Chapter 7: Asking For What You Want and Expressing Difficult Emotions
The third Saturday in October 2018 was cool when my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri met me and my mentor, Jenna at Jenna's apartment in Point Breeze. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "Why did I see you guys driving down Braddock Avenue just now?" Jenna asked. "Yeah, why did you?" I asked. "Were you just playing at the park, or what?" "No, Angel," James replied. "We were volunteering there." "What did you say?!" I asked in a shocked tone of voice. "Well, uh, it's nothing, exactly," James stuttered. "But, the Pittsburgh Parks Conservancy had us..." "Oh no, not again!" I cried, bursting into tears, and then running away. "What is wrong with Angel?" Jenna asked. "She was really looking forward to us doing volunteer work together on Saturdays, but the problem was we had already gotten all these offers, and we never got the chance to tell her," Sarah explained. "Well, I have a great idea for volunteer work that you guys can do together if you are interested," Jenna suggested. "Well, have Angel come in and we can tell her then," Sarah suggested. I sat in the bedroom I occasionally shared with Jenna and Jill, crying. I heard a knock on the door. It was Sarah. "Is everything okay, Angel?" Sarah asked me. "No, Sarah," I explained tearfully. "Everything is not okay. You, James, and Henri betrayed me about volunteering. I don't want to be friends with you guys anymore now because of that." I cried heavily again. "Aw, Angel, we're sorry," Sarah sympathized. "We just got these offers at the last minute and didn't tell you about them." "Well, you should have checked with me first," I stated in tears. "This is not the way to treat a friend." Sarah and I came back into Jenna's living room. "Is everything okay, Angel?" Jenna asked. "Angel is fine, Jenna," Sarah stated. "Did you guys eat dinner yet?" Jenna asked. "Actually, we got a free dinner at Park Pizza and Cream," Henri explained, licking his lips. "One of my favorite restaurants to go to!" "Jenna and I are going to eat rice bowls," I explained. "Angel, we still want to be your friends," Sarah explained to me. "It's just that sometimes you want too much from us. There are better ways to ask for what you want, you know." "Like how?" "First of all, it is important to ask for what you want so others can help you, but first, you need to choose a good place and time to talk, and then pair confident body language and a good attitude with a calm voice and the right words," Sarah explained. "Here are some situations I can think of from when I was a young teenager: When the man at the movie concession stand looked scary, but I wanted to order, I stated that I would like a small popcorn and a lemonade, please, when I disagreed with the grade I have received, and I wanted to talk to my teacher about it, I said, 'Mr. Howes, I am confused by my grade. I thought I did the assignment exactly as you asked. Can you show me where I went wrong?' When my friends started talking about a classmate they disliked, but I thought they were being unfair, I stated, 'I am not cool talking about this. Let's change the subject.' When I kept getting into trouble in class because a friend would not stop talking to me, I stated, 'Allie, I do not want to get in trouble, so I am not going to talk during class. Unless we get some free time, I will talk to you at lunch.' And, finally, Angel was with me on this one: The day I wanted to choose my own hairstyle at the salon so that I did not end up with the same old look, I thanked Mom for taking me to get my hair done, and told her that I would really like a change, and asked her if we could look at a different style," Sarah stated. "I remember that day very well," I stated. "You also French braided my hair and painted my nails that exact same day!" "I sure did," Sarah stated. "I really do like you, Sarah," I remarked. "You are one of my best friends in the whole wide world!" "That's very nice to hear, Angel," Sarah remarked. "You're one of my best friends, too." Sarah and I hugged each other. "I had to build my case with Mom about this, too," Sarah continued. "How did you do that?" I asked. "Well, I listed the pros and cons of the issue, including the facts and my feelings, imagined all the problems Mom might see, found solutions to those problems, and brought them with me, chose a good time and a quiet place to talk, and asked Mom to meet then to hear me out, and presented the list to Mom, but I did not ask for a decision. I just asked Mom to think about my request, and then I asked Mom for a specific time to check back with her for an answer. However, I was patient for that answer because bugging my mom would only hurt my case." "You must have really wanted a brand new hairdo, Sarah," Jenna remarked. "Did you ever think about compromising?" "Sometimes, but I do know a lot about compromising," Sarah told us. "It is like how in kindergarten when we learned our colors. I loved red and James loved blue, but when we colored them together, we made purple. And, compromising is like that- we took two or more ideas and combined them to create a brand-new idea that everyone could agree on." Sarah paused for a moment. "I had to compromise with everybody about a lot of things- my mom about wanting to stay up late and winning the soccer match, my brothers about privacy in my room, and my one friend about wanting to go outside and play, and my other friend about playing at recess." "It seems like you guys all still love each other very much," Jenna stated. "Now, let's talk about expressing difficult emotions," Sarah stated. "I had a boyfriend named John Paul once, and I was angry at him for making fun of me for not wanting to see a movie I did not want to see, sad for him because his parents died and he did not have anybody else to help him out, and embarrassed because he was taking me to see an R-rated movie, which I was way too young to see." "Was John Paul not a good boyfriend for you, Sarah?" Jenna asked. "Of course not, Jenna," Sarah replied. "John Paul was a horrible boyfriend for me." "Jenna and I did not have much fun bowling at Brunswick Zone Playmor Bowl with the Mifflins this week, because we were so worried about Jill dealing with the suspension of her favorite boyfriend, Leonard, as he made poor choices with using drugs and alcohol, and we didn't bowl as well as we normally do," I explained to Sarah. "Oh, dear," Sarah remarked. "Anger, sadness, and embarrassment are definitely not fun feelings to have." "No, they're not," Jenna agreed. "About anger, we all react differently when our feelings are hurt- some of us yell, run and hide, or burst out crying. These strong emotions need attention. But, saying the wrong thing could make the situation worse. When our feelings are hurt, it is best to step back, think the situation through, and then decide the next, best step," Sarah informed us. "What do you do when you are fuming mad?" "I would call my mom and complain," I replied. "I would remove myself from the situation and then shut down without communicating," James added. "I would get aggressive," Henri chimed in. "I would vent or use road rage," Jenna pointed out. "Let's move on to sadness. Sad times happen in life. They just do. But you can help friends and family through their sadness by being there. 'Being there' can mean different things, like offering a plate of cookies or a hug, or taking the person's mind off of her sadness or listening while she pours her heart out. What is most important is that you follow her lead and offer comfort when you can," Sarah explained. "What are some good and bad things to say to a grieving person?" "I can think of some good things to say: 'How could I help?' or 'At least, there's no physical or mental suffering anymore,'," I replied. "The book lists sayings like 'You are in my thoughts and prayers', 'I am so sorry,' 'I am here if you need me,' and 'I remember when I first met your brother. We were at your house and...' as good things to say to a grieving person," Jenna pointed out, "and sayings like 'At least she is in a better place now,', 'Try not to think about it,', 'Things happen for a reason,', and 'You are being really strong. I do not think I could handle it.' as bad things to say to a grieving person." "Oh, okay," Sarah stated. "I get it now." Sarah paused for a moment. "And finally, embarrassment. Eventually, you will do something embarrassing- everybody does. You will trip, drop something, or say the wrong thing. If you draw attention to the mistake, people will notice (when probably no one would have noticed before!). So do not make a big deal about your mistake, and most likely others will not either," Sarah explained. "What do you do when you freeze up?" "I keep talking," I replied. "I act like it never happened and try to use humor," James added. "I 'um' a lot," Henri chimed in. "I just laugh about it and walk away," Jenna pointed out. "Now, what exactly happened with Jill?" Sarah asked. "Jill is too angry, sad, and embarrassed to talk to anybody anymore," Jenna explained. "Speaking of which, what is your idea for volunteering?" Sarah asked. "Well, the youngest Mifflin daughter, Samantha, is going to have a Mexican fiesta-themed slumber party on November 10, and we need help with the refreshments and the crafts," Jenna told us. "Do you think you guys could be interested in helping us?" "Sure," Sarah replied. "We would love to help out." "Great!" Jenna replied. "And if you like helping out with this slumber party, then we could possibly throw some more slumber parties once a month next year and we would need your help with them." Jenna printed out a list of slumber parties for each month of the year in 2019. They were all great ideas for things that Sarah, James, Henri, and I could volunteer with. Pretty soon, it was time for my friends to leave. "Thanks for a great day, everyone!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"
