Captain B.F. Hawkeye Pierce
Thunder roared outside. Lightning flashed. Rain poured. Wind howled. It was great weather, the cold rain and the chilly wind announcing the oncoming autumn. Which wouldn't last long. Autumn never lasted long... It would go almost straight to winter. Unbearably cold winter.
I lay in my cot, thinking. Today had been an awful day and I wasn't talking about the weather. Come to think of it, almost every day here was an awful day. But today especially. I had lost a patient. He died right in front of me on the operating table. I'd lost patients before, but usually by the time they got here, they were unconscious and you could tell you would have a difficult surgery ahead of you. But today was different. I'd really thought I could save him. And he'd been awake. The scene kept replaying in my mind:
"Get two units of O positive blood!" I had ordered. "Get him into pre-op!"
"Hey, doc," the soldier said. "Am I gonna make it?"
I nodded. "Oh yeah, no doubt."
He looked relieved. "Thanks, doc. I didn't really want to die yet, you know? I got a lot to live for back at home."
That one statement tore away at my heart: I got a lot to live for back at home... a lot to live for... LIVE for...
And then there was the scene at the OR:
"Hawkeye, you're losing him!" Belle had said.
"What?" I couldn't believe it. This wasn't the most difficult surgery I had ever done.
Belle's face turned white. "Didn't you order O positive blood for him?"
"Of course!"
"His dog tags say O negative, Hawkeye."
"Negative?"
"He's gone, Hawkeye. I'm sorry."
He's dead. And it's my fault. I read his dog tags wrong. I should have known. O negative is compatible with either O type. I should have ordered that to be on the safe side. But I could have swore it said O positive.
Suddenly I realized Trapper was staring at me as if he were waiting for an answer.
"Sorry... what?"
Trapper sighed and shook his head. "It's the lost patient, isn't it?"
I nodded.
"It's war, Hawk. You know what they say. Young men die. Sometimes there's nothing the doctors can do."
"You don't understand! He died because of me!"
"And how's that?"
"I gave him the wrong blood type!"
Frank suddenly sat up from his bed. "What? You killed him!"
I felt my stomach drop. I did.
Trapper threw a pillow at Frank's face. "Lay off him, Ferret Face!"
"I'm going to visit Belle."
Frank snickered. "Why? She's not a savage. She doesn't love murderers."
I stumbled out of my tent into the storm, agonizing flashbacks coursing through every thought.
I've got a lot to live for... Hawkeye, you're losing him!... He's gone, Hawkeye... He died because of me!... I gave him the wrong blood type!... What? You killed him!... She doesn't love murderers... a lot to live for... He's gone... because of me!... You killed him...
Eventually I got to Belle's tent. I knocked, although I was afraid. Frank's words ricocheted in my head... She's not a savage. She doesn't love murderers.
Belle opened the door. "Hawkeye!" she said, sounding pleasantly surprised. She stepped aside to let me in. I walked in and noticed that my hair and clothes were dripping wet with cold water. Maybe I should've wore a coat.
Belle noticed too. With an amused smile, she wrapped a blanket around my trembling shoulders. "So what brings you here in this type of weather?"
I put my arms around her and pulled her close to me. "I need a hug." My feelings about the patient raged inside of me so that it rivaled the storm outside. Then I realized she was laughing so I pulled away, hurt. "What's so funny?"
"You left your tent, in such a hurry that you couldn't grab a coat, and went into the frenzied storm... for a hug?"
Even I realized that sounded a little ridiculous. "Well... it's not just that."
The humor faded from her eyes. "It's about that patient, isn't it?"
I hung my head. "I killed him."
She looked taken aback. "Anyone could have read the tags wrong. They were so messed up from the battle."
"You read them."
She shook her head. "I wasn't trying to make fast decisions. I happened to see it in the OR."
I felt miserable. She looked into my eyes. "People have made worst mistakes. Remember mine?"
I sighed. "You didn't know the disinfectant was water. Frank did that. And besides, I didn't die. Thanks to you."
"You tried everything you could."
"Except getting it right."
"There's nothing you can do now."
I sighed. "I know. That's the worst part."
Belle was silent. The guilt was starting to make me feel sick. I'm sure being soaked to the bone in cold water wasn't helping either.
I hugged Belle again, taking some comfort from her warmth. I tried to forget everything and just find security in her loving arms, but the nagging guilt remained.
"Hawkeye, mistakes happen. Death happens. It's war. Patients die in surgery."
I opened my mouth to argue, but she put her finger over my lips. "Shhhh. Giving yourself a heart attack over one patient won't help the rest of them. I think you've suffered enough for that mistake. I know you'll never forget it, but don't let it dominate your world."
I sighed. "All right."
She kissed me once on each cheek. "I love you, Hawkeye. But it's my medical opinion that you should go home and change into dry clothes."
I smiled and kissed her on the lips. "Okay lovely."
