I'm so sorry that this took me so long to finish! I had to fly out to Virginia for a funeral, but now that all the craziness has passed, I should be up and running more regularly!
Thank you SO MUCH to all who reviewed! It was so rewarding to come home and read them after a stressful and crazy week.
Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season! Enjoy! 3
They say that everything has its own place and function- a place in which they belong. If this were to also apply to people, then the first thing that we would try to associate this saying with would be our careers. The brainiacs become scientists and doctors, the creative ones become artists and designers. But if we tried to further elaborate on this association, things could easily become very controversial. Yes, it could be applied to roles in families and social statuses, but a human sense of belonging, the more emotional side of the matter, is much trickier than careers and roles and statuses.
As her first week in Tree Hill came and went, Elle found herself fitting comfortably into place in Brooke's family. She adored them all; they were like a bouquet of colorful flowers, not all from the same bush, but blended together beautifully when arranged in the same vase.
The environment in Brooke's home was the polar opposite of the home she had grown up in. Her house had been lonely, empty and dark. The blinds were always closed. Peyton's chronic migraines made her very sensitive to the sunlight.
Light flooded the interior of Brooke's home through beautiful, arched windows. They had a welcome mat on the front porch. They ate meals together; they spoke in loud voices and kicked their shoes off at the door. They said 'I love you' and kissed each other good night. She was falling in love with this family.
At first, Elle felt like an intruder, an outsider, and though she still played the role of the houseguest, she was astounded at how quickly they accepted her as one of them, as an almost normal member of the household. She ate with them, laughed with them. She cooked with Brooke, played with Joey and Avery, watched films with Julian, and found a new friend in Matt. It was a strange sense of belonging that she had never really experienced before.
Everything may very well have its own function and place of belonging, but that sense of belonging, or not belonging, is what makes it emotional. As philosopher John O'Donohue puts it- Our bodies know they belong; it is our minds that make our lives so homeless.
Then
She was jolted awake by a sudden burst of loud rock music. Disoriented from sleepiness, Elle quickly sat up and looked wildly around, locating the source of the noise- her cell phone ringing from over on the dresser.
She didn't recognize the number that flashed across the screen, but Elle answered anyway, more as a way to quickly stop the loud ringtone than anything else.
"Hello?" She whispered, groggily.
"Elle-bell," came the familiar raspy voice on the other line.
"Moe?!" Elle hastily tiptoed to her bedroom door and closed it, not wanting to wake her grandfather, "It's 2 AM! What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Look, ah, I got caught with some Mary J. in my car tonight. Damn cop pulled me over for speeding eleven fuckin' miles over the limit," Moe said, almost nonchalantly, "Anywho, I got arrested. I need you to bail me out."
"What?!" Elle hissed, "How the hell am I going to get down there?"
Elle's friendship with Moe had become very consistent since her first night at Moe's apartment. Now fifteen, Elle was at Moe's apartment almost every day. Moe, who had graduated high school, did not go to college, but began working at a fast food restaurant full time.
"Uh, drive?" Moe said, and Elle could almost feel Moe rolling her eyes over the phone, "C'mon, Elle, you're a smart girl,"
"I don't even have my license yet! Let alone a CAR!" Elle said, a little louder than she should have. "How do you expect me to-,"
"Just take your gramp's car, figure it out!" Moe said, sounding a little more urgent now, "I gotta go. I'm at the station on Parker Street. Bring some cash; I'll pay ya back,"
"But-," Elle was cut off again.
"I'm counting on you, Elle-bell!" Moe said, the volume in her voice decreasing with each word, as though she was being pulled away from the phone. There was some rustling, static, and then the line went dead.
"Moe! MOE!" Elle cried into the phone, before tossing it onto her bed out of frustration.
She had done some questionable things in the year she had been hanging out with Moe. The first few weeks she had been tentative when experimenting with the unfamiliar substances, but the more things she tried, the more confident she became with the experimentation. The hesitation and guilt she felt when she partied with Moe and her friends quickly evaporated over time.
But now, as she sat in her grandfather's pickup truck in the driveway, that hesitation, that guilt was present again, settling itself in her chest and in the pit of her stomach.
She had intricately managed to keep her social life separate from her home life. Larry had no knowledge of the drugs or the drinking. And she liked it that way. He never asked where she went on weekends, and was almost always asleep in front of the TV when she came home.
Elle ran her hands along the steering wheel. She did not know why she felt this guilty about taking her grandpa's car. She had done bad things before; she had done things that would probably have her mother rolling over in her grave if she found out. But Elle hadn't ever done anything that would harm anyone other than herself. In taking Larry's car, she wouldn't be harming herself…she would be harming him. She didn't want to do anything that would further upset her pained, heartbroken grandfather.
Moe probably would never forgive Elle if she failed to retrieve her from the police station. Though it had never been projected towards her, Elle had become very acquainted with Moe's short fuse and fiery temper. Moe never hesitated to snap or mouth off at anyone. She always let others know when she was pissed off at them.
But Moe had been there for her. Larry had become almost mentally absent at a time when Elle needed him the most. Why should she feel bad about taking his car when he probably wouldn't even care to notice? Why was she hesitating to run to the aid of the only person who had truly been there for her over the past year?
Without a second thought, Elle jammed the key into the ignition.
"LA cops suck ass. I hate that they impounded my damn car." Moe sighed, as they exited the police station. "Now I gotta get Ray to drive me to work. He probably won't even do it, the bastard."
Ray, Moe's sort-of boyfriend-ish sex partner, played the drums in an indie-punk band called 'Vinyl Whiplash'. Moe often dragged Elle along as she accompanied the band to all of their local gigs. The band, and some of their other groupies, made up the regular crowd that chilled with Moe.
"And YOU," Moe said throwing an arm around Elle's shoulder, "are such a friggin lifesaver."
"No big deal," Elle shrugged, as they climbed back into Larry's truck.
"Got a cig?" Moe asked, "I'm dying here,"
Elle reached into her purse and pulled out a small box, handing the cigarettes to Moe. "Roll the windows down. I don't want the smell to linger in his car."
"Gracias," Moe grinned, gleefully rolling the window down.
"I have to ask," Elle said, as they drove away from the station, "Why did you call me? Why not Ray or anyone from the band? Why not someone with a car or a license or money?"
Moe took a long drag of her cigarette before looking at Elle.
"Because, kid, you're the only one I knew would come through. You're all loyal and stuff. I like that in you." Moe took another drag. "It's pretty damn naive, but it's you."
Elle did not know whether to feel insulted by this or not. These slightly belittling comments from Moe were typical, but she knew Moe never meant them in a negative way. Moe's group knew Elle's real age, and while they accepted that she was mature at fifteen, they still treated her more like Moe's kid sister than their friend. They cared about her, but treated her like the baby, calling her things like 'Little Elle', 'Baby Bell Elle', 'kid', 'kiddo', 'Elle-bell', or 'Ellie-Elle'. They would tease about Elle's low alcohol tolerance, jokingly cover her ears (and even more demeaning- her eyes) when conversations/situations would turn sexual, and grin and coo whenever turning Elle on to a new substance.
Sometimes the jabs would get frustrating, but Elle knew that at that moment, Moe and the group were her only allies, her only companions. Moe was really the only taste she had ever had of a close friend. Moe and her friends' acceptance gave Elle a comfort in belonging, despite the fact that she was basically the wet blanket of the group. She knew that she was a part of something. That sense of belonging made her feel more stable, more normal. As messed up as they all were, they were there, and they were all she had.
Now
It was almost surreal, how she lived now; how she smiled now, how she ate wholesome food, how everything just seemed brighter, happier and carefree. It was almost as though everything about Los Angeles had been a different lifetime, a sad story that sometimes kept her awake at night, but only when she chose to dwell on the past. And most of the time, Elle chose not to do so.
There was little mention of Peyton, Larry or LA. Maybe they were all expecting Elle to bring those subjects up, but Elle never really knew what to ask, or if she wanted to know anything at all.
Yes, she had come here wanting answers to questions that had plagued her since early childhood, but she knew that once one of these things had been brought up, this world and her old one would collide- thus ending this surreal yet blissful fairytale life. And this life was something that she selfishly wasn't ready to sacrifice just yet.
There would be a time for these questions to be answered. But for now, she was settling, treating herself to the family life that she had never been granted.
When she wasn't working at Clothes over Bros with Brooke, Elle found herself usually in the company of Matt. Just as he had been on their first day together, Matt was cheerful, outgoing and talkative. He was also her age. There were no baby-Elle jokes when she was with him. He treated her as his equal, something Elle hadn't experienced with her old friends. Maybe that's why she took to Matt so well. He wasn't a wild, loose cannon. He didn't belittle her or take advantage of her kindness.
Elle noticed that Matt seemed to really enjoy taking her to places that were not in Tree Hill. One day they went to a waterpark in Greensboro, and on another they went to the mile high swinging bridge in the mountains. These little day trips were always enjoyable, but Elle found it slightly odd that he never really wanted to just hang out in town.
What Elle was not aware of, however, was how Brooke carefully orchestrated these very events to happen. She told Matt to take Elle to places outside of town, until she could muster up enough courage to tell Elle about Lucas…or to tell Lucas about Elle. Although she would constantly receive urgent glares from both Julian and Matt, Brooke was having a hard time figuring out a way to drop the bomb. One way or another, someone was going to get hurt, and Brooke would have to deal with the anger directed towards herself for keeping this secret for so long.
She was washing dishes after lunch when Julian and Matt cornered her in the kitchen.
"I can't keep this up, Brooke," Matt said, "I can't keep taking her places outside of town to keep her away from people who might recognize her as Peyton's daughter."
"This isn't right." Julian added, "You're acting like a crazy person, all this sneaking around and avoiding our friends."
"I'm going to say something," Brooke breathed, "I promise, just…not yet."
"Then when?" Julian said, throwing his arms up in the air, "Brooke, this is ridiculous, you need to tell them. Elle and Lucas."
Brooke glanced out the kitchen window, where Elle had taken Joey and Avery out on the dock. She was laughing and smiling with them, she looked genuinely happy. How was Brooke supposed to tell her these things without ripping that happiness out of this girl's already wounded and hardened heart?
"Lucas and his family are in Jamaica until the end of the month," Matt said, "Jamie told me. You know, my best friend whom I haven't been able to hang out with all week because I'm too busy hiding Elle from his family?"
"Now, both of you listen to me," Brooke said, "Do you have any idea how difficult breaking this news is going to be? Because no matter when I bring it up or how nicely I sugarcoat it, they are going to be upset. I hate that I have to hurt two people I deeply care about."
Julian's face softened at the distressed look on his wife's. Matt's didn't.
"Well I'm hurting her now. I'm lying to her and she has no idea." Matt said, "The longer we all keep lying, the more the truth is going to hurt when it comes out."
Brooke's eyes filled with frustrated tears as Matt wheeled around, exiting the kitchen. Julian put his arms around Brooke, rubbing a circle on her back.
"I know he's right," Brooke took a deep breath, keeping her tears at bay, "I just…I can't…,"
"I know," Julian kissed the top of her head. "You're the most caring person I know. I can see how much this is stressing you out."
Brooke took another deep breath.
"But you have to say something," Julian continued, "I can help you if you want."
"I just have to plan what I'm going to say. And when I'm going to say it, you know? Because if she's anything like her mother, then she is not going to take this very well," Brooke shook her head. "I just don't know,"
"Maybe," Julian pondered, "you should try telling someone else first. Like practice breaking this news to Haley and Nathan."
"You're saying that you want me to tell Nathan and Haley before I tell Elle?" Brooke looked up at him.
"Yeah, kinda," Julian shrugged, "If it helps, I mean, maybe telling them will make it easier to tell her. Nathan's sympathetic and Haley's logical, maybe they can help you. They're your best friends. If you can't tell them, there's no way you can tell Elle."
Brooke clung to Julian for a few moments longer before she reached for the phone.
"So are you going to tell me why you sounded so cryptic on the phone?" Nathan grinned as he led Brooke from the foyer into the living room.
Brooke couldn't help but smile at her friend. Nathan had an almost magical way of calming a situation with the tone of his voice. "Yeah, I am. Where's Haley?"
"In here!" came a voice from the kitchen. Haley appeared behind them, drying her hands with a small dishtowel. "Just finishing the dishes. What's going on, Brooke? Nathan said you had some important news,"
They seated themselves in the living room; Brooke on one couch, facing Nathan and Haley, who were seated side by side on the other. Brooke pressed her knees against the coffee table to keep them from shaking.
"Yes, I do," Brooke said slowly, nervously squeezing her hands together. Dropping the bomb was going to be harder than she thought. How was she going to put this?
So, guess what, guys? Lucas got Peyton pregnant 18 years ago and I helped Peyton make sure that he never found out! And you'll love this- Peyton's grown up daughter has been staying at my house for the past week and I've made my son help me hide her from all of you because she has no idea that her father lives here in Tree Hill! Am I good at keeping secrets or what?
"So, uh…," She really should have been more prepared than this. In than moment, she was grateful that she had been blessed with the ability to make small-talk in uncomfortable situations. "Where are the Naley kids today? I don't think I've ever seen your house so quiet."
"Gabe's at day camp, Hannah's at swim practice and Jamie went to Charlotte with some friends." Haley crossed her legs.
"Yeah, speaking of Jamie, he's been looking for Matt!" Nathan said, "We usually see him around here at least four times a week. Where's he been up to?"
"That's kind of why I'm here," Brooke took a deep breath before continuing. It's now or never, she chose to seize this window of opportunity. "I…I have some news. I'm not sure if it's good or bad; it all depends on how you take it."
"What is it, Brooke?" Haley looked at Brooke with her big, motherly eyes that had been a source of comfort for Brooke since high school.
"It's about Peyton." Brooke's voice was steady, but her palms were sweating and her heart raced. "And Lucas…and me, I guess,"
She studied Haley and Nathan's facial expressions as she dove into the story that was so hard for her to even begin to tell the ones who deserved to hear it most. Haley, with her expressive musician's face, widened her eyes and dropped her jaw and gasped at all of the appropriate times. Brooke could tell that Haley was working hard not to interrupt and give her a stern talk. Nathan, on the other hand, was a lot less expressive in his face. As Brooke spoke, his eyes would narrow sometimes, or his eyebrows would crease. He rubbed his chin once or twice, but mostly just watched Brooke intently, not entirely sure what to make of the news.
When Brooke finally finished speaking, a very tense silence hung in the air before Haley spoke.
"I…I don't even know what to say," Haley said slowly, "I'm too shocked to even be mad at you for keeping this a secret from all of us-especially Lucas-for eighteen years,"
"I know," The calm steadiness that had remained in Brooke's voice throughout her speech was quickly disintegrating. "and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am,"
"I can't believe that Lucas and Peyton have had a child just…existing all this time," Nathan said, "what the hell,"
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Haley said, her voice was very stern now, "How could you keep this from Lucas all these years?"
"I made Peyton a promise. I made her a promise and then everything just got so messy." tears pooled in Brooke's eyes as she paused. Why was she getting so emotional? Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry… "I'm so sorry. I promised," She finished lamely, knowing that the conversation was far from ending.
"It's okay, I'm sorry," Haley said, gently, obviously regretting her previous tone of voice. "We're not mad at you,"
Nathan, like Julian, softened his shocked face immediately as Brooke became emotional. "It's a bad situation. It's just a bad situation all around."
To her complete horror, the tears that had sat stationery on Brooke's eyelids suddenly pooled over like a waterfall, faster than she could control them. Before she knew it, she was sobbing into her hands.
Haley immediately stepped over the coffee table and sat next to Brooke, putting an arm around her friend.
"Brooke," she said gingerly, as Brooke took a long, quivering breath.
"I'm sorry," Brooke said tearfully, "I can't believe I'm crying,"
"It's okay," Haley said softly, her arm still around Brooke, "just try to calm down,"
"I don't know what to do, Hales," Brooke said, "I feel so terrible for keeping this from them, I hate that I have to hurt them when the truth comes out. I just haven't found the right time, and they've both been through so much,"
"Shh," Haley said, as Nathan watched the pair of them from the other couch, sadness and pity etched on his face.
"I promised my best friend. I couldn't break that promise." Brooke cried, "And I hate her for that. I hate that she continues to have that power over me even after she's been dead for almost six years. It should have been easier. I shouldn't have had to betray people I loved to keep a promise. They shouldn't have to get hurt again."
"I know it's hard." Haley said, "But you know what you have to do."
Brooke sat up a little straighter and nodded, wiping her eyes. She had stopped crying. "I know. I just needed a little tutor-girl strength to help me prepare."
Haley smiled and hugged Brooke a little tighter before dropping her arms. "What's her name?"
"Anna-Elizabeth Sawyer," Brooke said, smiling down at her hands, "Elle. Spitting image of Peyton. I see Peyton in her every day. The old Peyton."
"She gave Elle her last name," Nathan snorted, "Nice one, Sawyer,"
"It breaks my heart that Peyton could commit suicide when she had a child to take care of." Haley shook her head. "How can a parent do that to their child?"
"She was way more messed up than we knew," Nathan sighed. "What a waste. Peyton had so much going for her."
"That thought kills me every day." Brooke added.
Another heavy silence hung in the room, but this one was not tense and shocked, this silence was sorrowful and reminiscent.
"Can we meet her?" Haley asked, hesitantly, "I mean, unless you-,"
"Actually," Brooke interrupted Haley. "I think that would be good for her. To meet some of her mom's old friends. She puts on a brave front, but she's pretty messed up from all that's happened to her. She never knew Peyton like we did. She didn't know the warm, loving side that made us care for her so much, and I think hearing about it from someone else other than me would really help her opinion of her mom."
"Poor kid," Nathan said, "Awful."
"We're barbequing tonight," Brooke said, "Why don't you two stop by around seven thirty?"
"We'll be there," Haley said, "I just have to pick the kids up from swim and day camp."
"Just…don't mention Lucas or anything about her father," Brooke said. "I need to tell her in private. I don't want her to feel ambushed."
"We won't say anything," Nathan said, "But if she asks us about Peyton's old boyfriends, or if we know who her father is, I'm not going to lie to her. I'll let you answer those questions."
Haley nodded in agreement.
"That's more than fair," Brooke said, as they all stood up, making their way back into the foyer.
"So seven thirty?" Haley asked, as Brooke nodded.
"See you then!" Brooke paused before reaching for the doorknob, "And thank you, both of you. You guys are always such a huge help through everything. I'm so blessed to have friends like you."
"Look at that sunset." Matt gazed at the horizon, "have you ever seen a sky that color?"
There was a spot on the beach behind Brooke's house, just to the left of the dock, where the sea grass had grown tall out of the sand. There were two beach chairs placed just in front of the grass, which provided much shade during the hot summer days. Matt showed Elle this special place on their first day together. He told her that if she ever needed a place to sit and think, this was it. They came here often, a perfect way to unwind any day.
"I prefer sunrises." Elle mused, "It's something beginning, instead of something ending."
"Brooke used to say that too," Matt said, "It's weird how Brooke was in your life before she was in ours. How we've been connected through her all this time."
"Yeah, I guess," Elle said softly.
"Brooke and Julian have helped me so much." He continued, as Elle dug her toes deeper into the sand. "They gave me a second chance at a family."
Elle snorted inwardly. It was almost ironic that he was saying this to her, for she had been feeling very similar for the past couple of days.
When getting to know a person, there's always that one moment or conversation that changes things; that moment when the person stops being an acquaintance and starts becoming something much more personal. They had talked endlessly about meaningless things over the last week, telling anecdotes and making light conversation. But this conversation, Elle realized, was different than any they had ever had before. Maybe this conversation, she wondered, is when he tries to get personal.
She wasn't sure if she was ready to get personal. Especially considering how muddy her personal life was.
"My parents died in a car accident when I was five," Matt said, his eyes still fixed on the horizon, "I was in and out of foster homes until I was twelve, when Brooke and Julian let me into their's."
He was definitely getting personal.
"That's terrible," Elle said, uncomfortably. Though she knew this kind of pain, she was still never sure what to say to console anyone else.
"Tell me about Peyton," Matt said, as though he had been dying to say this since the moment they met.
Nobody had ever said that to her, straight up, without hesitation. Nobody ever dared to ask her to talk about her mother. Elle's neck snapped in his direction. He was looking at her with an expression that she could not read. "Excuse me?"
"Brooke used to talk about her." Matt said, "She meant a lot to Brooke."
Elle continued to stare at him, half shocked, half angry. Just because he could openly talk about his dead parents doesn't mean she would do the same. Who was he to talk about her mother?
Matt, who saw the look of indignation on Elle's face, quickly tried to continue, realizing that he touched a nerve. "I'm sorry; I…Brooke always spoke so highly of Peyton. I bet she was a wonderful person."
"Look, I don't know what Brooke told you, but I don't-,"
Elle's words were cut off by loud, fast thumping footsteps on the dock. It was only seconds before Joey appeared over the railing, looking down at the pair in the sand.
"There you guys are!" He said breathlessly, "I've been lookin' for ya everywhere!"
"What is it, Joey?" Matt asked.
"Mom said it's time for dinner! Uncle Nate and Aunt Haley are coming over!" Joey chirped, blissfully unaware of the tension between the two adolescents.
"Okay, we'll be up in a minute." Matt said, as Joey took off up the dock again. Elle stood up, brushing the sand off the back of her claves.
"I'm sorry," Matt offered, standing as well. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"Just forget it, okay?" Elle said, her voice heavier that it had been all week. "My mom's dead. There's nothing to say."
"It's okay to let people in, Elle. It's okay to let me in." It was nearly dark now, the sun began to tuck its topmost rays under the horizon. She stared at him for a moment, not sure what to say. Damn he was persistent.
"Look, I just know that you're a lot like who I used to be." Matt continued, "I know that it's hard to open up to a world that has done nothing but hurt you. I understand you."
"Just leave it alone," Elle pushed past him. Her footsteps were heavy with emotion on the wooden dock.
Sure, she had been accepted into this family. But now, as she made her way back to the house, she was feeling very much the outsider again. She was not used to anyone trying to get her to talk about her feelings. If this is how they were, with their personal talks and open hearts, then maybe Elle would forever be an alien in their world.
So maybe everything doesn't have its own place and function after all. According to Mr. O'Donohue, belonging has to be chosen, received, and renewed. It is a lifetime's work.
Thanks again to every single one of my wonderful reviewers! :) see the little green button? give it a click for me! :) Take care, everyone!
Love, Brennan :)
