AN: Thanks so much for the reveiws!
Chapter Seven
It was his fault, he realized as he slumped into the chair that a worried nurse provided. Olivia had been pissed at him for being an ass, but she hadn't curled up and died over it. She'd thrown him out, gotten into the shower, and was at work, probably trading good-natured insults with Munch and Fin. He was the one having a panic attack because he couldn't quash the desire to feel her body next to his.
The nurse glanced at her watch, her worry fading into impatience as Kathy squatted by his legs. "Are you ok?" Embarrassed, he dropped his face into his hands. Kathy's hands rubbed his forearms, unknowingly bringing up more memories of Olivia's touch. "Did you have a bad night? I didn't want to say anything, but you look like hell."
Lifting his head slowly, he found Kathy's worried eyes. When she was trying to divorce him, he'd often wondered how she'd changed so much over the years. But it hadn't been her that had changed. She was still the same woman she'd always been; in her eyes, he could still see flashes of the seventeen-year-old cheerleader he'd adored. Unfortunately, he wasn't the same man. His voice was shaky when he answered. "I don't think I can do this."
Kathy smiled, assuming his words were far less Earth-shattering than they were intended to be. "It's not twins. There's only one in there."
He shook his head once. "I mean any of this."
Kathy's worry shifted into annoyance much like the nurse's. Glancing in the direction of the woman who suddenly pretended not to be listening, Kathy cleared her throat. "Maybe we should talk about this at home."
He wanted to ask whose home, but something stopped him. It wasn't going to help to start another fight. He could backpedal, placate her with some lame story, but he didn't want to lie. He snorted at his ridiculous morals – meaningless sex with his partner was fine, lying was a no-no. He came up with something both true and misleading. "I had a late night. I just need some sleep." As he said it, he convinced himself that sleep would make everything better. Once he got some rest, he'd be able to purge the memory and constant thoughts of Olivia from his mind.
Kathy half-smiled, apparently deciding to accept his answer. She turned toward the nurse when she stood up. "Do you have those pictures for us? He'll want to show the guys at work." Although he wondered, he didn't say a word. If she legitimately thought he'd showcase his stunning ability to father a fifth child, Kathy absolutely had to know the first person he'd show wouldn't be a guy.
He remained mute, using all of his strength to stay there, with Kathy, rather than disappearing into the wee hours of that morning. He stared at her while she scheduled her next appointment. He silently accepted his copy of Baby Stabler #5's first picture. He steered the car into traffic, trying to mentally compute how long it would be until he could sleep.
"Is something going on with Olivia?" The question was so precisely what he was afraid of that he thought he'd imagined it. But when he looked, Kathy's eyes were boring holes in his face.
"What?" His voice was hoarse and, to him at least, sounded distinctly guilty.
"Is Olivia ok? You seem distracted today." Kathy's voice was inquisitive, not angry.
Almost choking on the lump in his throat, he wondered why she was beating around the bush. If she knew, if she suspected, he would prefer her to come out with it instead of waiting for him to hang himself. "It was a long night."
She was silent for several minutes. They were turning onto her block before she spoke again. "You can trust me, you know. If we're going to make this work, we have to start over. Trust one another."
He wanted to laugh. He was the poster boy for marital trust. "What do you want to know?" Once he pulled into the driveway, he turned slightly to face her. Some part of him wanted to run and hide until Kathy moved on to another topic; some part of him wanted her to ask him directly so he could admit it and get it out in the open.
"Everything's all right with work? And Olivia?"
He sighed. "Yeah, everything's fine."
Kathy nodded slowly and Elliot realized, not for the first time, that while he could usually get a read on what Olivia was thinking, the woman who bore his name was a complete mystery. After a long moment, she shrugged. "Ok, then I'll see you on Saturday."
He searched his memory for what she was talking about, but came up empty. He didn't search too hard, though, because remembering anything prior to five minutes earlier brought various inappropriate images of Olivia to mind.
"You're moving home? Don't tell me you forgot." She looked disappointed. Hurt and disappointed.
He couldn't stop himself from remembering his promise to himself to postpone the move because he hadn't wanted to tell Olivia. Facing Kathy, he realized he had to make the decision right then; he was going to have to hurt one of them. Before he could think about it, his mouth opened. "This weekend isn't going to work out." Somehow, despite the disappointment on Kathy's face, he felt a little better.
Her voice was so soft he could barely hear it. "You said her name." She didn't have to specify whose name. There was only ever one "her" they had to discuss in that tone.
"What? When?" He couldn't narrow it down because he'd been thinking about her the whole time.
"Right after you came back with the nurse. You sounded worried." She paused and Elliot knew she was looking for a word to describe how he'd said his partner's name while he imagined making love to her again. "Or something."
At least he understood why Kathy had asked about her. He shook his head, unable to formulate any kind of a response to her implication. "I really have to go, Kath. I'm late."
He backed out of the driveway and made a u-turn for the highway without looking back to see Kathy staring after him. He drove a bit faster than normal, desperate to get to work. Not that he anticipated a good day with Olivia. It was simply that he'd be able to concentrate on something. The horrific cases he dealt with never left any time for his mind to wander. He even dared to hope that, with Olivia sure to be angry, he wouldn't continue to feel the undeniable attraction to her which had been plaguing him since the previous night.
He was quite pleased with himself that he managed to get to work without thinking about Olivia. He hadn't thought about anything at all, due to the terribly loud radio he'd put on, but he saw that as an improvement.
Halfway down the hall from the elevator though, he was overwhelmed by an all-encompassing fear that someone would notice he hadn't changed his clothes. Kathy had noticed the rumpled look; Munch or Fin was certain to recognize and comment on the outfit they'd seen him in the day before.
He was rounding the corner when his desk, and hers, came into view. Just as in the doctor's office, several things hit him at once – that he'd cheated on his wife, that he'd hurt Olivia, that he could still smell her on him, that she would probably not speak to him for a good long time, that she wasn't at her desk that for some inexplicable reason he was terribly desperate to see her. The barrage of thoughts was stunning, causing him to slump back into the wall and draining all the color from his face. He clung to the idea of pulling himself together because he couldn't survive the humiliation of having a panic attack at work. He'd be too embarrassed to face any of them ever again, especially Olivia, since she would know the cause and would likely have a good laugh about it.
Cragen emerged from his office a moment later, failing entirely to notice Elliot's distress. "Stabler, get in here. Now!"
Elliot complied with the command silently, feeling a dread in the pit of his stomach that made him want to run and hide. He knew there was no chance at all that the impromptu meeting didn't have something to do with the night before. He expected harsh words from his superior. He readied himself to use his solve rate to fight for his job. He'd been in the Marines; he could deal with furious men who outranked him. It was close female relationships that he had no idea how to handle correctly. No matter how many women he had in his life – his wife, his kids, his sisters, his partner, he never failed to stumble on the wrong thing to do or say at any given moment. Still, Olivia always found a way to throw him, to get him, to nail him good for anything he did to offend her, intentional or not. Just like her magical ability to blame him for everything they ever fought about, her paybacks were a bitch. And he knew she'd been good and angry when he'd last seen her. Which should have prepared him for the next words out of his boss's mouth.
Except that nothing could have actually prepared him for the next words out of his boss's mouth.
"Your partner just quit."
If Elliot would ever claim that he'd had an out of body experience, it was then. One minute he was standing inside the door of Cragen's office; the next he was flopped over in a chair with his face in his hands. His breath was coming in short pants as he dragged his fingers down his face. He suspected he was supposed to say something, quite possibly something like 'gee, I fucked her and now she's mad I won't leave my wife and my wife is mad I won't leave Olivia.'
Or maybe he was supposed play dumb. He wasn't sure what the right thing was anymore.
Peeking up, he saw that Cragen's initial anger had worn off. The boss was seated at his desk, a look of concern replacing the fury. Elliot tried to sit up straight because, as much of a friend as he tried to be, Cragen was his boss and deserved respect. Unfortunately, the stress and lack of sleep had gotten to Elliot in a way that sapped his strength and he wound up leaning heavily against the back of the chair instead. He still wasn't quite able to breathe normally, but he wasn't about to let anxiety get the better of him, not again.
"Is there something you want to tell me, Elliot?"
Elliot's arms crossed over his chest. His hands were resting on his biceps, feeling the thick muscle tensing in anticipation of the unavoidable doom that would undoubtedly follow the conversation. He shook his head slowly and didn't meet Cragen's eyes. "No."
Cragen leaned forward, some of the concern morphing back into anger. "Let me rephrase that then. Is there something you need to tell me?"
Elliot's eyes fell on the empty chair beside him. Olivia was supposed to be there, getting in trouble with him. He always found strength in their solidarity. Even when they were fighting with each other, she still made him stronger than he was alone. Rather than her stoic face, there was a void beside him. A void that made him hurt more than he expected when he acknowledged that she might never sit there beside him again.
He glanced toward Cragen again. "What did she say?"
Cragen's eyes seemed to sparkle at the question and it irritated Elliot. There was no way Cragen didn't know Olivia's sudden career change had something to do with Elliot. But he reveled in the notion that Elliot was admitting it. "What do you think she said?"
"Honestly, I couldn't even guess." It was true. Olivia had a decided tendency to completely fabricate ridiculous stories when she was trying to flee. Fight or flight. Olivia clearly had a preference for the latter.
"She said she just couldn't do it anymore." Cragen stood up and opted to sit in the chair next to Elliot. "I can't say that I've ever seen her that upset before."
Irritated that Cragen was sitting in Olivia's chair, Elliot once again buried his face in his hands. He said nothing; he had nothing to say. He was starting to understand Olivia's desire to run from things. He was too worn down from fighting all of his life.
"This can't keep happening." Cragen's attempt to soften the words by lowering his voice was pointless, but Elliot couldn't blame him for saying it.
"I know, cap." He squeezed his eyes closed, vividly recalling the blissful, easy moments from that morning. Olivia lying beside him. Her playful words. Her stricken face when he said why he was leaving. He'd been so angry at her that he hadn't quite grasped that the blame was his. Of course running off to Kathy from Olivia's bed would hurt. He couldn't believe he'd been so stupid, so self-centered, so cruel. He sat back again, his shoulders sagging from the weight of his guilt. "I fucked up. I fucked up bad."
Cragen did not look happy. Not at all. He did, however, seem placated and miraculously didn't ask for further details. "Go find her." He motioned at her badge and gun, which Elliot only then noticed lying on his desk. "This doesn't go on the books if she comes in on Monday."
Elliot nodded once; it was all the energy he could muster to respond. He had to take a moment to gather his strength again before he could stand up and shuffle to the door. Just as his hand fell on the knob, Cragen spoke again.
"This is the last time, Stabler."
Elliot looked back, meeting the older man's eyes for a long moment. "Yes, sir." He headed back to his car, ignoring the inquiries of his coworkers. He couldn't deal with anyone. He wasn't even sure he could deal with Olivia, but he had to try. He didn't even know where to start looking. He could only hope he'd be lucky enough to find her without having any idea where she might go.
And he hoped he'd be lucky enough to find something to say if he found her.
