A/N: I am so, so sorry for the long wait- almost two weeks, I know. Unfortunalty, my school has high expectations on coursework and it's been getting harder for me to write. But here it is! Hope you enjoy, and thank you for all your reviews/favorites/follows last chapter. I'm sorry that I couldn't reply to any :( Just a reminder: these one-shots are not connected.

Uploaded: Sept 2 2012


7) Geniuses Tend to be Annoyingly Perceptive

Holly Short tapped her fingers on the armrests of her elf-sized chair. Sighing, she checked her watch for what was possibly the fifth time in about ten minutes.

Where is that d'Arvitting mud man?

The Captain was presently at Fowl Manor, waiting for Artemis. He had requested Holly to come to the Manor to conduct some 'interview' on her. About what, she had no idea. Frond, it better not be something stupid, like how many calories are in a nettle smoothie. I've been waiting here for thirty minutes.

Just when she was about to stomp out of his study and go downstairs, the door opened and a sheepish Artemis came in. He was carrying a recording device, clipboard, and an undoubtedly expensive pen.

"Ah, Holly, I see you're still here. I'm sorry I had to keep you waiting. Mother wanted some help with the finances," he explained.

The elf narrowed her eyes at him. "You got lucky, bub. I was just about to find you. So what's this interview about?"

Artemis sat himself down at a desk in front of her and arranged his materials on top of it. Steepling his fingers, he replied, "Well, you might be familiar with the fact that I write romance novels with the nom de plume Violet Tsirblou. This is to produce extra revenue in a more, ah, legal way."

Holly nodded. "Yeah. So?" Oh, she knew alright. Foaly had a stack of them hidden behind his processors. She pretended not to notice. I wonder what Arty would say if he found out. Wait, is this what the interview's about?

Before she could ask him that, Artemis continued speaking. "Typically, I write my works with an archetypal 'damsel in distress' heroine. But my so-called publishers," he said distastefully, "suggested a different theme. According to some polls, women seem to find the 'action girl' types more enjoyable to read."

Holly nodded. "Continue."

"As stated before, I've only written one type of female lead. A new character brings a new set of problems: mainly, finding a love interest for her. I am afraid to admit that I really do not have any idea what type of men that a more dynamic character would be interested in."

"And what does this have to do with me?"

Fowl smirked. "I figured the best way to get into an action girl's mind is to ask one itself."

Holly's eye twitched. "Excuse me?"

He kept smiling at her. "You do, after all, have a very exuberant personality."

"Let me get this straight. You want to interview me on my romantic interests," she said slowly, "To collect research for a book. I'm not some fictional character, Artemis."

Fowl spread his hands. "Come on, Holly. I need your help. I thought you wanted me to become legal." He gave her an earnest look- earnest as far as Artemis Fowl could get.

"Well, yeah, but I'm not going to let you put me in some stupid romance novel!"

"Technically, I wouldn't be inserting you in. I'd just base a character on your emotions and attributes."

Holly glared at him. What does he think I am, some kind of test subject?

"What about Juliet? She's macho enough," she reasoned.

Artemis shook his head no. "Juliet is a bit too 'girly'. While she does have excellent combat skills, the rest of her resembles an overly energetic teenage girl. Besides, you're already here. You ought to stay and enjoy your time on the surface."

The elfin Captain sighed. I guess he's right. I might as well suffer though his D'arvitting interview, since I'm already here. It couldn't hurt too much.

"Fine," she conceded, giving him a pointed look, "but no personal questions."

Artemis nodded. "You have my word."

Holly almost snorted. "Oh, yes. Artemis Fowl's word. A very valuable thing we've got here, hmm?"

The genius ignored her barb. "First things first. There are three components you will be surveyed on: physical aesthetics, personality traits, and other talents. You will inform me what your 'dream man' would have in each category. Remember, this is for research purposes."

Research purposes, my bum. Holly highly doubted that was the case. He was most likely doing for his own twisted reasons.

"So you basically want me to tell you what I think is hot in a guy."

Artemis rolled his eyes. "If you wanted to put it in more vulgar terms, then yes." He shuffled around his desk and grabbed the recording device, then clicked it. A beep sounded.

"First question: What physical attributes do you find attractive in a man?"

Holly leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. She was still a bit miffed about being pulled into this. Stupid mud man, she thought. Manipulative little prick.

The elfin Captain thought about his question. What would her ideal man look like? She'd never really thought about it before- yes, she was female, but usually Holly was too busy to think about such trivial things. That was left best to people like Lili Frond, she thought. Obviously, she was never able to fantasize about what kind of hair he'd have, or what color eyes, but she supposed there was a man for every type of girl. Even the tough, loose-cannon-cop ones like her.

"I'm not really sure," she said aloud, "I never actually thought about it."

Artemis tilted his head. "Interesting," he muttered. "Studies and common sense show that most women seem to prefer good-looking men over plain ones. Are you telling me that it does not matter what one looks like to be a potential love interest?"

He seemed oddly engrossed in that. Holly swore she saw a slight bit of excitement in his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it came.

The fairy shrugged. "I don't know. Like I said, I never really thought that type of thing. Still, I guess there has to be something I find attractive in men…" she said thoughtfully.

The twenty-year-old genius looked up into her eyes. "Indeed? Like what?"

She tried to imagine a handsome face. Who do I find appealing? Holly thought about Trouble Kelp. While he certainly was easy on the eyes, she just didn't feel an attraction to him. Maybe it was because of his typical elfin looks- nut brown skin, auburn hair, and hazel eyes. It was a bit boring seeing the same thing on everybody.

Maybe someone like Chix? He had a blonde mop and green eyes, which was uncommon in fairies. That was different. But he's disgusting. I would never be interested in Chix. She discarded the idea immediately.

Suddenly, an oddly familiar face popped in her mind. Now he was definitely the one- midnight black locks, perfectly shaped pale features, a slight build- Artemis!

Holly froze. Artemis was her best friend. She couldn't think of him in that way- even though he was quite the looker at only twenty years of age. She'd die before she told him that he was her picture of attractiveness. It just wouldn't work between them, even though she wished it would.

"Blonde hair. I like blonde hair," she blurted out.

The genius raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "Really? I didn't realize that you were so keen on Private Verbil's hair color."

Shoot. Holly almost groaned. He's a genius. Of course he knows when I lie. Oh, Frond. Might as well stick with it.

"Just because I don't like Chix doesn't mean I don't like that hair color," The elf retorted defensively. She narrowed her eyes. "Besides, what's it to you? I thought this was for research purposes," Holly said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I see," Artemis replied, still unconvinced, "However, you still need to give me a better description. Which eye color? Would you prefer the man to be physically fit?"

"Um…" Holly went for a fairly common color to answer his first question. "Brown eyes, I guess." The second question was easier to respond to. "And yeah, I'd want someone in shape. You know, to keep up with the heroine while saving the world," she gave him a pointed look. Artemis got the hint.

The ex-criminal smirked and leaned slightly over the desk. "I assure you, Holly, I'm not the scrawny thirteen-year-old I used to be. I am now very easily able to 'keep up' with you, as you say."

Oh, Holly knew. She could tell by the way his shirts became a bit tighter and how slight muscles appeared when he rolled his sleeves up (after five years of Angeline's pestering, he compromised and did it more frequently.) His training sessions were doing him good- Fowl wasn't quite bodybuilder level yet, but he was certainly getting better.

"I'm sure you could." Holly rolled her eyes. "Can we move on now, please?"

"Oh. Yes," Artemis shuffled his papers and leaned back in his chair. "Second question: What type of personality would you find agreeable in your supposed love interest? Be sure to elaborate: Would he be intelligent? Naïve? Humorous?"

This one shouldn't be too hard, Holly thought."Well, I guess I'd want him to be smart." She frowned. "Any self-respecting police girl wouldn't go running around with an imbecile."

The genius paused from his notes and looked up. "How smart?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe my level of intelligence?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Fascinating. You don't want to be dominated in brainpower."

Was he trying to provoke her? Honestly, sometimes Artemis could be so juvenile. Holly huffed. You know what they say about assuming…

"Shut up, Fowl. You know that's not true." She folded her arms and glared at him.

He smirked. "Anything else you'd like to add?"

Holly had to resist the urge to wipe that smug smile off his face. She breathed and counted to ten. Calm down, Holly. That will accomplish nothing. But the truth was that she found Artemis' confidence and astuteness appealing. Although he got on her nerves, the mud man really was an amazing person. An amazing friend, and if she got her way, more.

"I don't want him to be a bore," she gritted out. "If he's going to save the world with his girl, he better have the guts to do it. No weaknesses- he should be brave and resourceful. But not so much that he interferes with my independence. I'm not a sissy either."

It was true, what she said: Holly had no patience for an innocent idiot like Orion.

"Good point," Artemis replied. He wrote a couple of notes on his pad. "Women akin to yourself are typically very feminist. I will be sure to incorporate that trait into my character."

"Great, whatever. Can we move on now?"

"Of course." Fowl cleared his throat. "Any special talents that he would have? Or anything else?"

"That's a hard one…" she pondered, swinging her feet, "It depends on the situation. If I was planning to fight a bunch of renegade goblins, a fire-proof ability would be cool. But that's not possible, or plausible. So maybe a good hand with weapons?"

"Any other ideas?"

How about a genius intellect? Hah, I wish.

"Not that I can think of, no. I don't want him to be superhuman, you know. So are we done yet?" Holly asked.

"Yes, I suppose. You may leave now, but I would be pleased if you stayed," he replied, while shuffling his papers. The recorder sounded.

"Sorry, Arty, but I have to go. When should I expect to see your next book out? I can't wait to read it," Holly said, a bit sarcastically.

Artemis raised a brow, which was the equivalent of shrugging for him. He stood up and pushed in his chair, with Holly following suit. "I do not know yet. Rest assured, I will most certainly send you a copy when it is released."

The elf grabbed her pair of DoubleDex wings. "All right, Arty, I've got to go. Foaly just sent me a report. I'll see you later, I guess?"

He gave her a little half smile. "Of course, Holly. Have a good flight," he genius said, and watched her glide out of his window.

.0.0

Three Months later

Holly looked curiously at the little brown package in front of the door to her flat. Exhausted from another late-night crime scene investigation, all she wanted to do was plop down on her sofa and sleep. However, a bout of inquisitiveness came over her when she saw the box.

The elf picked it up. What could this be? A muffled thumping noise sounded when she shook it. Whatever. I'll just open it inside.

Once Holly unlocked the door and turned on her lights, she took out a knife and cut the sim-poly tape on top of the box. Reaching inside, the Captain found a slim paperback novel. She read the title and smiled.

It was called Never in Distress by Violet Tsirblou.


A/N: Yeah, I didn't like the ending. Oh well. By the way, as of now, my beta services are open! Send me a PM if you're interested. And another thing: I've been planning to end this story at ten or twelve chapters. If you've got any more ideas, please review! Thanks for reading.