Penname: CullenObsession114

Original or Derivative (fanfiction): ORIGINAL

Rating/Warning(s)/Note(s)/: T

Disclaimer: All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

Prompt: Live Challenge: Write a letter to someone you have not contacted in months or even years. It can be to a friend, family member, or neighbor. Once finished, send it.


Playlist

Slow Life by Grizzly Bear

Tonight by Lykke Li

The Moon by The Swell Season

21 Guns by Green Day

You and Me by Matthew Barber

Roslyn by Bon Iver & St Vincent

Done All Wrong by The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Stepping Stone by Duffy

July Flame by Laura Veirs

Satellite Heart by Anya Marina

Possibility by Lykke Li

Motherless Child by John Legend


Dear Mom,

Wow. Has it really been this long? I wish I could say I'm ashamed, but I would be lying. These past two years have given me some clarity on so many things. I've learned that if I want to be completely honest, then I should be completely honest. I've learned that if I wait for someone to see something, its never going to happen, and I should just just tell them. People take you more seriously and you receive their admiration in return if you let everything out, and don't hold back. So, I decided that I would write you this one letter and hope you would understand where I'm coming from for once. Here it goes.

When the divorce first happened, we were closer than ever, which I didn't think possible at the time. If someone asked me who was my best friend when I was 11, or 12, or even 13 I would say without a doubt my mom. I told you everything, you even told me about your work, and I think a small part of me reveled in those times because I felt like we were on equal ground. I felt like you got me, and I got you. I felt like we were inseperable. I felt that we couldn't ever be torn apart. How wrong I was.

You got judgemental about the things I told you about my friends, or Dad.

I got bitchy when you didn't show much of an interest in the things I had to say.

You started going out.

I started staying in.

You went on dates.

I went out with Dad-when you got home in time to give me a ride, or when Vinny wasn't working, him and I went together.

You didn't tell me details about your dates.

I didn't tell you about my friends.

You felt happy.

I felt left out. I felt like I wasn't wanted. I felt like a nuisance.

I lost my best friend, and my mother.

I think it didn't fully hit me until that time you left me downstairs waiting to watch our show, our one routine together we kept intact, to take a call from the guy you were seeing. You immediately went to your room, and locked the door. You didn't come downstairs until three hours later, after I wiped my pathetic tears away, and had finally given up. Over two years later and we still haven't watched that show, or any show, together ever again.

Before everything went even more horribly wrong, and we got where we are now I made the decision to stop trying to get our old relationship back. When I told Dad I was giving up he asked Vinny how he thought that would work out. They both knew it was a bad idea, but didn't say anything. They knew how much I had been hurting, the anxiety, the tears, the hollowness. Even with the new closeness I created with Dad, and Vinny I still felt alone most of the time. Now I know I was doing that to myself. I didn't realize I could have called up Dad crying, or just leant on my big brother. I never truly realized how much security, and comfort I would feel when I held onto my Dad little longer when he hugged me. I never realized it might have been my own insecurity, and fear of rejection from opening up to anyone fully. Now every night I crave the arms of my father to hold me tight. Now whenever he gives me a hug I cling just a little longer. I close my eyes just a little longer. I tuck myself under his arm just a bit more. Now when I cry at night, alone in my room instead of wishing his arms were around me, I text him and he makes everything alright. I wish I could go back a couple years to when you guys were about to get a divorce, and he came in my room and started crying on my shoulder, and hold him just a bit tighter to thank him for everything he was going to do for me in the future.

Mom, even when we were best friends we never told each other we loved each other, we never hugged, we never acted like it besides talking. I realize that now, and just the thought of giving you a hug fills me with awkwardness. If Dad would let me bring our dog, and perhaps the cats I would be moving in with him in a second. Although I must admit a part of me is afraid that my relationship with him will return to what it used to be, I know deep down I wouldn't let that happen. We're both different people no matter what you might think.

I can never open up to you anymore.

You never tell me things anymore.

Unconsciously I've been avoiding you ever since he moved in.

The fact that he's a complete jackass doesn't help. And the fact that you're too blind to see it doesn't help.

You tell me he loves you, that you're getting married, that if he wasn't here when Vinny, and I move out you would be alone. You say you wouldn't have anyone.

You don't realize your reasons don't revolve around that you can't be without him inparticular, just that you can't be alone. Just that you don't want to be lonely.

If you love someone shouldn't they make you feel confident? Not insecure? Shouldn't they compliment your body? I may have never been in love before, but I know they sure as hell shouldn't point out your flab, or constantly tell you to lay off the sweets, whether they're joking or not.

You don't defend your own children when he speaks out of line. You stand there and let him call us lazy, or an animal. Do you know how it feels to have your own mother stand there and let this stranger take over, order us around, call us names, back you up into a stair railing and yell at you with his finger one inch from your face?

I could have handled any of that. I could have delt with it, and let you dump his ass for terrifying your child, for just everything. I could have handled it if it wasn't for my mother standing a foot away watching, and letting it all happen. If it wasn't for my mother agreeing with the nasty things he said when I calmly confronted her about it later.

You should defend your children. Not let someone criticize, and yell at them.

You won't admit that the reason you refuse to drive me to Dad's is because your jealous of the time I spend with him, and that your beloved companion gave you the idea. You let him brainwash you. You insist that, no I'll be riding in your car, not my brother's. Then in the car this man ignores my existance, and says Vinny and I shouldn't have told our grandparents about whats been going on in our household. That we can't vent to them, because God knows you won't listen.

I used to dream about the day I'm older, and moved out. You know what I would dream? I would dream that we would meet up for lunch, and chatter happily. That my old mom would be back. That she would listen with rapt attention to my stories, and the goings in my life. That she would share the gossip, and petty dramas we laugh at happening in her work place. I would dream we were how we used to be. Even better. I would dream that we would give each other a hug, and go our separate ways to meet up again in maybe two weeks. I would dream that he was no part of my life. And he won't be.

You see the reason I said dreamed, that's because I woke up. I woke up, and I grew up, even though you won't acknowledge the latter. I realized we can never go back to how we were, and that maybe I don't want that anymore. Maybe I just want all this bitterness between us to go away, and I might just be content. I know now that, while before you may have talked to me, you were always the same person you are now. I was just too young, and naive to see it.

You enjoy putting guilt on others. You refuse to see the truth right in front of you. You refuse to see maybe, just maybe you're the one, or he's the one with the problem. You refuse to see he's alienating you, and severing our ties even more.

I've given up. And right now, I could care less what you think.

In the end I'm left with a profound sadness, hurt, anxiety, and the overweighing emotion? Resignation.

From,

Your Ungrateful Daughter