First of all as always I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being so amazing with reviewing and letting me know what you think and what you are feeling with this story and its characters. The reviews truly do mean so much to me and as I always say I read every one and get great help from them so thank you. Thank you also to those of you who are just reading, I just hope that you are enjoying it as we go and continue to want to read.
Just wanted to address something it seems I am letting you guys down o disappointing you with what I am writing which I am really sorry I seem to be doing. Any way I just wanted to talk about something that a few people have said in the reviews (last chapter) about Lexi, apparently a lot of you don't like her very much and how she is portraying being overly and unrealistically selfless. Lexi really isn't trying to be selfless or unrealistically over protective of her sister all though she is being or at least seems to be those things at the moment.
I am hoping once the girls backgrounds gets revealed in more detail Lexi's actions will make more sense. Basically though Lexi is just doing everything and anything she can to keep her and Rachel's heads above water. They are on their own and she is the one who is shouldering the responsibility of keeping then going. Lexi also is so determined to be there for Rachel and focus on her and what she is thinking and feeling because if she is doing that she isn't dealing with her own emotions or wants and needs.
Basically Lexi and Rachel both have their flaws as does Shelby and this story is going to be about how all three of them eventually help each other with those flaws and difficulties. I am sorry if you don't like Lexi or what she is doing or whatever but I am writing this as best I can to stay true to the character and all the character's and their feelings and emotions and I really am trying to write out their emotions and feelings and reasoning for how they behave but apparently I'm not that good at it. Hmm I don't really know what else I can say apart from sorry...
I know that the way this story is written on my part with the past's and secrets not yet revealed it may still be confusing for you the readers and what not but I am hoping in time it will make sense. I don't know if me trying to explain/defend my writing helps you guys and girls at all but I hope it does if it doesn't and you want me to just shut up please do let me know hehe.
This chapter is kind of the start of the whole unravelling for all of the girls and this is kind of the kick that starts to ball rolling when it comes to questions being answered and pasts revealed and what not. I guess we will see what you think of this one and go from there. I hope you like it...
Chapter 7
"Revealing, Resisting & Reacting"
Shelby may not have been a mother long or at all but she had been a teacher of teenagers long enough to know the longer they are alone and quiet the more likely hood there is they are up to no good or something bad is happening. The taller brunette was partly still in shock at both of her daughter's words and outbursts, part of her felt very restricted on what her following actions could be. She wanted to go in to the bathroom and take control of the situation and of both girls and face it in a 'Coach Corcoran' manner, it was her safe place and the way she felt most comfortable in acting when it came to teenagers. 'Coach Corcoran' took control of situations, emotions and details and didn't let anyone else lead or get a word in, it was 'Coach Corcoran's' way or the highway. Shelby however wasn't ignorant, she knew that in this situation with her two teenage, shocked, confused and emotional daughters 'Coach Corcoran' was the last thing she needed to be. The teacher may have wanted to take control and slip back in to the comfy fitting persona of 'Coach Corcoran' but the other side of her knew she would have to play things a lot more slower and at the girls' pace. If she pushed too hard or too fast she could lose them before she ever truly got them, no Shelby knew she was going to have to play this smart and for the long haul.
As Shelby's thoughts were starting to get the better of the young teacher her two teenage daughters were walking back across the restaurant with no visible signs of any kind of a fight. 'Well there are no teeth or chunks of hair missing, so maybe the fight I've been imagining didn't happen after all.' Shelby silently ponders her eyes moving from girl to girl, taking their appearances in slowly so not to miss anything. 'I still can't believe these two beautiful girls are my babies, my beautiful baby girls.' Shelby's motherly voice starts up, switching her minds thoughts of a fight between the two sisters to that of the bittersweet emotion of realising she was once again in her daughters' presence.
Rachel's hand grips tightly on to Lexi's the closer they got to their newly found mother. 'Oh gold stars, now I have to apologise for my storm out. This is not at all how I was imagining this reunion going, the first impression you are making is anything but 'perfect daughter' Rachel Barbra, you need to get it together.' The young diva coaches inwardly, taking great strength from clutching onto her older sister's hand.
Lexi knew Rachel needed the contact, she could feel her baby sister's fear just by touching the young girls shaking hand. 'Keep it together Lexi, keep it together. Rachel needs you to stay strong so stay strong.' The older sister mentally reminds her near to exploding mind. For Lexi focusing on Rachel and Rachel's needs and wants it was the only way to get through this. If Lexi was busy worrying about helping Rachel and what Rachel wanted and needed then the over worked, over tired, over emotional and confused sixteen year old didn't have time to think about her own emotions, wants or needs and for Lexi that was perfect. Lexi wasn't ready to deal with her own emotions so doing what she normally did and focusing on Rachel was not only the easiest but natural reaction for Lexi to have to distract herself.
Shelby wets her lips slightly, trying to find her strength and refocus on what was happening and needed to be done as much as she didn't want to be Coach Corcoran in this situation Shelby knew she still had to step up.
"I would just like to say how sorry I am Shelby, my outburst and subsequently 'storm out' was first of all completely inappropriate but also highly disrespectful to you and your emotions." Rachel rattles out the second the young diva thought she was close enough to speak without having to be too loud. "So I am sorry." She continues, letting go of Lexi's hand to allow her sister to slip back in to her place in the booth.
"Well thank you for apologizing Rachel but honestly its okay. I mean, okay it's not okay but considering the circumstances that we are all in right now, I can understand how it happened." Shelby replies honestly, the kindness to her voice making Lexi's brown eyes start to study her from across the table. 'Is she for real right now? We both shouted and acted like toddlers and she is saying she understands?' Lexi silently questions still trying to fight with herself over what she thought of their newly found mother and struggling.
Rachel's reaction of course was different from that of her sister's and she just smiles brightly with relief.
"Thank you for understanding Shelby." Rachel says softly as she tries not to let the wave of uneasiness that was washing the table effect her. 'Distraction, we need some kind of a distraction here.' Shelby suddenly realises not wanting to risk any other kind of outburst from either of her daughters' and keep things calm at least for now.
"How about we order? Maybe once we are eating it will make things a little less uncomfortable?" The mother suggests her eyes searching both of her girls for a hint or sign that things were going to be okay. 'What are you doing Shelby? You are the adult here and you are looking at them expecting them to give you some reassuring look and smile to let you know it's all going to be okay? What is wrong with you woman, pull it together. Remember what Helena said, you are Shelby Corcoran. Handle this Shelby; if you want to be their mother you are going to have to learn how to handle them.' Shelby silently instructs in the few seconds of silence that both her daughter's take to mentally weigh up the suggestion.
"Sure, that sounds like a good idea." Lexi finally replies, shocking Shelby by being the first to speak. Rachel smiles in agreement and instinctively leans towards her sister and softly suggests the meals that Lexi would like completely missing the blush rising on Lexi's cheeks. 'Don't mention this now Shelby, just tuck it away and remember it for later. Slow and steady here, slow and steady' Shelby reminds herself as she finds the urge to ask Lexi about reading again but thankfully talking herself out of it.
The three brunettes find themselves sat in silence for the next half an hour as their meals are prepared and brought out. Lexi finds herself watching her younger sister and Shelby again taken back by the similarities hugely, the way they folded their napkins on their laps, the way they held the knife and fork, even the actual meals they had ordered. Rachel and Shelby had each gotten a simple salad with ice cold water to drink alongside it but through a straw. 'It's more ladylike to drink through a straw' Lexi silently remembers her sister's words a few years ago when she had questioned the ever present straw in any of her drinks. 'Well, Shelby is certainly Rachel's mother' the older sister quips, looking down at her own pasta dish with a heavy sigh. 'Why is it I can see all these resemblances' and similarities' between Shelby and Rachel but I see none of myself in this woman who is supposed to be my mother?' Lexi questions herself sadly before the stubborn streak again pipes up. 'You don't want to find any between you and her because you don't need them to be there Lexi. Rachel, this is about Rachel and what she wants. Keep this simple Lexi, keep it simple.' The voice reminds the young girl, who even as it is said knows deep down it's a lie.
All three meals were nearly finished when Rachel's chocolate eyes search for Shelby's across the table and she lets out a small cough to get her attention. Shelby's head instantly snaps up relieved for the distraction from her minds constant inner monologue that was starting to give her a headache.
"Lexi and me were talking and well we feel the only way to truly move on and overcome this shock is to perhaps get an explanation." Rachel reveals, delicately placing her cutlery back on to her plate at a slight angle and closed. 'Proper dining room etiquette' the young diva silently reminds herself as she completes the action.
"An explanation of why you left." Lexi interrupts, instantly cursing herself for getting involved and letting her emotions take over.
"Or maybe better put an explanation of what happened in your own words?" Rachel corrects, trying to avoid the urge to shoot her sister a glare. Shelby's chest tightens slightly, she knew this was coming but knowing it was finally here was a little overwhelming. Her green eyes scan both girls softly; the hurt in Lexi's eyes so deeply contrasted the look of desperation and need in Rachel's. 'I need to do this; they deserve to know even if it's going to be hard.' Shelby mentally affirms, smiling a tender look of understanding at both of her daughters.
"Okay" Shelby starts, picking up her glass of water and taking a sip as a chance to have a few seconds to think out her next words. "Uh well, where would you like me to start?" The oldest brunette questions really not sure just how to start up this kind of conversation. Lexi's lips fall open ready to reveal a sarcastic reply but Shelby beats her too it, realising the stupidity of her own questions. "The beginning I know. Okay well, uh I was uh twenty years old and preparing for turning twenty one and moving on to the next stage in my life. I had dreamt of going to New York at twenty one since..."
"You dreamt of going to New York, to be on Broadway?" Rachel quickly interrupts, the news that her mother and her shared not only a want but a dream, Rachel's biggest dream, her life dream being almost too much for the small girl to deal with.
"Dear god there's two of them." Lexi mutters out, having meant for the comment to be silent but apparently her mouth had other thoughts. Shelby lets out a slight chuckle, the enthusiasm written across Rachel's young face telling the teacher silently of Rachel's own ambitions and dreams.
"Yes exactly that. I'm guessing that is something we share?" Shelby questions gently, not wanting to overwhelm her daughter all though on the inside she was fit to burst. Her baby, her little girl wanted to be on Broadway just like she had.
'Wow, genetics truly are amazing.' The oldest brunette silently accesses, the smile creeping on to her plump lips mirroring the one now on Rachel's.
"Yes, so much. It's my dream, it's why I work so hard on my singing and always have. I have a plan and everything, I am going to make it on Broadway one day, it will happen." Rachel explains enthusiastically, the determination in her eyes making Shelby think for a second she was looking in to a mirror and seeing herself at Rachel's age starring back.
"I am sure you have and you will. You are so talented Rachel." Shelby praises honestly, her hand reaching across the table and capturing Rachel's tightly without giving the motion any thought at all. Rachel smiles tenderly in reply, unable to find the words for once in her life and Shelby just beams. 'That smile will never get old' the teacher tells herself before noticing the burning sensation on her skin that was being caused by Lexi's eyes glaring in her direction.
"I had a plan; I just needed money to well to see my plan through. That is when my brother, Grant told me about a friend of his who I had met a few times, only briefly but enough. His friend turned out to be your father Leroy. Leroy and Grant met at school years before; Leroy was in the year above and helped Grant out when he struggled with his academics in his Junior year of high school." Shelby reveals, her heart silently aching in her chest at the memories. "Grant explained that Leroy and his new husband Hiram were looking for a surrogate, he explained to me how desperately they both wanted children and well they were willing to pay a good amount of money." The teacher reveals, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach at saying it out loud as old feelings started to creep in to her consciousness.
"So it was about the money?" Lexi snaps, actually not meaning to sound as harsh as she does. Rachel was shaking her head in disagreement but Shelby softly and slowly gives a guilt ridden nod which catches Rachel off guard.
"At first it was but then I met Leroy and Hiram properly and they seemed so in love and so... so perfect to be fathers. I won't lie and say at the start at least my motivation was purely money because it was but soon enough it became about doing this incredible thing for these two lovely men." Shelby explains, her voice catching towards the end of her sentence. 'If only I knew then...' the older brunette silently quips with a roll of her eyes that doesn't go unnoticed by Lexi.
Rachel smiles brightly, her eyes shining with the clearly undeniable love for both of her fathers. The admission from her mother having stung slightly but hearing how Shelby's attitude had changed was enough to ease that slightly.
"The next thing I knew I was pregnant..." Shelby starts to continue her eyes now focusing solely on Lexi who suddenly was becoming uneasy at the attention. 'No don't look at me like that, I'm mad at you. I don't want this, I don't want you, I don't need you, stop it!' Lexi silently screams her eyes frantically searching Shelby's face for a crack, a sign of Shelby's expression not being genuine but there wasn't one. Shelby's entire face melts any resemblance to the tough, stern Coach Corcoran from earlier in the day having completely vanished. 'Pregnant with my beautiful little girl, my Alexis' Shelby finishes off her sentence in her head, knowing saying it aloud was probably not for the best in the circumstances.
As if catching the slip and knowing she was becoming too emotional, Shelby blinks her eyes slow and hard a few times before taking in what she hoped would be a calming breath.
"I signed a contract, agreement before the pregnancy was even confirmed. I was to be the incubator and that was it. At first it was easy you know, you were just this figment of imagination really, a hope, a wish... their dream." Shelby continues, her tears once again threatening to show in her green eyes that were busy searching Lexi's face for any kind of change or emotion or reaction to her words. "So signing something saying I would have nothing more to do with you after giving birth was surprisingly easy because none of it was yet true, it wasn't a reality yet." The green eyed brunette desperately tries to explain as Lexi's face twitches with a silent pain that made Shelby's heart constrict in her chest. "But that changed and it changed quickly." Shelby adds on within a matter of seconds, trying still to keep her emotions under check.
"The first scan was, well it uh was surreal really. There you were, this little blip on the screen but you were real and you were inside me." Shelby reveals her eyes unable to hide the tears any longer but thankfully they were still able to keep them trapped. Rachel could feel Lexi tensing beside her and freezes slightly knowing that their mother's words were clearly painful for her sister. Rachel wasn't used to seeing Lexi needing comfort so how to give it effectively wasn't one of Rachel's best attributes but she was trying her best. 'What would Lexi do if it was me?' Rachel asks silently before reaching her hand across the small gap of the two sisters in the booth and rubs Lexi's knee in a show of support. "I fell in love with you because I realised in that moment you weren't just some blip on a screen or some figment of your fathers' imaginations or some dream of the future you were real and you were mine." Shelby continues, closing her eyes with a heavy sigh releasing from her lungs as her emotions strangle at her heart. "That's when I knew signing that paper work had been the biggest mistake of my life but there was nothing I could do." The mother shrugs as Lexi's brown eyes blink back her own tears, hearing that her mother had felt something for her at one point making breathing hard.
"So you wanted Lexi, to be in her life?" Rachel asks, knowing that Lexi was starting to crack and if the young diva was honest that terrified her. Shelby's eyes open wide in an instant and she gives Rachel a more than obvious look.
"Yes, more than anything in the world." Shelby reveals her breath catching as she speaks her tears like Lexi's threatening to fall to the point that even Rachel was getting overcome with the wave of emotion.
"So what happened, you carried on the pregnancy and you had me, then what?" Lexi asks out of the blue not wanting to get too caught up in the emotions she was not ready to face.
"Your fathers' took you home..." Shelby answers truthfully, the pain ripping through her heart still as strong as it had been that day sixteen years ago. '...and my heart broke in to a thousand tiny pieces.' The mother continues silently. "But then I uh, I got home and my mother, your grandmother who by the way was against the whole thing to begin with she looked me in the eyes and she shook her head. She said 'Shelby, you will die if you do not fight to be in your baby's life. Get off your butt, wipe your eyes and go and fight for your daughter. You made a stupid mistake that I tried to warn you against making but that's okay we all make mistakes, it's what we do to fix them that makes us who we are.' My mother is not the kind of woman you argue with at any time, especially when she's right." Shelby explains, using her thumb to wipe away some tears from her cheeks that had slipped during her recital of her mother's words. 'So Coach Corcoran clearly comes from your mother' Rachel silently quips not sure where the comment had come from but glad for it as it helped ease the growing pain in her chest hearing her mother's story.
"So you uh clearly did or we wouldn't have Rachel." Lexi says matter of factly, still trying desperately not to get drawn in by her mother's words and emotionally drawn to this woman who her head was still telling her to be angry at.
"Yes, apparently you didn't stop crying when you got home and when I turned up a day later they were kind of relieved. We talked for a real long time and eventually they agreed that I could see you once a month at first. I was just happy for anything so I took it. By the time you were a year old I was seeing you almost five days a week, feeding you and changing you and rocking you to sleep, I was your mommy." Shelby explains the smile on her face at the memory making Rachel's seal break and the tears just spilled from her brown eyes and down her tanned cheeks. Shelby looks to her youngest daughter and realises their hands had yet to separate from before when Shelby had reached across the table to hold it during their Broadway talk. "Don't cry honey." Shelby coo's unable to stop even if she had wanted to. Rachel's lips upturn in a smile as Shelby's voice and the tone to it is familiar it was a tone she had missed so much in the past six months, it was parental love.
"I'm sorry it's just, I'm so happy you got to be in her life eventually." Rachel explains, trying to sniffle back her tears quickly.
Lexi's jaw had dropped and she was fighting with her brain and her heart, each telling her different ways to observe the information and how to feel about it.
"So, you were in my life as my..." Lexi shakes her head she couldn't say it, she just couldn't bring herself to call Shelby her mother out loud. 'She still walked out, she left you and Rachel. If this was true and she wanted to be in your life so much why did that change? What happened after Rachel was born? Why did she walk out and never come back?' The oldest sister silently rants, her eyes piercing at Shelby's getting more and more annoyed by the way Rachel was being so accepting. Rachel was having similar thoughts running through her mind too. 'Oh gold stars, Shelby wanted Lexi, she even faced our fathers' and legal documents to be in her life but when I was born she, what she just left? Was it me? Was I not good enough? Am I the reason she left and hasn't been in either of our lives?' The young diva questions silently, the tears she was trying to contain now falling even faster. "You were in my life and it was clearly okay with Leroy and daddy so much so that you had Rachel right? How did that happen, what happened? Why did you leave?" Lexi snaps finishing her earlier sentence unable to hold it back any longer and just getting to the point.
Shelby's heart jumps inside her chest as Lexi's voice hit a note that sends chills down the coach's spine. Rachel jumps also but instead of as she had before jumping in and telling Lexi to stop Rachel just nods in agreement, she just wanted to know now too, she needed to.
"I'm getting to that, I promise." Shelby replies, taking a second to hold in a breath and collect some of her thoughts and emotions of that day fourteen years ago that were now crashing through her mind like a locomotive. "Lexi was around a year and a half, this happy, beautiful little baby girl. I know this might be hard for you to hear Lexi but me and you we were close." Shelby reveals her green eyes fighting to get Lexi to finally make eye contact with her properly and to her shock they did. This was the first time it had happened and where Lexi wasn't focusing on her eyebrows or something behind her to get the allusion of her sharing eye contact. Lexi was actually looking dead in to her eyes and all Shelby could see was years of pain, worry and hurt locked behind a stubbornness that Shelby recognised as one of her own qualities. "You used to sit up on the window seal and wait for me from six in the morning when you knew it was my day to come and see you. Your dads told me it was always 'mama' this and 'mama' that. I had put off any thoughts of New York, I couldn't have cared less about that or Broadway you were everything to me." The oldest brunette continues her mind once again silently continuing her sentence. 'You still are, both of you.' Rachel sniffles harder as Lexi almost subconsciously starts to rub her sister's hand that was still on her knee to give her baby sister support, it was a second nature to Lexi to do that, a reflex almost. "So then they asked me if I would be willing to do it again, to have another baby only this time they said 'with them' not 'for them' and honestly I was ecstatic. The thought of another baby was amazing, things had worked out so well with you Lexi and I always wanted you to have a sibling." Shelby continues once she was sure the words wouldn't become clouded by her emotion too much again.
"It was barely a month later and I was pregnant again, with you Rachel, your dad's were so excited about you." Shelby reveals honestly her eyes now moving from her eldest to her youngest and gives Rachel's hand an extra squeeze of reassurance seeing the panic in the young diva's brown orbs. The gesture moves Rachel's eyes down to their entwined hands and Rachel blushes furiously realising just how tightly she was gripping to her mother's hand. 'I must be cutting of the circulation' the youngest brunette silently surmises trying instantly to pull away but Shelby wasn't having any of it she just grips back to let her know it was okay. "We all were excited; I moved in straight away, something that Lexi seemed to approve of very much." Shelby reminisces her smiling easing Rachel's fear a fair amount all though she had this uneasy feeling rising in her stomach knowing the reason for her mother's absence in her and her sister's lives was about to be revealed. Lexi's head was in a whirlwind, not for the first time that day. 'Just get to the damn point' Lexi snaps silently, unable for once to find her voice. "You were an easy pregnancy actually, much smaller than Lexi was but you punished me with morning sickness." Shelby reveals with a half chuckle, remembering how she would never give that memory up for anything in the world. She knew it was crazy most women would do anything to remove the memory of their morning sickness but not Shelby for Shelby that had been one of the moments where she felt closest to her baby daughter and she wanted to cherish it forever.
Rachel finds herself nodding in agreement, that uneasy feeling getting worse by the second not sure if she was prepared to hear the reason of her mother's abandonment no matter what it turned out to be.
"I was rather naive though and before falling pregnant I signed the same contract I had with my pregnancy with Lexi. I had figured that seeing as your fathers' had been so easy going and accepting about me being in Lexi's life and referring to me making a baby 'with them' instead of 'for them' I well... I took it for granted things would be the same with you Rachel." Shelby chokes out, her body tensing at the memory her rage at the two men starting to seep through her words whenever she had to mention them. "But just like Lexi you were perfect, I remember you screamed that room down when you were born, had great lungs even then." The mother chuckles, using forced laughter to hide her heartache at the bitter sweet memory. "Lexi was over the moon at being a big sister; she was protective of you even then. I was holding you when she first came in and uh you started whining a little as you wanted feeding and she looked at me with this glare that said 'Well get to it my sister is upset and I won't have that' actually the look you gave Lara earlier today in the auditorium reminded me of it exactly." Shelby reveals her eyes for a second motioning to Lexi whose jaw was clenching tightly. "That night I fell asleep with both of you in my arms, one of your heads laid either side of my chest, breathing softly and in this peaceful sleep." Shelby remembers her words now just coming out without any thought as the memories and emotions of the past overtook the older woman's actions. "I have never been so happy in my entire life." The older woman reveals in nothing more than a whisper as for the first time she allows the tears to stroke down her face.
"Then why did you leave us?! If you were so happy with us, if you didn't care about New York or Broadway anymore than why is it Rachel was barely two months old before you buggered off and left us to fend for ourselves?!" Lexi rages, her temper had reached its boiling point and she couldn't fight back the words anymore they just over spilled before she had chance to weigh up if it was a good idea or not.
"I DIDN'T OKAY?! I DIDN'T, I NEVER WOULD HAVE LEFT YOU GIRLS EVER AND I DIDN'T. I CAME BACK AND YOU WERE GONE THEY TOOK YOU, THEY TOOK YOU BOTH AND THEY DISSAPPEARED! I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU!" Shelby screams, having heard Lexi say that once too many times for her to take. It wasn't the truth and they needed o know that, they needed to know she would never ever abandon her daughters, the most important people in her life who she would have died for and still would.
The words hang in the air as the three brunette's try to regain some control of their breathing and their minds which were at this point going crazy. Once again other people in the restaurant thought the outburst meant they had free reign to start looking, sneering and judging. Lexi's eyes were the first to turn in to a glare; she just wanted to have anything else to focus on rather than what had just been said. Rachel's warm feeling had all but gone; her eyes were studying Shelby like she was a foreign object never seen by humans before. 'Is she talking about our dads'? That our dads' are the reason she wasn't around?' Rachel silently questions, shrugging her shoulders in disbelief the very notion making anger rise up in her small stomach. Shelby was hit with a strong sense of relief once the words had finally left her mouth but at the same time regret and apprehension, the look in Rachel's eyes was not encouraging. 'Oh no, she doesn't believe me... explain more Shelby, explain properly' Shelby coaches inwardly, quickly pulling her glass to her lips and taking a needed gulp to wet her now dry mouth.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted but... but I didn't leave you. My father was sick very sick and I needed to go and see him in the hospital and the last place I wanted either of you to be was in a room with your dying grandfather. I had just spoken with Hiram and Leroy they..."
"Stop! How dare you?" This time it was Rachel who was interrupting and angry, her eyes were burning now with a rage that made the similarity with her older sister become abundantly clear. Rachel's hand withdraws from any contact with Shelby's instantly and the young diva's legs push her up from her seat, her chest pushed out in front of her. "Making up this... pathetic excuse of an attempt to explain your absence and using our fathers' as your scapegoats it makes me sick." The smallest brunette rants, her finger now stretched out towards Shelby in the most accusatory fashion she could muster.
"Rach, I don't think she is making any..." Lexi tries to speak up in her mother's defence much to her and Shelby's shock but Rachel was too far gone to listen. 'No one tells me my fathers' were or are bad men because they aren't. They are loving, sweet, caring and amazing parents and for gold stars sake one of them is dead.' The young diva silently reminds herself, her body now shaking with a mixture of rage and complete heartbreak.
"Daddy is dead, you know that and yet you still spill these venom filled lies about him?! You are despicable and downright disgusting. I ... I don't know the real reasons why you left but I know it had NOTHING to do with our fathers' and if it did they would have had a good reason. You must have done something wrong, seriously wrong." Rachel rants, her words picking up pace like a train on a track as her head fights a battle with her heart and she tries to ignore Shelby's words and just chalk them up to vicious lies not at all ready to see her fathers' in anything but the good light she had all of her life.
"No, it's true Rachel I promise you. Why would I leave you and Lexi? Why would I do that, I loved you, both of you. I gave up my dreams for you both... you both became my dreams." Shelby desperately attempts to reason with her youngest daughter as the terrified tears of fear of this very rejection start to slide down the older woman's paling face.
"I don't know because you are some money grabbing, selfish, delusional... bit... bitch!" Rachel stutters out, swearing was never one of Rachel's strong points and to actually say something like that to her mother none the less had been a lot harder than Rachel was prepared for. Her stomach churns with guilt seeing Shelby's entire body deflate and her eyes lose all shine and life behind them. 'I just killed her; I killed her with a single word.' Rachel worries inwardly, not sure why she was feeling guilty when she was angry at this woman for making up 'lies' about her fathers', maybe it was because deep down she knew that they weren't lies. 'No, no they are lies, they are lies. Dad and Daddy would never do something like that to someone; they just wouldn't especially when it would have hurt me and Lexi in the process. No, no she is lying' Rachel rants and rambles to herself her young mind so confused and fogged up by her undying, unwavering loyalty to her fathers'.
"Rachel?!" Lexi gasps in shock at her sister calling anyone a 'bitch' ever but also for the pure rage coursing through her little sister as well. Lexi knew the second Shelby's words made sense to her that Rachel would have an outburst. 'Rachel just can't face our fathers' aren't perfect and have done bad things, why would she believe something like this? Oh dear god, this isn't going to be pretty.' The oldest sister tells herself silently all too aware of her sister's thought process when it came to their fathers'.
"What Lexi? I thought you would be proud of me for finally lowering my standard of vocabulary down to the gutter where most of the time you seem to reside." Rachel spits back, her brown eyes now glaring at Lexi with the same rage she had for Shelby. Lexi's young jaw tightens in the tell tale sign of her anger growing and she reaches in to her bag and pulls out her car keys.
"Go and get in the car... now!" Lexi sneers, shoving said car keys in to her younger sister's palm her eyes more than telling Rachel that this wasn't a question but an order.
Shelby sinks back in to the booth, barely able to hear anything other than her heartbeat pounding in to her ears as her daughter's reaction and words hit her like a searing knife to the heart. It was Rachel's flats stomping out of the restaurant that finally woke the teacher from her haze. She looks up expecting many accusatory and nosy looks from strangers and staff of the restaurant but has to swallow her own heart seeing Lexi still sat in front of her, only now she was alone. Her eldest daughter's entire attitude towards her seems to have softened. 'Seriously? She was wishing me death not even five minutes ago and now she is the one waiting to see if I am okay? What are you playing at god?' Shelby silently questions the unfolding events unable to believe that Lexi wasn't right beside her sister in hating her.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry she said those things to you they were wrong and she was out of order." Lexi quickly explains, knowing that her actions must be just as confusing for the teacher, they were to Lexi. 'What are you doing Lexi? Does what she said really change anything?' One side of the teenager's brain starts up causing the other side to jump to its defences. 'Of course it does, they did it and they caused her to be out of your lives not her. She didn't have a choice, you know what they are capable of, you know she's not lying it's in her eyes.' Lexi's mind counters causing Lexi to take a large sip of the nearest glass of water on the table. She had been fighting so hard to not feel anything for Shelby, to not want to get close to her but now hearing that Shelby didn't have a choice in what had happened it changed everything, all of Lexi's feelings and wants had flipped and it was disorientating to say the least.
"Rachel, she loves our fathers' and you have just crushed her reality. That's why she reacted like that and got mad and angry and nasty. You see to ... to Rachel our fathers' they are untouchable, they never do anything wrong and they love us and they're perfect. You telling her that they are the reason you weren't in our lives it's broken this bubble she lives in and she's panicked she doesn't know how to handle it." Lexi continues trying her best to explain her younger sister's actions to the clearly dumbfounded and deeply concerned mother. "I will talk to her though okay? Because she does want this, you... our mom to be our mom she... she does more than anything. She just needs to calm down and be reminded that no one is perfect especially not our fathers'. Deep down I think she knows that in her heart of hearts but daddy is dead and I guess she just can't stand the thought of him doing something like that. She will come round though, tomorrow at school I'll make sure she talks to you and you can explain properly." Lexi rambles out her own pace of words, like Rachel's had earlier, starting to pick up.
"But you believe me? You don't even question that they could do that? You don't even know all the details and yet you believe me but just minutes ago you were ready to send me packing." Shelby counters now deeply confused by her eldest's change of heart towards her.
"Well yeah. Look, me and Rachel we have very different feelings towards our fathers and in some ways we were raised differently by them. I just know what they can do, what they are capable of. I know you can't fake that emotion you just had. I see it in your eyes right now, that pain that rips at your heart and it chokes you all day every day to the point you... you sometimes feel like you've forgotten how to breathe?" Lexi explains her eyes now filled to the brim with unshed tears that the young teenager still refused to let fall. Shelby feels her body start to shudder 'How does she know that feeling, how does she know exactly how it feels? She's sixteen she shouldn't know that pain.' The mother inwardly rants with concern her green eyes studying Lexi closely getting more and more concerned.
"I have to go and make sure Rachel hasn't tried to drive off or something crazy but... I do believe you Shelby, I promise you I do and I am sorry. I am sorry that they took us from you, however they did..."
"I can explain how it happened..." Shelby counters not wanting her daughter for a second to disbelieve her.
"You can, you will but Rachel she needs to hear it too... so... so tomorrow at school I will make sure at some point you get chance to speak to her okay?" Lexi offers kindly, slipping up from her position in the booth to go after her younger sister.
"Why? Why I just don't understand why all of a sudden you are okay with me when before you couldn't stand me to talk." Shelby questions outright not seeing any point in holding back any longer.
"Because it wasn't your fault, you didn't just leave us and that means a lot to me, it changes a lot. I've spent my whole life being mad at you, blocking you out, blocking out your face, your voice, memories of when I was younger because it hurt because I thought you didn't want me... you didn't want Rachel." Lexi reveals honestly the tears sliding down her cheeks. 'No you do not cry Lexi, you still need to keep this together there is too much to lose still.' Lexi reminds herself, turning her hands in to fists so her nails were digging in to the skin of her palms so the pain would stop her tears.
Shelby reaches across the table instantly to try and stroke away the tears of her baby but Lexi recoils back just in time.
"Look we have a lot we need to talk about but all of us; you know you and Rachel and... me. Knowing that you didn't just up and leave it, it makes me realise that being angry at you and pushing you away it isn't fair. You lost your babies, your children for fourteen years... I'm not heartless, I'm a bitch but I'm not heartless. Besides if you... you didn't walk away then well it gives a real good chance that you won't now and that you are sincere in what you're saying that you do want us, to be in our lives. I want that... I try and deny it and say I don't, pretend I don't feel anything when I look at you but it's all a lie." Lexi reveals spilling way more of her inner most thoughts and feelings than the young teen had ever intended too. It was actually rather scary realising that all of this emotions were just pouring from her without any or very little coaxing from anyone. 'I do want this, to get to know you, to have a mom for me and for Rachel. Things are just really, really complicated right now Shelby I can't explain a lot of it not yet, I want too but I need to be sure. I need to be sure you won't tell on us and get us separated or decide you don't want anything to do with us and leave. Because you could still do that, you could still change your mind and go, leave us. I don't think I could cope if you did that, if I let myself get close to you, let Rachel get close to you and then you left. I've barely gotten through what's happened with Leroy and I think it's more than obvious how Rachel has dealt with it, complete denial. God I can't cope with that again, I just can't.' The young sixteen year old finishes off the sentence in her head nowhere near ready to reveal that much of herself to her mother, she couldn't afford to.
"I really need to go to Rachel now but tomorrow... tomorrow I promise I'll get her in there and we'll talk all three of us. Okay?" Lexi stutters out, her breathing becoming constricted the more she spoke she felt so vulnerable, it was like her defences were crashing to the ground and she was losing control and Lexi couldn't let that happen she had to be strong and hold it together, she had to.
"I think I understand but what about Leroy, Lexi if he finds out I have seen you both things could get very unpleasant and I don't want you and Rachel to have to deal with that. I am the adult; I should be the one to deal with him." Shelby explains, her concerns of the girls' father taking them away again or taking out his frustrations out on them in anyway nearly crippling the young teacher.
"He won't, I promise. I have to go... I am sorry for what she said you're not a bitch." Lexi quickly gets out before throwing some cash on to the table. "For the meal..." Lexi adds before sprinting out of the restaurant and to her car where Rachel was already inside and drowning out the world around her with speaker breaking Barbra Streisand.
So yeah I hope you enjoyed this chapter as it did really kick my arse hard but I tried my best with it none the less. Sorry it took me so long to get up but I have had some family issues to deal with this week along with an overnight visit to the hospital for myself. (Ergh honestly hate those places lol) anyway I am back now and will do my best to get the next chapter up quicker... well I hope anyway. Thanks again for being so amazing everyone and in till next time stay safe, happy and well mwahs ;;'x
