Embrace, weave, release. Embrace, weave, release. With every tenth repetition, a long chain of weaves to push herself, cycling through what she knew to keep the knowledge fresh. Egwene didn't care that she was worn to the bone, or that she had other studies to conduct. There were more important things than rest. Embrace, weave, release. Embrace, weave, release.
She knew the other novices talked about her behind her back, that she was working as one driven by the Dark One himself. They thought she was trying to belittle their efforts by working as hard as she did. Elayne had done what she could to make light of the situation, but when she thought she wasn't looking the stress showed. Egwene had pity for her, and she hoped Elayne didn't take it personally when she bore the brunt of the other novices' ire. What they thought didn't matter anyway. She had work to do. Embrace, weave, release.
The Aes Sedai that watched her praised her attentiveness to her studies, or at the very least derided her less than the other novices. In moments when her concentration lapsed she had seen several of them pausing to watch her, some going out of their way to observe her at work. She had heard many comment that with this diligence she may yet be a great Aes Sedai. Their aspirations for her would be beneficial, but they were not the end of her focus. Embrace, weave, release.
The Accepted Irella watched over her today, meant to be a guiding presence should she misstep with a weave or put herself or others in danger – though truthfully Irella was perhaps most used to this exercise than any save herself. She no longer bothered paying more than marginal attention, using the time to attend to her own studies. That suited her just fine. The White Tower's rules stated that all novices must be in the presence of an Accepted or Aes Sedai to practice weaving with the One Power, but nothing in that forbade them from applying more than cursory attention. If Irella used the time for her own benefit, so be it. Embrace, weave, release.
She prepared for the gauntlet of weaves, one which she had built over the few months of her extra tutelage, and laid into them with every fiber of concentration she could muster. Simple tendrils of each aspect alone gave way to more intricate weaves combining the One Power, meshwork growing more interconnected and complicated as she went. Earth and Water, Air and Fire and Spirit, all aspects of the One Power that she could muster went into her weaves. She built them to the height of power, until they quivered with energy, until they were on the cusp of being unleashed on the world, before releasing their form and leaping into the next.
"Egwene, I think it is time for you to be done."
With the admonishment Egwene obediently released her hold on saidar, feeling her senses revert to normal. She took in a deep breath before bowing to Irella. "Thank you for watching over me as I practice, Accepted."
The woman smiled demurely. "You hardly need my oversight anymore. Truth be told, I stepped out for lunch while you were in the middle of your repetitions. Don't look so surprised; I trust that you'll not burn the Tower down about us, and it was for but a moment. It also brought to my attention that you've worked nearly through the entire lunch hour. Go downstairs before everything has been eaten; you need to keep up your strength."
Egwene resisted the urge to snort, the closest thing to laughing she did in recent days. What nobody seemed to realize was that it was never a matter of strength – that, she had built over her training. It was a question of how far she could push herself before she had to sleep, if she would be too tired to dream or if her nightmares would haunt her and sap what little rest she could find. She bowed once more. "Of course, Accepted."
The nightmares were all that visited her now. Whether they were of Perrin staring dumbfounded as Trollocs charged at him, or of Nynaeve and Lan with their hands covered in the blood of the wounds they must have suffered, or of Rand with his face so covered by shadow she couldn't make out any details, these phantasms were all that visited her if she did not work hard enough. Worst of all were the dreams of being alone, of being besieged in her parents' inn or trapped in Shadar Logoth and being unable to draw upon the One Power. No matter how hard she tried the embrace of saidar would never come, and she was powerless to stop any of the atrocities her mind concocted.
Even here, in the heart of the White Tower, she was not safe. She would dream that the very halls she now walked, brightly lit and visible to the eyes of many, would be darkened and illuminated only by a strange half-light and plagued by the dark creatures she had seen in the corners of her vision since running afoul of the Accepted Jeaulise. At first she had tried to smile and convince others around her that all was well – the other novices had brushed her distraction off as focus on her studies, and Elayne had sent her nervous assurances of her support. But as days dragged into weeks and the twisted bodies with their upturned faces kept hounding her through every night, it seemed less meaningful to sustain the ruse. Now they took no notice at her unfocused gaze or desire to be left alone, and she had only Elayne for company when she studied and took her meals, or the specters of the dead when she traveled the hallways by herself.
The dining hall was mostly empty with the exception of the tables closest to the main entrance. Her normal table situated close to the kitchen was vacant but for two plates of food and a single occupant, her golden-red curls neatly braided behind her as she sat with perfect poise. As she approached Elayne looked to her, concern poorly hidden behind a wry grin. "There you are! I was beginning to wonder if I should send Gawyn out with a search party."
Egwene took her place opposite of her, reaching for food long since grown cold. "I was studying," she gave, tearing into the roll on her plate with her thumbs. "You don't have to wait for me to eat; there's no need for your food to go cold as well."
Elayne shook her head. "It's incredibly bad form to eat before everyone is seated at a table. Besides,you're always studying. Don't you think you ought to take one night for yourself after a few months of constant work? There's no need to push yourself this hard."
Egwene shrugged, pacing how quickly she ate her food. She never thought a simple yeast roll would seem to her so flavorful, nor as satisfying as it was to her stomach, but when finally it disappeared she found herself wishing for more. Still, no need for Elayne to see her as ravenous as she actually was. "What else am I to do with my time? If I am to become Aes Sedai, I need to study as much as I am able to, until I find my limits and surpass them."
"That doesn't mean you need to stop seeing people altogether. There's always Thom. I know he would appreciate the company, being left with only the Warders as conversation partners. He normally lives secluded in his room, or in the Yellow Ajah's quarters with Moiraine Sedai. In fact, I'm sure she would enjoy the company; they say that she's making a full recovery, and it's been ages since you visited with her. Or what about your friend in Tar Valon itself? Perrin was his name, correct?"
The yawning pit of raw hunger in Egwene's stomach found itself joined by a cloying sense of guilt and discomfort that spread through her body. Perrin. She had been helpless to save Rand and the others, but she had abandoned Perrin when he had needed her the most. Every day that she delayed she felt the sting of her own betrayal more sharply, until it became second nature to turn to her studies instead of trying to see him. Part of her wished she had gone once, but how would she explain herself – how could she explain herself – for not visiting earlier? There was no forgiveness for that, and she wanted to believe that he had carried on with his life. She sank into her seat, avoiding Elayne's gaze. "I'm sure he's moved on by now," she sighed. "I don't know that he would ever want to meet with me in the first place."
She heard Elayne sniff in distaste, and the likeness to Nynaeve was so strong it made her heart leap a beat. "Egwene, that's positively foolish. He knows you, and he grew up with you; of course he would want to see you again! I'll speak with the Mistress of Novices on your behalf and we'll get you at least one evening free from your duties."
Her tone allowed for no argument, and the oily guilt in Egwene's stomach was joined by fear. She had seen firsthand what became of those on the receiving end of that voice, those who felt her natural charisma unbridled by any sense of propriety or limitation. She did not think that even the Aes Sedai would be wholly immune from its force, if Elayne believed herself to be in the right. And the worst thing to have for herself, the single greatest threat to her wellbeing, was time – to think, to remember, to see the shadows wherever she looked. Her appetite fled from her. "I have to go," she mumbled, gathering her utensils and reaching for her glass.
A cool hand rested itself on her shoulder, and she froze. In her nightmares, when the Myrddraal caught her and there was nowhere else to run, their touch felt the same on her skin. The plate dropped the short distance from her hands to the table, sturdy wood thudding against the polished surface. A scream leapt unbidden to her throat, and it was only because she had not breath in her lungs that it died before it reached her lips. Reflexively she reached out for saidar, filling herself to the brim with as much of the One Power as she could hold.
The hand retracted itself quickly, startled almost as much as she had been. "Um...pardon me for asking Egwene, but do you mind if I sit down?"
If her ears hadn't been sharpened by saidar Egwene might have only heard a mewling behind her. She released the One Power, ashamed that she had assumed her life to be in danger inside the White Tower, and was startled to find the doe-eyed novice wringing her hands. She fought to regain control of herself, giving a curt nod. "Of course you can, Else. There's no rules against sitting, after all."
Like a hunting kingfisher she descended, smoothing the front of her bleached white dress as she shifted to and fro. Elayne offered a warm smile. "What can we do for you?"
Else's face was wan, her breathing shallow. She clasped her hands together so hard that all her fingers turned white from the pressure. After a brief pause she looked up to Egwene, her words squeezing out in a rush. "Don't be mad for asking, but I would very much like to study with you."
The request took her aback, and she blinked in surprise. "But why would you do that? You can study with the Accepted."
"What she means to say," Elayne cut in gracefully, "is that it seems less advantageous for you to study with her, when you could ask someone more experienced and practiced to help. Is there something in particular that you can only study with Egwene?"
Else started wringing her hands together, and a passing notion minded Egwene that she should perhaps sound more sympathetic. Else took a deep breath. "Well no, not exactly; but whenever I ask for help from one of the Aes Sedai they always give me a glare like I should know more about what I asked them. The Accepted make me feel like I'm stupid, but I have to ask someone, and I don't want to keep feeling like I can't do things. It wouldn't just be about the One Power; it could be about the other things we're supposed to learn about – I know I don't have much of a head for history, but history is so useful to help remember why nations have the laws they do, and Aes Sedai are supposed to safeguard what history we have—"
Egwene rapped her knuckles on the table. "Else, that's what the Accepted are supposed to do as part of their duties," she replied tersely, weary of hearing the girl prattle on. "I don't have time to spare, and I don't think it would be a wise decision to ask me to be your tutor."
"Why not? I believe it would be an excellent use of your time."
All three of their heads swiveled to the newcomer, and Egwene felt her eyes bulge in her head. There was no denying who the speaker was with her ageless face and the way in which she carried herself. Though of a plump build and handsome rather than beautiful, the Aes Sedai before them bore her station with every inch of herself, every step she took toward them. "They say that to teach is the greatest tool by which we can learn, and I think there is value in that sentiment. How else but in teaching can we learn of our own shortcomings, and work to strengthen ourselves? How else but through the lens of a student can we reevaluate the world?"
Egwene swallowed, shakily inclining her head. "Aes Sedai, please forgive us. We meant only to discuss options for Else."
"Why should I have need to forgive you? As I believe I made clear, I think this would be a great asset to your own studies. You are far enough along in your studies that aiding others would not hinder you, and you are certainly more versed in the One Power than nearly every other novice. Perhaps this will ensure you stay clear of any unsavory characters in your time here."
The Aes Sedai repositioned herself to better see the threshold from which she had entered, and as she did so another Aes Sedai entered the space. Aside from her ageless face Egwene knew her to be Red Ajah on sight – no other Ajah went so out of their way to declaim their allegiances as the Red sisters, nor did so many Aes Sedai as the Red wear their stoles as badges of pride; and the woman before them was no exception to the unspoken rule. Clad in a dress of bright scarlets, her long golden curls were framed by the shawl Egwene knew to have the Flame of Tar Valon embroidered into its pattern. She scanned the assembly before her, lips pursed silently. The other Aes Sedai showed no visible reaction to the addition. "Liandrin. How good of you to join us. Is there something you need in the kitchens, or did it strike your fancy to take a stroll with the novices?"
The woman identified as Liandrin flushed, if it were possible for her cheeks to lose any more color. She focused on Egwene, and Egwene thought she would melt under the intensity in her gaze. "There was a surge in the One Power. This girl, she is responsible for it?"
"Egwene was merely demonstrating her growing prowess in the study of saidar," the other Aes Sedai responded smoothly. "Having seen what she can do, I recommended she tutor young Else here for both their benefits."
Liandrin's eyes narrowed slightly, the only sign of irritation in her demeanor. "The Mistress of Novices, she will not approve of this usurpation. This girl, she has her own studies, and she is not ready for a thimbleful of the responsibility—"
"I will speak to the Mistress of Novices myself on the matter, and make certain that Egwene has all the resources at hand to properly give instruction. In fact, I will even make myself available to ensure that no accidents or miscommunications occur. Will that be all Liandrin, or did you come to volunteer your services in the kitchen as well? I imagine the pans used for today's sweetcakes could use a good scouring."
Egwene was certain the temperature in the room was low enough to form icicles. Liandrin stiffened, shooting a baleful glower to the other Aes Sedai; then, as if she remembered another engagement, she sauntered back out of the dining hall without pause. Egwene let out a breath she hadn't realized was being held, then looked to the other novices. Both Elayne and Else looked as if they had been struck across the face, and Elayne seemed to be chanting something silently to herself. The Aes Sedai seemed to notice none of it, motioning to Egwene. "Come. Walk with me."
Hastily Egwene curtsied. "If it pleases you, Aes Sedai, what can I do to be of service?"
The Aes Sedai waved her hand dismissively as she walked out of the room, and Egwene was hard pressed to keep up with her stride. "Call me Verin, child; 'Aes Sedai' sounds much too formal, and I am not the Amyrlin Seat. I told Liandrin Sedai that I would provide you with the resources to teach that novice – Else, was it? – and as much as I would love to simply guide you to your own path, I will not be made a liar."
Egwene managed a hasty look back to the table where her peers sat before realizing how far behind she had fallen in the short span of time. Verin was deceptively quick on her feet for her size. "But Verin Sedai, how will I tutor Else when I have my own studies?"
Verin tsked, turning a corner abruptly. "Child, you may hide from the other novices in study, but do not assume that you can hide from me. Isolation will not save you from your problems. Your sisters will one day have need of you out in the world, not sequestered away in a room. All things we do are for the benefit of all. The laws we study, the nations whose peace we help keep, the lives we save – even the history we preserve is for the betterment of the many, not just the enrichment of the one. You must learn to balance."
The news did not raise her spirits, yet she knew Aes Sedai could speak only the truth. "I will try, Verin Sedai."
"You are not listening to me. You shall either succeed or you shall fail; there is no other alternative."
They walked the rest of the way in silence, though to call the brisk pace Verin set a walk was to call lightning slow. Egwene did her best to remember her position in the Tower, for they were traversing through areas that at most she had visited once before. They came to what she believed might be the Brown Ajah's quarters – filled as it was with bookshelves, parchments, maps, and the faint smell of must, it could only belong to the Brown or Gray Ajahs; and since there was a dearth of activity and oration it seemed more likely to be the Brown Ajah's domain – and through another door that hid a great study of some kind. Verin gestured behind her. "Close the door as you come in," she called out absentmindedly, clearing a desk of clutter as she spoke. Not wanting to be the source of further irritation Egwene complied, waiting patiently by the door as Verin worked.
The study was full of curious items that all caught her eye in turn. Inkwells and quills were in copious supply, but each had their rather organized place within the room, as if they were the unifying factor holding the items around them from descending into complete chaos. Books and scrolls dominated the room, of course, but between them were myriad colors of bindings and innumerable different sizes. One colossal tome, in tatters and held together by the Light knew what, had stones weighing its pages down while a blank equally-sized book rested next to it. Skulls of strange beasts that seemed to belong to a gleeman's tales adorned the walls between each bookshelf, and one well-preserved specimen that minded her of an impossible cross between a duck and a beaver lay balanced atop one of the smaller shelves. In every possible nook and corner a curio of some sort resided, and they took all shapes: some resembled totems of a long-lost culture, some depicted caricatures of animals or people; still others were simple objects such as bracelets or flutes, or near-lifelike busts of figures she was sure were lost to the forgotten annals of the Ages.
She took all these details in as Verin worked, smoothing out her dress to pass the time. As moments became minutes and the older woman kept shuffling papers about Egwene began wondering if she had been overlooked in favor of some other task. When the Aes Sedai picked up a strange brooch stylized as a turtle the press of time started wearing on her, as if each second grated against her with the waste of opportunity for her to study. She was certain the hour for her next class was quickly approaching, yet Tower law dictated that a novice could not speak to an Aes Sedai unless first spoken to. The two needs warred within her, pulling at her nerves as the silence stretched onward. Eventually she was convinced that the only way she would reach her lessons would be at a pell-mell dash down the corridors, and though she winced even as she drew breath she cleared her throat. "Verin Sedai?"
Verin looked up, a half-focused look of confusion on her face as she blinked. "Hmm? Ah, Egwene. Was there something you wanted to ask of me?"
Part of the tension drained from her when she realized she wouldn't receive extra chores from her impropriety, yet the need for her to reach her class drove her on. "Forgive me, Verin Sedai, but is there another day I might pick up the extra material for Else? I must return for my lessons, and I—"
"Ah, yes! We were discussing that, weren't we?" Verin bustled over to a bookshelf, running her fingers along the spines. "We'll start with something closer to Kisander's Reign of Expansion, and work up from there."
She wanted to scream. She wanted to tear her hair out from frustration, to dash back to where she knew she had to be; but the weight of her just-barely unnoticed offence rooted her in place. With a sinking heart she bowed. "Of course, Verin Sedai."
Ten books and far too many asides later she ran careening down the halls, stopping only when her grip on the heavy volumes began failing her. She incurred many an incredulous or ridiculing glance on her way, but it was no more than she had dealt with already. Onward her feet carried her, past studies and private quarters and other rooms that served purposes she knew not what, past them and into the entrance hall which cut the shortest path to where she should already be.
A familiar patchwork cloak entered the space from another door, and Egwene hoped fervently that Thom hadn't seen her. When he broke off from his original destination guilt joined the worry that saturated her – she wanted to make sure that Thom was alright, and she had too long ignored her obligations to him and Perrin; but had they really had to run into each other now, when she was forced to catch up on so many other tasks? "Egwene!" he called out cheerily. "How goes the studying?"
She tightened her hold on the books, focusing on the doorway in front of her. "Thom, I really don't have time to talk right now. I'm late for class, and these books are heavy."
Thom chuckled. "I imagine they are. Well, I'll not keep you now; but perhaps you could join me tonight after your obligations. I was going to see if I could catch Perrin when he returned from his escapades. He's making quite a name for himself in some of the smaller villages outside Tar Valon."
If Thom had stabbed her with daggers she would not have been cut so deeply as his words did to her. She hugged the precarious towers of books closer to her, keeping her pace. "I can't. There's just too much I have to do."
"You know he misses you."
Egwene wished she could sink into the floor, dragged down by her forlorn responsibilities and the reminder of how she had left her last friend behind without a second thought. Her resolve eroded away with each new word Thom spoke, every step he took toward her. "He never talks about it, but I know how it eats at him. I can't talk to him the same way you could; the difference in our years is too great, and he's known you his entire life. Your studies can wait for a single evening. Come out with me, and be there for each other."
She didn't register that she had been motionless until she felt Thom's withered hand on her shoulder. It took every shred of self-control she had to keep from breaking down then and there, from dropping the books and letting her duties rest. But she had chosen those duties. She had chosen this life, and even if it hurt her and drove her friends away this was all she had left to her. This was all the worth she had.
Wresting herself away she fled from Thom without a sound, towards the punishment and fate she already knew awaited her. If this was to be her life, at least she knew it would be hers. If she had regrets, at least she knew herself to be the lone author of the pain.
She entered the classroom. Jeaulise already had a baleful glare prepared for her, arms crossed and a single finger tapping her arm irritably. "So, you finally deign to grace us with your presence. Enlighten us with the reason for your tardiness."
As much as she could without dropping the books Egwene bowed. "Your pardon, Accepted. I was asked to stand in attendance for Verin Sedai."
The finger halted its motion. "A filthy lie," Jeaulise spat with quiet vehemence, "and one you should never repeat again in your life. Would that I were the Mistress of Novices; I would birch you until your hide shone so brightly you could be used as a signal flare atop the White Tower. Go and report your transgressions; I don't want to see you in my sight again this day, nor again unless you learn from your reproachable actions."
She could have fought the verdict. On any other day, she may well have, going as far as she dared in speaking to an Accepted. But this was the life she chose, and in that life a novice's obedience to any above her was expected to be absolute. Egwene accepted the judgment without complaint, seeing herself out of the room and to the Mistress of Novices' office. She did not deviate from her course to drop the books off at her room – it was her own choices that landed her in her situation, and she would live with the consequences of her choices. Instead she balanced them very carefully in a chair as she once more met with Sheriam to discuss her punishment.
As she finished her narrative the Mistress of Novices sat in silence. She added a note to one of her open books before returning her attention to Egwene. "I do not like showing leniency toward anyone many times over, let alone so close to a prior incident. However, given the unusual nature of this situation I will at least reach out to Verin Sedai and see if her account corroborates your own."
More exceptions. She could not become Aes Sedai on circumstance and exceptions. "Sheriam Sedai, I would ask for the punishment all the same. I disrupted the lesson with my absence, no matter the reason."
Sheriam's face fell into a grim complexion. "You are very skilled at forcing me into irreconcilable situations, child. I fear it must be a birching for this, though I will take no pleasure in administering it. In any case, I have some limited skill with Healing; I will see to it that you have no permanent marks."
Egwene shook her head. "With respect, Sheriam Sedai, this is one of the steps in my journey to Aes Sedai. It does me no good if one of those steps is erased."
The Mistress of Novices gave her a measured stare before rising slowly from her seat. "If that is what you feel to be best," she said. She reached for her cane, smiling for a moment. "You do us all credit, Egwene. I look forward to seeing how much you will do for the Aes Sedai."
A half hour later Egwene returned to the workroom now so familiar with her, setting her stack of books down outside the door. Her backside felt as if she had sat on the sun itself, and she ached from the simple exertion of walking. She knew that what she was about to do was against the laws of the White Tower, and perhaps that fact should be going against her better judgment, but she had been distracted from her studies for far too long already. Putting her pain, regrets, worries, and all other distractions out of her mind, she took in a deep breath and began the mantra that had become the one constant in her life, forcing the urge to fall to a gibbering mess into a dark corner of her mind. Embrace, weave, release. Embrace, weave, release. Embrace, weave, release.
•
Moiraine unfastened her kesiera and hung it on a hook inside a borrowed jewelry box. She possessed a more ornate and much fuller jewelry box, but there were too many memories associated with its contents for her to display it in plain sight just yet. Underneath it she placed the scrap of Warder's cloak that accompanied her every day, its strange fabric almost immediately fading into the grain of the box itself. She missed Lan so much, and there were still days when it was debilitating to think about him, when the gray threatened to overtake her once again; but there were also days when she remembered the good. Not all the Yellow sisters were as clinical as Sedore managed to be – some had helped other sisters go through the trauma of losing their Warder firsthand, and always seemed to know exactly what to say to keep her focusing on the present, if not always on something positive – and in any case, there was always Thom.
A knock on her door interrupted her attempt to undo the clasp on her earrings. She glanced at the jewelry box before reaching for her comb instead, tidying up her hair as it cascaded around her shoulders. A quick mental exercise gave her the level of calm she needed to receive visitors. "Enter," she called out.
The door remained shut for a beat before opening, and Thom's head poked through. He cleared his throat politely. "Moiraine Sedai," he offered humbly. "I was wondering if you would entertain visitors today."
Internally she scoffed. She had nothing better to do with her days; the Yellow sisters had long since stopped pestering her, and she had no assignments now that she had failed the world. Still, she knew that he meant well. "I can certainly accommodate for you, Thom. Please, come in."
The gleeman entered slowly, unclasping his cloak and folding it around his hands. He looked about the space awkwardly before settling on a nearby lounge, nodding as if to assure himself. He gingerly lowered himself into it, focusing on anything that was not her. "I am sure you appreciate it over the small room you were in until now."
Moiraine gave a pleasant smile. "It is certainly larger than what I had. To be honest, it does not feel like these rooms are truly mine; I never spent much time in the White Tower once I attained the shawl."
Thom nodded more emphatically, his focus still wandering. "Of course, of course. That's to be expected." He rubbed his hands together, briefly making eye contact with her. "I must confess that I was concerned for a time," he offered slowly. "I still have concerns, of course, but they are for different reasons now."
To her surprise she felt the urge to giggle. He was trying so hard to be proper and respectful of her situation, so careful with choosing words that would not hurt her, that compared to his normal eloquence the man in front of her was a blathering imitation of the Thomdril Merrilin she had come to know and respect. "Pray tell, what is the subject of these concerns of yours?"
His mustache twitched as his eyes resumed their wandering. "All of us, really. Those left after our flight from Emond's Field. We two have had our own trials – not that what I've gone through has been anything close to what you've suffered, and may the Light send that I never have to see such trauma – but of late I worry about the young ones. Perrin has been filling his time with constructive work where he can, but he has all but sequestered himself to work and his quarters. And Egwene has positively thrown herself into her studies to the exclusion of all else. Elayne tells me that there are days she has to bring food to her, or she'll not eat. She hears her studying through all hours of the night, and often she's long gone from her room by the morning. It's not right, Moiraine, but I don't know what else I can do for them but be present."
Moiraine considered his words. In the course of her recovery Thom had relayed his story to her, about how he felt uncomfortable around most Aes Sedai because of his late nephew Owyn. It struck her suddenly how much Thom had taken to their group, that he was willing to stay in the heart of the White Tower for her. For all three of them. She shifted in her chair. "You haven't failed them, Thom," she replied gently.
Thom waved his hand with fervor. "Blood and ashes," he exclaimed, "what else can I call it? I was already too late for that boy Rand and...the rest. I failed them all, and that ignominy will be etched on my core for the rest of my days. I can't sit here and watch these two walk the same road."
The pain on his face nearly broke her calm. She shook the vestiges of depression off, weaving a cushion of air to gently turn his face to her. He was hesitant to raise his eyes, but eventually, slowly, he met her gaze. The two of them stayed locked motionless, across the room and yet so very close. "We will make it work, between us," she promised. "We will save them as we should have saved the others."
It took a minute, but eventually Thom nodded. "I believe you," he said, shuddering as he let out his breath. "After all, the world is still here without the Dragon Reborn, so we should do something with our time. I suppose the Pattern has a plan for even this."
As if his answer was the final tumbler falling loose in a complex lock she was struck with a notion. It was too faint to give her courage, not without some other proof, but the idea stuck with her. She rose quickly from her seat. "Thomdril Merrilin, you are an unknowing genius. I need to pack, and quickly."
He rose from his seat, swirling his cloak around him. "Where are we going?"
She shook her head, turning to the borrowed jewelry box and reaching for her kesiera. "Not 'we' this time. I must go alone for this. You were right that we need to watch Egwene and Perrin, so I implore you to do so in my stead. I will return as soon as I am able." The pendant fastened securely in place, she raised a finger to stem his protests. "You must stay. Please. Look after them, and guide them as you can."
Thom wore a grimace, but he nodded. "I will stay for them, but only because you ask it of me. Egwene will need my help the most, and I already have someone in place to watch Perrin."
"Good." Her mind was ablaze with activity now, and she snatched at a nearby quill. Writing as hastily as she dared she scrawled out a missive, holding it up and drying it with a deft balance of Air and Fire. "Take this directly to the Keeper of the Chronicles, please, and ensure that it goes to the Amyrlin Seat. With the Light willing, it will cross her desk only after I am gone from Tar Valon." She reached for her own cloak and walking stick, fastening it as she reached for the doorknob.
Thom stood baffled by his chair, holding her note but barely in his hand. "Moiraine, what are you looking for? What do you suddenly think you can find?"
Even before she spoke the word, even knowing that her chances of finding what she sought were less than her chance of catching an Aiel in the deserts past the Spine of the World, she could still feel the glow it gave her, the strength long absent from her. She had been given purpose again, and this wonderful man was an unknowing agent of her revived zeal. Perhaps the Wheel weaved as it willed, but maybe that was not always a bad thing. Impulsively she crossed the distance between them and kissed his cheek, looking into his eyes. "Hope," she gave, reveling in the new drive she felt as she left her quarters yet again.
As she arrived at the stables she gave one last look to the White Tower, saddling Aldieb with haste. The Light be with you, Thom, she thought. The Light be with us all. Leading her mare through a gate separating Tower grounds from the rest of the city she melded into the bustling of the main thoroughfares, using the cover of noonday traffic to slip out of one of the great bronze gates and cross the bridge of cuendillar. Then, as Aldieb's hoofs touch the soil past the manicured boundaries of the city, she flew.
I only thought that I would have the patience to hold back for this. Then again, more story isn't a bad thing. Poor Egwene.
Thank you for reading.
