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Chapter 6: Tea For Two
(WITH SUGAR!)
A Parody By: Anda Faith
Narrator: Immediately as our "young hunter" and "Katrina stalker" got to Carvahall, they parted and went their separate ways….
Roran: FIX! MY! CHISEL! (he runs toward Horst's smith shop, then veers off, heading in the direction of Katrina's house)
Eragon: (shakes head and sighs)
Narrator: So our proud young hunter walks to the village karaoke singer, who also tells tales for a living…
Brom's House: (In shambles, and is very tiny)
Narrator: Obviously he doesn't get paid much…
Eragon: (knocks on door)
Brom: Don't want any!
Eragon: (persistent)
Brom: (sings) I hear you knocking but you can't come in!
Eragon: (opens door) I just need to ask you a question!
Brom: I don't know how to fix a chisel – okay?
Eragon: Oh, (shuts door)
Door: (bang) (is shut)
Eragon: Roran – he, uh – had a conniption.
Brom: (raises eyebrow) What do you want, boy? (broody stare)
Pipe Hanging From His Mouth: (smokes like a train)
Brom: (stuffs more tobacco into pipe)
Pipe: (soo smoky)
House: (fills with smoke)
Eragon: (cough) I need to- (cough) -ask a few questions. About Dragons…
Brom: (sets kettle on fire) Yeah, I know all about Dragons – many a tale – many a tale! Do you like coffee or tea?
Eragon: Tea… as long as there is lots and lots and lots of sugar!!!!!!! (starts shaking at the thought of sugar)
Brom: I think of coffee the same way – sit down. (pours cup of coffee) Oh, yeah, we were on Dragons, eh? I know about the Riders….
Eragon: I've heard of those… (looks around)
DISCOVERY!: (rickety chair)
Eragon: (sits)
Chair: (soo rickety)
Brom: (downs coffee) Dragons are fun – when you ride them, it's like the wind blowing through your hair – and (sings) I'm born to be wild! Get your dragon running – fly out on the sky way! Looking for adventure! (smokes pipe)
Pipe: (smoky)(smoky)
Eragon: (gapes) So the Rider's exist? Not just in myths?
Brom: (pours second cup of coffee) Yep! They used to!
Eragon: (excited) And you were one?!
Brom: (smokes pipe) Did I say that?
Pipe: (really smokin' now!)
Eragon: (gives confused look)
Tea Kettle: (whistles) (screams) (smokes slightly)
Fire: (licks bottom of tea kettle)
Brom: Ohh – your tea is ready. (pours tea) (hands over the jar of sugar) Be careful – it's potent… (re-stuffs pipe with tobacco)
Pipe: (so very somkey!)
Eragon: (pours sugar into tea)
Sugar jar: (empty)
Brom: (stares) Now, as I was saying about the elves-
Eragon: There are elves?! Where did they come from?!
Brom: I have no clue – but there was an elf called Eragon… (very vague)
Eragon: (glares) He stole my name!! (downs tea) (scalds tongue) Hatcha!!! (pushes past pain) Good good good!
Brom: (smokes pipe) Yes, he was a Dragon rider…
Pipe: (smoky)
Eragon: Yay – what did he name the Dragon? Harold? Wilson? Tell me he named it Wilson!!! (he smiles so wide – his face looks in pain)
Brom: (shakes head) No – there was never a Dragon named Wilson – he named it Bid'Daum! Anymore questions? (smokes pipe)
Pipe: (smoking strong)
Eragon: (thinks) What does Eragon mean – like the elfin meaning of it – cause Roran keeps telling me Eragon means 'village idiot' in our language.
Brom: (nods) (downs more coffee) (pours another cup) It's such an old name-
Eragon: I'm sixteen! HA! Not OLD!
Brom: (rolls eyes) You don't look sixteen… (smokes) Any more questions?
Eragon: Ummm – I heard the dragons scales are really pretty and is it possible for a Rider to hear a Dragon's thoughts? I mean like call if it calls your name and stuff?
Brom: (gapes) Are you hallucinating, boy?
Eragon: (shrugs) No – maybe – Garrow's going to get me help but - ummm… do Dragons live long?
Brom: As long as their rider is alive – and that's a long time because they can live for damn near FOR-EV-ER – magic is freaky like that…. (smokes)
Pipe: (oh, yeah, soo smoky)
Eragon: (smiles) Cool! Have you ever seen a Dragon?
Brom: (shocked) I'm not THAT OLD!
Eragon: (snorts and mutters) You look it… ummm – what were the names of the Dragons? Do you know?
Brom: (downs coffee) Yes, yes, yes - I do I do! Names... Jura – Hirador – Fundor-
Eragon: FUN! Woohoo!
Brom: No – FunDOR – then there was Briam, Ohen the Strong, Puff the Magical, Roslarb, and Saphira… that about sums it up… Is that all you wanted?
Eragon: (nods) Yep! I better go pull Roran away from Katrina so we can get that chisel fixed… Garrow would probably blow up if we didn't.
Brom: (smokes) Garrow wouldn't blow up… he's not like that. He's a very nice man.
Pipe: (smokes in agreement)
Eragon: (shakes head) No, really, when Garrow gets mad, he literally blows up! (eyes widen) I better go!
Brom: You better… (smokes)
Pipe: (smoke signal) Goodbye!
Eragon: (walks out of shack, dazed from inhaling all that smoke) (blinks) (coughs when normal air enters lungs) (blinks) (suddenly sugar-rush hits) CHISEL! CHISEL! CHISEL! GOT! TO! FIX! CHISEL! (burst of energy) (sprints toward Carvahall)
Narrator: That will be all for this chapter… (Stares at Eragon, then looks at Brom's house curiously)
Brom's door: (ajar)(emits smoke)
Narrator: (peers inside house) (sneaks in) (sits on rickety chair)
Chair: (rickety)
Narrator: (coughs and waves hand to clear away smoke) So, what did the villagers say at the last meeting? Hmmmm?
Brom: (rolls eyes and looks guilty) Never feed Eragon sugar…
