Mock Effect 3

Chapter 7: Escape from Hogwarts

INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CREW DECK: MED BAY

(MORDIN is informing JANE & WREX on the condition of the female krogan, nicknamed EVE)

MORDIN: Will need oversight and care. (Takes tube from EVE) Thank you.

WREX: What's that? Are you ok?

MORDIN: Blood sample. She's fine. She has been in MY care for the last few weeks.

WREX: Forgive me if I don't take the word of the Salarian doctor who re-upped the genophage!

MORDIN: Forgive me if I place my scientific opinion over that of person who thinks head-butting is an honored tradition!

EVE: Enough! Play nice, boys, or I'll move to an Asari monastery and send you your samples by snail mail.

(They back down, but both glare at each other for a minute until MORDIN loses interest. JANE tries to break the ice.)

JANE: We'll go on up to the conference room. We need to plan our next move.

WREX: I'll be watching you, Salarian.

MORDIN: Good. Will make it easier to obtain your tissue sample. Now where did I put that needle?

WREX: Can't do it now! Got to get to this meeting!

INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC DECK: CHAIRLESS CONFERENCE ROOM

(JOHN, TRAYNOR, & PRIMARCH VICTUS are waiting in the conference room)

PRIMARCH VICTUS: While we wait for this cure, I have an urgent mission that needs your attention, Shepard.

WREX: So do I. And mine is way more important.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: No it isn't! Mine is integral to the success of our entire set of goals!

WREX: And mine makes those goals possible! I'd tell you about it but you're a Turian.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: I cannot inform you of the nature of mine because it contains sensitive Turian intelligence!

WREX: Turian intelligence?! HA!

JANE: Shut up, both of you. Traynor here has a mission also. And I'm pretty sure that's the route we're going to take.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: What could be more important than … the issue… which I will discuss with you later…?

WREX: Or mine? Which I can't tell you about because it would damage innocent ears!

TRAYNOR: It's saving schoolkids.

(They subside, JOHN pats WREX on the back)

JOHN: I tried to talk her out of it, man, but you know how she gets when she can save kids…

WREX: Yeah. Didn't she punch you out that one time?

JOHN: I don't want to talk about that.

JOKER: (Over the intercom) Commander, need you up here.

INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC DECK: COCKPIT

(JANE & JOHN have responded to JOKER's message. A look out the windows pretty quickly identifies the problem)

JANE: A Cerberus cruiser.

JOHN: One of those ships that drives real slow and stops at every planet to let you buy drinks with umbrellas? So?

JANE: More like a portable fighter bay that packs a mean punch of its own. Ideas?

RADIO: Attention SSV Normandy! We are under attack! Help!

JANE: This is Commander Shepard. Who is this?

RADIO: Kahlee! Get us out of here, quick!

JOHN: I don't know any Kahlee. Well, there was that mechanic back on Persephone…

KAHLEE: You would if you read the books! Admiral Anderson & I are… [static]… all good bookshops!

JANE: She knows him all right. We're on our way. Joker, can you distract that cruiser while we land in the shuttle?

JOKER: Can I! Ha! You're asking me if, I, the greatest frigate pilot in the entire galaxy can outmaneuver a simple cruiser? HA!

(Taking solace in this expression of confidence, they head for the elevator, but not before hearing one last thing)

JOKER: I can, right?

EDI: It couldn't go worse than the last few times.

JOKER: Point taken.

(JANE & JOHN gear up and invite JAMES & GARRUS to join them. The shuttle surreptitiously exits the NORMANDY as it approaches the station and its guests. The Normandy starts flying a complicated maneuver. The Cerberus ships watch, not knowing whether to attack or ignore the strange gambit. Finally, the Normandy stops, and somehow ignites its previous trail. Spelled out in space are the words "TIM SUCKS!" It does not take long for there to be window the shuttle can fly through.)

INT: GRISSOM ACADEMY: STORAGE BAY # 7

(They are standing at the beginning of a large hallway. In front of them are some surprised Cerberus troopers trying to break down a door.)

CERBERUS TROOPER 1: Hey, look it's Shepard! (Waves)

CERBERUS TROOPER 2: Stop that you idiot. We're enemies now!

CERBERUS TROOPER 1: Are you kidding? The boss spent a ton of credits bringing her back from the dead! And built her a big new ship!

CERBERUS TROOPER 2: You mean the ship that our cruiser is presently chasing all around the station?

CERBERUS TROOPER 1: But they defeated the collectors! They saved the universe!

CERBERUS TROOPER 2: The script says we shoot at them. The boss says we shoot at them. I for one am not going to another re-education seminar. I'm shooting at them.

(At this moment the door they've been trying to break open opens and a weird blue light flies out of it. The troopers freeze in their bickering position. JANE walks closer to investigate. Inside is a woman in a bathrobe)

BATHROBE WOMAN: Hello Commander Shepard. I am Kahlee Sanders. I need your help.

JOHN: I don't give fashion advice.

JANE: And we're all grateful. Seriously what's with the get-up?

KAHLEE: It's not like Cerberus sent us a memo saying they were going to be attacking this morning. Otherwise I would have had my dress blues on. For the look of the thing you understand.

JANE: You mentioned something about Admiral Anderson?

KAHLEE: If you read the books, I'm his girlfriend. We only met briefly in book 1, but when we met up 20 years later in book 2 we fell head over heels again. He saved this academy once, you know. Shot a guy in both kneecaps.

JOHN: He is awesome. Stayed behind to lead the fight on Earth. Bad. Ass.

KAHLEE: (Sighs) He always did have a hero complex. I imagine he decided to step it up after that Cereal incident in book 3. It really shook him you know, someone eating his corn chex. You can pick any of them at up at all good …

ALL: Bookshops!

GARRUS: Um, guys, I hate to interrupt, but the gunfire I keep hearing is disturbing. Maybe we ought to get on with the mission?

KAHLEE: Oh, there's no rush. It's mostly for effect. There's only a few students here. They were working on biotic artillery barrages.

JOHN: Oooh… wait, what?

JAMES: They have biotic everything else. Why not?

JANE: It's space magic. Anything without an obvious explanation is biotic.

KAHLEE: We teach the students how to use it properly here. You know, so they don't end up like those poor bastards in Dragon Age 2.

JANE: Yes. Kids. Where are they? We need to rescue people.

KAHLEE: Orion Hall. Take the hallway down and the first left, then 3 rights, then a left, and then a right, it's easy as pie. I'll just stay here and lie low, then?

GARRUS: Let me guess, the troopers didn't come at a respectable hour, either?

KAHLEE: (Yawning) Totally disrespectful…

(They try their best to follow KAHLEE's directions, but they get unequivocally lost. JANE pauses for a moment while the others go on ahead)

JANE: Think, Jane. Was it 3 rights then a left, or 3 lefts then a right? I need a ball of string or something. Well more than that. A reaper killing gun would be pretty handy too.

JOHN: (From down the hall) Come on, slowpoke! I'm bored!

JAMES: Who the hell designed these stairs?

(JANE turns to follow, but as she does, a door appears beside her. Curious, she opens it. Inside is a small closet with a map on the wall with a "you are here" indicator. Beside it on an end table a small pistol labeled "reaper killer – use with caution". She excitedly calls the others.)

JANE: John! James! Garrus! Get back here! Look what I found!

JOHN: Look sis, I want to get back to the ship and practice my poker face some more. Can we wrap this up?

JANE: Look. In. Here! Everything we need!

(She opens the door again and what she found in there originally is gone. Instead there is a deck of cards and a fifth of scotch on the table and vid screen with a bikini babe demonstrating card tricks.)

JANE: Wait… but…

JOHN: You're sure you're ok, sis?

JANE: There was a gun. A reaper killer. Right there! And it's gone!

JOHN: Uh huh. Wait, are those marked cards? Sweet! (He attempts to enter the room but JANE slams the door closed)

JOHN: Oh come on now sis. It's not like we have real money to gamble! I have to practice in case Liara ever agrees to strip poker!

JANE: When I looked in there a minute ago, there was a map telling exactly where we were, and a weapon capable of killing a Reaper on the table! I need that weapon, John. Far more than some babe doing card tricks.

GARRUS: Personally, I could have used some of that scotch.

JAMES: Would definitely help this mission make sense.

JOHN: Sis, that's just crazy talk.

(JANE opens the door again, and inside is a bookshelf full of psychological textbooks. On the end table is book entitled "I Should Go: a treatise on the insane life of Commander Shepard". JANE slams the door closed and attempts to open it again. But it refuses to budge. Instead a sign appears on the door: "Closed for Renovation")

JANE: (To door) What the hell? After all I've done for this stupid galaxy, you throw this in front of me! (Slams on the door) Give it to me!

JOHN: Don't make me conk you over the head. James has only got so much strength.

JAMES: Why me? Why not you or Garrus?

JOHN: I can't very well charge with Jane on my shoulder, now can I? And you try aiming a sniper rifle! You major in grenades and Spanish heckling. You ought to be able to carry her if she doesn't cool down.

JANE: I'm cool. I'm very cool. I'm so cool that god had better help the bastard who tries to shoot at me next.

(Unfortunately for them, some Cerberus agents round the corner at that moment. They are hauling a struggling teen behind them. They do not share the qualms the previous Cerberus troopers had. They open fire, only to notice their guns encased in solid ice. Wisely, they stop moving and pretend to be in shock.)

JANE: Kid, go to Kahlee Sanders. She'll get you out of here. Where's Orion hall?

KID: Next door on your right.

JANE: You're a lifesaver. (Heads down the way indicated)

KID: I'm a chewy candy? (He looks at the Cerberus troopers, who shrug)

INT: GRISSOM ACADEMY: ORION HALL: JUST IN TIME

(Inside a large central hall, a group of students are trying to fend off an attack from a giant mech)

JANE: Jacob, throw grenades at its feet. Garrus, fire concussive shots at its viewscreen. John… Oh now where'd he go?

(JOHN has wandered out in front of the machine. He is standing with his gun down, admiring it)

JOHN: I have got to get me one of these!

JANE: John, get out of there!

(Before she can dive in herself, one of the students jumps out of the group and puts a biotic shield around JOHN just as the Mech fires a rocket. She and JANE drag a protesting John back into cover. JANE gets a closer look at the student)

JANE: Jack? What are you doing here? A school? You're not going to blow it up are you?

JACK: Worse than that, actually. I'm a teacher. Now let's go kick this machine into next week!

JOHN: Don't scratch the paint!

(After a moment of class participation, the Mech explodes, sending shrapnel everywhere yet missing everyone. JACK has her group sit down and have lunch while she talks to JANE & co.)

JOHN: You blew it up!

JANE: Wow. You a teacher… How'd this happen?

JACK: It's actually a natural progression for my character. Having resolved some of my issues and faced down death, it's only natural I should take a _ minute and help these _ adjust.

JOHN: Why are you pausing in the middle of your sentences? If you've forgotten your cusswords, I can help!

JACK: School's got a swear jar.

JOHN: So? I steal from the Normandy's all the time.

JACK: The writers were trying to tame down the mature rating from the second game. Less outrage, more interest. Also why I got rid the tiny leather strap bra.

JOHN: I've always wondered… how did you get it to stay put so well?

JACK: (Seeing it's pointless) So, I thought you were in the lockup.

JANE: I thought you retired to cuss kids off your lawn.

JACK: It's a fu…. nny old world. Some Pollyanna got to me and offered me a job. So what's the plan?

CORTEZ: (Over radio) Commander! The cruiser is turning around! How soon can you be back?

JANE: Not immediately. Bug out. We'll find another way off.

JACK: I have an idea.

JOHN: Uh oh.

JACK: They had to ride shuttles to get here, right? So let's borrow them!

JANE: Good idea. James, radio Kahlee that information.

(They gather everyone together and plot their next course of action)

JACK: The great hall is between us and those shuttles. We'll need to split up.

JANE: Ok, we'll distract the enemy while you scuttle along the upper levels attracting as little attention as possible.

JAMES: Say what now?

GARRUS: Couldn't they be a little distracting? Jack could put on her old costume or something.

JOHN: Pansies. Can't take the heat…

(Anything else he might say is drowned out by 15 omni-tools all booting up at once. A precise voice comes out)

PRECISE VOICE: Students of Grissom Academy, the station is sealed. These alliance soldiers cannot help you. All they can do is get you killed. Surrender now and you won't be harmed.

JOHN: Ha. I never surrender.

KID: And you've never been harmed?

GARRUS: Not exactly… (He points to his face and there is general tittering) But I'm still here. And we'll get you out.

JANE: Let's turn those things off and move out!

(The next room appears to have been a large dining area of some sort. The past tense is used because it has been turned into a swamp. The Cerberus troopers jetting in seem to be just as surprised as the escapees, but they aren't on the walkways and for the most part battle is avoided. As they leave the room, JOHN turns to JAMES)

JOHN: You know what this swamp reminds me of?

JAMES: No idea. What?

JOHN: Like a joke shop that exploded. Probably let Jane in. She's got no sense of humor.

JAMES: Ha! So how many whoopee cushions have you used on her?

JOHN: Amateur! Whoopee cushions don't bother her. I think she got over them when she was six.

JAMES: Six? How on earth? I suppose she's been immune to joy buzzers since she was seven?

JOHN: (Shrugs) I was an industrious child. I soon learned the error of my ways. Variety is the answer…

JANE: If you two weasels don't get up here this minute, I will gladly dump you in the nearest alley!

JOHN: We should go. Last time she did that, I got stuck in a fireplace.

JAMES: What?

(The exits on the different floors are not at the same point. Consequently, JACK takes her students to the rendezvous point another way. JOHN, JAMES, JANE, & GARRUS take the exit on the right, but make a wrong turn and end up in a huge office. There are paintings all over the walls, a gurgling fountain, and birdcage in the corner with a lot of ash in it. They briefly look around)

JANE: Who has this big an office? Who would need it? I mean, all I have is the one cabin.

GARRUS: Perhaps he was headmaster or something. Dunkledore, if the name plate is any indication. Is that an M or an N?

JANE: How do we know it was a he?

GARRUS: The walls are covered in portraits of men. Did that one just move?

JANE: (Undeterred) That's no reason to assume the authority is a man! We live in an enlightened age! Women are not bound by the glass ceiling anymore! We can do anything we want to do!

JAMES: Commander…

JANE: I'm serious, James. You may be a stereotype for jocks with your intense workout routine and corny banter, but I know I could take you in a fight.

GARRUS: Shepard…

JANE: And you, Garrus, I mean I'm not quite the sniper you are, but I can hold my own on a firing range. Why does everyone assume it has to be a guy in charge?! It's not natural selection!

JAMES: Good point. Like Loco, who's had his head in that fountain for the past 2 minutes. No sign of natural selection there.

GARRUS: You think Cerberus put gills on him?

(JANE grabs JOHN by the back of the neck and pulls him out of the fountain. He sputters, but doesn't appear to be gasping for breath)

JOHN: Hey! I was watching that!

JANE: You weren't watching anything, you had your head in a fountain!

JOHN: Oh. Right. A fountain. Definitely not a memory pond with all sorts of crazy stuff going on.

GARRUS: Huh?

JOHN: And it definitely did not have a memory of a crazy party from back in the day where some people in robes had too much to drink. No dancing on tables. At all.

JAMES: Boy, did I give you the right nickname. Come on, Loco, let's get to the shuttles.

(Free of ridiculous homages, the troupe walks down another hallway. Suddenly JOHN runs into an alcove.)

JANE: What the heck is it now?

JOHN: Come check it out, guys!

(Around the corner is an empty robot shell like the one that attacked them earlier. Before JANE can object, JOHN has opened the lid and is starting it up. It performs its last programmed action: a rocket launch. Fortunately it was facing the opposite wall and conveniently has just blasted a hole into the rendezvous location)

JANE: Finally! John, get out of that thing and get in the shuttle!

JOHN: Aw, come on!

JAMES: The kids are under attack!

JOHN: Woo Hoo! Time to put this baby to work!

(With JOHN's help in the mech, a small army of Cerberus mooks find out that glass paneling and park benches do not provide effective shielding. When they are dealt with everyone heads to the shuttle, except JOHN & JANE)

JANE: Come on, get out of there!

JOHN: We can't take it with us?

JANE: No! It's a giant robot. We wouldn't be able to fit it on board the Normandy, let alone the shuttle!

JOHN: Even if we broke it up into pieces?

JANE: No! Now let's go!

JOHN: Goodbye, old girl. I'm going to miss you.

JANE: (Trying to be kind) Who knows, maybe they'll write one into the DLC…

(They are almost to the shuttle when JACK steps out in a panic)

JACK: Rodriguez isn't here!

JANE: Did we leave her behind?

JOHN: I'll go find her!

(He heads towards the Mech, but before he can get in, Rodriguez runs around the corner, hotly pursued by troopers. She's grazed by a shot but manages to hide behind an opportune park bench.)

JANE: Oh thank god.

JACK: She's alive.

JOHN: Damn it.

JANE: Nothing for it then. We'll break this glass and get her out.

JOHN: If only someone had let me stay in the giant mech with a built in rocket launcher…

JACK: We don't have enough time for this!

(She summons her biotics and gives off a massive pulse that shatters the glass and kills the troopers but doesn't damage her, Rodriguez, or the shuttle. In the pause following, they all get aboard. JANE radios ahead)

INT: CERBERUS SHUTTLE: TIME TO WEAR MORE DEODORANT

JANE: Joker is this channel secure?

JOKER: Yeah, it's blocked from any interference. Hold on, I have a shuttle leaving the station. Let me just get the guns targeted…

JANE: Stop! That's us! Jack and her students and the rest of us are on a hijacked Cerberus shuttle!

JOKER: Did you say hi first?

JANE: What?

JOKER: To Jack! Ala "Hi, jack, hijack that shuttle?"

JANE: We don't have time for this! What happened to that cruiser?

JOKER: Oh, we're fine on that score. Once we pulled them away, EDI hacked their network and started playing polka music through the speaker system. They tried to escape and come back here, but EDI turned up the volume and they jumped in escape pods. Illusive Man will fetch them eventually, probably.

JANE: Good work, I think.

JOKER: Thanks, Shepard. Hey, Jack, did you tell those kids about what happened to the last school you went to?