tell me, who you think that is?"
Paulie furrowed his brow, the picture was a slick blonde boy who looked about the same age as Paulie, leaning against a guardrail, smiling, with a big coastline behind him, "Some incredibly inspirational Christian boy?"
Gunman shook his head, "No, far from it."

Paulie shrugged, "Brother?" Gunman shook his head, "I dunno… friend, cousin, nephew, estranged uncle, the boy down by the corner store who donates money to the homeless man every day?"
Gunman was staring at the table smiling and then looked up at Paulie, "That is the face… from every nightmare I've ever had."
Paulie felt a blow to the stomach of shock, "What? I don't…" he hesitated, "But…"
"You're wondering why I'd keep a picture of a face that gives me nightmares in the kitchen." Said Gunman.

"Pretty much," said Paulie, "I think that much is obvious."
There was a click behind Gunman and he stood up, "Kettle's done."
"What is that it?" said Paulie, "I mean who is he? Why does some kid give you nightmares?"
Gunman poured the two cups of tea and placed them on the table and slid one across to Paulie.

"That is Thomas Avery, 1997, long while back now… me and my group of friends from college, just a few of the lads, this was… before I knew God obviously, we were just average guys, and so was he, he didn't really exist to us, he was shy and closed off, we didn't know him, we didn't care, he didn't mess with us, we didn't mess with him. Until, one weekend, we saw him at a party he didn't think anyone he knew was at, because he was kissing his boyfriend, and I pointed it out to the rest of my group, at the time we did nothing, but the next Monday, that's when hell started for him, we came up to him in the hall saying all sorts of things, 'Batty boy, fag, cock sucker,' every name you could think of under the sun and he was in absolute fright, ran home, absolute terrified that we had outted him, he pulled himself together, and came back to college, but we never stopped. We just kept going, every chance we got, doing whatever we could to have a go at him. That's when we came to college one Monday, to find all the teachers running about in panic, and they called an emergency assembly to tell us that Tom had hung himself on the weekend."

Paulie froze at the words as Chris kept nodding, "Something hit me, and every part of my body just stopped, I just sat there, nothing was happening around me, but everyone around me felt like angels, and I felt like the darkness of the world, it was the worst I had ever felt, and I wasn't the only one, I was just one of about 6 or 7, but I had made a boy take his life, a completely innocent boy who had done nothing wrong, and I went out onto the green during the lunch break to talk to my mates, to see how they were feeling… and they acted like nothing had happened. I got so confused and I brought it up, thinking they had misheard it and do you know what one of them said, he said, 'At least he will enjoy sucking Satan's cock' I realized I was hanging around the worst people on earth and I was one of them, people who had no value for an innocent life and wanted to take it. That's when the nightmares started, every night I'd see the face in my mind, hanging itself and I couldn't get it off my mind, I felt like a bloodstain on the earth, I was even thinking of taking my own life… and I remember, feeling just as lost as you were on a cold street at 2 in the morning, I had just tried to jump off a bridge, but I couldn't do it, and the only place that was still open was a church, an old church and there was a man in there, a man who sat in there praying and I told him how I felt, and how I felt like nothing could ever rid that face from my mind, I would always feel guilty… but he said something amazing… he said that there was someone who would forgive me, you can probably work out the rest for yourself, anyway, I prayed… and that face left my mind, gone… I could finally be forgiven, I couldn't forgive myself, but God could. I'm telling you this Paulie, cause I think I know what's going on and I just want to…"
"I'm a screw up," said Paulie, "An absolute screw up, I'm the most unchristian Christian there is, I swear, I drink, I smoke, I do drugs, I get into fights, I upset people and I probably would've lost my virginity by now had I had the option."
Gunman smiled and nodded, "Paulie… there is no such thing as an unchristian Christian, and I want to tell you, that God loves you just as much as he does me and will love you just as much when you're drinking as when you're praying, and there is nothing so bad you could do that he wouldn't forgive you for it."
"Yeah," said Paulie, "I think I get it."
"That's not to say," said Gunman leaning back, "That I advise you continue such activities."
Paulie nodded, "yeah, it's just…" He sighed, "I know it sounds like an excuse, but it's just my Dad… he is all over the place… and there's just nothing I can…"

"He won't let you live your own life? And you don't get why?" asked Gunman.

"Yes," said Paulie laughing, "That's exactly it."
"Look Paulie this is a very in-depth conversation… and you don't look like your in the condition for it at all, I want you to go home and get some sleep and we can talk during the week, properly, man to man, yeah?"
Paulie opened his mouth to rebut, but then nodded, "Yeah, I suppose…"
"Sun will be up any minute now," said Gunman, "Better get moving"

"Alright," said Paulie standing up.

"Wait a minute, I just wanna recite one verse first, just one to keep in mind. John 14:1. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.'"

Paulie nodded slowly, "Right."


Paulie crept in the house closing the door quietly. As Paulie trod on the first step he heard his Dad's voice, "I prayed tonight Paulie," said his Dad.

Paulie frowned and entered the kitchen, "Don't you usually pray."
Peter breathed in, "I prayed tonight and I said, 'Lord? Why is my son such a failure?'"
Paulie smiled and nodded, "Oh wow, that's great, real original, nice one."
"Where were you tonight Paulie?" asked Peter.

"Do you even need to ask?" shouted Paulie, "You already know, what do you even care anymore?"
"It's just constant Paulie!" shouted Peter, "Every single night, I'm doing everything I can, I'm pulling you out of Roundview, does nothing make you stop? I can smell the alcohol on your breath!"
"I know, I'm a screw up Dad! You never had to tell me, I already knew! And it's not like I've not tried to do anything about it! But when I'm wound up and lonely, you aren't there to help, it was just luck that I had Chris Gunner…"
"Chris Gunner?" said Peter as he took a deep breath in, "I thought I told you not to go to that church."
"Wait a minute!" said Paulie suddenly, "How do yo-"
"I strictly said! You've gone to party's, gone to that druggie church, is there anywhere else I've told you to not go, that you've gone to?" he asked.

Paulie paused for a minute, staring at his father with a sour face.

The realization hit Peter, "You've been going to the hospital."
"Another surprise," said Paulie.

Peter slammed his fist against the table, "That was my number 1. Rule! You remember! I said under no circumstances are you to go to the hospital."
"She's lonely in there Dad! She's sick and lonely in there! She needs someone!" shouted Paulie.

"She is sick in more ways than one! And the other type is infectious; she will transfer her ways onto you! And she has made herself lonely!" said Peter pointing his finger.

"No!" said Paulie standing up against him, "You made her lonely! You're the one who did this to her! She said sorry and you couldn't get over yourself and ended up messing it up, and you took years of your own failure out on her and me! Guess you couldn't stand the part of her that lives in me and no longer lives in yo-"

"If she didn't want to face God's wrath, she should not have fallen short of the glory of God!" said Peter turning around.

"And what? You've never done anything wrong? You've never had to ask for forgiveness, cause I'm pretty damn sure you have!"

Peter turned around once again to face him, "I never defiled the name of the Lord in such a way as that woman."
"She's my Mum!" screamed Paulie.

"She is a Harlot!" screamed Peter.

Everything inside Paulie snapped, as in one swift motion he pulled his arm all the way back around his head, he then swung his fist forward as it connected with his father's cheek bone, sending him flying back as his head smacked the cupboard and his tailbone whacked the kitchen sink. His body went limp and he swung around to the left falling unconscious to the ground, all of which took about 3 seconds.

Paulie felt all the air escape from his lungs as he grabbed his face stroking it, "Holy shit," he muttered, "Oh fuck… holy shit," he said. Paulie grabbed his hair and pulled back on it.

He walked backwards and stumbled into the hallway grabbing the doorframe, not able to take his eyes off his Dad lying face down in the kitchen.

Paulie turned around and broke into a run, slamming the door outside. He quickly grabbed his bike and began to pedalled off into the rain.


As the rain now pelted down around him. Paulie was completely unsure of what his emotions were doing; they were running wild, in fear, anger and over all sadness. The pedals became more slippery in the rain and his foot pushed too far forward and slid off just after the hill.

The bike began to wobble and Paulie veered to his left as it got caught on the mud in the ditch. Paulie flew over the handlebars and skidded across the mud as it ripped open scars on his arms and he cried out in pain.

He hauled himself up with his mouth hanging open and looked round at the bike. He held his left arm with his right hand and picked up the bike with the left hand; the entire chassis was twisted, there was no way he could ride it.

"FUCK!" he screamed as he through the bike down back into the ditch.

He threw his arm over his head to shield him from the rain, not that it did much good and began to run forwards up towards the hospital.

He walked in and ignored the shop; he wasn't in the mood for it today. He just hit the elevator button and waited as it slowly went up. The doors slid open as Paulie stepped forward trotting towards the ward. Lauren looked up at him from the desk, "Paulie!" she said, "I've been trying to ring you."
Paulie shook his head, "Not now Lauren."

Lauren pushed herself up from the desk and ran over behind Paulie, "I need to speak to you."
Paulie walked into the ward to notice the light of the storm glimmering in onto the empty bed.

"Where is she?" asked Paulie.

"Paulie sit on the bed," she said, "I've been trying to contact you."
"Look I just need to find my Mum, I'll talk to you later." He said.

"She went into surgery," said Lauren, looking up at him with dried-out eyes.

Paulie shook his head, "No, she can't have, she would've told me if she was having a surgery."
"The tumors were getting worse Paulie, she didn't want to tell you cause you were stressing too much with everything happening in your life. Didn't you wander what all the clipboards were for?" "
Paulie's eyes were hanging wide open as it all began to sink in.

"Look those tumors could've killed her so the doctor's told her and said the decision was hers and sometimes you have to make risks and… they sometimes aren't always successful…"
"Lauren…" said Paulie, "Please don't, I don't care about anything else, just please don't fucking do it."
"I'm sorry Paulie… she didn't make it, she died on the operating table," said Lauren.

"No she didn't, this is some prank gone wrong or she is down in the gym, you're just messing me over, I would've known." Said Paulie stamping his foot on the ground.

"Paulie, the surgeons did everything they could, there's some things you just can't fight and everybody has to go sometime, and they fought as hard as they could."

"Well they should have fought harder!" he shouted, "she can't be gone, I didn't get a proper goodbye, I can't even remember the last thing I said to her, I would've been passing her paper towels or something."
"I'm so sorry Paulie, I'm right here if you…"
"She was the only person I was certain loved me…" said Paulie.

"I love you Paulie," said Lauren, "And God loves you, you just…"
"No," said Paulie, "No, if God really cared… then this wouldn't be happening right now."
"Paulie we don't know why God does things, we just have to trust that his made the best decision."
"No," said Paulie shaking his head as his breathing got faster, "No, I don't care anymore, I don't care for him anymore at all."
Paulie burst into run heading for the elevator.

"Paulie!" shouted Lauren as she tried to chase after him, but the doors to the elevator had already shut.


Paulie ran out of the hospital at full speed, the rain burning against his skin, he knew he had to run, as fast as he could, when he finally reached the bottom of the hill he stopped panting for breath and looked to his right where his mangled bike lay rusting from the rain.

Paulie walked forward past it and stood alongside the river panting, looking at his reflection.

"John 14:1." He said to himself aloud, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."

"I trusted in you God," he shouted, "I truly did, and you could've done anything, you did anything, but why did you take her? I don't care what excuse you have, there isn't one good enough! After all I've been through you do that… You know what?" he looked up at the sky, "I'm done trusting in you. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! WHY!" He screamed, "OF ALL THINGS! WHY YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING DICK! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" he screamed just before he fell over onto the bank of the river crying as the water soaked through his hair but he couldn't tell as his whole body heaved in sadness.


That was a long chapter, I'm glad I got a bit out in that, it was quite a painful one to write and also to make sure I didn't fall into any cliché death but something a lot more personal, and I know it seems a lot in this story that I'm just talking about Christianity, but just keep in mind we're dealing with all teenage issues and religion is a big one and as we can see it doesn't always go well. I just want to say that if you're suffering from loneliness, depression or loss of a loved one, make sure you speak out to someone, please do it, you're too special to be lost.